Evil Galactic Umpire

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The Evil Galactic Umpire destroyed Alderaan and then proceeded to destroy this call
Lord Vader now has direct control over the National League Governors.

The Evil Galactic Umpire exists primarily to destroy the Rebellion of Baseball at the A, AA, AAA, and Majorly Overpaid level. Although singular in name, the Evil Galactic Umpire encompasses a vast network of Umperial Commanders which are collectively referred to as the Evil Galactic Umpire, collectively.

Their nefarious play calling inabilities are well documented throughout the history of baseball, particularly during the annual Battle of the Fall Classic. Rebel leaders (also known as managers) are repeatedly confounded during this epic struggle as they vie for power in the Rebel Alliance of World Serious. Umperial Corellian Starships frequently disrupt this battle with coordinated attacks from four separate bases which are cleverly hidden among the chaos of the Infield Theatre. Baserunning smugglers from both the American and National Leagues of the "Trade Me To The Yankees" Federation (also known as players) are oftentimes mysteriously and violently removed from their safe posts in the Infield Theatre by vengeful Umperial Commanders. Commander Brinkman and General Cederstrom are noted for this Umperial Strategy. It is believed that the Evil Galactic Umpire has moved to within striking distance of infields everywhere and no diamond sector is presently beyond their grasp.

Galactic Umpire Control Passed to Vader[edit | edit source]

Lord Vader has assumed direct control over the National League Governors. As a result of this, Jedi Bonds must now submit to drug testing every month. Lord Vader has appointed Rear Admiral Tim McClelland to the post of Umperial Commander of the American League Governorship. This vile tactic will have the immediate effect of further shrinking the strike zone, where the only called strikes will be in two sectors--Main Street and Wheelhouse. As a result of this, Jedi Bonds must now submit to drug testing every day. Umperial cruisers will most likely attack with a relentless barrage of balk calls and large insertions of backwards K's. Rebel Reconnaisance indicates that the Empire plans to attempt to shorten engagements (commonly referred to as games) to one inning and womanize females in attendance. As a result of this, Jedi Bonds must now submit to drug testing every second.

Tactical Umperial Deployments currently known include:

  • Game Shortening Deployments
  • Strike Zone Shrinkage Sorties
  • Massive Backward K Stormtrooper Deployments
  • Game Cancellation for Rain, Lightning, Wind, Sunlight, Darkness, Clouds, Air, and Shortages of Urinal Cakes
  • Unleashing creatures native to Tatooine upon players, such as the Sarlaac and Tammy Faye Bakker
  • Attacking Don Zimmer with the Pedro Cannon

Umperial Regime Shows Evidence of Complex Network[edit | edit source]

These dastardly Umperial savages have been causing major league disruption during professional baseball games at every level. Their methods are sinister and include swiping balls out of fielder's mitts, calling strike three when the count is 1-1, telepathically moving the foul lines to make fair balls foul, randomly and indiscriminately calling runners out, and streaking in unison. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than four Umperial Commanders terminating the sixth planet of the Astro system with a Streak of Death.

Some Rebel success has been documented using Heineken blasters and cheap Scandanavian whores. There is a direct connection between the Umperial Senate and that of the National Football League, where most of the Umperial Commanders who can no longer pass the vision examination are sent for rehabilitation, where they are demoted to ranks such as referee, back judge, and line judge. Those commanders who are discharged dishonorably serve time in the detention level in the remote reaches of the Wimbledon system.

See also[edit | edit source]