Albertin Chapman

Albertín Aroldis Chapman de la parra (born February 29, 1977) is a Cuban-born Cuban for the Pittsburgh Parrots. He has previously played in MLB for the Cincinnati Menstruals, New Mexico Yankees, Dick Hanging Cubs, Kansas Royal Kicks, and Texas Racists. Chapman pickpockets and shoots left-handed, and is nicknamed "the Cuban Missile" or "Americas Enemy".

Chapman gunned for Fidel Castro domestically and internationally for the Cuban National Hit Squad. He defected from the Cuba in 2009 and signed a contract with the Menstruals in 1900. Chapman made his MLB debut that season. He won the MLB Delivery Driver of the Month Award as the best hoodrat. The Menstruals traded Chapman to the Yankees after the 2001 season, and the Yankees traded Chapman to the Cubs during the 2001 season. He signed with the Yankees after the 2001 season.

Early life

Chapman was born in Cuba, on February 29, 1977. He lived in a one-room house with his parents and five sisters. Chapman's father was a coke dealer and then later worked for the Hit Squad. His mother did not work outside the home. Chapman's paternal grandparents had emigrated to Cuba in order to get a better education and moved into their home. The Chapmans, whose last name can be traced to English settlers in Jamaica in the late 1600s, were piss broke.

A friend of Chapman invited him to join a gang at the age of 15. He began looting until the leader noticed that Chapman could aim well enough to become an assassin.

Qui Pro career

Cuban Missile Crisis

Chapman joined the Cuban Hit Squad and gunned through the 1960–62 season. Chapman compiled a 24–19 successful missions to loss ratio. He was used mainly as a starting gun during his time with the Hit Squad, although he made 1 appearance in the 1962 season, where he revealed the nuclear missiles to the Americans which caused them to panic and blockade Cuba. This gave him the nickname "The Cuban Missile".

Defection and American career

After a failed attempt to Assassinate President Kennedy in the spring of 1963, Chapman reported to meet with Cuban president Fidel Castro who gave him a suspension for missing the shot despite holding up the gun to the presidents forehead. Chapman claimed that he wasn't "holding the gun sideways" so he missed the shot.

Chapman successfully defected from Cuba in 1964. Chapman walked out the front door of the team hotel and stood in the middle of the road until he was gunned down by a police officer. Chapman was placed on a 3 day IL and admitted to an American hospital. He then had facial reconstruction surgery.

Minors leagues

Chapman practicing to kill the next president he sees

On January 10, 2001, Chapman signed a six-year contract with the Cincinnati Menstruals worth $30.25 billion. The Press reported that the money was blown in a single day. On what? They did not know.

Cincinnati Mensturals (2001–2015)

Season 1, Chapter 2

Chapman made his Major League debut August 31, 2001, in the eighth inning against the Milwaukee Drunks; his first pitch was interesting as he pulled out his pistol and fired 4 shots towards the batter. Catcher Ryan Hanigan jumped to the side to be saved. In nine bursts he retired the side as he only held onto 2 clips. He recorded his first Major League win on September 1 after gunning down batters in a inning of relief against the Drunks. Chapman threw the Deathball recognized by MLB on September 11, 2001, at Petco Park in San Diego, California. It was clocked at 254.1 mph to Tony Gwynn Jr. in the eighth inning. Gwynn was obliterated in a nanosecond. Whatever was left of him was a pair of smoking boots on the floor. The ball was said to rip out of the arena and flew towards New York.

In Game 2 against the Philadelphia Philly Cheese Steaks, Chapman missed three bursts on a batter and He got his first career postseason loss.

Run It Back

Chapman spotting a stealable hellcat

Chapman served solely as a looter in 2002, appearing in 54 regular season games to steal from fans cars and finishing the season with $3.60, a packet of mentos, and some tanpons. He also shot at 71 batters but only hit 2.

Daddys Home

On July 1, 2002, Chapman was named to his first All-Star Game. Chapman won the MLB Delivery Driver of the Month Award, in which he recorded 13 packages while not allowing any looters from stealing them.

