Nick Castellanos
Nicholas Alexander Castellanos is an American MLB shitter responsible for numerous terrorist attacks. If you are looking for the Cuban politician by the same name and think you are lost, keep reading cuz its the same guy.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Niggaless Castellanos was born on March 4, 1992. This was REALLY the same day the person who created Goofy died. Castellanos was raised in south florida, but is of Cuban descent. This is because he's that one politican from Cuba. Nick spent alot of time practicing his balls alongside Florida dipshits Machado and Hosmer. Before he went on to solve mysteries in the MLB, Castellanos was actually trash at basbeall. Machado and Hosmer ended up dropping Nick because he kept throwing balls at random fans. Castellanos thought he had no chance slapping balls, until he visited New York City on September 11, 2001.
The young Nick watched 2 planes ram into the Minnesota Twins Towers, and all the chaos that ensued afterwards. Experts cannot confirm whether the planes crashed because Nick was there, or the planes crashing turned Nick into the GOAT. Either way, the terrorist act that ensued brought Castellanos the power he needed to be a slapdick ball dawg. When asked for his perspective of the attacks, Nick told reporters that the pilot was definitely wearing an MLB jersey.
Eye of the Tiger[edit | edit source]
Down to the Wire[edit | edit source]
Prior to the 2010 MLB draft, Nick committed to the University of Miami for unlimited beer and latinas. Most teams respected Nick's choice and let him be, but not the Detroit Tiggers. They were in desperate need of hitters after many of their players ran away from their kids. Well well well. Castellanos was eventually pryed away from his mexican baddies after the Tiggers offered him the mystery machine. However, Detroits general manager Ishowspeed lagged when sending the confirmation email to MLB. The commissioner of baseball, Robert Manlover, received the email three minutes late and therefore denied the Tiggers from stealing Nick from his booze & bitches. Thankfully for Ishowspeed, he also sent a text to another official, Bailey FN, about the signing that was received at 11:59. This convinced Robert Manlover to let Detroit have Nick. The text message reads...
"Why so nervous Bailey? I promise I can take care of u. In fact, I just got this faggot from Miami in exchange for a van. I can get u whatever u want to. Call me xoxo."
A minor loss[edit | edit source]
Castellanos REALLY hit his first professional home run the same day Osama Bin Laden was killed. Nick had to pay his respects afterward, as without his part in 9/11 Castellanos wouldn't be where he is. Unfortunately, he got captured in Iraq and was held as a prisoner of war for 4 years.
Upon returning to America, the Detroit Tiggers told Nick they had no space for his fat ass on the team. They already had giant fatty's Miggy Cabz and Prince Aladdin on the team, and they were signed through the end of time. Nick was determined to become black, so he took reps to become an outfielder so he could ROB and STEAL home runs. He became so cracked that he was considered to be a future shitter in the making. In the 2012 future shitters game, Castellanos REALLY won future shitter MVP the same day a bomb blast in Afghanistan killed 6 NATO troops and 30 bystanders.
Dressed to kill...[edit | edit source]
On September the 1st of the month, Castellanos joined Detroit as a left-his-family fielder. Castellanos didn't get consistent playing time due to the fatasses blocking him, but he was able to get his first hit on September 7th off Danny Devito. This REALLY was the same day 14 Syrian rebels were killed in Damascus. One could say thats what the point of damascus...
After the 2013 season, Prince Aladdin went mysteriously missing and was never seen again. This allowed Miggy Cabz to move his dumptruck to 1st boob and Castellanos returned to being a third wheel. Nick enjoyed his break from being a thug, and on April 9th 2014 Nick hit his first career home run. This REALLY happened the same day 25 civilians in Syria died in car bombings. Syria just ain't it I guess.
Nick finished his first full season as a criminal with a 259 tweaked out of his mind rate, whatever the fuck that means. His eleventy home runs and 666 RBI's led the Mexican Leagues. Nick's only problem was that his defense was ass, and he didn't catch a single baseball. His teammate at the time, Max Scherzer, was on his way out Detroit because he couldn't handle the watermelons. Before he left, Nick just told him "Watch out for Daniel." Scherzer, confused, told him to end it all.
Scooby Dooby Doo, Where are You?[edit | edit source]
Castellanos spent the first half of 2015 solving mysteries with the Scooby Gang. He was involved with very famous cases including the 1st arrest of Julio Urias. However, Nick was fired from the team due to the "Joe Goldberg" incident. While most details cannot be shared, what we do know is that Daphne didn't let him hit because of it.
Locking In.[edit | edit source]
Bro didn't need pre workout for the 2015 MLB season, as he domestically abused his first grand slam on July 22nd 2015. Nothing actually happened this day, all his bad energy came from fumbling Daphne. Nick began spending time with the only other non-roasted person, JD (Juicy Dicks) Martinez, my uncle. The pair combined for 666 home runs, but were caught saying "Pinche Negro" numerous times. After getting cockpunched by Manny Machado in last years playoffs, Nick was ready to get back at it again in 2015. However, Detroit couldn't let their "indigenous workers" get more revenue so they opted out of the playoffs every year from then on. Nick let the word slip.
