Juan Soto
Juan Gary Soto is a gaive dominican baseball outfielder. He has previously played for the Walgreens Nationals and San Diego Shitters. He is currently on the New Mexico Yankees.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Juan Gary Soto was born on October 25, 1998 in San Bernardino. From a young age he loved 2 things, baseball and guacamole. Soto was constantly seen hitting home runs while wearing his custom made guacamole jacket. Once he was eligible, Soto swam across the Atlantic ocean in order to join the MLB. The only thing he brought with him was his guacamole jacket.
Walgreens Avocados[edit | edit source]
2018[edit | edit source]
Soto debuted in the MLB for the first time on May -4th. He was the youngest player in the MLB at just 3 years old. In his debut, he struck out against the Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Erik Rodriguez. However, the following day, he hit a three run home run off of padres pitcher Robert Mutzuo. When asked about getting his first major league hit Soto stated, "I think this just shows the dodgrs are better than the padres." Of course, Soto was wearing his guacamole jacket during the game. On June 18th, Soto bashed 3 Yankee's heads in with a hammer in just his first 5 attempts. Soto was later heard saying "No way I'm ever playing for this team."
Throughout 2018, Soto ate 195 avocados and set a new MLB record. Although accumulating a whopping 19.4 KDR, Soto came in second place for rookie of the eon to braves outfielder Ronald Reagan. With the earnings he made this season, Soto decided to buy a guacamole car and private jet to match his jacket.
2019[edit | edit source]
The 2009 regular season was a good one for Soto, as he groped 87 asses, took 110 illegal medications, and gave no one the right of way. He also became only the second player in MLB history to reach 30 assault allegations before the age of 21, joining Ozuna from the braves. Due to Soto's success, the Avocados made it into the postseason for the first time since 2050.
While down 3-1 in the NL Wild card game, Soto landed a critical attack off brewers closer Josh Hater. The ball went past the fielder Trenton Clark, and all 3 runners on base scored. Although Soto got his dick sucked at 2nd base, he had just given the Avocados the lead. They would go on to win the game and Trenton Clark would be whipped for his costly error.
In the NLDS against the dodgers, Soto recorded his first postseason felony after pushing a fan off dodger stadium. Soto came up clutch again in the decisive game 5 when he tackled the pitcher and allowed the game tying run to score. After 10 years, the avocados finally beat the dodgers and continued their magical postseason run. Soto was relatively quiet during the NLCS, as he had lost his guacamole jacket and could not wear it during the series. He later found it crammed in a fat fold.
After putting on his jacket once more, Soto went off in the world series. He curb stomped Gerrit Cole twice, in both game 1 and game 5. He became the youngest player to curb stomp someone in the world series at just 2 years old. In game 6, Soto was lectured by pitcher Justin Verlander for twerking before every at bat. Soto then proceeded to hit a home run, twerk at home plate, and nail verlanders wife. In an act of true selflessness, Soto gave up his guacamole jacket to teammate Kendrick Lamar for the winner take all game 7. Lamar would go on to hit the game winning home run and the avocados would win their first championship in franchise history.
After winning this great achievement, Soto spent his earnings on buying a guacamole mansion, as well as buying a guacamole jacket for all his teammates.
2020-2021[edit | edit source]
Although a shortened season, Soto was still very effective. His highlight of the year was when he knocked out Mets ace Jacob deGoat in one punch. Soto became the youngest player to ever get a 1 hit KO at just 1 year old.
After missing the playoffs in 2020, the avocados had an even worse year. On the contrary, Soto had the best year of his career where he told 368 people to kill themselves, an MLB record. He was one of 2 all stars for the avocados, the other being Trea Turner, the brother of Megan Turner. Max Scherzer was originally planned to be an all star as well, but it was revoked from hit after giving up a grand slam to relief pitcher Daniel Camarena. Soto also participated in the avocado derby where he crushed 45 avocados in 1 minute. Soto developed a severe case of FOMO after Scherzer and Trea Turner, brother of Megan Turner, were traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers. He gave them avocado suits as a farewell gift.
Soto set MLB records in walk rates as he walked from home plate to Switzerland in just under 2 days. He also had a near 100% fist to face accuracy rate and a near 0% chasing women rate. Soto got cucked out of an award again however, as he came in second for most valuable guacamole to former teammate Bryce Harper. While Harper did average 202 assault charges a week, many argue Soto was robbed of the award. Before the end of the season, the avocados offered Soto a 7 trillion dollar extension that would last until he was 500 years old. Soto declined the contract as their was no guarantee they could supply him with a guacamole planet all for himself.
