Seattle Mariners

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Nintendo is proud to be owners of this sucky franchise

“So... did I start this one or was it Josh Holmes?”

~ Dave Grohl on The Seattle Mariners


~ Lou Pinella on The Seattle Mariners

“Seriously, I DID play for them and no they didn't pay me in small countries”

~ Alex Rodriguez on his time in Seattle

“I Am The Sheriff.”

~ Norm Charlton

History[edit | edit source]

Ichiro Suzuki started in the late eighties/early ninties - it's still a bit unclear who actually started the club. Many believe it was yet another side project belonging to Dave Grohl..... or maybe it was Josh Holmes. Either way both were among the founding players for the Seattle Mariners.

The Mariners managed to win the American League West in 2008 despite losing 101 games. Yet, no one seemed to really care.

Development[edit | edit source]

The Mariners are famous for producing some of Pro League Baseball's brightest players and for letting them all go without even knowing it. "They were around here somewhere..... try behind the sofa." quickly became the club's motto after they had Randy Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, Jay Buhner, Ken Griffey Jr, Brett Boone, Courtney Love and Tiger Woods after they left them alone in the house while they just went down to the shops for some milk. Then they left and became happier. They had a big party but Griffey couldn't come because he was in the hospital, injured again.

As a result, The Mariners were forced to find new talent to fill the club's roster. Club officals went to Japan and began to rebuild. This has recently caused a few problems as the Mariners did not allow any of their players to take part in the World Baseball Classic, forcing Japan to pull out simply because they didn't have enough players to field a team. Norm "The Sheriff" Charlton basically locked up the team and made it his, simply because he's the sheriff and he does what he wants. Someone needs to teach him a lesson, put him in timeout or something

Who the Fuck Cares Era[edit | edit source]

A crowded Safeco Field watches as the Mariners lose miserably

2008 marked a significant time of faggotry from the Mariners. Instead of focusing on winning, coaches often allowed all of the countless Asian fans to play. As time went by, the faggotry got worse. This, as well as a lack of talent, led to record low attendance. After a while, the Mariners lost all of the half-decent players, which led them to only having Ichiro Suzuki, Felix Hernandez and countless other talentless minorities.

Eventually, the Mariners had more players on the team than they had fans. This lead the team to focus more on having silly advertisements rather than focusing on winning baseball games. However, what proved so difficult about this ad campaign, was that no one knew who the players in the advertisements.

The Mariners way[edit | edit source]

Photo from the Mariners development program
  1. Take no note of who you draft or sign
  2. Buy plane ticket to Japan
  3. Sign any Asian player you can find, even if it's a kid with a glove, SIGN HIM!!
  4. Trade away talented non Asian players, for money to buy Asian players
  5. Throw away playoff chances
  6. Enjoy your sushi

The Latino Revolution[edit | edit source]

After years of signing Asian players and going nowhere, the Mariners needed a change of plans if they wanted to lose to the Yankees in the playoffs again. By this time Nintendo had sold all their shares in the team in order to bolster Wii-U production, so the remaining members of the Mariners executive team called an emergency meeting. Lots of ideas to save the franchise were tossed around, but all of them involved murdering the Ranger horse in some way, which is still illigal in Washington.

Eventually, they just decided to do a complete 180 and sell all their Japanese players to other teams, instead investing all their efforts into getting Latino greatslike Roenis Elias, Luis Torrens, Julio Rodriguez, and Nacho Libre to play for them. Somehow this worked, and the Mariners are now experiencing the greatest period of success since before they signed all those asians.

External links[edit | edit source]