Shane Bieber

Shane Robert Bieber (born March 31, 1995) is a Canadian singer. Regarded as a prominent figure in contemporary popular music, he rose to fame in the late 2000s after being discovered on YouTube by Scooter Braun, and his debut extended play, My World (2009), was met with international recognition and established him as a teen idol.

A REAL jersey Bieber wore.

Wait a second...

Depressions Beach

Born in Orange County, CA, Bieber was very familiar with the big boobies off the I-5 freeway. He attended Laguna Hills high school, and played baseball while not not edging. College scouts were impressed with his mid-800s fastball and his command of the team in the locker rooms. However, he was offered no scholarships as most colleges believed he couldn't perform accurate titrations. This resulted in Bieber ending up settling for a UC institution. You would assume he chose UCI as many of his friends were going there and he could bring his car right? No, he chose UCSB.

and just to clarify, UC Santa Barbara, not the highly prestigious UC San Bernardino.

Intervarsity Faith Club

In his first year of college ball, Bieber made his presence known with Barbara (a girl he met at a party not the school). Thanks to the encouragement of big bro and lil bro, Bieber set a remarkably low walk rate of 1.54 walks per 9 finals failed.

Despite the loss of big bro, Bieber excelled even further in his sophomore season after learning to shoot bows and arrows. He remained above average at not going on walks, but also increased his strikeouts dramatically. He figured out that rubbing skunk spray on the ball makes it spin way better, but it also kills any chance of getting a date. This didn't matter as he already bagged a wife at friendsgiving, even though no one else could see her.

In his final year before dropping out of school, Bieber became a demon on and on the field. Bieber had one of the best games of his career vs UC Irvine where he went a full 9 innings with 10 strikeouts. Shane cried controllably after this game, saying he missed Oman.

Thanks to his heroics, UCSB reached the college world series against the Oklahoma City Thunder. Bieber threw an 8 inning gem with 6K's, but his team was blackout drunk and they lost 1-0. Bieber was unable to pitch the rest of the series as he had to carry 2 asian hello kitty girls who didn't speak english in a lab presentation. Shane was offered a trip with them and 26 other hello kitty girls to Houston, but he decided to not go as he realized he was lowkey into dudes.

Denials Beach

Bieber was drafted by the Cleveland Saudi Arabians in the 40th round of the 2016 draft. He was swiftly sent overseas and lost an eye. After playing 27 years with the Sniffing Valley Scratchers, Bieber did well in 2017 with the Eastlake Captains, Lycnhing Hillcats, and the Rubber Ducks. Literally a team named the Rubber Ducks. In one of his final minor league starts in 2018, Bieber threw a shortened 7 inning no hitter against the Gwen Stacys after she fell of the tower.

The Big Leagues are Calling

Bieber rubs skunk spray on more baseballs.

The Cleveland Mediterranean's called up Shane to make his major league debut on his birthday. As additional presents, the team gave him a tv and a fuck ton of craisins. His first game was against the Minnesota Triplets at Target Field (the garage of a local Target store). Bieber pitched 5.67 innings in his debut and gave up 4 runs, but the Puerto Ricans beat the Triplets 9-8 anyway. Bieber finished his rookie year with an 11-5 record, but a mid 4.55 ERA. Shane was degloved.

Bieber became even more goated in 2019, going 7-3 in Russian roulette. Bieber was invited to the all sex game at Cleveland Stadium that year and had loads of sex. In the 5th inning, Bieber had sex with all 3 Kpop Demon Hunters leading to him winning all sex MVP. His dih went up, up, up...

Shane finished 4th place for the Cy Old pitcher award and struck out 260 batters. Unfortunately, the Minnesota Triplets became the Minnesota Dectuplets and hit 10 times as many home runs, leaving the Cleveland Brazlians out of the postseason.

We ALL loved COVID-19

With an overpopulation of peoples, Cleveland lost many pitchers to COVID-1919 and so Shane was named opening day victim. However, Bieber made Patrick Mahomes his victim instead with a 14K performance to destroy Kansas City. One week later, Bieber made his rival team into the Minnesota Only Child's after racking up another 13 K's. This tied Karl Marx's record for most communist books written.

Over the course of August, Bieber had double digit strikeouts in 5 of his 6 starts; the only start where he didn't was that one time he tried gummies with Addison Rae. With his 8000 strikeouts in 5 innings, Bieber was making MLB history. After reaching his 1 millionth strikeout in just 6 innings, Bieber broke Max Scherzer's record for fastest to 1 strikeout in a season. When asked about his record, Bieber said

"I mean thats cool, but if only I could hit a grand slam off that guy like Daniel could. He's the real goat."

At seasons end, Bieber became one of the only pitchers in history to win a triple crown. Shane led all pitchers in the 3 key stats, Mario Kart wins & leg days skipped & YouTube policy strikes. Bieber this time anonymously won the AL Cy Old award for best pitcher, while known amazing human Trevor Bauer won the NL version. However, since the season was short we don't really know how much these awards actually count so they are still regarded as bums.

Bieber was set to start his first career playoff game after having one of the best seasons in MLB history. However, the lights turned out to be too bright as Shane got his asshole put into a casket by the New York Yankees, leading to the Cleveland Filipinos getting wiped in 2 games.

