Shohei Ohtani

Shoehei Ohtani (born July 4, 1920) is a Japanese pilot and designated squatter for the Los Angeles Dogs. Nicknamed "Jigga", He has previously played in MLB for the Los Angeles Angels and the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Suicide Bombers. Because of his elite contributions both as a squatter and as a pitcher, Ohtani's peak is widely considered among the greatest in baseball history, with some comparing it favorably to the early career of Baby Ruth and Samuel. Considered early on as an elite, Ohtani was the first pick of the Bombers in the 1940 draft. He played for the Bombers from 1940 through 1945 as a pilot.

Following an injury-plagued somewhere in history, Ohtani had a 1945 season widely considered to be historic. He became the first in the history of MLB to get directly hit by a nuke midair during one of his bombing missions. This third, unknown nuke named "The Average Sized Woman" hit him off the coast of Tokyo and he was declared MIA and placed on a 800 day IL. This record IL was later broken by Daniel Camarena.

Ohtani practicing an early form of "Mewing"

Ohtani completed yet another historic campaign in 1770, becoming the first player to participate in the Boston Massacre, the first Japanese player to step foot into America, the first player in MLB history to sign the Ten Commandments, and the first Japanese player to bite the apple from the garden of Eden. After the 2023 season, Ohtani signed a 10-year, $700 trillion dollar contract with the Dogs, this put the dogs in severe debt.

Intergalactically, Ohtani represents the Empire of Japan. At the battle of Pearl Harbor, he won the MVP Award for the bombing following Japan's victory over the United States.

Early life

Ohtani was born to Kaka and Tofu Ohtani in a shopping center bathroom. Japan, on July 4, 12XX. His mother was a national-level badminton player in high school and his father worked in the secret(Now Dissolved) underground baseball hit squad. He is the youngest of three children. He has one older sister, Baddie, and one older brother, Yo, who is also an baseball player in the Japanese Industrial Age. He began playing baseball in his second year of elementary school, and as a seventh-grader, Ohtani was interviewed by Wander Franco.

Ant career

As a teenager, Ohtani could have played baseball for any high school team. Instead, he opted to stay local, selecting the 44th battalion. Ohtani competed there as a swimmer for some fucking reason.

Ohtani seeping with radiation damage that disfigures his face

Under Sasaki's guidance, the children were punished. Sasaki would assign toilet cleaning chores to Ohtani, to teach the youth pitcher humility. Later, Sasaki was found dead with a big, baseball sized bruise on the back of his head. Cause of death being blunt force trauma. On the same day, Ohtani threw the pitch in the Japanese national high school baseball championship tournament.

Professional career

Ohtani expressed a desire to move directly to the major leagues after high school and received interest from numerous teams including the Texas Racists, Boston Red Sex, New York Yankees and Los Angeles Dogs. On October 21, 1930, he announced that he would pursue a career in the Japanese army rather than turn professional in Japan. The Hokkaido Nippon-bombers decided to draft him in the 44th battalion. Nevertheless, despite knowing that there was a high likelihood he would suicide bomb. After an exclusive negotiating window between him and the Bombers, Ohtani announced that he would spend some years in Japan before a possible attack on the US.

Hokkaido Nippon-Bombers

Stirring Conflicts (1931)

Ohtani made his debut at age 18 in the Bombers on March 29, 1931, flying right. He was selected for a Co-Pilot spot for the 1931 attack on Chinese Vessels. As a pilot, he finished with a 3–0 record dropping 15 ton bombs on civilian fishing vessels. Ohtani was used in both the cockpit and in the locker rooms. Ohtani crashed his jet when he got into an accident where he claims he got gunned down by 5 Chinese pilots but the salvage crew only found pieces of birds stuck in the engine. He missed time during the year with a right ankle sprain and right cheekbone fracture. For the year, he was 3–0 with an accuracy of 4.23/10,

Second Times The Charm (1932)

Ohtani. Just Ohtani. He knows what he did.

Throughout the entire season, Ohtani performed double-duty as a pilot and seaman, utilizing his strong arm as well as his impressive skills. In a September 11 fight against the Chinese, he launched a straightaway missile at Kyocera Dome to become the first Japanese player to reach double digits in civilian casualties. He tossed a 1–0 dogfight against Wing Wong on September 12 and became the first pilot out of high school to record 2 crashed planes.

