Walter Mondale

Mondale reaches his hand into a bizzaro universe, which unlike our universe, is in "color."

Waltuh Mohndale (found on January 5, 1928 in Kensington, Minnesota; lost on April 19, 2021), also known as "who? name sounds familiar" was an American politician and member of the Democratic-Farmer-Labor-We-Really-Should-Have-Shortened-Our-Name Party. He was a two-term Senator, the vice-president under Jimmy Carter and the Democratic candidate for president in 1984 against Ronald Reagan. His Bizarro-World self later emerged from retirement to run for Senate against Republican and Wellstone-assassin Norm Coleman.

Early Life

He often received big or 'Phat' poos on his rabid ears, after eating dingos.

Mondale was not born, but rather was discovered in a field in Kensington, Minnesota during a winter thaw. By examining the Norse runic symbols on his body and carbon-dating him, researchers determined that Mondale had been left there in the 14th century by Viking explorers. The presence of Mondale was proof that the Scandinavians had been the first people stupid enough to travel to Minnesota voluntarily.

Following his discovery, Mondale was adopted by Garrison Keillor and raised in Lake Wobegon, assuring that as a child he would be "above average." At a young age he determined to go into politics and follow in the political footsteps of Hubert Humphrey.

Entry into Politics

Mondale entered politics as the manager of Governor Orville Redenbacher's re-election campaign, inventing the slogan "once you pop, you can't stop." As a reward for his loyalty, Redenbacher appointed Mondale to a seat in the United States Senate, which had been left vacant after the previous Senator accidentally died of exposure and hypothermia in the Great Blizzard of Ought-Sixtyfour. In the Senate, Mondale gained public notice for his role in the Apollo 1 investigation, publicly charging that NASA was a dangerous waste of taxpayer money, which would be better focused on social services. What the public did not find out was that Mondale had discovered NASA's great secret — the Bizzaro project, a covert division of the Apollo Project.

In his investigations, Mondale discovered that the Apollo 1 capsule had blown up as a result of activities in a parallel universe — one much like our own, but the polar opposite of it in specific but important details. Begun by Nazi defector members of the Illuminati, NASA's Bizzaro Project had discovered a link between our two universes and was causing events in each unverse to more closely synch up bizzaro-style. As a result, the destruction of the Apollo 1 craft had occurred merely because in the bizzaro universe the space test had turned out positively.

Mondale contemplated making his findings public, but instead decided to use the knowledge for his own purposes.

Vice President

When Jimmy Carter won the Democratic Party nomination for president in 1976, he chose Mondale as his running mate. Things went well for Carter at first, but then small subtle things began to go wrong. When President Carter later succumbed to Carter's disease, Mondale and the shadow government took greater control, and the Carter presidency headed into a tailspin of unpopularity.

The national party had been hurt, but Mondale could still get the nomination in the next race after the Carter-Mondale ticket was defeated in 1980, which was all part of Mondale's secret plan.

Presidential Nominee of 1984

Mondale secured his party's nomination for the Presidential run in 1984, and immediately set about sabotaging it. He chose a woman, Geraldine Ferraro, as his running mate; he promised to raise taxes; and he supported replacing our nuclear arsenal with a system of phasers. The phaser defense plan was extremely unpopular compared to Reagan's proposed Star Wars defense initiative. This was because, unlike now, in 1984 there were far more good Star Wars movies than there were good Star Trek movies.

Mondale's strategy of throwing the election was a complete success and he went down in flames, losing the electoral college vote handily, and by mistake, won only his home state of Minnesota. A typographical error on the Minnesota ballot caused many voters to erroneously cast a vote for Mondale, and by the narrowest of margins, accidentally put Minnesota in the win column for him.

While this strategy may have seemed foolish to an outside observer, it was all part of Mondale's secret plan! Mondale, you see, had blackmailed the Illuminati technicians at the Bizzaro Project. Using his secret decoder ring, he forced them to link our universe and a bizzaro universe such that Mondale's colossal loss in our universe would cause him to win the election in a landslide in the bizzaro universe.

In early January of 1985, Mondale crossed over into the bizzaro universe, kidnapped his double there, and all according to plan he assumed the Presidency of the United Provinces of America (the name of our country in that bizzaro universe). Mondale governed there successfully for seven years before he and the entire nation were tragically wiped out when, in our universe, a rogue asteroid failed to hit Earth.

Bizzaro-Mondale

After being kidnapped and replaced by our Mondale, the bizzaro-Mondale was exiled to our universe, where he was very confused at not being president. At first this seemed to be an odd curiosity, but the event created a virus which began to infect the entire Democratic Party. Soon the entire Party was confused that it did not hold the presidency. Suffering from this disease, Democrats now believe that they are the most popular party, that they always win, and that they should always run as if they are incumbents. Though Bill Clinton was able too overcome the disease in a pact with Monica Lewinsky, a really strong case was picked up by Al Gore in 2000, and the party has yet too fully recover.

Despite this belief, they almost always lose. Democrats now believe that they command the votes of women, minorities, gays, the poor, the working, the elite, Oscar Wilde (that vote they always get though), and smart people. Even though it is true that Tom DeLay's Republican Gerrymandering Act of 2003 ensures that

each straight, dumb, unemployed, rich, non-elite white male ultra-conservative shall receive one electoral vote,

this alone does not explain why Democrats cannot win elections without something like an incompetent Republican presidency or white guilt.

2002 US Senate Race

After the tragic disappearance of Paul Wellstone in the Bermuda Triangle onboard Flight 19, Bizarro-World war-horse Walter Mondale was called out of retirement to face down Senator Norm Coleman. Mondale accepted the challenge and promised to "fight as hard for the legacy of Paul Wellstone as he did for the Presidency in 1984". Eyes rolled and the Democratic Party elders sighed and started to think about 2004.

See also

• Wilde On!, which Mondale briefly hosted
• Alternate Universes I Seriously Hope Do Not Actually Exist
• Hubert Horatio Humphrey

X