Jimmy Parmesan
Jimmy Parmesan was a criminal mastermind, and just like his brothers, had a crime family. Parmesan and his crime family have been confirmed to have robbed every business in North America. How? He's part of the Jimmy family, shut the fuck up. Known for his contradicting styles of robbery, he would sometimes be very, very brutal, but other times very kind and polite to the workers and owners. Parmesan was shot and killed in a shootout in his home with the United States Army, United States Marine Corps, United States Navy, United States Air Force, United States Coast Guard, and even the United States Space Force! What the fuck does the Space Force do? Anyway ... Not to mention the DEA, ATF, FBI, CIA, and the National Guard, as well as every local cop in a 500-mile radius.
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|---|---|
 Jimmy Parmesan, aiming at an orphanage | |
| Born |
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| Died |
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| Occupation | King of Everything |
| Years active | 1969 – whenever the fuck |
| Known for | Being the human equivalent of a rocket launcher |
Little information is known about Parmesan, as he wasn't as active as his brothers.
Early life
Parmesan was born on October 31, 1969, and per usual, birthed himself out of a can of beans. He said his first words when he was a couple of minutes old, saying, "I will be shot and killed in a shootout in my home with the United States Army, United States Marine Corps, United States Navy, United States Air Force, United States Coast Guard, and even the United States Space Force! Not to mention the DEA, ATF, FBI, CIA, and the National Guard, as well as every local cop in a 500-mile radius." What the fuck?! But remember, the Jimmy family matures very, very, very quickly.
At the age of three, Parmesan began hustling on the street corners of Philadelphia, slinging pop rocks, Skittles, Snickers and other candy toddlers might also like. He started a gang called the "Parmesan Playas". He also frequently got into bar brawls and shootouts with the cops. During one of his bar fights, he threw Oscar Wilde through a second-story window, giving Oscar multiple broken bones, cuts, scrapes and bruises. His face was so fucked up on impact he looked like a Picasso painting! Ha!
The Parmesan Playas terrified the locals, as constant robberies would occur at any time. One victim, Jeff Buttermilk, stated that while he was in the bathroom, Parmesan had jumped through the window and inside the bathroom. Parmesan pepper sprayed Buttermilk and took his valuables, including 317 porn tapes.
Another victim, McRonald Donald, stated that while he was ordering food, Parmesan waited until the workers handed him his food, then snatched it while giving the middle finger to Donald.
Good morning, Vietnam!
As tradition with all these articles, Parmesan was drafted into Vietnam. Is it because the creator can't think of anything original? Sure is!
Anyway, Parmesan was drafted by the United States Army and went to basic training at Fort Knox, coincidentally enough, the same place his brother, Jimmy Blackman would rob. During basic training, the drill sergeants were so impressed with him, he received the Medal of Badassery, which was awarded to Parmesan because he had decapitated a fellow recruit during a pugil stick fight.
Good afternoon, Vietnam!
Immediately after graduating from basic training, he skipped AIT and recruited himself into the 5th Special Forces Group. Parmesan promoted himself to the highest rank of the Army and took a whole company with him into random places in Vietnam, shooting the shit out of anything.
In total, Parmesan had singlehandedly created a single company with more firepower than the rest of the Army by taking the rest of the Army's firepower, leaving the other units, platoons and companies with nothing. Letting Parmesan loose in Vietnam was like letting a bull in a china shop, or a fatass inside of Mcdonald's. Crazy shit is bound to happen, and it did. Within a few months, Parmesan, as well as his brothers, singlehandedly won the war in Vietnam. But it wasn't easy, as one night was a complete bloodbath.
Operation Party Pooper
One night, celebrating the almost guaranteed victory of the Vietnam War, Parmesan and his unit started partying at a strip club Parmesan created, called "Parmesan's Pleasure". Unbeknownst to them, the Vietcong had somehow been tipped off about this party and started stockpiling firepower for this party. The Vietcong named this operation "Operation Party Pooper".
At 1:32 AM, the Vietcong started their attack, immediately causing a casualty, SFC Chad Dickpound. Dickpound was crushed by a falling tank dropped by Vietcong planes, and Vietcong soldiers started exiting the tank. This was described by one soldier in Parmesan's company, "Like a fucking clown car!" The anonymous soldier opened fire on the Vietcong and everyone was instantly alerted by the gunshots. A few minutes later, Parmesan had already ordered that some of his men take the skies and start shooting down planes and helicopters. Parmesan stayed on the ground with his men, providing suppressive fire while small squads would rush in with the tanks. Parmesan somehow modified a regular M16 to shoot 50-calibre bullets, what the fuck?
