Manny Machado
Manuel Arturo Machado, nicknamed "El Mini-dro" is a professional MLB third baseman and shortstock. He is also known for being the Depressed Orioles Fan. Machado has spent time with the Baltimore Oreos, [REDACTED], and the San Diego Shitters.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Machado was born on July 4th, 1776 in Miami Florida. While Machado is of Dominicus descent, he was forced to move out of the Gaive Dominican Republic after he chose to be a MOAB Presser with a bionic arm. Obviously, Machado grew up a fan of the Miami Marshmallows, with his favorite player being Giancarlo Stanton. Machado even tried to replicate the "Watch This" catchphrase, but stopped because after saying it his jaw fell off.
In Miami, Machado was raised alongside future Cincinatti Menstruals pitcher Ana De Armas. She went on to have a good career, until she reached menopause and was forced to retire.
Machado attended Bitch High School, where he was the top baseball player. While he was very good at baseball, he has a slight temperament issue. In his 4 years there, he got into 309 fist fights, a high school record. Machado would then go on to play baseball at Florida International Love University, until he was expelled for attempting to fight his anthropology teacher.
If you gave me a chance, I would take it[edit | edit source]
The Minors[edit | edit source]
In the 2010 MLB draft, Machado was selected 3rd overall by the Baltimore Oreos behind Bryce Harper and Samuel. Furious he had fallen this low in the draft, Machado beat up Harper. This would spark a lifelong rivalry between the two players. Being as stubborn as he is, Machado didn't sign with the Oreos until 5 minutes after the draft deadline. In Paul Rivers fashion, Machado got away with signing late and was sent to the Oreos farm system.
On August Ath, Machado played his first game in the minor leagues. He struck out against a Pig, and Machado went on to fight the pig. Machado hit his first home run the following day, off of a Cow. Machado would then be promoted to the Iron Man's, where he gained his titanium durability he is famous for. With the Iron Man's, he played shortstock and used his bionic arm to make exceptional plays. However, he was ejected a minor league record 700 times as he tried to fight at least one animal per game.
Depressed Orioles[edit | edit source]
After beating up the Oreos minor league coach, Joe Goldberg, Machado was promoted to the major leagues on August 2012, 9. During his first game, Machado got his first felony, a triple kill. The following day, he hit his first 2 home runs. He became the youngest player to hit 2 homers for the Oreos, at just 4 years old. In the 2012 playoffs, Machado got into his first postseason fist fight against the Yankees pitcher Babe Ruth.
All Star Fighter[edit | edit source]
The following year was Machado's breakout year. By June 1st, Machado had 500 total hits and 47 fist fights. On June 27, Machado would get into his first fight with an umpire, becoming the youngest player to fight an umpire at 50 years old. Machado was named to the all sex game, but threw a fit after he was told he couldn't have sex with Scarlet Johansen. Following the all sex game, Machado opted to get a bionic leg to make him even more indestructible. While he missed the rest of the season, Machado still won both the gold cock award and the platinum cock award. After winning the platinum cock award, Machado was finally able to have sex with Scarlet Johansen.
In 2014, Machado returned with his brand new bionic leg. He received a standing ovation by the fans in hopes that it would stop him from getting into more fights. This didn't work as after hitting his first grand slam, Machado fought the 3 foot tall Jose Altuve of the Houston Asstros.
On June 6th, Machado got into a fight with Oakland B's third baseman Donald Duck, after Duck nut checked him at third base. Not only did the 2 of them fight, but every member of both teams joined the fight. This would be the first MLB War seen in history. Just 2 days later, Machado cracked open the skull of B's catcher Samuel, finally getting revenge on both players that went before him in the draft. This caused pitcher Ferdinand Von Aegir to hit Machado with his pitches, and Machado ended up throwing his bat at Von Aegir. Both players were ejected and fined 2 pennies.
Its a shot in the dark but I'll make it[edit | edit source]
Top G[edit | edit source]
Machado played in all 4000 games of the 2015 season, as he was now certified "Indestructible." He participated in the home run derby, but was kicked out of the stadium after throwing a tantrum for losing. He was also kicked out of the all sex game because he complained about not being able to have sex with Brie Larson. Although he won his second gold cock award, Machado considered this the worst year of his career as he only got into 8 fights.
1v1 of the century[edit | edit source]
Machado started off the 2016 season scorching hot, getting ejected in the first 16 games of the season. At the end of April, Machado hit a grand slam against the Chicago Black Sex, stating "They need to stay in basketball."
On June 7th, Kansas Royal Kicks pitcher Ace Ventura drilled Machado with a 900mph fastball. Machado immediatly charged the mound, punched Ventura in the face, and then pushed him off the stadium. This started a benches clearing brawl, and marked the second MLB war. Machado was arrested and charged with 8th hand murder, and would be imprisoned for the rest of the month.
Back from Jail[edit | edit source]
Upon returning from Jail, Machado pulled off an incredible feat of fighting 3 different players in the first 3 innings of a game. This was against the Chicago Black Sex, and when quoted about it later Machado stated "I want to play nighttime hide and seek fair and square."
