Samuel (MLB)
Samuel is an entity that resides on earth with one purpose, destroy the MLB and conquer the world. With his control over the Watch This power, will anyone be able to stop him?
Arizona Arc[edit | edit source]
Dawn of the Heroes[edit | edit source]
With Christopher Martinez absolutely simping in the background, the Blonde Barista began brewing her brand new coffee named “Super Ultra Pogger Coffee Extreme.” Because of this dope ass name, all the Phoenix residents came sprinting to the Black Rock Cafe and began slurping like there was no tomorrow. After a majority of the town had some coffee, the barista said out loud “Watch This!” People's heads began to explode like in The Boys, and utter chaos ensued.
This national crisis quickly caught the attention of president Paulo Rivera, who knew he needed to do something fast. Instead of calling the military or special forces, he instead turned towards the San Diego Fathers and their shitty baseball skills. He begged them to go to Phoenix and get to the bottom of this, and in return he would personally void the contract of Xander Boogers. The team set out immediately…
Main Quest[edit | edit source]
In the blockbuster trade made by President Paulo Rivera, Arizona received Fernando Titties Jr, Manny Machado, Ha Seong Kim, and Xander Boogers. However, this would end up being a three-team trade as the New Mexico Yankees sent over avocado legend Juan Soto to Arizona as well. Before the 5 dawgs set out, they were given strict instructions by the President. Don’t break the one rule.
After having group sex in the travel bus, the boys arrived at Phoenix, Arizona. Since they averaged a 1.9% in geography, the only place they were familiar with was Diamond Back-shots stadium. They had Ha Seong DRIVE them to the stadium, but Machado kept complaining that he wanted to sit in the front seat. Machado started fighting Titties in the front seat, and the group had to pull over and settle things down. However, because nobody was in the car, some shitter came and stole it from them. After only 30 minutes in Arizona, they already broke the one fucking rule. After walking the remaining 890 miles, the squad arrived to Dickbag Stadium. They encountered thousands of people in hysteria, not knowing what was safe to drink. Ha Seong Kim tripped and fell on top of a headless body, where he started screaming because he was getting an erection. Machado managed to clear the stadium after threatening to shoot up the place, and they went to go find a familiar pal.
The Dad's managed to find their old friend Evan Pham inside the womens restroom, and started to touch his chest until he started punching them. Pham explained that Watch This blood was being spread to everybody, but he refused to give them any more details. However, after Juan Soto pulled out a box of cheddar penguins, Pham relapsed and told them about the Blonde Barista. The only issue is she has 2 potential locations, one in the main city and one inside the University of Phoenix. Right after telling them this, Evan Pham beat the shit out of them all and said he just wants violence to ensue. He proceeded to leave the stadium so he could go retake his AP lang final.
The crew decided that it would be best for them to split up and check both locations. Titties and Machado would go investigate the University, while the losers would go to downtown Phoenix. Soto sent his 2 friends off with Guacamole armor, in case they got approached by ninjas (iykyk).
Interlude 1[edit | edit source]
Inside of the San Bernardino penitentiary, Tampa Ray Rays player, Wander Franco sits inside his cell. Edging to himself thinking about all the 14 year olds hes missing out on. Inside his head, he knows there is a children’s park located at least 2 miles away from the prison. Hearing the laughter of the children, he finally gets the courage to whip it out. His size almost rivaling drake’s, he swings around his anaconda sized penis to smash the walls of the prison. What happened next is unknown but 2 guards had forced surgeries on their anal cavity and Wander Franco was last seen sitting on top of the play structure, singing ring around a rosie while swinging it around over the kids...
De-Caffeinated[edit | edit source]
Number One Education Center[edit | edit source]
Titties and Machado had a life talk on their way to the University, as they discussed the fate of their fallen friend Daniel Camarena. They also had a 4 hour long debate on whether Ana de Armas was a 9 or a 10. The life talk ended when Titties wanted to start rating motorcycles. They got to the University of Phoenix, and immediately noticed that every student there was walking very robotically. They noticed the only thing they could talk about was how affordable and accredited the university was. The searched around the very bizarre college until they found the café, but upon entering it they were shocked by what they found.