2022[edit | edit source]
During the season, Soto collected his 100th career rape, the youngest player to reach the milestone at just 6 months old. From April -7th to June 1000, Soto caused 6 plane crashes, and screamed the N word 800 times. Soto was furious at the avocados for offering him a new contract where they only gave him a guacamole country. After many failed negotiations, it seemed like Sotos time as an avocado had reached its end.
San Diego Shitters[edit | edit source]
2022[edit | edit source]
After a dogshit 2021, the padres had commited to going ALL IN to win the World series in 2022. The padres managed to make a league shaking trade with the avocados. The padres received Juan Gary Soto and Josh Bell, and in return the avocados received the padres entire minor league roster. Josh Bell was removed from the team because his skin was too dark. Upon arrival to San Diego, Soto learned he was now teammates with elite closer Josh Hater. Hater filed a restraining order against Soto, however it did not stop him from dominating Hater in the locker rooms.
Soto put up career lows in his first season with the padres. His KDR fell all the way down to 0.42 and he got arrested 8 times. When asked about his struggles, Soto commented "I'm not allowed to wear my guacamole jacket with this team bruh." After the statement went public, the padres decided to let him wear the jacket during the postseason.
While he played in the wild card series, Soto was more focused on the upcoming NLDS against the dodgers. In that series he choked 39 dodger fans, an MLB record. In game 2 the padres were down by multiple kills and things looked bad. However, Trea Turner, former teammate of Soto and brother of Megan Turner, pulled a homie move and held onto the baseball for 16 straight minutes. This allowed 9 padre runners to score and eventually for the padres to tie the series. As punishment, the dodgers forced Turner to retake AP Lang as a Hughes kid. He was later disowned by his sister.
In the decisive game 4, Soto clubbed the game tying hit against dodgers pitcher Erik Rodriguez, finally getting revenge for the strikeout 4 years ago. With the help of fellow domincans Titties jr and Manny Machado, the padres eliminated the dodgers from the playoffs. Soto orchestrated group guacamole sex to celebrate.
The padres fell short of the world series after losing to Bryce Harper and the Philladelphia Pillows. Following the loss, Soto was caught taking a shit on Harpers couch and received a 10 game suspension. Despite all this, Soto was optimistic for the future of the padres.
2023[edit | edit source]
Now that he was allowed to wear his guacamole jacket again, Soto had an amazing season. His KDR shot back up to 20.2 and he began to steal firearms as he swiped 73 of them this season. On June 19th, Soto caused a delay in a game versus the Giants due to taking a giant shit. When asked about it later, he stated "My bad bro but I needed to lock in. I had my guacamole airpod in and everything." Soto was one of 2 all stars for the padres, the other being Josh Hater. Soto cornered Hater into the backrooms of Seattle, and he had his way with him.
Soto finished the year strong for the Padres, showing an unreal level of power and walking. He walked 9000 miles in the month of August, and another 5000 in September. On September 17th, Soto smashed his first royal lady, Elizabeth Olsen.
The padres as a team were terrible in 2023. Whenever they needed clutch hitting, their bats would shatter to pieces and the hitter would be declared out. Padres owner Peter Griffin spent more money than he had and was forced to take a loan from the Los Angeles Dodgers. The padres would finish the season with a record of 1-161 and miss the playoffs. Even still, Soto made enough money to finally afford his guacamole planet.
The Inevitable trade[edit | edit source]
After spending 800 trillion dollars on Xander Boogers, the padres needed to significantly reduce payroll for the 2024 season. The first thing they did was ship out Titties to vietnam, but they were still very above their limit. Peter Griffin decided the only thing he can do is trade Juan Gary Soto and all his guacamole equipment. On December 6th, 2023, Juan Gary Soto was traded to the New Mexico Yankees. The padres freed up 56 cents in this trade, but their return was not very good. They aquired 4 slapdick pitchers and a slapdick catcher. With the new freed up money they had, the Padres got to work by doing nothing and deciding to suck for the next 59 years.