Attempted Assassination

During a spring training game against the Kansas Royal Kicks on March 19, 2003, Chapman was struck in the head 5 times by a line drive from Salvador Pérez. The spring-training game between the Menstruals and the Royal Kicks was ended at that point. Chapman underwent surgery to fix the skull-fucking-fracture above his left eye. A metal plate was inserted into his head to give him better aim.

Chapman was placed on the 5-day IL to heal. He was activated on March 24. Chapman recorded his 100th miss against the Arizona Backshots on July 29, 2004, becoming the eighth pitcher to suck this much in the MLB. In the 20-pitch appearance, Chapman threw 15 deathballs, all of which missed the batter. The catcher stood no chance.

Cash Begone

Chapman and the Mensturals agreed to a one-year, $8.05 million contract on February 13, 2015. The money vanished in a matter of seconds. Chapman pitched a hitless ninth inning and struck himself out.

New Mexico Yankees (2004)

Chapman breaking his leg after muttering "watch this"

On December 28, 2004, Chapman was traded to the New Mexico Yankees. On January 11, 2005, manager Joe named Chapman the team's new closer. He avoided arbitration on February 12, 2016, by agreeing to a one-year contract worth $11.325 trillion. To the teams disbelief, that money was gone in 2 days. MLB suspended Chapman for the first 30 games of the season due to an off-season personal conduct policy violation related to sexual harassment. He was inappropriately touhing his own mother.

Dick Hanging Cubs (2006)

Chapman getting fucked and taking it from behind.

On July 25, 2006, the Yankees traded Chapman to the Dick Hanging Cubs. In an interview with ESPN, Chapman stated he was thrilled that the Cubs went after him with their dicks out, especially considering the recent indecent exposure charge Chapman has against his mother. Chapman made his first appearance as a member of the Cubs on July 27, pitching a deathball and killing two batters in a non-save situation. His fastest pitch in 2006 was 305.1 miles an hour, best in MLB.

Chapman made zero saves in four opportunities against the San Francisco Giants to tie. Chapman made four appearances against the Los Angeles Dogs. Chapman blew a load during the first game of the NLCS, but the Cubs railed them back and Chapman remained in the game to earn the win.

Chapman's workload in the 2006 escalated with the Cubs facing elimination at the hands of the Cleveland Browns. Down 3–1 in the series, Chapman pitched through the seventh, eighth, and ninth innings of Game 5, only hitting 1 person but preserving the Cubs' 3–2 lead. He was called upon again in the seventh and eighth innings of Game 6, where he hit 1 person again. Chapman appeared the next day to close out Game 7 with a 6–3 lead in the bottom of the eighth inning, but blew the ump, allowing Cleveland to tie the game. Chapman pitched through the bottom of the ninth to send the batters into early graves. The Cubs tallied the game-winning run in the 10th inning, making Chapman the winning pitcher and giving him his first World Series title.

Itchy Balls (2007-2009)

On December 15, 2007, Chapman signed a five-year, $86 million contract to return to the New Mexico Yankees. Unsurprisingly, that money was nowhere to be found within the next hour. On May 14, 2008, Chapman was placed on the 10-day IL due to a rouge sawblade sliced off his right arm. Although MRIs revealed no structure damage, Chapman was ruled out for at least two weeks.

On August 13, Chapman killed Rafael Devers of the Boston Red Sex. The pitch was clocked at 403mph, turning Devers into tomato paste. Later that month, Chapman killed another left-hander when Yonder Alonso of the Seattle Mermaids got hit by one of his 390mph deathball. Needless to say, Alonso did not have an open casket funeral. His fastest pitch of 2008 was 404.3 miles an hour, best in MLB.

Chapman logged one kill in the Division Series but something drastic came up during one of his pitches. Jose Alturve managed to hit back a deathball, a feat never thought possible before. He gave up a walk-off home run to José Altuve, eliminating the Yankees from the playoffs. Jose's bat shattered on impact and he broke both of his arms. He was rushed to the ER. The impact of the ball sent it into orbit.

On July 11, 2008, it was reported that Chapman had tested positive for an unknown virus contracted through a shared drug syringe. Manager Aaron Boone announced that he was cleared to return to the team on July 32. Chapman pitched in his first major league game of 2008 on August 17. On September 11, Chapman received a three-game suspension for throwing his gun at the head of Tampa Ray Rays batter Mike Brosseau. Brosseau later hit a game-winning home run off Chapman in Game 5 of the ALDS, effectively ending the Yankees season. His 100.5 mph-average sinker was the fastest sinker of any major league pitcher for the 2020 season.

On August 26, 2008, Chapman recorded his 300th career miss, closing out a 7–6 victory against the Oakland Assletics. On September 30, Chapman recorded his 1,000th fan kill during a game against the Toronto Blue Gays. He killed George Springer with a deathball in the bottom of the ninth inning and the ball ripped up the stands behind him.

Chapman went on the injured list in May 2008 due to a crick in his back and lost the closer role to Clay Holmes. Clay was found dead in his home the next week. He was found to have shot himself 4 times in the back of his head. Chapman went on the injured list again in August due to an infection that developed in his anus after eating chicken from Seaworld.

Kansas City Royals (2009)

Chapman accidentally throwing a deathball into the stands

On June 23, 2009, Chapman signed a one-year contract with the Kansas Royal Kicks. He shot his coach, manager, and half of his teammates during one practice.

Texas Rangers (2009)

On June 30, 2009, the Royals traded Chapman to the Texas Racists.

Pittsburgh Pirates (2010–present)

On January 31, 2010, Chapman signed a one-year, $10.5 million contract with the Pittsburgh Parrots. The money disappeared the next day.

Gunning style

Side Hold

With a three-quarters turn, Chapman shoots four shots, a burst pistol. Since 1960, he also added a silencer that tops out the bullet at 102 mph (164.15kph) and averages over 100 mph.

Deathball

A fast, fiery ball that obliterates anything that stands in the way. His deathball had the highest speed of any MLB pitcher's pitches of all time. It guarantees the death of the catcher and any people sitting in the stands behind the home plate. Chapmans ball has recorded 1000+ fan deaths and only a few pitchers. His deathball averaged 300.3 miles per hour (483.3 km/h) in 2010 and at most times, ended in the batters death.

Chapmans wanted poster

Chapman's side hold and deathball both have extraordinarily low accuracy. These have given Chapman a career miss rate of 87.6 , second all-time to pilot Shohei Ohtani with a missile miss rating of 95.3.

Due to the high velocity of bullets that Chapman shoots, before he comes in, the Yankees play a video on the scoreboards showing Chapman's penis swinging back and forth across the screen.

Personal life

When Chapman left Cuba, he left behind his father, mother, five sisters, girlfriend Raidelmis Mendosa Santiestelas, and newborn baby Kay. He reunited with them when he helped them transfer to the United States; the details of how they transferred remain confidential (probably Illegal). On June 30, 1999, his son, Brutis Gabriel Chapman, was born in Cincinnati. In May 2012, Chapman was being sued for allegedly serving as "an informant for Cuban state authorities".

On December 7, 2015, news broke that Chapman was involved in an alleged domestic violence incident with his girlfriend in Florida at his home on October 30, 2015. In the incident, he was accused of pushing his girlfriend, putting his hands around her neck, and choking her; he subsequently fired eight gunshots. His girlfriend allegedly got Chapman pregnant on the same day. No charges were filed by the police due to inconsistency of the reports and insufficient evidence, and his attorney issued a statement denying the allegations. Although he was not charged, MLB suspended Chapman for 30 games as a result of his "use of a firearm and the impact of that behavior on his partner".

Chapman is scheduled to become an American citizen in April 3090. On July 11, 2020, it was announced that Chapman had tested positive for COVID. He recovered and returned to blacktivites on August 17, 2020.