As more tanks plunged into the ground, more and more Vietcong soldiers were arriving. After multiple hours of sustained fighting, two people named Maldito and Allende arrived to investigate the gunfire. Parmesan had helped them immensely in a prior matter, and just the three amigos, Parmesan, Maldito, and Allende, were a big force in the battle.
Three Amigos
Parmesan, Allende and Maldito held a defensive position in a three-story building. Then a tank rolls up and starts firing rockets at the building. Fuck! The three quickly haul their asses out of there and into a one-story building where they found themselves attacked from two different sides. Parmesan had been separated from his company shortly after the attack, so it was just the Three Amigos to defend themselves until support arrived. This stand-off lasted about two hours. Allende was shot 107 times through the torso, and fifteen bullets grazed the side of his head. Under the effects of adrenaline and drugs, Allende managed to keep fighting for another hour and a half before dying.
Death of Allende
While hauling ass back to the resupply station, an APC and tank forced them to seek refuge inside another building. The tank and APC were shooting at the first-floor level, which forced them to go upstairs. While they ran up the stairs, a tank rocket came exploding through the wall, blocking the stairway. Parmesan and Maldito were on the second floor, while Allende's status was unknown as he was separated. But, Allende was heard returning fire and screaming obscenities, such as, "What in the fuck?!", which was a few seconds after the tank explosion. Two hours passed before air support eventually destroyed the tank and APC. After descending from the building, Parmesan and Maldito found the body of Allende, which was pressed up against the wall with his dick in his hand. He had one last nut.
Escape
Parmesan managed to call in Osama bin Laden to come to pick him up in a plane at a nearby airfield a few miles away. Parmesan and Maldito climbed into a nearby hummer and hauled ass out of there, but they were being chased by these bastards!
Maldito got in the driver seat while Parmesan crafted a minigun in the backseat, using a paperclip and a stick of gum. Parmesan stood up in the gunner seat and was immediately shot with a shotgun at point-blank range by the pursuers. How did he survive? He's Jimmy Parmesan, damn it! Parmesan returned fire with the minigun, immediately shredding the Little Tikes car that was in hot pursuit. Helicopters started converging on them, so Parmesan riddled them with special urine bullets that his brother, Jimmy Blackman, had made for him earlier. With the helicopters slowly having parts dissolved, they crashed into each other in mid-air for a spectacular display of explosive fun. Parmesan ducked down into the gunner's seat to call Osama bin Laden to see if he was still there, which he was. After about five minutes the pair arrived at the airfield and got into Osama bin Laden's plane.
Parmesan thought it was quite odd why it was a commercial plane rather than a small 3-seater.
The crash
After taking off, Osama bin Laden said, "I should tell you guys, I really don't know how to fly, at all! I just pulled up on the fuckin' thing here!"
Parmesan and Maldito shrugged this off as a joke, because how would he have known to start the plane? Well, Osama got lucky while fucking with the controls. It didn't help that a pilot with no experience was also under fire by the Vietcong. Osama started randomly moving the plane and pressing random buttons in a desperate attempt to gain control of the aeroplane back but ultimately failed.
For some reason, even though they were in Vietnam, they crashed into a very modern city. How did this happen? Well, it's a story about one of the Jimmy brothers, that's how.
Anyway, Osama and Parmesan survived the crash, while Maldito was M.I.A.
Life after Vietnam
Soon after this, Parmesan was so devastated by the death of his comrade, he immediately retired from the Army and changed. He decided to turn to crime, and got back in touch with his old gang, Parmesan Playas, and recruited them for the Parmesan crime family. Soon after, Parmesan had recruited a shit load of people for the crime family.
- Bo Diddley
- Mr. Clean
- Chuck E. Cheese
- Dave
- You, in about five minutes
- Chef Boyardee
- Dave
- Dave
Parmesan's Smores
Parmesan opened a smores shop in Philadelphia. The income this business made in its first week was somewhere in the trillions. Parmesan had many delicious items on his menu, you could get honey, chocolate drizzle, and some weird white stuff ...
Anyway, this business was a huge success and eventually partnered up with his brother, Jimmy Mozzarella, to create a special smore, which combined Mooncola and smores together. After some years of running this business, tragedy struck.
Smores truck massacre
While a shipment of smores supplies was being delivered to his store, the rival store, Dinkleding's Donuts, had ambushed the smores truck and killed the driver, who was identified as 18-year-old Peter Griffin.
While making a left turn a couple of blocks away from the store, Dinkleding's Donuts had set up a fake construction barrier, which stopped the truck. Griffin got out of his truck and asked what all this was about. Dinkleding's Donuts then revealed the truth, and that if Griffin doesn't allow them to destroy the truck, they'll kill him and Parmesan.
