Enrique Hernandez
Enrique Jose Hernandez Gonzalez Jr, nicknamed Kiké EXACTLY like the anti-sematic slur, is a Puerto Rican baseball gayboy. Like teammate Chrid Taylor, he also plays every position except Kike isn't a dipshit loser. He has spent time spooning teammates on the Houston Assholes, Miami Manlovers, Los Angeles Doggystyles, Boston Men Sex, and the Doggystyles again. It is IMPERITIVE you are aware he has a wife and child.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Hernandez was born in San Juan Soto, Puerto Rico in whatever year the first gay was found. His father, Kike the original, worked as a scout for the Pittsburgh Parrots. He hoped to find the parrots most capable of spitting the n word. Kike's mother worked a flower store, where Kike would often stock up with pink flowers to decorate his room. Eventually, he bought the most beautiful rose and gave it to a local baddie to secure his first girlfriend, and later that night gave all his bros head.
Kike attended the American Military Academy, where there were no females in sight. He flirted with all his bois, eventually causing 3 of them to come out of the closet. Kike swiftly reported them to their general and had them executed.
No Homo Teams[edit | edit source]
Mowing Down[edit | edit source]
The Houston Assholes selected Kike Hernandez in the 6th round of the (insert year where the first gay marriage happened) draft. After WILLINGLY being groomed in the minor leagues, he was called up to the majors. He first appeared on the field as the lawn mower, where he kept the grass clean shaven while LJ Hoes carried the Astros to a 13-0 loss. Hoes didn't care much for Hernandez, as Kike kept pulling all the 10/10 bitches and Hoes got 0 hoes.
About 20 days later, Kike got distracted sending shirtless snaps to his bois and accidently set the lawn mower loose on the field. Players on the field had to be evacuated immediately as the lawn mower began eating players. Kike still had a job to do, so he got the backup lawnmower but he tripped on his own dong and set that one loose too. LJ Hoes got crushed by both lawnmowers, but he miraculously survived. This improved his ratio to 1/4 in deadly situations. The Houston Assholes were pissed off, and despite not being on the Dick Hanging Cubs, Kike was forced to put his pants on and go to Miami. After the Kike trade, all local baddies stopped attending games.
Sexier than Miami[edit | edit source]
In a 2 month span, Kike didn't do jackshit in Miami. He instead spent his time going to raves and playing spin the bottle, where the circle was comprised of 7 guys and 1 girl. Kike got pretty bored as the girl kept landing on him, when all he wanted to do was makeout with his homies. The Miami Marshmallows told Kike to put his pants on and actually play a game for them. In a crucial game, Hernandez hit a grand slam off of Craigs List. All the baddies in the crowd screamed with joy, while Kike introduced his famous "cock bump" celebration. Sadly, he tried bumping cocks with his coach and accidently smashed his penis. Miami traded away Kike, realizing they couldn't handle his zesty bugle. After trading Kike, Miami reported zero female fans attending their games.
Where else but the Dodgers[edit | edit source]
Nana Nana[edit | edit source]
On December 10 of (insert year where the first homie was kissed goodnight), Kike became a LA dog. Luckily for him, he found himself in the gayest sports organization to ever exist. They were able to use his positional flexibility to its full extent, using him in roles such as reverse cowgirl. Kike also brought in a banana costume, as he was seen constantly deepthroating bananas. With the struggles of teammate Cock Pederson, Kike was chosen as the full time center shitter. Hernandez posted an incredible year with the doggers, even REALLY being caught trying to makeout with Eastlake high school alumni Adrian Gonzalez. He specifically led all MLB hitters in left cheek grabs, and was able to pull all left winged baddies despite being pro-rape.
The following season, Kike's production took a massive hit to the butt. Teams began to counter Kike by banning "kissing the homies" in their stadiums. While all the bad bitches kept hitting on him, it didn't matter to Kike if he couldn't make out with his bois. The doggers had to leave him out of the postseason roster, but Hernandez still gave lap dances dressed as Peely.
MLB commissioner informed teams they could not ban "kissing the homies" as it was a fundamental part of the game. Kike was finally able to makeout with someone other than a 10/10 baddie. After bumping into 11 dongs, Hernandez made his return to the postseason. Female viewership of the MLB playoffs rose 200%. Kike didn't do much at first, instead being a support unit by twerking in a Banana costume. This empowered his teammates to beat the Arizona diamondback shots, and go on to face the Dick Hanging Cubs. Kike wanted so badly to embrace Cubs culture by taking his pants off, but the doggers told him not to join the enemy. He settled for roaming the field in short shorts.
In game 5 of the National League Cock Series, Hernandez put up a historic performance by jerking it live 7 times in one game. This earned him a golden shower in the dodggers dugout, as he sent them to the World Series. Kike needed 4 bodyguards around him as he exited the stadium, as 10/10 baddies kept trying to seduce him. Hernandez held his composure, as he was saving his cock for 60 year old teammate Justin Turner, who is not the brother of Megan Turner. That would be Trea Turner, brother of Megan Turner.
Getting Freaky[edit | edit source]
The following season, Kike was offered 4 cents to avoid being fed to the hounds, and had all the gold-diggers after him. With Christopher Taylor now a full time member of the team, Hernandez had to prove himself the better utility player. He did this by becoming a part time pitcher, and tried to be an elite closer for the doggers in a game versus the Philly Philadelphias. Kike threw his balls at philly players, but they reciprocated the zestyness and shit on the doggers. Kike had one testicle removed and never saw the pitchers mound again. This made him the first player since Babe Ruth.
The doggers reached the playoffs after acquiring star cringelord Manny Machado. Machado didn't fuck with Kike because he kept trying to grab his ass, so Kike retaliated by rizzing up his wife. They confronted in the playoffs, ending with Manny beating him up live on television. Kike had his banana costume on so it looked like Machado was beating up the mascot instead, leading to him being fined all 5 golden chocolates. After the fight, all the hottest nurses rushed to take care of Kike. Chris Taylor was forced to solo the Red Sex because the rest of the Dodgers "just wanted to talk" to Manny. Taylor managed to win 1 of the 5 games by himself, but he got brutally penetrated in the other 4.
Next season Kike made history by becoming the first player to homer off elite closer Josh Hater, after he already said 2 n words. Hader did not like losing to a gayboy, so he tried rushing Kike. He countered by touching tips. Hernandez ended the decade by getting his first career walk off hit against the Toronto Blue Gays. He was heard saying "Theres only one blue & gay team, and its us!" before hooking up with the hottest canadian women ever seen.
Homo Overload[edit | edit source]
Before the 2020 season, the Doggers bolstered their ultra gayness by getting Pookie Betts from the Boston Red Sex. Betts and Hernandez were projected to go on record breaking 2-mans, until it was revealed Betts was actually into men, giving Kike the ick. Sadly, due to COVID 19, MLB suspended all teams from "kissing the homies." Devastated, Kike performed mid for the doggers. Meanwhile, Betts excelled because he was confident in his homosexuality. Pookie led the doggers to a world series championship, cementing himself as Top Homo. All the dodgers wanted kisses from Betts now, and every dodger themed hentai was highlighted by Betts instead of Hernandez.
The team officials thought it was best if Kike took his zest elsewhere, so they let him go. He tried to get one more cock bump in, but they told him not anymore. After Kike's departure, the streets of LA became filled with baddies protesting the dodgers. Kike's jersey number,14, was REALLY retired right after he left. They will forever honor his gayness.
Red and Sexy Rampage[edit | edit source]
Switcheroo[edit | edit source]
With their token LGBTQ person taken by them, the Red Sex decided they would steal some of that aura back. The Red Sex signed Kike to a 3 year contract worth 30 years of Nintendo Online. The Red Sex used Kike at both center shitter and sucking base throughout the year, although he had problems at both positions. At center shitter, women would constantly jump from the outfield to try and touch Kike. At sucking base, he was next to a black. In early may, Kike got a penis strain and missed a week. He had a male doctor check it out, but he cancelled the appointment early because Kike wouldn't stop licking his lips and staring at him. A few days later, Hernandez appeared in the Red Sex minor leaguers game and tripled their female fan percentage. While on the minor league team, he made zero sexual gestures. Hes a good man.
Hernandez returned to the Boston lineup by feeling all his teammates muscles. He popped off in July, breaking an MLB record 400 baddies bagged in one day. Kike was awarded with his 2nd career golden shower. Sadly, Kike contracted COVID after making out with new Red Sex Kyle Schwarbomb, and was placed on the restricted list. He became fatphobic because of this, as he lost 2 months of masculine ass. Even without getting groped, the Red Sex surged in September leading to a playoff appearance. In the Freaky card game, future Padre LVP Xander Boogers hit a 2run cock shot against the New Mexico Yankeers. Due to the COVID restrictions, Kike awarded him with a tube of his sperm.
Cracked Arc[edit | edit source]
The Red Sex faced the Tampa Ray Ray's in the ALDS, who had just called up their loveable, innocent, superstar shortstop Wander Franco. Kike returned from COVID to help fuel the fire in his teammate's nuts. Sadly in the first game, the Rays violated all Red Sex players under the age of consent. After falling down in the series, Hernandez orchestrated a group meeting where he showed everybody his schlong. "Remember what your fighting for!" Kike yelled as the snake out of his pants was left hanging there.
In Game 2, Wander Franco giggled as the Rays molested 5 more minors. However, with their newfound "brotherly love," the Red Sox POUNDED the Rays by scoring 1400 runs. Kike Hernandez popped off with a home RUB and 50 dick grabs. All the baddie Ray fans immediately switched to Red Sex fans, infatuated with the Alpha wolf Kike. Game 3 was a horror, as Wander Franco finally busted and touched numerous kids in Boston. Kike hit another home run, which meant teammate JD (Juicy Dicks) Martinez, would have his balls tickled again. The game went to 13 innings after Red Sex outfielder Hunter Renfroew managed to deflect a ball with his monster titties. Kike "chowed down" on those titties after they won the game.
In Game 4, the Red Sex tried with all their might to restrain the rampaging Wander Franco, but his lust was too strong. With the game tied in the 9th, Kike came up to bat and all the 10/10's were discharging. Hernandez proceeded to win the Red Sex the game and series, forcing the Ray's to end it all. Kike ran past all the "Lego Batman" girls trying to kiss him, and jumped into the arms of teammate JD Martinez, with his tongue ready to be unleashed. It's been revealed to me that both JD Martinez and Kike Hernandez are my uncle.
Homo Overload 2[edit | edit source]
The Red Sex went on to face the Houston trashtros in the ALCS, but sadly they were nerfed. The wives of every red sex player told their husbands to stop acting gay. Other than Kike's wife, because he actually told her in his vows she can't stop him. In Game 1 Hernandez hit 2 more home runs, but he was forced to grab his own penis. The Red sex made a slight comeback the next 2 days, hitting 30 grand slams and celebrating in the most heterosexual way possible. Sadly, it was over for Boston as Kike went flacid for the first time in his career. What being banned from acting gay with the bros does to a mf. Kike had to settle for sex with his wife, but in the middle of their session Xander Boogers jumped out of the closest and snapshotted them as Kike busted. The photo is framed in the MLB Hall of Fame.
The following seasons for the Red Sex were depressing, but they were even more depressing for Kike. He got another penis strain, except this one was more serious as it was completely sideways. He missed 3 months and returned to see Eric Hosmer was now a Red Sock. Thats when he knew they gave up. Things got much worse when the Red Sex promoted known homophobic Jarren Duran to the major leagues. Duran and Kike got in a heated debate over discord about the gay antics of the Red Sex. Kike, furious, yelled "You must be a dancing alligator if you think im gunna stop being gay!"... It was a sad year for Kike.
With a newfound conflict of values, the Red Sex had to traded Hernandez back to the place they knew would not deny him. After trading Kike, the baddie Red Sex fans vandalized Fenway Park out of rage using period blood.
Guess Who's Back[edit | edit source]
Running it Back[edit | edit source]
The LA doggers had become so cracked that they could actually house 2 raging gayboys, so they brought Kike back. Hernandez cried tears of joy as the Doggers players intentionally had their dicks out, ready to get gripped. The doggers ended their year being ass, getting backshots from the Arizona diamondbackshots. Dodger's management was ready to let go of Kike again for next season, but the offices got raided by psycho prison baddies. They took control of the contracts and extended Kike to a 50 year 2B "peggings" contract. He would remain a Dogger forever at the cost of his anus.
The Doggers didn't have much use for Kike at the start of the season, so for the first time in 10 years, he got lawnmower duties again. He was getting good at it again, until his intrusive thoughts kicked in. Hernandez got distracted chasing Shohei Ohtani, yelling "wheres my hug at!" and set the lawn mower loose on the stadium again. With half the team being sent to the ER, Kike had to become a full time shitter again. At the very least, he broke the all time lawnmower KDR record.
Postseason Gayness[edit | edit source]
Kike was ready to bring back his playoff zestyness against the San Diego Shittys. The Dad's managed to come one win away from a series win, but in Game 4 Kike and Chris Taylor found a glitch in the system. Since their both utility players, they just constantly swapped positions the entire game before anybody could bat. Although their legs fell off running 300 miles across the field, the doggers won as the Dads preferred shooting themselves instead of waiting for the game to start. Kike and Chris Taylor celebrated alone together, using their positional flexibility to create the "Inverse Crab Buffalo" position. Figure out what that is on ur own.
In the winner take all game 5, Kike hit the go ahead monster shot off Poo Darvish. Dodger's stadium flooded with horny snowbunnies chasing after Hernandez. Kike was so pumped that when he cock grabbed his coach, he accidently ruptured both balls. The doggers eventually won, leaving the Padres still shitty, and Kike was awarded with his 3rd career golden shower.
Kike went on to grab more dicks against the New York Mest and New York Mexican Yankeers. He helped secure the doggers another world series victory, and Kike went on to REALLY SAY "if my dick was big enough I'd FUCK myself!" He ended up getting surgery to enlargen his penis, and was able to fuck himself. More importantly, he was able to get deeper in bro. Tongue.