Daniel Slamarena
Daniel Slamarena is the hero destined to restore the universe from the destruction caused by Samuel. Can he do it, or will he shit himself?
Wander Island[edit | edit source]
After hitch-hiking with the goat Leo Castaneda, Daniel crossed the border and returned to a US that wasn't able to recoup. At first he thought Japan had dropped two nukes on the US, but he soon noticed the smoke coming from Houston. Daniel quickly learned how to fly a plane, and flew to Houston in a record eighty hours. He investigated the ruins of Astro stadium, but he accidently stepped on rotten guacamole and ruined his Jordans. Daniel went to a nearby playground to wash his shoes, but at the playground he saw cum stains. He immediately recognized them as Wander Franco's, thinking he killed the US. Daniel was able to smell the cum particles in the air and follow them to see where they led.
Daniel flew across the seven seas and eventually reached Wander Island, "A Child's Dream Come True". The island was more advanced than Daniel thought, having facilities for newborn breeding and Anti-puberty laboratories. There was also a catapult to launch 18-year-olds into the ocean. Daniel wasted no time to WANDER around, so he went straight to the section for 14-year-olds.
Justice is served[edit | edit source]
Franco was getting FREAKY with his 14-year-old sweetheart when Daniel walked in. Before being given a chance to pull out, Wander got sniped by a baseball and started getting interrogated by Daniel. This gave the 14-year-old girl a chance to run away from her captor. Daniel was fully convinced Wander destroyed the US, until he pulled out an emergency video tape from a nearby gym locker. Franco loaded the video, and on the Disney decorated TV they both watched Wander molest a very young Samuel. He dropped all the Samuel lore, and Daniel soon realized Wander was innocent. Wander then led Daniel to the backrooms ...
In the backrooms, Wander had a device capable of tracking time anomalies he built all by himself. Franco explained quantum mechanics to Daniel, and how he was been tracking Shohei Ohtani and his time jumps. Daniel didn't know what any of this meant because he only went to janitor school. Wander explained in retard terms, saying how once he learned the time travel pattern, they could intercept it and possibly travel too. However, Franco was perfectly happy at his island and didn't care to save the world. Daniel was forced to make a trade. Daniel would receive help from Wander, and in return Franco would receive Daniel's first-born child.
One dance[edit | edit source]
Daniel tried enjoying his day at Wander Island, but he kept getting approached by horny seven-year-olds. Luckily, Wander finally figured out a pattern for Ohtani's time jumps. He calculated his next appearance to be in Oman 24 hours from now. If they didn't catch Ohtani then, they would have to wait another twelve minutes. That was time they did not have. Daniel packed up all his janitor gear as Wander begin kissing all his lovers goodbye. He gave them a standing ovation, but instead of pulling out his hat he pulled out his cock.
God's Plan[edit | edit source]
On the plane ride to Oman, Daniel and Wander had life talks. Daniel explained some of his dreams from the 900-day IL, including one where the Padres won the world series. Wander laughed hysterically at such a dream, before he began jerking off to his baby photos. Daniel looked out the window and saw the greatest hero ever Homelander flying next to them. Daniel was excited, but Wander had watched the Boys and knew what was about to happen. Homelander lasered their plane and they crashed into separate areas. Daniel landed on top of Oman park, and Wander landed in a farm.
Homelander landed on top of Oman park with Daniel, and began telling him to jump. Daniel got extreme PTSD from the Petco Park incident and started crying on top. Just before he jumped off, Wander showed up with a bucket of white liquid. Homelander couldn't resist the temptation and started drinking the 500 liters Wander had brought. The two escaped, with Daniel thanking Wander for bringing the milk to save him. Wander responded with "who said anything about milk?"
Sicko mode[edit | edit source]
With not much time left, the two arrived at Shohei's expected coordinates. In a split second, Ohtani appeared out of thin air wearing spandex and holding panties. Without questioning what the fuck could have possibly happened, Daniel tried subduing Ohtani but he was teleporting in and out of reality. Time aura began circulating around the area, and Daniel was getting younger. Wander tried to hold Ohtani still, but he was struggling to battle his erection from young Daniel. The buildings nearby started becoming straw houses, and dinosaurs started spawning in. The now-four-year-old Daniel managed to grab ahold of Ohtani's penis, and started jerking him as fast as he could. Ohtani eventually busted, a huge wave of green energy exploded around, and the three dawgs vanished ...
