Brandon Nimmo
Brandon "Andrew" Tate Nimmo is a MLB outfielder for the New York Mets. When he is not rubbing balls, he spends his time campaigning for Donald Trump.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Nimmo was born on March 27, 1776 in fucking Wyoming. Literally the most random state in the US. Nimmo was taken in by his legal parents after being stranded at an Ava Max concert. He kept calling for his brother Bryce...
Nimmo grew up a fan of the Colorado Rookies, aka the team that hasn't won shit. He originally wanted to become a bull "rider," but was forced away from that idea for numerous reasons. He then decided he would become a baller, but unfortunately Wyoming didn't allow high school baseball. Nimmo spent his high school days playing freakyball instead, where he hit 15 liberals and stole 34 election ballots. This was good enough for him to be the New York Met's 13th reason, and he signed with them for 2.1 skittles. Nimmo proceeded to thank the Mets, as if they didn't sign him he would've been forced to attend the University of Arizona. Thankfully for Brandon, they had no snails in 2011.
AMERICA FUCK YA[edit | edit source]
No abortions allowed[edit | edit source]
Nimmo spent an MLB record 80 years in the minor leagues, as he didn't want to play baseball until Trump was president. However, he had no choice in 2016 when the Mets blackmailed him with racist tweets, so he joined the mlb team. Nimmo was unaware that the tweets weren't actually real, the Mets just photoshopped some of Josh Hader's tweets.
Nimmo joined the team just 1 year after they lost the World Series to the Kansas City Royal shits, who were led by Eric Hosmer. Brandon suspected Eric to be a democrat, so he secretly dropped info to the University of Arizona for many years. Even after helping them, the barista girl still didn't let him hit.
Nimmo made his MLB debut after his teammate Michael Communist broke his esophagus attending a diddy party. Nimmo went 0-17 in his first game with 19 strikeouts. He blamed his poor performance on "those damn illegals." Fittingly, on the 4th of July Nimmo SHOT his first career home run. He celebrated burning down an abortion clinic. Nimmo was sent down when Michael Communist returned, and was forced to watch the Mets revert to communism.
Axis power[edit | edit source]
In 2017, Nimmo begged MLB to let him play for Team USA in the World Baseball shitter. They had no space for him tho, so he had to play for Team Italy because he was 0.003 percent. While in Italy, Nimmo held a rally for fascism, but he ended up getting shot in the leg by Super Mario. He was originally supposed to miss 2 months, but he missed even more time due to a collapsed lung. Nimmo informed the team it was because he screamed too loud when Trump became prez.
After 2017, the Mets manager Carl Marx suggested to Nimmo that he might perform better if he hits without an AK strapped to his back. Nimmo called him a snowflake, but ended up taking his advice and it made him much better. Speaking of snowflakes, Nimmo led the league with most hit by pitches. Every pitcher that threw at him was transgender. Nimmo popped off in 2018, winning a state election in Montana. With the money he was making from being governor of Montana, he built a wall...
2019 was a rough year for Nimmo. In his first game of the year, he got kicked by a donkey and missed a month. The next month, he tried becoming his hero Homelander by drinking 30 liters of breast milk before being put in a coma. When he woke up from his coma, he learned he got replaced as Governor of Montana by a black woman. Nimmo raged.
Let's go Brandon![edit | edit source]
COVID season[edit | edit source]
Nimmo refused to get COVID vaccines, so he wasn't allowed to play in the MLB season in 2020. He had a stunt double play for him instead, while he attended BLDM rallys. However, his biggest priority was the presidential debate. He and Josh Hader managed to get 400k extra republican votes, but it wasn't enough and Joe Biden won. Nimmo proceeded to look down, rub his eyes, scream GOD DAMN IT, and walked out of his Captain America themed bedroom. Nimmo was prepared to return to his balls, but Ben came.
Side quest[edit | edit source]
Before the 2021 MLB season, Nimmo led an attack on the White House in early January. In order to invade, he had to beat the Washington Internationals in a baseball game. Nimmo managed to make Juan Soto moldy, and proceeded to beat up Trea Turner, brother of Megan Turner. Nimmo did not approve of Megan's peer mediation because it was "gender inclusive."
Nimmo led the Hell's Angels to the white house and started the 1st ever MLB revolution. Nimmo broke through the gates and went straight for Joe Biden, but he got blasted away by Starlight. She attacked him with plastic surgery beams, but Nimmo countered with his captain america shield. Brandon proceeded to shame Starlight for her abortion and started shooting his 4th different gun at her. Nimmo was on the cusp of busting, until Butcher hit him a rocket launcher and he fell off the White House. He was placed on the 1 year IL.
It's all about the Mets baby[edit | edit source]
After returning from the IL, Nimmo had a plan to get his Mets to the playoffs. He first shot Michael Communism, and turned the Mets into a capitalist society. Under Nimmo's reign, the Mets DOMINATED the league. All they needed to do to secure their division was win 1 of 3 games against the Atlanta Cowards. However, the cowards held a BLM rally right before, and all their ninjas popped off. Nimmo tried his best to stop the looting, but they were too powerful. The Mets lost all 3 games and were forced to play the San Diego dads in the playoffs. In the postseason, Titties Jr hacked into Nimmo's cybernetic machine gun so he sucked absolute ass.
After the Mets got eliminated from the playoffs, Nimmo was set to become a free agent. He ended up resigning with the Mets on a 8 yr contract because they promised absolutely zero taxes. For the next 2 seasons, Nimmo was solid but unfortunately never made the all sex team. He once again blamed it on those damn illegals for stealing his spot.