Titties and Machado investigated the batches of coffee left behind, and noticed one labeled "Watch This Cure." Titties stored that specific brew in his cybernetic storage compartment, while Manny began smashing the other coffee's to pieces. As they walked to the exit, they stopped abruptly when they saw a tiny little snail in front of the door. The two screamed in terror as they tried finding another way out. Machado began bashing the wall with his bat to create an opening, but suddenly Titties yelled something went up his ass. In a true act of heroism, Manny reached his arm up Fernando's anus and pulled the snail out of his rectum, narrowly saving him from death. Machado, fueled with rage, launched the snail all the way to Eastlake where it then fused with a certain kid Kai wouldn't rape...
The duo tried calling their buds downtown, but none of them answered. Rather than assume they might be in danger, Titties and Machado ignored it and had a 2nd life talk inside the university. This time they discussed for 6 hours whether Mr Burress was an S or an A tier teacher. They ended the life talk early when Titties started saying how he jerked off in a voice call...
Ohhh... I just died in your arms tonight![edit | edit source]
Kim drove Xander and Soto to downtown Phoenix after leaving dickbag stadium, and this time they made sure one person stayed inside the car at all times. Once they arrived at the Coffee Shop, they began searching for the Barista. Ha Seong was the first to run into her, but before he could even process what was happening, he fell into her arms. Soto found her moments later, and he too fell in love at the first sight of the minimum wage worker. Boogers never saw her, instead the Barista just hit him with a frying pan because hes black. She tied up the 3 dads and forced them to watch brainrot until her batch of coffee was finished cooking.
On their way to downtown Phoenix, Titties and Machado had a 3rd life talk. They got in a 9 hour argument about who the better lang teacher was, Hughes or De La Parra, the sister of Trea Turner. They ended the life talk when Titties started talking about the time he got freaky with a dog in Vietnam. When they pulled up to the coffee shop, they spotted their bois subdued and began thinking of a plan to free them. Titties started pulling up her social media, and believed that if he could hack into her accounts that she could be stopped. The Barista spotted them, and began shooting burning coffee at the duo. Machado went to distract her while Titties used his cybernetic enhancements to hack into her Tik Tok.
Machado had to use all his willpower to not fall in love, and he even started beating himself to keep focused. The barista began drinking invisibility coffee, and Manny started getting cock punched from every direction. She then used a FREAKY coffee and that is when Manny started screaming for help. Titties finally broke into the Baristas social media accounts, and deleted every single one of them. Suddenly, the Barista lost all her powers and she began to fade away. Her last words were "I will see you soon Eric..." It is rumored that in the afterlife, Hosmer raped an angel just so he could go to hell and get away from his ex wife.
Titties had some "fun" with his teammates before freeing them, and he began putting the Watch This cure into the water pipes to reverse the effects on the city. While they thought they're job was done, they received a call from President Paulo saying "I need you at Houston! Now!" Manny turned on the local news and saw that red lightning was beginning to erupt from Asstros stadium...
Oman Arc[edit | edit source]
Khatibit[edit | edit source]
After being relegated to Oman following their horseshit 2023 playoffs, the Doggers spent their days living without water. Former superstar Mookie Betts and former shitter Chris Taylor had now been hired by the Oman government, tasked with simply protecting the GOAT OIL from somebody named "Samuel." However on Sundays, Chris Taylor goes to church and prays on the downfall of Chrid Martinez. On a zesty winter day, the dodgers received visitors from the USA. The visitors were Trea Turner, the brother of Megan Turner, and Megan Turner, the sister of Trea Turner. Trea managed to gaslight the duo that he was still on their team, and he asked to be taken away from the GOAT Oil.
While Trea went to distract the dawgs, Kyle Schwarbomb and Nick Castellanos began stealing GOAT Oil and shipping it to the US. They were instructed to do one-day amazon shipping, but wouldn't be reimbursed for the fees. Everything was going well until Homelander arrived, who was stationed in Oman for some reason. After telling them to "jump" he began attacking the pillows. The duo had no defense, so they got kinda clapped. However, they were saved by Nolan Arenado who now had flight and super strength and a red super suit. Nolan destroyed Homelander, and he performed a fatality on him where he fondled his balls.