Time heist[edit | edit source]
The shitters woke up in the middle of Angels stadium, and conveniently they were next to a time capsule. Ohtani was shoved into the capsule to prevent him from leaving, as Daniel and Wander tried to find out where they were. They ran into Ohtani's interpreter, who was gambling Ohtani's money away, and asked him to translate for Shohei. Shohei revealed that they were in the year 450 BC, a year Wander Franco remembered very well. It was the year he touched Samuel. The trio now knew that they needed to stop past Wander from touching Samuel in order to save the world.
Upon being released from the time capsule Ohtani said, "I'll be away for a bit," before teleporting away. He returned two seconds later: "I'm back." The trio plus Ohtanis interpreter began heading to New York City where Wander grabbed a penis. There were no planes yet, so they had to walk the entire journey.
Looks MAXxing[edit | edit source]
After a day of travel, the group needed to take a break to charge their phones. They stopped at Gamblers Paradise, Nevada which is a place well known for good financial decisions. The group arrived at a perfect time though, as Ava Max was hosting a concert at the soon to be A's stadium. The trio saw no harm in attending it while Ohtani's interpreter gambled millions of dollars at a local casino. Within ten seconds of going off on his own, the interpreter lost Ohtani's entire contract. He kept betting on 22 because of the Taylor Swift song.
After singing along to Sweet but Psycho, the trio left the main area because they knew no other songs. They started exploring the backrooms of A's stadium, and they encountered a baby who mogged them. The crew found a mini Phillies jersey nearby, and learned the baby was Bryce Harper. Daniel had to hold Wander back, while Shohei debated whether they should kill Harper as a baby. Ohtani's power suddenly activated, and he teleported away with the baby. As soon as Ohtani teleported away, Ava Max walked in the room screaming where her baby was. Daniel was too sigma to be afraid of a female, until she grew fangs and started shooting poison at the duo ...
The fall guy[edit | edit source]
Ohtani and baby Harper teleported back to the present day, inside Samuel and regular Harpers new base of operations. They hid inside Harpers closet as they listened to the two villains play a fortnite-reloaded game. From the sound of it, Samuel kinda sucked at Fortnite. Suddenly, baby Harper dropped an absolute nuke in his diaper which made Ohtani almost suffocate. The pair noticed the smell and started heading for the closest, hoping to catch a bigger whiff. At the last moment, Ohtani and the baby teleported away, but a piece of time aura was left behind ...
Wander and Daniel were still running away from Ava Max, and they sprinted into the casino where Ohtani's interpreter was trillions of dollars in debt. Wander noticed a sign about how 99% of gamblers quit before winning big, so he started running to a nearby slot machine. However, he collided into Shohei who just teleported back with the baby. The baby went flying and landed on top of the interpreter, who was begging strangers for loans. Ava Max caught him and performed multiple fatalities, while the trio made a run for it. Ohtani was no longer able to communicate with the others, so he wasn't able to tell them he needed a bathroom break. His bladder ruptured.
Rollercoaster adventure[edit | edit source]
The trio managed to tank most of the trip and made it all the way to Florida. They stopped at the spring training facility to rest, but there was currently a Padre-Dodger game happening. Daniel went to the bathroom and encountered Chris Taylor at the urinal, unable to get a stream going. Taylor was eager to help save the world, because he didn't know who Chris Martinez was yet. Shohei meanwhile recruited Manny Machado as he had gotten ejected from the game for cockpunching Mac Munk. The five dawgs wanted to have fun before saving the world, so they agreed to go to universal studios first. Little did they know, Samuel was coming for their asses ...
