Cleveland Steamers

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Cleveland Steamers Logo.jpg

“Holy shit!”

~ Phil Rizzuto on Cleveland Steamers

The Cleveland Steamers are a professional baseball team based in Cleveland, Ohio. They are on the Chestral Division of Major League Baseball's National League. Their Minor League affiliate is the Pittsburgh Platters.

One of baseball's most historic franchises, they have claim to only one World Series title in 1902, bringing forth the catchphrase "let's drop a deuce", the widely popular rallying cry for the team's dream of winning a second championship.

Though their championship history may be disappointing the Cleveland Steamers organization is known for having produced some of baseball's greatest players. Most notably being Dirty Sanchez, Lucky Pierre, Rusty Gillespie, Chili Dogg, Clete Oris, Dick Pounder, and baseball's first female professional player, Pearl Necklace.

Their home uniform consists of a white jersey and white pants, both with brown pinstripes and a "CS" written on the left breast. Their away uniform is a gray jersey and gray pants, with "Cleveland" written, you guessed it, around the chest in brown. Caps are brown with a "C" on the front. Both uniforms are worn with pink socks.

History[edit | edit source]

Dirty Sanchez practicing at Spring Training, circa 1904

Origins[edit | edit source]

The Steamers legacy was born in 1862 by anal-bead industrialist and Union General Rob Riches as he pondered while taking a hot steaming dook all over his wife's chest. His wife's name was Mel Norman. Seeing the promise in the new sport of baseball, he decided to establish a franchise and name the team the Cleveland Steamers in honor of his favorite family activity with his children.

While they played like shit at first, Rob Riches put most of his focus on his farm teams and growing good players from within the system. Though they stunk until 1902, Riches' legacy lives on as being an owner whose reliance on the minor leagues produced some of baseball's best players.

Being world champions only once their claim to baseball glory is disputed in the history books, as they won by only a technicality when the opponent Birmingham Niggers refused to play the series after finding the chest area of their uniforms dripping wet with shit, corn chunks and despair.

1907: the debacle[edit | edit source]

In 1907, the Cleveland Steamers' owners, the Goatse brothers, bought the Birmingham Aryans baseball club and proceeded to transfer most of the Cleveland stars, including future Hall of Stainers Dirty Sanchez, Lucky Pierre, and Turd "Bucking Bronco" Ferguson to Birmingham. Deprived of its talent the 1907 season of the Steamers' team was the worst in major league history, as the club finished 1-153, and lost 153 of their last 153 games of the season.

Due to horrible attendance Cleveland was penetrated by new fans, such as "green stool man" (upon which this man had a green stool to sit on rather than stand in the stadium), "mud-butt matt", Swamp Ass Stew, and their infamous mascot Sammy the Steamer. While keeping the team just afloat, it allowed them to pursue the 1908 season, in which they performed much better.

Modern history[edit | edit source]

Stank Aaron hits his first home run as a Steamer

New hopes with a new stadium[edit | edit source]

With the city of Cleveland approving the proposition to fund the building of a new stadium in 1972, the Steamers general management decided to take total advantage of the obviously sensible and logical policy of MLB not having any rules for how large a field should be. With center field ending ten yards behind second base, this led to the new "home run era", where the likes of Ken Wiffey Jr and Stank Aaron would average over a hundred home runs a season, often into the "stink pit" (the bleacher section in center field).

2008 Season: New floats, New dook, Shitters at last[edit | edit source]

The Steamers finished the 2008 Season with only 69 losses, a club record. With the help of their valiant pitching and mediocre batting with the advantage of a fucking ridiculous field, they struggled to their first World Series appearance in over 50 years, against the rival Cleveland Indians. In a dramatic game six in what would have been an out to end the series Steamers left fielder Jonny Stainin had the out stolen from him by an advantageous fan in the left field bleachers who reached over the wall to catch the ball.

After losing game six, followed by another loss in game seven, the unlucky fan was found by angry fans, dragged into the streets and had his chest repeatedly shit on.

See Also[edit | edit source]