Griffin said, "Alright, let me just reach into the back of my truck seat, I do not have a weapon here. You can trust m- HAHAHA, GET SOME!" Before opening fire on the workers. Parmesan had heard the gunshots and immediately thought to himself, "Oh my god, 18-year-old Peter Griffin is being robbed after taking a left turn a few blocks away from the store, and if he doesn't allow them to destroy the truck, he will kill me and Peter. Oh my god!"
Parmesan rushed over to where the gunfight was and climbed onto a nearby roof, providing support for Griffin while he got the truck out of there, but Griffin was pinned down on a concrete barrier, and the Dinkleding workers had a great cover. This continued for nearly half an hour before Griffin was shot and killed during the ambush. He had tried to advance to better cover but was shot 187 times within two seconds. Parmesan's brother, Jimmy Blackman, had received news of the shooting within five minutes and dropped urine bombs on the Dinkleding workers. After the urine had settled, Parmesan rushed down there and went to Griffin, who looked like swiss cheese. Oh my god!
First robbery
Parmesan took a few of his members to commit their first robbery, the Federal Reserve. Oh yeah, baby!
Parmesan hijacked an armoured Federal Reserve truck and had Mr Clean and Chef Boyardee get in the truck with him. Parmesan drove 94 mph into the entrance gates and right through the front door. After getting confronted by the guards, Parmesan started fake crying, while Mr Clean and Chef Boyardee pretended to comfort him, stating that he had just found out three seconds ago that his mother had passed away. The guards offered their condolences before being hit over the head by Dave. Parmesan had planted two of his men inside the Reserve, who were Dave and Dave. Dave hit two of them with a shovel and Dave mauled one with his bare hands.
Dave started punching into the floor, which contained the vault right below them. After Dave made a hole into the vault, a guard down there noticed and confronted Dave, before getting his throat ripped out by Dave.
Parmesan and his crew jumped down into the hole and started gathering the money, Mr. Clean shoved all of his inside a trash bag, Chef Boyardee put all of his in a giant spaghetti can, and Parmesan put his in his mouth, storing the money like a squirrel or some shit. Chef Boyardee later stated that Parmesan's cheeks were stretched out to about twenty feet. When Parmesan started shaking his head, the sheer weight of his cheeks smashed the walls, roof and floor.
Parmesan then got the hell out with his crew, having stolen over 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars. Dayum!
The cooldown
After Parmesan had robbed the Federal Reserve, he decided to make himself an unlikely suspect and became a lawyer. Since he's such a badass, he already knew everything about the law. For example, he was O.J Simpson's lawyer, and look how that turned out. The glove didn't fit.
He took on numerous cases, from minor crimes to severe crimes. John Cena had hired Parmesan as a lawyer because of a speeding ticket he thought was unfair. Parmesan helped Cena go from a $200 speeding ticket, to life in prison without parole.
He even did some work as a private investigator. He was hired by a company to investigate a suspicious insurance scam by one of their employees, so he stalked the old man who had been nearly paralyzed and had to wear a neck brace for two weeks straight. All the old man did was sit in a chair. Parmesan concluded that he had enough evidence to reason that he was a fraud, so he went back to the company and told them he was scamming them. The old man was taken to court and was sentenced to a year in jail, with no evidence.
He was also the lawyer of the Chuck E. Cheese mascot, his associate. Cheese had overwhelming evidence against him, in which he was caught with an outrageous number of weapons. Enough to get him life in prison. It literally shouldn't have been possible to get Cheese out of prison, he was caught with extremely illegal weapons. But, Parmesan managed to get him from life in prison to a fine the size of a speeding ticket.
John Cena was pissed.
Parmesan crime family
Parmesan eventually returned to his crime family and started the biggest robbery spree in America, which, surprisingly, pissed a lot of people off. Parmesan had become a very, very rich man, and was on his way to taking over America.
The government realized they were about to be taken over by Jimmy Parmesan, so they started sending out Special Forces. That's how scared they were. Parmesan decimated the Special Forces.
All the previously mentioned members of the crime family had been either killed or arrested, either due to shootouts, or Parmesan's law career.
Parmesan also started a huge drug smuggling operation throughout Canada, America, and Mexico. Smuggling weed, cocaine, Mooncola, heroin, morphine and all sorts of shit. He assigned caporegime, Andy Griffith, in charge of the operation. The method used was a bunch of tiny train models, and a bunch of little rails and carts connecting different places in Canada, and down in Mexico. One toy train was called the "Parmesan's Polar Express", which was the one that smuggled cocaine, and had the most storage capacity at the time. Notable people involved in this smuggling operation were: Larry Bird, Jesus Christ, Hamburglar, and John from down the street.
Parmesan also made tiny boats which would float into the Mississippi River, carrying drugs.
The operation was perfect for several years, until one day, while the Hamburglar was loading weed on his train, was spotted by none other than Osama bin Laden. Osama ran away screaming and told the police what was happening. The Hamburglar was taken into custody and ratted on everyone involved in the operation. The Hamburglar was brutally beaten during the interrogation.
Andy Griffith was found and arrested two weeks later, same for Jesus Christ. John was found dead in the Mississippi River.
Big trouble in Big China
Parmesan decided that the best option for his crime family would be to take over China.
Parmesan used the firepower he stole from the Army to load all his men on multiple carriers, with tanks, planes, helicopters, boats and a bunch of other shit.
Parmesan landed in China on January 17, and the war he waged lasted from then until February 19.
Parmesan immediately started bombing the cities, with some help from his brothers, Jimmy Blackman and Jimmy Mozzarella. Blackman provided urine bombings on major cities, and Mozzarella went fuckin' crazy. On the first day, Mozzarella had reportedly killed half the population of China, and Blackman had almost completely dissolved Beijing with the urine bombs. China's president, Xi Jinping, had been present in Beijing for a public address, when he was instantly dissolved by the urine bombs, screaming "Ah fok! I'm fuking buhnin'!"
Even bigger trouble in Big China
Blackman was working on an experimental nuclear urine bomb, which would cause even more damage than a regular nuke. So, Blackman decided to launch the nuclear urine bomb on China, which completely started dissolving China almost immediately, even reaching parts of the world as far away as Italy. This thing was brutal, it instantly wiped out the population of China, but somehow spared the lives of Parmesan, Mozzarella and their crime family members, completely untouched.
Mozzarella, Blackman, and Parmesan started rebuilding China however they liked it. The rebuilding took about a couple of minutes before it was built to how they saw fit.
The last stand
Somehow, Parmesan didn't realize that his operation was compromised, as he had locked himself in his house for a week straight on the anniversary of Allende's death. Every single branch of the military was outside of his house, as well as the DEA, ATF, FBI, CIA and the National Guard, as well as every local cop in a 500-mile radius. Parmesan muttered under his breath, "Shit, looks like I'm about to die in a shootout with the United States Army, United States Marine Corps, United States Air Force, United States Navy, United States Coast Guard, and even the United States Space Force. Not to mention the DEA, ATF, CIA, AND FBI, as well as every local cop in a 500-mile radius."
Death
Parmesan gave the middle finger to a helicopter flying above his house, before running inside his house and grabbing an M60. Parmesan broke out his window and started opening fire on the shit load of trained killers. Uh oh! Here comes the cavalry! Turns out, Chef Boyardee had escaped prison and stolen an attack helicopter, opening fire on the ground units and helicopters, while playing Ride of the Valkyries at full volume. Parmesan was amused by this and started playing the Rocky theme song. Together, within five minutes, they had killed upwards of a thousand ground units and destroyed multiple vehicles. Chef Boyardee had forced the ground units out of cover while Parmesan had gunned them down with his M60. What a badass! Unfortunately, after the Air Force sent out more fighter jets, Boyardee was shot down and crashed into Parmesan's house, severely injuring him, and killing Boyardee instantly.
After about thirty seconds of silence, Parmesan arose from the debris and smoke and fired a grenade launcher rapidly at everything he saw, which had a 16,000 capacity in the grenade launcher, causing immediate destructing and death, but not before Parmesan was shot dead. Parmesan was riddled with bullets, being shot hundreds of times.
Adam West • Biggie Cheese • Billy Mays • Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup • Blue Beetle • Bob Knight • Bruce Campbell • Bruce Lee • Charles Bronson • Chow Yun-fat • Christopher Walken • Chuck Norris • Clint Eastwood • Dirty Harry • Dolemite • Mr. Garrison • The Green Hornet • Jackie Chan • Jet Li • Joe Camel • Jack Dempsey • James Bevel • Jimmy Blackman • Jimmy Mozzarella • Juggernaut • Knight Rider • MacGyver • Manny Pacquiao • Martin Luther King, Jr. • Michael Biehn • Mike Tyson • The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit • Mohandas Gandhi • Mr. T • Notorious B.I.G. • Popeye • Qin Shi Huang • Quentin Tarantino • Rambo • Red Forman • Rick Astley • Sean Connery • Samuel L. Jackson • Shaft • Scott Aukerman • Steven Seagal • Tony Jaa • Wesley Snipes • Wonder Woman • Yogi Bear • Your Dad