Wingstop every week

Despite celebrating with teammates, Shane can't stop wondering what taking dih must feel like.

Bieber was the opening day Hungarian for Cleveland in 2021 and continued to ball out. On June 14, Bieber was placed on the 15 year IL for a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious strain, but he was still invited to the all sex game per request of Rumi. She accidently went full demon mode though, and Shane was transferred to the 60 year IL afterwards. Despite returning in early june to go camping, Cleveland was long gone from being good so Shane lowkey went home and slept #Niche.

In 2022, the Cleveland team officially rebranded from the Indians to the Guardians claiming "We don't wanna be associated with people who can't get hired at AMC." Bieber had a full healthy season and was elite again, winning the gold cock award for fondling balls quite nicely. Back in the playoffs, Bieber dominated the Tampa Ray Rays in order to preserve age appropriate relationships. His only mistake came to Jose Siri, who hawk tuahed all over a baseball.

In game 2 of the divisional round vs the Yankees, Bieber once again withered away facing Giancarlo Stanton. As soon as he heard the words "Watch this." get muttered, Shane knew that ball he threw was getting launched into outer space. While ending up being a close series, Stanton ended Clevelands season with another watch this bomb in game 5. Bieber was sad, but he felt a little better when he saw both of Stanton's ACLs tear after the home run.

In 2023, Bieber and the rest of the Guardians of the Galaxy were lowkey ahh. Bieber once again struggled with injuries, specifically with his leftside canine tooth, his 5th down rib, and his giant penis. In 2024, Shane returned ready to rumble and was elite for 2 games to start the year. In the middle of game 3 though, he felt a crick in his elbow. Moments later, his arm shattered into a million pieces.

Angers Beach

Mark Carney

Bieber hit free agency for the first time before 2025, but he learned fairly quickly teams don't like signing pitchers that are missing an arm. Shane returned to Cleveland, not only because they gave him a 1.5 year contract, but also because he left one of his airpods there on accident and didn't want to make another stop. Until August 22nd, Shane did fuck nothing but goon with 1 arm.

On July 31st 2025, Bieber was traded to the Toronto Bleu Gays for 1 phone call with Steven. Shane still had one more month without an arm, so he began to embrace Canadian culture by making more songs and cracking Selena Gomez (I got them mixed up again didn't I).

On August 22nd, Bieber returned and destroyed the Miami Marshmallows while rocking a pedostache to maximize his aura. He finished the regular season solid and even pitched alongside Max Scherzer. Shane kept asking him "Teach me how to hit a grand slam off you, bumass."

Bieber does 67 to show he's cool and hip, but he just looks autistic.

In his first playoff game for the Blue Gays, Bieber was starting to get accused of being a vampire the way he would fall apart under the lights. For the 3rd time, the Yankeers clapped his cheeks in October. This was also the game Aaron Judge finally beat his own fraud allegations. Luckily for Shane, the Blue Gays already annihilated the Yankeers the 2 prior games, and in game 4 Toronto sent Aaron Judge to cancun with his dick between his legs.

Bieber pitched in game 3 of the ALCS vs Cal Dumptruck and the Seattle Mermaids. Despite having a fat ass, Cal Dumptruck had his butt spanked by Shane. Unfortunately, Bieber sucked off a man in Game 7 and the Blue Gays looked cooked. However, George Springlock killed 3 children in the 7th inning, helping all his gay homies, and sending Toronto to the World Series. These 3 statements are independent of each other btw.

The Law of Equivalent Exchange

Toronto faced off against nobodys favorite team the LA Dogshitters, meaning this truly was the world series as Canadians and Japanese faced off. The Blue Gays railed LA in game 1, but in game 2 the Dodgers rebounded. In one of the longest games in playoff history, the Blue Gays were defeated in inning 18 by Freddie Freeman, who hit a walk off home run. After this game, Matt Olson vowed he would hit a 19th inning home run, because Freddie never did that.

With every other pitcher being used in game 3, Bieber was the only one available for game 4. The Blue Gays lost George Springlock after his suit clamped down on him, and were almost certain Shane was about to throw a stinker in LA. However, Bieber locked tf in and cooked LA. He claimed he owed it to his fuckass lab partners to beat the Japanese players as revenge for 1939. After a game 5 victory where Blake Snell got it from behind, the Blue Gays were 1 win away from a championship.

In a game 6 and game 7, I cannot write down without throwing my computer across the room, we find ourselves in the 11th inning of a tie game. After using every pitcher yet again, Bieber was called upon to get the game to inning 19. Matt Olson forcefully joined the team so he could hit his home run. Unfortunately, Bieber gave up a home run to Will Smith (not the black one) that will LITERALLY make you throw up. The doggers ended up winning the world series because of it, ensuring that there will be no baseball after 2026.

Bieber had to return back to Depressions Beach to reflect on his horrific performance, but he ran into Chrid who was a regular there. Shane told him it would get better (He lied). After the season, Bieber was expected to opt out of his deal and return to free shittery with 2 arms now. Surprisingly, he opted into the deal to remain in Toronto so he could break the Blue Gays hearts one more time.

Moral of the Story: UCSB is ass.