At Universal studios, Wander claimed he got sick from the mummy ride, so he went to rest in the kiddy section. Daniel and Shohei went off for the minions ride, while Manny and Taylor went to go do random-ass games. While playing beanbag, Machado was approached by two losers named Hayden and Adrian Navarro who wanted his autograph. Manny immediately thanked Hayden, before signing their papers. Suddenly, Hayden threw Jamba Juice at Manny while Adrian tried capturing him. Navarro claimed that someone named Samuel would make him principal of Eastlake if he took Manny. Manny tried fighting back, but the juice was too gross and also NOT FREE. Hayden prepared to drown Manny in barf flavored juice, but a parrot came soaring in and scratched Hayden so badly he couldn't attend any Japanese meetings. Machado was able to get rid of all the juice, and started beating up the two kids, while the parrot called them racial slurs. The parrot flew behind Manny, and he saw it land next to Chris Taylor, who was in tears. When Manny asked what happened, Taylor just said, "My wife's been cheating on me."
Daniel and Ohtani rode the minions ride with JPG, who was riding it for the 17th time in a row. Daniel kept trying to start a conversation but all he kept saying was, "My dog is dead." Suddenly, the ride broke down and Ohtani went to go investigate. A blazing fireball came flying at Ohtanis head, missed, and instead evaporated JPG in a POOF. Bryce Harper boarded the ride, saw Ohtani, and remembered him as the guy who kidnapped him for five minutes as a baby. Daniel jump-tackled Bryce and they fell into middle of the minion ride. They began throwing different minions at each other, and created the first ever Minion Manslaughter. Ohtani came in clutch, as he threw a nearby mop at Daniel. Daniel harnessed his janitor skills, and wiped the floor with Bryce, literally. Unfortunately, they were in reload mode so Bryce respawned and escaped. As they escaped the ride, Ohtani time jumped once again ...
Forbidden info[edit | edit source]
Ohtani time travelled a day into the future. He saw the squad stopping the original Wander Franco from touching Samuel, and this made Ohtani think they won. However, the future Wander couldn't stop his temptations and he touched Samuel instead. This meant the timeline wouldn't be saved, and Ohtani watched a nuke fall from the sky and destroy the world now instead. Before the radiation hit him, Ohtani travelled back to before and regrouped with the bois, as they headed to New York City.
The flight of Shohei[edit | edit source]
Spontaneous crimes[edit | edit source]
The five dawgs arrived at New York City, and stared up at the Empire State Building. It was only a matter of time before Wander touched Samuel, so they began climbing the tower. About halfway up, Chris Taylor slipped and began falling to his death. The parrot thankfully caught him, but it kept saying "wife cheated" so Taylor started crying again. The bois reached the top, and up ahead they saw no other than Wander Franco ready to get freaky with Samuel. Daniel began convincing the old Wander to not touch him, but Ohtani stared at the other Franco and saw his mouth began to water. Ohtani knew what he had to do. He ran over to the old Wander and chopped his penis off. Both versions of Wander Franco screamed in pain, but the newer one was still willing to put up a fight. "I dont need my penis to molest you!" He tackled Daniel off the building, and Daniel thought he was gonna end up on the 900-day IL once again ...
After Wander and Daniel fell off, Bryce Harper descended from the skies and used "Into the Void" to teleport Manny and Taylor away. Ohtani told him it was over, that Samuel was not gonna be a bad guy anymore. Harper stared at his young father, and knew he had to initiate the emergency plan. Ohtani watched with absolute horror as Bryce began molesting his father. Once he finished, Harper threw up uncontrollably. After fifteen hours, he walked over to the edge of the building and pressed a red button on his belt. He proceeded to jump off the empire state building, unable to live with the sinful act he committed. Ohtani looked up into the sky, and saw the nuke from earlier beginning to fall ...
Once a pedo ...[edit | edit source]
Daniel did not land on the 900-day IL, he instead landed on the statue of liberty with Wander Franco. Daniel told Wander that he was going to order a pizza, but he heard him dial only three numbers. Wander pulled a "fun sized" dildo out of his hat and started shoving it up Daniel. Daniel managed to get a trash bag out of his pocket and started suffocating Wander with it. Franco was able to penetrate the bag with his extra long tongue, which he used on kids. Franco pulled out a gun that shot STD darts, and tried giving Daniel AIDS. Daniel went on the outside of the statue, but he got an irresistible urge to clean her face. Franco was able to take the opportunity to shoot Daniel with HPV. The police had arrived, but they had no way of getting on top of the tower. Daniel had no other way out, so he jumped off the statue and aimed for the water. Luckily, The Deep was able to save him as he just finished fucking an octopus. Wander jumped off, but he hit a cable wire and got electrocuted. He was placed on the fourteen-year IL as he was taken by police.
