Jimmy Whiteman
| |
|---|---|
 Whiteman pictured looking fly as hell | |
| Born |
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| Occupation | Money making, bitch |
| Years active | 1969–present |
| Known for | Kicking ass and taking names |
Jimmy Whiteman is the current dictator of Jamaica and Panama, where his crime family is currently headquartered. Well known for his criminal expertise, it's thought that Whiteman and his crime family have literally robbed everything in the world. Perhaps his most famous robbery is his heist on the Pentagon, where he literally stole the building.
Early life
Jimmy Whiteman birthed himself out of a can of beans on July 4, 1969. The young Whiteman said his first words a couple seconds after birth, in which he simply said; "Motherfucker." What this means is unknown. At the ripe age of 3 days old, Whiteman gave a wedgie to another toddler, which was later revealed to be Donald Trump. Whiteman shouted expletives at Trump and ran off, going into hiding. The F.B.I. immediately made Whiteman one of the Top 10 Most Wanted due to Trump's father giving the F.B.I. a small loan of one million dollars. After about three months of hiding in some shithole town in Idaho, Whiteman paid off the F.B.I. using a treasure chest full of gold doubloons. Soon after this, Whiteman swam from the United States to Vietnam to fight in the ongoing war. Whiteman washed on the shores of Vietnam and was immediately captured by NVA troops.
Prisoner of war
After being taken by NVA troops, Whiteman was tortured for information relating to the United States, such as the eleven secret herbs and spices, which was told to Whiteman months prior by Colonel Sanders. Whiteman later recalled them using torture methods such as waterboarding, feet tickling, waterboarding, Chinese finger trap, and waterboarding with Coca-Cola.
Escape
About a week after being imprisoned, Whiteman devised a plan to escape from the POW camp. The idea was brilliant, late in the night, Whiteman made a hot air balloon out of a pack of gum and a wire. Whiteman floated out of the prisoner camp and was pursued by NVA troops in hot air balloons.
The Great Hot Air Balloon Chase of 1969
A NVA hot air balloon started firing upon Whiteman's balloon and Whiteman returned fire with a bazooka, which he had quickly modified into white phosphorus rockets. Whiteman fired the bazooka, which made a fantastic display of hellfire. When the smoke cleared, Whiteman looked behind his balloon to discover there were more than 1,000 hot air balloons chasing him.
Realizing how deep in shit he was, Whiteman created a radio using a turd and peanut butter and contacted his brothers, Jimmy Blackman, and Jimmy Mozzarella, and told them he was in some deep shit. Blackman was in charge of the ground units and Mozzarella was tasked with the air attacks. Whiteman flew towards an opening where Blackman's troops were waiting, and rained hellfire upon the thousands of hot air balloons. Mozzarella took to the skies with more hot air balloons, which were equipped with machine guns and rockets. On Christmas Day, 1973, if you looked up into the skies of Vietnam, you would see an insane amount of balloons, gunfire and explosions. It was truly a sight to behold. After about three hours of Bat Fuck Insane fighting, the NVA balloon troops were defeated and Whiteman floated away into the Vietnam night. Then he was shot down by Donald Trump's father who still wanted revenge.
Stranded in 'Nam
Whiteman woke up in the debris of his hot air balloon. He soon realized he was in the middle of Buttfuck Nowhere, Vietnam. He figured this out because he looked to his right and saw a sign that said, "Welcome to Buttfuck Nowhere - Population: Jimmy Whiteman." What the fuck?
After 30 seconds of walking, Whiteman found himself stuck in a massive battle between NVA and American troops. Whiteman immediately took charge of the American soldiers and quickly decimated the NVA troops using only a can of whoop-ass. He awarded himself the Medal of Honor, which he soon pawned and opened up a strip club.
Whiteman's Gun Store, Pawn Shop, Homeless Shelter, Casino, Strip Club, Hippie Friendly Establishment
After pawning his Medal of Honor, Whiteman started a business called "Whiteman's Gun Store, Pawn Shop, Homeless Shelter, Casino, Strip Club, Hippie Friendly Establishment." Business was absolutely booming for Whiteman, with an estimated $194,345,552,092 dollars amassed within 48 hours. With this money, he bought Jamacia and Panama.