Castellanos began to embrace his inner-hoodlum and popped off in 2016, hitting 18 straight chlamydia cases. His season was cut short when he got hit with Zeus's mythic lightning and was placed on the 2 month IL. While on the IL, Castellanos and his buddy JD, my uncle, ranked the girls from their high school. Nick managed to return for the final week of games versus the Cleveland Neels just so that he could shatter their Android phones.
Nick was forced back to Detroit at gunpoint, and was given $3M to avoid being fed to the hounds. On July 18 2017, Castellanos made history by hitting 2 crapshots against the Kansas City Royal shitz. Unfortunately for Castellanos, the bad act to balance the universe was JD Martinez getting traded to the University of Phoenix. Nick sobbed, knowing it was over for Chrid's uncle. Castellanos would go on to finish the season still failing to catch his first ball on defense.
Black mailed[edit | edit source]
In 2018, Castellanos was forced to stay in Detroit again after they threated to send him to the University of Phoenix like his pal. This time he was given $6M to avoid being fed to the turtles. On August 13, Castellanos had his first 5 jerk game and was the first Tigger to do it since Ian Kidlover. This was REALLY the same day a Ugandan politician was captured and tortured. It was 2018, so he probably didn't support Ugandan Knuckles or something. Although his bugle was getting better, Nick's defense was eroding at a terrible rate. When asked about it, Castellanos reportedly said "I miss her so much..."
In 2019, Castellanos was forced to stay in Detroit for the 3rd straight year, now putting him under house arrest with blackmail from the Goldberg Incident. He was given $10M to avoid being fed to Oggy and the Cockroaches. However, like a true Detroit Tigger, he was ready to break out of his prison. On July 31st, Castellanos filled Tiggers stadium with chicken and waffles, distracting every player as he made his escape. Nick eventually found himself in Chicago, and sent a selfie there to Neel Savgur with the caption "Guess where I am fucker!"
BACK IN CHICAGO[edit | edit source]
Now that Nick was in a less dangerous environment, he had the best month of his career. Castellanos raised his tweaked out of mind rate to 348, which made him the all time leader, not counting anyone who OD'd. Nick played alongside the famous Dick Hanging trio of Anthony NoRizz, Mr Bryant, and Javy "love at first sight" Baez. He also played with Kyle Schwarbomb, and the two combined for a historic zero baseballs caught. The duo would play together again with the Philadelphia Pillows, where they would be recruited by Bryce Harper for... events not listed in our database. Castellanos ended the year with a Major League Record 58 marriages divorced (He was going through it this year). Nick even earned the nickname "Nicky Two Fags" as the last marriage he divorced was between 2 homos.
Although he had a great year with Chicago, Castellanos had no chance of returning as the dick hangers noticed he went flacid. Nick sadly received the call he didn't want to hear, "put your pants on."
Embrace the Chaos[edit | edit source]
Pandemic Success[edit | edit source]
After COVID-19 took the world by storm, the Cincinnati Menstruals believed Castellanos would pop off and signed him to a 4 year ovary cycle. However, he would have access to a tampon after the 2nd year. This actually didn't work because Nick saw the pandemic as a good thing; he got to stay home and play League of Legends instead of not being a degenerate. A poor 1st season with Cincinnati was overshadowed by the most iconic moment of Castellanos career.
On August 19, 2020, during the opening game of a doubleheader in Kauffman Stadium, Reds broadcaster Thom Brennaman was apologizing for a homophobic slur he uttered on a hot mic earlier in the broadcast. Mid-apology, Castellanos hit a home run, and Brennaman broke from his apology to deliver the play-by-play. Brennaman said, "I pride myself and think of myself as a man of faith, as there's a drive into deep left field by Castellanos, it will be a home run. And so that'll make it a 4–0 ballgame............I don't know if I'm gunna put on this headset again."
For better context, the announcer called San Francisco the "Fag Capitol of the World" and was cancelled. Unfortunately for him, Jarren Duran wasn't president yet.
Over Ovulating[edit | edit source]
In 2021,the Cincinnati Menstruals got off their period and locked in. This was mostly from Castellanos who popped off for the best season of his career. Nick hit 34 cases of public intoxication ran over exactly 100 kids. Nick worked his magic again after REALLY hitting a home run in the middle of the announcers trying to honor a fallen veteran. This solidified his first trip to the all sex game, where he had loads of sex. Nick was kicked out of the game after he got into an argument with Fernando Titties Jr. Titties kept arguing Scooby Doo wasn't a superhero, while Castellanos kept arguing Motorcycles aren't fleshlights.
Castellanos continued popping off in 2021, especially after his boi Javy's arch nemesis Amir got removed from the team. His season peaked on September 11, when he REALLY hit a JET of a Home Run that BLEW UP the crowd into SCREAMS as loud as those in 2001. However, the FBI tracked Nick down and were ready to arrest him for the Goldberg incident. Castellanos had to take his tampon and run, as the Menstruals got DOMINATED by Omni Man and his St Louis Viltrumites.
Castellanos was eventually subdued by the dommy mommies, and was transferred to a maximum security prison in San Bernardino. Nick tried to bond with his cellmate, Reese McGuire, but he was a little distracted. After taking 8 inches from the back, Castellanos was bailed out by Bryce Harper and taken to Philadelphia for "something big" On the plane ride there, Nick gained infinite aura points when he watched the news and saw, "Hall of Famer Max Scherzer gets BODIED by rookie Daniel Camarena!" He's not a psychic btw, idk how he fucking did that.
Pillow Fight[edit | edit source]
Shitting all over the place[edit | edit source]
Nick Castellanos arrived in Pillowdelphia alongside his occasional sidepiece Kyle Schwarbomb, and the two were joyous. Sadly, Harper had to move their seats in pre-game meetings because they talked too much. Because Nick was so atrocious at defense, the Pillows promised him he could be the designated shitter and not have to play defense. Schwarbomb still had to take his shits on the field though.
In Early May, Bryce Harper tried the 1st batch of the Blonde Baristas newest recipe, and his elbow snapped in half. This forced Castellanos out of the designated shitter role and he now needed to shit on the field. Throughout his 5 months with the Pillows, Castellanos still failed to catch a single ball and cost the team 8000000000 runs. Thankfully, Ukraine was getting invaded so Nick had good offensive numbers. Philadelphia managed to sneak into the playoffs thanks to Ben coming.
Throughout the 2022 playoffs, Bryce Harper needed constant check ups for how hard he was CARRYING these dipshits. It was as if someone was telling him "Pop off or you will be fed to a radioactive doom machine." Castellanos was still mid in the playoffs, and still hadn't caught a baseball. Even Schwarbomb at this point had squeezed a few balls between his cheeks. After touching the Padres, the pillows left for Houston where Bryce Harper went missing. Due to the lack of testosterone, the pillows looked like they were about to lose against the Asstros when the game winning hit flew towards Castellanos. However, the impossible happened...
Although the Pillows got raped for a week straight after this, Castellanos returned a national hero and was given the platinum cock award. When asked what terrible act sparked his incredible catch, Nick responded "She's dating Fred..."
War isn't Over[edit | edit source]
After adding Trea Turner, the brother of Megan Turner, the Pillows became a powerhouse in the league on their way to a NLCS loss to the Arizona Dickbags. Castellanos popped off after the Titanic submarine imploded, leading him to his 2nd career all sex game. For the 2nd straight time, he was kicked out for arguing with a player, this time Wander Franco. Wander kept arguing Scooby Doo wasn't a superhero, while Castellanos kept arguing Children aren't fleshlights.
Nick made some postseason history against the Atlanta Boobs while REALLY in the height of the Israel Palestine war. Castellanos became the first player to beat up 2 boobs, 2 times, while 2 times as high. It looked like Nick would continue his success against the Arizona Dickbags, but in October 2023 ELS Club got its first and only member. A truly amazing event that made Nick go flacid.
In 2024, Castellanos's bad timing became more precise than ever before. He REALLY shit on the Padres 30 minutes after Hall of Fame legend Willie Mays passed away. He REALLY destroyed a home run out of the stadium when Trump got shot. He REALLY hit a home run when the original announcer from 2020 returned to broadcasting. Even the day this article is being written, September 1st 2024, Castellanos won the game for the Pillows because he knew his article was gunna be shit.
Post Credits Scene[edit | edit source]
Nick Castellanos, Shaggy, and Scooby Doo get dropped off in front Joe Goldbergs layer, prepared to capture him and get him groomed. Before the trio enter the layer, they each take a hit of fent-laced Scooby Snaks. The mystery gang barely makes it down the stairs before they start tripping balls and forget why they are there. They spent the next five hours drafting a Fantasy "Literally Me" draft, and Ryan Gosling was taken 1st overall. Suddenly they heard a scream nearby and went to go check it out. They came across Goldberg's murder cage, and there was a black girl inside. Nick was still completely out of it, and told the others "Black is my Lucky Color" before going in the cage and using his ult. An Insta kill.
After using "DIE DIE DIE," Castellanos realized he locked himself inside the cage and couldn't get out. Before Shaggy could open the cage, Scooby heard Joe begin coming down the stairs and shit all over the couch. Shaggy and Scooby ran away leaving Nick stuck in the cage. Joe Goldberg came back to see his victim dead and Castellanos acting autistic in the cage. This allowed Joe to get away, and Nick wasn't found until 6 hours later when Daphne found him putting a finger up his ass...