Vengeance[edit | edit source]
Shohei ran down the empire state building, and headed to the nearest military base. He stole a fighter jet and started flying towards the nuke. He didn't see any way of disarming the nuke, but his time powers were starting to activate again. Shohei was able to hold them in, but the power started building up. Being in a plane made Ohtani want to jerk off, so he started taking his pants off. However, he saw Daniel and all the NYC civilians running for their lives. Ohtani got reminded of his failure to protect Japan, so he put his pants back on and locked in. He stared at Daniel, and gave him a super joyful wave before he started flying towards the nuke. Ohtanis time powers were causing the whole plane to emit green energy, but he kept edging them. He started concentrating on a world where the US wasn't destroyed, but was still weaker than Japan. With the plane ready to explode, Shohei rammed his plane into the nuke and caused it to erupt. The time energy merged with the blast, and everyone that was hit with the blast time travelled instead of dying. Daniel tried finding his friend before he got launched through time, but Ohtani was nowhere to be found ...
It is said Ohtani died from the nuke, but every now and then a Japanese man was spotted in the history books.
A new world[edit | edit source]
When Daniel opened his eyes, he was back in San Diego. The whole city was normal again, and he saw all his old teammates alive again. He turned on the news and saw that Astro stadium was completely normal. Daniel screamed "POG" because Ohtani was able to save the world. However, someone yelled at him from the top of Petco Park. It was the original timeline Samuel, who still wanted to destroy the world. He began using ancient magic to cause earthquakes, wildfires, and furry conventions. Daniel knew he had to stop the natural disasters, but he wasn't sure if he could enter Petco Park after his incident. Daniel thought to himself, "What Would Jesus Do?" and decided that Jesus would save the universe. Daniel ran into Petco Park, ready to stop Samuel.
The final showdown[edit | edit source]
Daniel raced through a collapsing Petco Park, dodging all the tacos flying at him. He found that one yellow cart janitors use, and geared up with mops and buckets. He eventually reached the roof of Petco, and saw Samuel conjuring magic. Daniel threw a dirty towel at him and declared war. Samuel started shooting dark magic at him, but Daniel was able to block them with trash lids. He then started hitting Samuel with a mop, but Samuel was able to summon clones and they started to gangbang Daniel. Suddenly, a light shined on Daniel and he was given a newfound power. He fought the Samuel clones off his dick, and bitch slapped them so hard they evaporated. Daniel started glowing gold and floated in the air, while Samuel began flying with his own dark magic. The two created a supernova with their powers, and Petco Park began to fly high into the air...
Daniel Slamarena and Samuel got into a true superhero fight as Petco Park continued to rise. Samuel hadn't eaten his daily twix bar yet, and he was starting to lose his energy. With Daniel's new holy spirit, he tried to convince Samuel that he could stop being a hater. Samuel was too far gone though, as he was even hating on BG Meetups. Samuel tried to attack once more, but Daniel shot him off Petco Park, which was now eighty miles above earth. Samuel landed on the UFO where he came from, and was placed on the 16-million-day IL.
The San Diego residents watched Petco Park rise a hundred miles above earth, scared for their boi Daniel. He had no way of getting Petco Park back down safely, and he quickly realized this. Daniel smiled as he remembered the one time he hit a grand slam off a Hall of Fame pitcher, before he used his powers to shoot Petco Park back down to earth. Moving at 400B mph, Daniel just did the salute emote as Petco Park crashed back into perfect position. Daniel went flying off the roof and landed fifty feet underground in Mozambique. He was placed on the three-trillion-day IL.
The entire world had a ceremony honoring Daniel Slamarena, and a statue was built for him on the roof of Petco Park where no one would see it. The MLB personally honored him with "MVP of the World". Although Daniel may have passed on, his spirit lives on forever watching over us. Next time you think about running over a bush, think to yourself: "What would Daniel do."