With Homelander getting touched, the entire Oman military came charging after the trio. Nolan fought a single guard before getting a crick in his neck, and he was forced to retreat. Castellanos got cornered by Oman assassins, but before we was killed he saw a woman getting raped in the far distance. This gave him enough power to fight back and make his escape. Kyle Schwarbomb dropped a "nuke" in the nearest toilet, but unfortunately he wasn't able to escape the blast radius. Schwarbomb was forever nicknamed "Oppenheimer" after his sacrifice.
After the catastrophes happening around them, Mookie and Chrissy realised that the Turner twins were working for Samuel. Suddenly, Megan touched her pen tip to Trea's "pen" tip. The two transformed into the Wonder twins and began FUCKING the dodgers. Mookie attempted to give Trea unbelievable head, but he couldn't penetrate the metal condom he was wearing. Trea then ripped Mookie buttplug necklace off, making him cry.
Common Enemy[edit | edit source]
Megan chased Chris Taylor through the streets of Oman, trying to take away his sources for synthesis. Taylor was eventually subdued after falling into a destroyed UFO structure with "SAMUEL" carved into the side. Taylor was forced to read an essay by Paulo Rivera, which made his eyes start to melt. Megan gave Taylor a chance to say his final words, which he used to pray on Chrid's downfall for the last time. Megan recognized Chrid as the shitter who came to her class without a pass and sat on her couch. Taylor proceeded to write a 1-4-1, detailing why Megan should join them so that they can one day kill Chrid themselves. Megan Turner decided to drop the Turner name, and go by Megan De La Parra instead because it sounded fancier as she officially joined the shitters. Just before Trea could put his finger up Mookie's hole, Megan hit him with a plane.
Trea Turner, formally the brother of Megan Turner, stares with betrayal at his sister Megan De La Parra, formerly Megan Turner. He cannot believe that Megan Turner, sister of Trea Turner, would give up the family name so easily. Turner, the now brother of De La Parra, attempts to snipe his sister with a smooth af Baseball. However De La Parra, sister of Trea Turner, manages to counter it by hitting a home run with a golf club. De La Parra then claps Turner by discussing his lack of complexity, however Trea is able to pull out his rebuttal paragraph just in time.
Turner utilizes his blazing speed by creating the first ever tornado in MLB history, and shoots it right towards Megan De La Parra, the sister of Trea Turner. When all hope seemed lost, Mrs Hughes Mrs Collier and Mrs Dick fell from the skies and along with Megan gave the tornado a 0-0-0. The tornado, having no thesis, was forced to retreat. Turner, brother of De La Parra, was absolutely baffled, and began getting assaulted with cupcakes. With Trea covered in creams, Megan De La Parra ended her brother's career by snapping him like a twig.
After losing the Oil, Betts Taylor and Megan set out to Houston to recover it. At this point, the whole city was covered in a deep red fog...
Interlude 2[edit | edit source]
After beating their wives together, Marcell Ozuna and Aroldis Chapman needed to go to the nearest hospital. Chapman got a severe handcramp from touching his moms boobs, so the two set off. Upon arrival at the hospital, Ozuna investigated and found his old teammate Giancarlo Stanton hooked up to a radiation cell. Stanton had a tube taped to his penis, and Watch This blood was being sucked from it. Ozuna BEAT the cell open, and tried sneaking his 8'10 friend out of the hospital. Although he explained to the doctors that he was "Ozuna, from the Braves," they wouldn't let him leave. Instead, Chapman had to initiate the 2nd Cuban Missile Crisis as they ran out with Giancarlo...
Homeland Defense[edit | edit source]
Fellas in Houston[edit | edit source]
After spending 6 months living homeless on the streets, the Asstros players decided they had enough. Daddy Jose, Yordong, and Josh Hater set out to fight back for their stadium. Their first stop was to get reinforcements. Josh Hater found LJ Hoes reboot card, and found the nearest reboot van to bring him back. LJ Hoes set an MLB record by becoming the first player in history to be revived twice. With enough players to do a game of Squads, the Asstros began their infiltration of Asstros stadium.