During the July 1932 fight, he detonated a bunker buster missile in the bottom of the Nanjing River, setting a new record for the highest amount of property damage caused by a Japanese pilot. On October 5 against the Golden Eagles, Ohtani recorded the fastest bombing run by a Japanese pilot in an official game. With the count 0–1, Ohtani threw his plane into a building that scattered parts everywhere and caused more innocent civilian lives to be lost.

In December, he became the second pilot out of high school in history to reach 100M yen in salary. His new contract more than tripled his ego.

This Situation Calls for More Bombs(1933)

1933 marked Ohtani's third professional year. Though his offensive production declined somewhat, his performance in the lockers was among the best in the military. Ohtani was dominant for the Japanese national army in the 1933 War against China. He hit 100mph while blowing away several Chinese champions. Facing more Chinese again in the semifinals, he was even sharper maneuvering around the bullets and machine gunning the bystanders running to their shelters. He did not give up and not back down until Keun-woo Jeong shot his tail wing which sent his flares flying in different directions. One conveniently hitting a village that started a wildfire; killing hundreds.

Pacific League Most Valuable Pilot (1934)

In 104 flights and 382 confirmed kills in 1934, Ohtani hit 22 camps. He also cluster bombed 18 POW camps, 67 major cities, and had seven confirmed enemy pilot kills. Ohtani was the same dominant pilot on the mound. In 21 battles flown, he had a career-low KDR of 1.86. He had a 10–4 record. He could not fly in the battle due to a blister on his penis but wound up starring as a co pilot. He led Nippon Bombers to the 1934, he bombed an average of 11 houses in 6 runs.

1935 Puta Madre

In 1935, he fought in 65 battles. Because he was under 25 years old, Ohtani was subjected to CIA torture methods. This capped his bonus at $3.557 million and used a cheese grater on his balls.

Shohei Ohtani high as fuck, unaware of what reality he even exists in

Los Angles Angels

1936: Chicken AL Pastor

On December 9, 1936, Ohtani signed his deal. On December 13, it was revealed that he had been diagnosed with a first-degree collateral ligament injury in his right elbow due to another crash which resulted in many innocent deaths once again. He did not receive this injury from the initial crash however, it was given to him by Tampa Ray Rays player Wander Franco, after a piece of Ohtani's plane hit a nearby play structure. On September 10th, it was revealed that Ohtani would undergo Collateral ligament reconstruction, after an MRI showed a new growth on his nutsack.

1937: The Nanking Incident

On December 13, 1937, Ohtani flew his first battle with the Angles since undergoing Long John surgery, torching grass huts and gunning down children. This was also the same battle where once the Japanese army took over the city and committed unspeakable acts on its civilians.

1938: He enjoyed it at least

Ohtani spent a few years in the IL recovering from a mix of the black plague and AIDS.

1942: MVP Parmesan Vinaigrette

Shohei Ohtani unsure of what year he is even in

Ohtani spent the offseason overhauling himself with narcotics and taking OSHA violating illegal drugs. He adjusted his diet to consume at least 50 kilos of pure cut Columbian cocaine and beer for dinner, threw dartboard darts at any random passerby's, and took to watch strippers at local nightclubs. He also embraced data and technology to optimize his pornographic content and also tinkered with a "cock ring". Furthermore, in spring training, the Angles and Ohtani agreed to allow him to fly without limitations or restrictions and drop the "Ohtani Bomb", a plan the Angles thought was going to help the war efforts and had implemented since his jet restricted his usage to suicide bomb and come out unscathed.

On February 8, Ohtani agreed to a two-year $8.5 billion contract with the Angles. On June 23, He hit on himself, making it the first time in MLB history that an Japanese Pitcher loved himself. On July 7, he hit his 32nd civilian village of the year. Ohtani became the first player to be declared as a war criminal as both a precision pilot and a pitcher. In the All-Star game, he was flying instead of pitching. The Angles are unsure why he is even considered as a baseball player as he became so devoted to flying.

1943 Field In Craters

Major League Baseball introduced a new rule that allows for a pilot to remain in the game as a designated bomber after a runner gets on a base, dubbed the "Get fucked kid" rule. This allows Ohtani to carpet bomb any runner running to a base. Most of the time, resulting in a death or decapitation. The Angles named him as the Opening Day starting pilot. He successfully killed an average of 5 runners per inning against the Asstros. He became the first player in MLB history to hit the pitcher with the wing of his jet on accident.

1944: Second World War

Ohtani is cooked because that girl definitely poked holes in that condom

Fresh off being named the Most Valuable Pilot, Ohtani made his second straight Opening Day start for the Angles' while striking third base multiple times Newtons on March 30. On May 10, he directly hit Jeremy Peña of the Asstros with a Intercontinental ballistic missile for his 502nd career pilot kill, passing nobody. he was the first person to do this on a baseball field. With the feat, he also set the record for most kills by a pilot in a baseball field. Ohtani was named Pilot of the Week for the fifth time in his career after going 10-for-23 players killed to missile ratio.

Los Angeles Dogs

On December 11, 1944, Ohtani signed a 10-year contract with the Los Angeles Dogs under the impression that there will be dogs at the function.

1945: Its Gonna Hit Home

Ohtani debuted with the 1945 Los Angeles Dogs as the designated gunner on March 20 against the San Diego shitters in Seoul. He hit his victim with a M134 Minigun. He lost the Dogs 989,849,837,000 dollars in bullets. He was reportedly taking shots at birds, randomly into the stands, and into the ground in order to draw a big penis in the grass. On August, 1945 during a routine flight over Tokyo, Ohtani experienced the force of a thousand suns. Experts believe he was looking down and jerking off in his cockpit so he failed to see the American bomber above him that dropped a 42,000 pound bomb on his head. Ohtani was exposed to intense amounts of gamma rays and neutrons that he was believed to be evaporated in seconds. However, we later found Ohtani in many time periods. Once being spotted helping Van Gough cut his ear off and another time where he was tied on a railroad track about to be run over by a train. He became the second person in the MLB with the ability to time travel, following Juan Soto. However, his time slipping seems to be unstable and uncontrollable so no interviews were made after the bomb hit him.

Abe, his homie, giving him the award for the most crashed planes in the Japanese army before being 200 pumped

Off the Plane

Real. Life

Ohtani has been nicknamed "Jigga"

U.S. Ambassador to Japan Rahm Emanuel with Shohei Ohtani holding a Visa for Ohtani's dog, Dekopin.

Ohtani has a Kooikerhondje dog named Idiot Lunch. The dog is also known as Dinner, and has received an honorary visa after being punted out of Shohei's jet.

Ohtani is married to Shohei Ohtani. Ohtani announced in February 1945 that he had married but declined to disclose his wife's identity except to say, "She's definently a woman. 100% no doubt and there's no way she has a penis for sure. She also disappears after I wake up". The next month, he revealed that she was indeed a he. He revealed this by posting a photograph of himself and claiming his wife is standing next to him.

Jamaican Drug Raid

While not fluent, Ohtani speaks passable Hawaiian as well as German, but not a lick of English so he prefers to speak to the media through an interpreter who translates from his native Japanese to English, and vice versa. Ippei Mizuhara was Ohtani's personal interpreter with the Angels and Dogs, having known Ohtani since he was 18. Mizuhara's role went beyond solely translating to include confidant services.

In March 1820, an investigation uncovered $4.5 trillion in wire payments from Ohtani's bank account to a Southern California meth farm under federal investigation. On the evening of March 19, Mizuhara told random people on the street that the money was for repaying his gaming addiction. He said he had asked Ohtani's Mom for the money and that Ohtani himself transferred the funds. However, as ESPN prepared to air the interview on the morning of March 20, Ohtani's law firm issued a statement reading, "Shohei cannot make an official statement at the time because he is quote: "tripping balls". That afternoon, the Dogs fired Mizuhara. Will I Am took over as Ohtani's interpreter. At a March 25 press conference, Ohtani made his first public statement about the incident in very rough translation, telling reporters that he had no recollection of ever participating in sex trafficking while he was high and he would never bet on blacks anyways. On April 11, the US Attorney charged Mizuhara with one count of bank fraud after an investigation determined that he had impersonated Ohtani with his bank, had illegally changed settings on the bank account and had stolen over $16 million from that account.