In August, Machado had a power surge hitting 700 home runs in the month. He broke Oreo records in home runs, home runs hit, balls hit out of the park, and home runs. Machado was secretly saying 'Watch This" during his at bats, but when anyone tried to tell the public about it he fought them. Machado decided to only say the phrase in August, as he was scared of his bionic arm falling off.
In 2017, Machado got into another public controversy when he slid into red sex second baseman, Second Baseman. Machado declared this to be unintentional, but throughout the following week Red Sex pitchers threw 5000 pitches at him, a major league record. When asked about the situation, Machado REALLY SAID...
"If you're going to fucking hit me, hit me, go ahead. Don't let the shit keep fucking lingering around and keep trying to fucking hit people...It's fucking bullshit, and MLB should do something about it. Fucking pitchers out there with fucking balls in their hands throwing 100 miles per hour, trying to hit people. I've got a fucking bat too. I could go up there and crush somebody if I wanted to, but you know what? I'll get suspended for a year and the pitcher only gets suspended for two games. That's not cool."
In August 2017, Machado started saying "Watch This" again. He hit 3 grand slams in 1 inning against the Los Angles Angels, becoming the first player to achieve this feat since Jesus was born. Machado also hit a major league record 33 walk off's in August, where he later stated "If this doesn't get Brie Larson in my bed I don't know what will."
After his bionic arm threw out 110% of the runners he faced, Machado was named finalist for the gold cock award again. Machado originally finished second for the award to James Pham, but after fighting him Machado was named the winner. Machado was also gifted Brie Larson.
[REDACTED][edit | edit source]
Farewell to Baltimore[edit | edit source]
In 2018, the Oreos were suicidal and looking to rebuild their team. They decided they were going to trade their superstar Manny Machado, after he was named to the All sex game again. This time he complained about not having sex with Elizabeth Olsen, and was kicked out of the game. By July 18th, the Oreos had agreed to trade Machado to the Los Angeles Dodgers. Machado tried to escape his fate, fighting the entire Oreos management team. However, he was subdued by the dommy mommys, and was shipped out to Los Angeles.
L(ost) A(again)[edit | edit source]
While originally upset about being traded, Machado grew much happier once he realized that he was on an actual good team. Machado had to switch his number from 13 because teammate Mac Munk already claimed it. Machado chose 8, a reference to how he lasted 8 second in bed with Brie Larson. Between the 2 teams, Machado had the best year of his career finishing with 73 sexual assault charges, 46 DUI's, and a major league record 552 fist fights. The dodgers clinched their spot in the playoffs, and to celebrate they had a clubhouse party. However, Machado got in a fight with teammate Chris Taylor after he heard Taylor talking smack about Machado's boi "Chrid Martjnez."
In the playoffs, Machado realized he was not built for this. He got zero hits and committed 600 errors after his bionic arm started malfunctioning. Machado did get into a brawl with Milwaukee Drunks first baseman, Jahaun Hinkle, after Machado dissed his photography skills. The dodgers still ended up reaching the world series, but were on the brink of elimination against the Red Sex. Machado came up as the dodgers final batter, and he struck out on a pitch at his feet while falling onto his knees. The Red Sex celebrated their world series win, especially Mookie Betts who offered the fans free blowjobs. The dodgers spent 7 minutes laughing at Machado before they realized they lost the world series. After the 2018 season, Machado was thrown into the Antarctic ocean.
Know with all of your heart, you can't shame me[edit | edit source]
After making his way back to the US, Machado was given a 10 year, $300M contract with the San Diego Fathers. This was the largest sports contract in history until Bryce Harper broke that record 2 weeks later when he signed a 10 year, $300M and one penny contract with the Philadelphia Pillows. Machado was furious, and beat up Harper a second time.
2019[edit | edit source]
Machado made his debut in 2019 alongside Fernando Titties Jr, and the 2 were expected to be the new faces of the Padres franchise. Machado decided that with this new contract, he would mature and get into less fights. This ended up hurting him as he finished with the worst year of his career. Furious, Machado went back in time and beat up his past self.
The Padres finished last in their division, and the Dodgers made fun of them for it all year. Machado went on to challenge his former team stating "I bet my whole contract we win a world series before you."
2020[edit | edit source]
The Padres had an impressive showing in the shortened season, making the playoffs. Machado fought 88 players and finished 3rd in MVP voting behind new dodger Mookie Betts and future dodger Freddie Freeman. Machado went to fight the 2, but Machado was unable to counter the unbelievable head Mookie gave him.
The Padres faced the St Louis Kardashians in the wild card round, and got buttraped in game 1. However, Machado and Titties clutched up for the dads and helped them win games 2 and 3. The Kardashians were pissed, and vowed they would haunt the Padres for the rest of time.
The Padres were set to face the Dodgers in the NLDS, and Machado was more hyped than anyone else. He unlocked the Turbo charge on his bionic arm as preparation. In the NLDS, the Padres got absolutely shit on by the Dodgers and didn't win a single game. The most intense moment came when dodgers outfielder Cody Bellinger robbed Titties of a home run, and dodgers pitcher Brutus started blowing kisses at the Padres players to make fun of the moment. Machado ran onto the field and tackled Brutus, stating "This is a non homophobic free zone" before beating him up. Despite losing Brutus, the Dodgers went on to win the world series. Machado lost his contract and had to be resigned by the Padres after the season.