Jose, only being 1ft tall, was able to crawl through the cracks of the stadium and make his way inside. The stadium looked completely different now, as it had Left Twix wrappers all over the floor. Besides the many tubes with Watch This blood running through it, Jose also noticed the large photo of Wander Franco that had an X crossed into his face. Jose tried getting his teammates inside, but he wasn't heavy enough to activate the automatic door. He instead opted for a backup plan, and found one of the teams totally legal Trash cans from 2017. He banged it so loud that the automatic door shattered and the bois came in.
The asstros couldn't fight their temptations, and decided to play hide & seek in the stadium. Yordong counted to 2 million while the other 3 hid. While finding a place to hide, Hater and Hoes stumble upon a hot dog stand. After eating hot dogs the long way, the duo got jumped by Jeremy Penis and his high tech dick. LJ Hoes attempted to fight off Penis, but he got it from the back instead. Hoes got POUNDED and died after 2 laser enhanced backshots. After seeing his friend die again, Hater let out the longest N word heard in history. Hater tried throwing balls at Penis, but his cyber dick was able to deflect them all. After channeling all his energy, Hater was able to generate his first fireball and he shot it right at Penis's Penis. The cyber dick began melting away as Penis screamed in pain. Hater tried to escape after this, but Jumbo Titties Realmuto caught him in a human-sized glove. Daddy Jose had gotten stepped on, and Yordong had not even reached 400 yet...
Zone Wars[edit | edit source]
Bryce Harper stood watching over the prisoners he had taken. This included Josh Hater, Blake Snell, and Reese McGuire who was violently jerking off in his cell. Harper was currently discord calling with Jung Hoo Lee, arch nemesis of Ha Seong Kim and supreme leader of North Korea. Harper was discussing plans to take over the world, but his call was cancelled by Samuel. Harper asked him if he wanted to play catch, but Samuel just said "Die kid."
Harper was forced to resume testing of the Watch This blood/GOAT Oil combination, which made it possible for him to have Watch This powers without side effects. The power he was exerting was making the stadium shoot lightning, as he was slowly becoming the greatest baseball player in history. Suddenly, Blake Snell broke out of his cell with blue fireballs and started attacking everyone in the room. He screamed "I DIDN'T GET IRON MAN BECAUSE OF YOU!" and started lighting the entire laboratory on fire. Hater tried breaking his cell to escape, but Reese just kept rubbing one out. Samuel couldn't let his lair burn down, so he teleported Harper and Snell to La Mejor Isla Scrims. Samuel was unable to stop Hater from escaping, but he was glad Reese was still there touching his pp.
Harper got fucked by the rng, being given a green gatekeeper while Snell was given a purple frenzy auto. Still, Harper was given a sniper and believed he might have a chance. Snell immediately burned down all the structures around the map, and started searching for Harper. Harper lined up the perfect shot with his sniper, and landed a headshot that dealt 199 damage. Harper was infuriated on how bad snipers were, and Snell was given ample time to heal up. Snell immediately pushed and spammed his compact for successmg, which gave him guarenteed admission into SDSU as long as he maintained a 3.3 GPA. Harper used his Watch This powers and started to tank some of the shots, but he was slowly being worn down. With almost no hope, Harper finally realized he had a small purple bottle in his pocket. He began running from Snell until the storm circle reached its final stage. At that moment, Harper sprinted into the storm, dodged Snell's fireballs, and threw down his Storm Flip. Snell knew he was cooked, and just screamed at Harper "SLAPDICK GAMER" before he died from storm sickness.
Harper made his way back towards Houston, but when he arrived the stadium had been completely decimated. He was unaware he just missed the greatest war in MLB history...
Pillow-Warfare[edit | edit source]
The 5 dads, the Oman squadron, the remaining pillows, the criminals, and Evan Pham all arrived at Asstros stadium at the same time. Now having the original Watch This power from Giancarlo Stanton, the shitters believed they had a chance to stop Samuel and Bryce from doing naughty things. However, it wouldn't be easy with terrorists and a super-villain in their way...