Whiteman's Gun Store, Pawn Shop, Homeless Shelter, Casino, Strip Club, Hippie Friendly Establishment massacre
One day, while Whiteman was at Whiteman's Gun Store, Pawn Shop, Homeless Shelter, Casino, Strip Club, Hippie Friendly Establishment, the F.B.I, C.I.A, A.T.F, D.E.A, and every federal agency you can think of raided Whiteman's Gun Store, Pawn Shop, Homeless Shelter, Casino, Strip Club, Hippie Friendly Establishment. A agent from the C.I.A. screamed at Whiteman to put his hands behind his back. Realizing that he's in big, big trouble, Whiteman obliges. The C.I.A. agent walked towards Whiteman and was met with a right hook to the jaw that would make Mike Tyson proud. The agent's brain literally exploded upon impact and the entire establishment was silent, except for Whiteman, who was laughing hysterically at the sucker punch. Shortly after, other agents also began laughing hysterically, and soon every agent in the building was laughing. Reports also state that agents that were outside the building were also laughing, despite not knowing what just happened. After about 10 seconds of laughing, an F.B.I. agent collapsed on the floor and died due to a cardiac arrest from laughing so much. The entire building went quiet again, gasps echoed throughout the building. Whiteman was absolutely howling at this point and other agents soon started laughing too.
In the next 30 seconds, every agent inside the building would be dead. Though nobody really knows what exactly happened. We can assume a good portion of them died from laughing too much, but reports say that gunfire, explosions, sounds of slot machines, roars of bears, multiple curse words, clown honks, badass guitar riffs, the Old Spice jingle, and car horns were heard coming from inside the building. Agents outside the building quickly fled the scene and all of them resigned. Whiteman walked out covered in blood and silly string, and had a crown on for some reason. In total, 329 agents were slaughtered, and the coroner concluded that he had no idea what caused their deaths, because their bodies were so FUBAR.
Whiteman crime family
After the massacre, Whiteman decided to create his own crime family. It's thought that the Whiteman crime family has robbed everything in this world. The first robbery committed by Whiteman and his crime family was the robbery of the queen's crown. Below is a partial list of known members of the Whiteman crime family.
Queen's crown robbery
Their first robbery was quite legendary. Whiteman simply ran into the Tower of London, broke the glass by headbutting it, put the crown on his head and ran off. London authorities pursued Whiteman but he was simply too fast on foot to catch. London immediately went into lockdown and shot anyone outside of their homes. Due to this decision, homeless people and confused senior citizens were gunned down in the streets of London. Unknowingly, Whiteman solved the homelessness problem in London... and got every senior citizen afflicted with dementia killed.
Stealing the Pentagon
Late in the night, Blackman stole a helicopter from a nearby Army base and flew all the way to the Pentagon. Whiteman had sleeper agents placed inside the Pentagon and had them connect the helicopter to the building. The Pentagon realized that a random helicopter hovering overhead was probably a bad sign and called in fucking every backup possible. Some soldiers at the Pentagon at the time opened fire on Whiteman's helicopter, but Whiteman did evasive maneuvers. Whiteman descended to the roof, and started ascending at a very high rate of speed. This caused the whole building to uproot and Whiteman started flying away. Whiteman pawned the Pentagon at another Whiteman's Gun Store, Pawn Shop, Homeless Shelter, Casino, Strip Club, Hippie Friendly Establishment which was in another location.
Dictatorship of Jamaica and Panama
After the Pentagon robbery, Whiteman decided to leave America to take over Jamaica and Panama. Whiteman swam to Jamaica and climbed up on shore, where the Jamaican government immediately surrendered and gave Whiteman full control of the country. Whiteman then swam all the way to Panama and washed upon shore, where the Panama government immediately surrendered and gave Whiteman all control. Whiteman combined the governments of Panama and Jamaica, and declared war with Nigeria. Whiteman sent the Jamaican troops over to Nigeria and quickly decimated the Nigerians. Whiteman took control of the country, demolished every building and replaced everything with Whiteman's Gun Store, Pawn Shop, Homeless Shelter, Casino, Strip Club, Hippie Friendly Establishment. Nigeria is now one of the biggest sources of income for Whiteman.
Recent years
Whiteman is still in total control of Panama and Jamaica, and requires every citizen to smoke cigars and weed. Cancer rates increased in Panama, while they stayed the same in Jamaica, scientists still do not know the reason why.