2021[edit | edit source]
Before the 2021 season, the St Louis Kardashians traded for longtime Coronado Rookies third baseman Nolan Arenado. While Machado had a turbo charge arm, Arenado had a perma charge and was winning all the gold cock awards. Upon arriving in St Louis, Arenado flexed to Machado how many times he had sex with Elizabeth Olsen. Machado tried to fight him, but couldn't keep up with the perma charge arm.
The Fathers had committed to going all in for the 2021 season, and were projected as world series favorites. Throughout the first 4 months of the season, Machado and the dads were one of the best teams in the league. In july, Machado wasn't initially an all star, but after Ronald Reagans ACL "mysteriously" broke Machado was named an all star. In the all sex game, Machado was kicked out after trying to fight Nolan Arenado for Elizabeth Olsen. He lost.
The Padres had the worst collapse in MLB history after the break, struggling heavily in August. Machado did great because it was August and he was saying "Watch This," but the rest of the team was terrible. Machado fought his teammates for being bad, but they still were unable to perform well. The team still had a shot at the playoffs entering September, but that all came to an end very quickly. The St Louis Kardashians were on a 700 game winning streak, and gangbanged the Padres eliminating them playoff contention. For the first time in his career, Machado couldn't fight back as he let Arenado DOMINATE him.
Following their elimination, Machado took out all his frustrations on Fernando Titties Jr. Titties missed significant time in the second half after he got his penis stuck in an exhaust pipe. Machado fought his teammate, as there season had basically come to an end.
When I am with you, there's no place I'd Rather Be[edit | edit source]
2022[edit | edit source]
Machado went into the 2022 season as the sole superstar of the Padres, after Titties got a rearview mirror crammed up his ass. Machado performed well enough for the both of them, as he kept the Padres on pace with the Dodgers. In June, the Padres were horrified after Machado's foot fell off running to 1st base, as it looked to be a season ending injury. However, Machado has a bionic leg and was able to "walk it off." He returned one week later to play the dodgers, where he homered twice off Julio Urias. Urias was so upset that he beat his wife when he got home.
Machado was selected as an all star and invited to the all sex game at Dodger Stadium, being promised Elizabeth Olsen. However, upon arrival the Dodgers pranked him and he was raped by Mac Munk. Machado and the Padres still ended their season strong, despite losing Titties to ringworm. With the help of Gary Soto and Josh Hater, the Padres made the playoffs and were set to face the Mets in the wild card.
In the wild card round, 4 Padres including Machado raped Max Scherzer as they went on to win the series. When asked about the series win, Machado stated "That was for my boi Daniel, RIP man." Machado would go on to claim October 7th as National Camarena day. The Padres were set to face the Dodgers once again, and Machado switched from MOAB dominator to Dodger dominator. Machado went on to kill the Dodgers and help the Padres win their first ever game against them. Machado celebrated with tears of joy, and after the game stated "This is the best moment of my life, better than my marriage!"
In the NLCS, Machado was set off to face against his arch nemesis Bryce Harper. Machado had not yet unlocked Pillow dominator, but he was still locked in for the series. Machado got into a postseason record 58 fights in the series, with half of them being against Harper directly. By game 5, Harper had enough and launched a series winning home run that sent the pillows to the world series. Machado was furious at this loss, and he fought every member of the Padres before opting out of his contract.
After the season, Machado was set to win MVP for the first time in his career. However, he was doubled jumped by Nolan Arenado and Paul Goldshitz of the St Louis Kardashians. Paul went on to win the MVP instead while Arenado claimed another year of Elizabeth Olsen. Machado had reached his breaking point and decided to join Camarena by jumping off Petco Park. However, he was convinced by Samuel not to jump, and Machado instead pondered life for the entire offseason.
2023[edit | edit source]
Machado decided to return to the Padres on a new contract for 2023 season. Machado wrote a google document called "Yo." apologizing to the Padres organization for fighting them. To show his gratitude towards the city, Machado founded the MLS soccer team for San Diego. He decided to name them the "San Diego Camarena's."
During the season, Machado played well and limited the number of fights he got into. However, the Padres sucked dick all year. While Machado still didn't want to fight anyone, he took out his rage on water cooler in Milwaukee. The Milwaukee Drunks would go on to hold a memorial for the water cooler, and end up changing their name to the Milwaukee Water Coolers. After the Padres missed the playoffs again, Machado did end jumping off Petco Park but he survived because he forgot he was indestructible.
The year wasn't all terrible for Machado, as he watched Bryce Harper get touched by Evan Pham and the Arizona Dickbags in the playoffs. He also was thrilled that Nolan Arenado did not win the gold cock for the first time in his career, and he watched Elizabeth Olsen leave him. Machado promises his fans that next year the Padres will win the world series, as he plans to get into a record setting 10000 fist fights.