The War.[edit | edit source]
Urias charged the wife of Ozuna, landing 8 straight uppercuts before she tumbled to the ground. Ozuna was able to knock out Urias's wife in just one Bear-Sized punch. With the two now in a standoff, Urias prepared to throw a FREAKY baseball to Ozuna. Ozuna knew he couldn't hit Urias's testicle on his own, so he went for a hail mary. He shouted WATCH THIS before hitting the ball straight through Julios face. Ozuna celebrated wildly, until he got the most devastating kidney stone known to man. He would later need surgery that involved getting his gallbladder removed through his penis.
Titties and Boogers began to fight Evan Pham, who was "prepared to fuck somebody up." At this point, Titties was running low on fuel and was starting to shut down. In his final moments, Titties pulled out the rearview mirror crammed up his ass and hit Pham with it. Unfourtantly, Boogaerts sucks ass because the first punch he landed shattered his own hand. Pham proceeded to break the bro code on him. Suddenly, a stripper from a nearby strip club picked up a piece of shattered glass and stabbed Pham in the back with it. It was later revealed that the stripper was hired to be there by a "YEZKID"
Jumbo Titties Realmuto was absolutly destroying Chris and Mookie in a 1v2, because they were too focused on his jumbo titties. Megan De La Parra was unable to help, because she was busy posting boob pics to her students. Mookie soon realized how washed his blowjob skills, as he was unable to get his mouth on JT's shlong. Realmuto grabbed a long piece of corn nearby and stuffed it up Mookies hole. Taylor was starting to lose his mind, not only cuz he was getting clapped, but because Chrid was getting rizzy. Luckily, Aroldis Chapman clutched up and started playing with JT's titties. Realmuto couldn't counter Chapman, and this gave Taylor the perfect chance to push him off Asstros stadium.
Ha Seong Kim stared into the eyes of his old friend Jung Hoo Lee, who we previously saw lock Kim Jong Un in the dungeon. Kim pulled out his blue lightsaber while Lee pulled out his red one, and the proceeded to get into the coolest Star Wars battle ever seen. Kim could not keep up with Lee's zestyness, so he tried to DRIVE away and get to safety. Unfourtantly, Lee ordered 500 North Korean fighter jets to chase after Kim, and eventually Kim got hit with a boogie bomb. Lee and Kim had another lightsaber fight at a nearby volanco, but Kim managed to get the high ground. If you ever watched Episode III, you know what happens...
Nick Castellanos had his airpods in and he was blasting 9/11 audio clips into his ear. This gave him 10x the usual power, and he seemed impossible to take down. After Stanton apologized to Josh Hater for hitting him with cyanide, the 2 teamed up to fight Castellanos. Stanton started bashing him with his penis, but whenever Castellanos got injured it just made him stronger. Hater knew what to do to stop Castellanos, but he hated it. He called the KKK, and convinced them to stop being racist in front of Castellanos. This truly GOOD act completely weakened Castellanos, and it gave Stanton the opportunity to launch Castellanos all the way to Tokyo where he got swarmed by Persona characters.
Machado stared at his arch-rival Nolan Arenado, who has since become Omni Man. Manny was fueled with rage because of how many times Nolan stole Elizabeth Olsen from him. He tried to fight Nolan the normal way, but he couldn't keep up and he got launched into a rock across the country. After Nolan said "THINK MANNY THINK," Machado had no choice but to drink a sample of compound V. Manny was given the superpowers of invisibility, time stop, and mind control. Although everybody found out what kind of man he is, Machado still fought Nolan until they reached the one town from Wanda Vision. They ran into Elizabeth Olsen, and she said would for Manny, and wouldn't for Nolan. Nolan flew up into space, stared into the sun, and was never seen again...
With all the goons taken care of, the shitters knew they had to get inside the stadium. In a heroic sacrifice, Giancarlo Stanton mutters “watch this” into the ball he is holding. As he crumbles to ash, he hands the ball over to Chapman who prepares his arm for the most devastating deathball he has ever thrown. The deathball creates a massive crater in the ground and completely destroys the Asstros stadium, revealing the underground bunker where Samuel hides...