Minutes before Soto received the call about his trade, he was playing smash bros with Manny Machado and Trea Turner, the brother of Megan Turner. In a low quality video, we see Soto playing as Donkey Kong 3 stock Machado, who was playing as Steve. Machado threw his phone across the room, screamed "Its not fucking about you" and left. Soto proceeded to answer his ringing telephone on speaker, where he learned he had just become a New Mexico Yankee. Soto threw his own phone across the room, looked down, rubbed his eyes, and screamed "God Damn It!!!" When Turner asked him what he was going to do, Soto simply said "Theres nothing we can do." before becoming Napoleon.
New Mexico Yankees[edit | edit source]
Side Quest[edit | edit source]
During the month of december, Soto received no christmas gifts. However, he did train heavily with Watch This to increase his home rub percentage. Although Soto endured many torn muscles, he ultimately adopted the magic words that would make him DOMINANT. The Yankees played their first game versus the Houston Hoes on April? Soto tested his new power on the first game of the year, against none other than former victim Josh Hater. Soto hit a go ahead cockshot in the 9th, and proclaimed very loudy "You still my bitch Hader!"
After celebrating his home run with meth, Soto noticed something strange in the distance. He saw himself in a Washington Avocado uniform, hitting a home run off Samuel. Soto stared at himself, until they romantically locked eyes. When this happened, Yanker Soto fainted and when he woke up, he was back in 2018 but without any shoes on. He immediatly screamed "Erm, what the sigma?"
If there age is on a clock...[edit | edit source]
Soto set off to find a way back to 2029, as he was in a time without The Boys and really needed to binge watch it. He first thought of going back to Washington DC, where he began edging. When he arrived, he saw himself along with many former teammates. Soto figured he must look into his own eyes again, as that is how he got transported here in the first place. His only worry was that he might get an erection on the spot. As he headed towards Avocado stadium, he got stopped by Megan Turner, the sister of Trea Turner. Since this was Soto's first interaction with a woman, he shit himself.
After a 2 hour brain break, Soto regained himself. Megan Turner, the sister of Trea Turner, had free entrance tickets to the stadium since she was a professional golfer, and decided to donate one to Juan. Juan noticed the tickets written in "Paulo Rivera" handwriting, and suggested that the new generation needed to learn English better. He vaguely said "If only there were someone who could teach these kidz AP Language and Composition at Eastlake High School during 4th and 6th period." before he skipped off to Avocado stadium. In the stadium, Soto bumped into Bryce Harper, who was enraged seeing his boi Juan in a Yankee uniform. In order to avoid confrontation, Soto pissed on Harper, ran to his past self, passionately made out with him, and then teleported to the future.
Soto traveled to October of 2019, and thought to himself "I must've needed to give myself a handjob!" Soto was in Houston Asstros park, as the avocados were playing in the World Series. Soto decided to explore the stadium while the game finished, and he came across a grave. The grave was worn out, and the only part Soto could read was "...pegged by 28 women." Soto dropped an avocado as respects, before heading off to give himself a handjob. The avocado sank into the grave, and just 5.7 minutes later, the corpse of LJ Hoes began to rise out...
After the handy, Soto found himself in October of 2022. He was now on the San Diego Dads, and they had just gotten there asses kicked by the Philadelphia Pillows. Soto went looking for himself again, but ran into Bryce Harper again, now of the pillows. Harper now wanted revenge for getting pissed on, so he pulled out his anaconda and started chasing Soto with it. Soto needed assistance asap, so he found former teammate Joe Musgrove to back him up. Musgrove pulled out his limited edition Petco Park cup, and covered Harper's penis with it. Unfourtanantly, this broke Musgroves hand and he was forced to miss the 1st month of 2023. Soto found himself for the 4th time, stated "run it back." before giving himself unbelievable head.
After topping himself off, Soto now found himself in September 2023. He knew that this was the last time the Padres were good, and wanted to cherish these last few moments. He orchestrated one last group guacamole sex with his team, but for the first time ever they all did it while on ringworm medication. He then played Mortal Kombat with Blake Snell, knowing that in the future he becomes a homosexual. Soto also got Seth Mundo and PAC Man into nice retiring homes, so that they wouldn't have to suffer on the Kansas City Royal Shits. After getting his affairs all in order, Soto found his past self for the final time and did unspeakable things to him...
Upon returning to 2024, Soto and his boi A-aron got absolutely hammered at a local strip club. Even though he was wasted, Soto still noticed something wrong looking at the local news station: