A Magic Bat is a baseball bat that gives it's user the power to hit the ball really far.
Magic Bats Today[edit | edit source]
Today approximately 1 in 3 professional baseball players claim to have a magic bat. However this is often a cover up for their steroid abuse. "Magic Bats" often contain solid lead too. Most kids who are being made fun of in little league baseball believe they have discovered a magic bat, only to get better at baseball, reach the little league world series, lose the magic bat, and then discover it wasn't magic at all after an inspirational talk from a parent or athlete. This is the subject of countless stories. Recent studies revealed that only 1 in 15 bats is actually magical.
HowTo:Find a Magic Bat[edit | edit source]
Most magic bats have an abnormal history, usually washing up on a beach or being carved from a tree branch. It can be possible to find a magic bat at your local small baseball store, provided the owner is a mysterious stranger and the bat is the only one for sale (See Sacred Rules of Strangers).
Determining if the Bat is Magical[edit | edit source]
To determine if the bat is magical, there are a few tests to use.
- How far does a ball hit with the bat fly? If it can do ridiculously far, then it is a magic bat.
- Did the bat supposedly belong to a deceased baseball player? If so then it's definitely a magic bat.
- Does the bat levitate in the air? Then it's probably a magic bat.
- Give the magic bat to the most egotistic, cruel player you can find. If he cannot hit with it, then it could be a magic bat. Be careful if attempting to enter little league, as this player will be pitching against you at the final part of the little league world series.
- Does the bat have something heavy inside, such as lead or solid gold? Then it is probably not a magic bat.
- Is your team already winning games consecutively when you discover the magic bat? Then it is probably not magic. In this situation, try losing some games to become the underdog, because the underdog always wins.
- Are the commentators making fun of you? Then you will stumble upon a magic bat, guaranteed.
- Are your parents considering a divorce, you can't get a girlfriend, and you only have a few stereotypical friends who are the laughing stock of the school and team? Then you will find a magic bat.
HowTo:Make a Magic Bat[edit | edit source]
Making a magic bat is kind of pointless since you cannot use a magic bat of your own creation. If you are still intent on making one, make sure it is not a commercial bat. You must make the bat by hand. Now, the difficult part is making it magical. The exact Harry Potter spell for making a bat magic is unknown but keep saying latin words and you should get it eventually. If you cannot use magic, suck out some blood from someone who can and put it into yourself. If you cannot find a wizard, filling the bat with mana, ectoplasm, or the ashes of the dead should work. Then leave it somewhere such as the ocean or the grave of a dead baseball player. If it is discovered by a stranger or a small child, then you have indeed succeeded in making a magic bat.
Famous Magic Bats[edit | edit source]
- Batty. Won the 2001 little league world series for the Alaska Eskimos.
- Bat the bat. Won the 2001 little league world series for the Florida Fishies.
- Superbat. Won the 2001 little league world series for the Wyoming Nothings.
- Asplosion. Won the 2002 little league world serier for the Noobia Noobs.
- Generic name. Won the 2004 world series for the Canada Ice Blocks.
- Death bat. Won the 2004, 2005, and 2006 world series for some team that got a successful movie.
- Moar bats. Won all world seriesii, ever.
- Mehbat. Won the meh little league world series.