Interlude 3[edit | edit source]
Wander Franco managed to avoid the entire war up above, as he snuck into Asstro stadium through the childrens play-place. Franco walked past Reese Mcguire, who accidently killed himself by ripping his penis off. Wander went deeper into Samuel's lair, and saw him standing over a machine that looked just a tad dangerous. Samuel turned and stared in fright at Wander. "Are you ready for round 2?" Wander said to Samuel, but unfortunately for Franco, Samuel had expired. Wander's penis turned to stone after coming into contact with an adult, and Samuel prepared to inflict the revenge he had waited 1000 years to give Wander. Suddenly, Shohei Ohtani spawned into the lair and punched Samuel in the face. Samuel retaliated and accidently pushed Ohtani into the machine before Shohei got lost in time. The time radiation Ohtani brought with him began to overload the machine, and Samuel tried his best to stop it from going off. Wander took the opportunity to escape, and he began leading all the children in Houston to safety. It is said he took them to "Wander Island"
Apex Legend.[edit | edit source]
Manny, Soto, Chrissy Taylor, Kim, Hater, and Aroldis walked into Asstros stadium. The entire stadium had red lightning running through it, and structures were collapsing all around. As they began walking down into the lair, the door shut right in front of Manny and Soto. Bryce Harper returned and wanted revenge on Manny for beating up, and revenge on Soto for shitting on his couch. The other 4 explored Samuel's lair, while the 2 shitters fought the son of Samuel...
We are the Flash.[edit | edit source]
The 4 kids downstairs investigated the machine in front of them, which had dark matter and red lightning flowing through it. They were unaware that Samuel was beginning to mind control them. Josh Hater's racist thoughts began to take over, and he pushed Aroldis Chapman into the machine. Chapman turned to ash like Mrs Sacket. Thinking Hater was betraying them, Kim and Chrissy pushed Josh into the machine and he also turned to dust. Samuel's magic got to Taylor though, as he began confusing Kim for Chrid Martjnez. Taylor pushed Kim into the machine and he also turned into dust.
With only Chris Taylor remaining, Samuel popped out and they had a life talk. Samuel dropped his lore and explained that he wanted every MLB player to die because he's a hater. He built the particle accelerator machine after watching the first 3 seasons of the Flash, but he didn't watch the rest because they are dogshit. After revealing all his info, Taylor just said "No one asked." Samuel proceeded to throw him into the machine and he turned to dust. The accelerator was nearly about to bust.
Worlds Edge[edit | edit source]
Soto prepared himself and Manny for their confrontation with Bryce. Soto pulled out an entire arsenal of guacamole weaponry. This included avocado turrets, nukes, armors, and dildos. He gave Manny a custom made Guacamole gauntlets, and he put on his guacamole jacket for the final time. Harper was a tough opponent, as his passive ability was health regeneration. He immediately used his Tactical and surrounded himself with red lightning fences that blocked all projectiles. Soto immediately countered with an Avocado EMP, and Manny rushed in with an avocado gravity lift. Harper destroyed Machado out of the sky and he got knocked. Even worse, Harper upgraded his evo shield from purple to red. The floor beneath them began to crack, and Manny fell into the pits of Houston...
Soto became desperate and was forced to use his ultimate. He OPENED UP THE SKIES with an avocado air strike, and Harper had to run and find cover. Soto wasn't done yet tho, and prepared an avocado totem to go search for Bryce. Soto found him, and unleashed a guacamole gas bomb on Harper. However, Bryce BAMBOOZLED him and shredded Soto's jacket into pieces. Soto cried uncontrollably, but as Harper was about to claim his victory, he saw the particle accelerator start to explode. Samuel was already flying away, so Harper began sprinting out of Houston as fast as he could. Knowing he had no time to escape, Soto sat in silence eating his final avocado...
Samuel watched from the skies as the particle accelerator exploded, evaporating the entire US. He laughs knowing he has succeeded in destroying the MLB, at least he thinks...
Post Credits Scene[edit | edit source]
In the trenches of Tijuana Mexico, some shitter walks out of the hospital. He has not seen sunlight for 900 days...