Michael Connor Biehn
|Your Mom's Ex-Boyfriend|
Michael Connor Biehn (born 31st July, 2283 AD) is an American time traveller and Colonial Marine. He is best known for his work with James Cameron's time travel program, AVATAR. Initially intended as a singular back and forth journey into the past, something went wrong with the experiment, and Biehn was forced to leap into different people's bodies throughout various eras of time, correcting some kind of mistake or karmic imbalance in the universe. He would continue to do this until he eventually returned to his own body.
Biehn is also noted by many for the impressive amount of women he has slept with during his time-travel adventures, as well as being the distant descendant of 20th Century Actor, Michael Connell Biehn.
Biehn was born in Anniston, Alabama, albeit one far in the future where everywhere looks like a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles. His parents were Don "Baked" Biehn, a US Intergalactic Marine, and Marcia, a drunken housewife. Don taught his son well in the art of killing aliens and other organic matter, while his mother taught him about the finer points of a Jack and Coke and how to make home-made explosives for him and his friends to play with outside. All was well with the family, especially considering the dystopian society, until Michael was 11 years old.
A Neo-Islamic terrorist stormed the apartment block the family was living in, and detonated the WMD attached to his chest. The explosion caused the building to collapse, killing both of Biehn's parents. Young Michael was forced to survive for days on Baked Biehns and his mother's alcohol stash before help arrived. After this, he was adopted by the US Colonial Marines Division, and raised to become a star-soldier and corporal.
Upon joining the Marines, Biehn excelled himself in boot-camp and preliminary operations, with the R. Lee Ermey cyborg drill-instructor commending his ability to shoot first, and torch the hostiles' villages later. Biehn was instrumental in several of the USA's operations in the war on terror, bringing Democracy to planets where the inhabitants were too stupid to realize that it was the greatest type of government. These savages were then
enslaved colonised, and their oil and land were reappropriated in the name of Republi...I mean, Freedom and Democracy! It was during the Pepsi-Cola constellation wars where Corporal Biehn truly proved himself.
He and his troops were under heavy fire from hostiles protecting their Soda factories, and taking refuge in a nearby building to wait for evac. Biehn took a head count to check his soldiers were all present for when the chopper arrived, and noticed that a soldier, Private George W. Bush VI, was missing. He made radio contact and found out that he was wounded and pinned down inside one of the factories. With the Sergeant dead, and Biehn being second in command, he had to choose between getting Private Bush back or leaving him behind rather than risk the evacuation.
Many of the soldiers protested that Private Bush was a dumbass who wouldn't have survived the war anyway, just like Private Cheney before he got his head blown off. However, Biehn remembered how touched he felt when Bush confessed to him that he had joined the Marines to remove the shame that had haunted his Family since his great grandfather, George W. Bush I, dodged the draft at the ancient battle of Vietnam.
It was because of this, along with the US Army Motto: "Leave No White Man behind" that he decided to rally his troops and storm the factories in rescue of Private Bush. They neutralised many hostiles, and after securing Private Bush, set explosive charges at the bases of the Cocaine dispensers used to mix additives into the Cola Tanks. After everyone boarded the evac chopper in a daring escape, they detonated the charges, crippling the evil communist government's economy in the name of freedom. Upon return, the entire platoon was awarded with medals for bravery, with
Biehn also receiving the Congressional Medal of Honor, and The Purple Heart for protecting President Bush V's son.
Project AVATAR was a NASA-funded space & time-travel program headed by leading scientist and Military Commander, James Cameron. The program was designed to aurally project a person's mind into another person's body in the desired time-era, hence using them as an Avatar. With his superiors citing his exemplary military record, Michael Biehn was earmarked as a strong candidate for the program, and then personally approved by James Cameron to be the singular test subject of the experiment. Procedures were going ahead as planned, with no problems or errors to be anticipated. However, as it was powering up and readying itself to project Biehn, another Neo-Islamic terrorist with an explosive strapped to his chest charged the base generator, causing a power-out for 5 seconds and damaging the Avatar Machine's Programming. Biehn was propelled far off his intended course, and ended up in the body of a high-school Jock in the 1950's.
He also suffered severe amnesia from the psychological shock of being forced through the fabric of space for the first time. He spent several weeks enjoying himself at high-school, hitting on hot cheerleaders and getting stoned. However, the Project Avatar initiative finally tracked him down, and using their technology, projected a hologram of James Cameron that only Michael Biehn would be able to see and hear. The research crew back in their present time discerned that for some reason, Biehn must correct a tragic event or some form of karmic imbalance before being able to return to his body. So Biehn, with James Cameron as his invisible sidekick and contact with the research station back home, set out to right a wrong, and helped a Greaser named Danny Zucco get with the new girl at his high school, Sandy, by convincing her to dress up like a prostitute.
Having completed his mission, Biehn began to leap back. However, this time he ended up in the body of Moses, in order to lead all of the Jews out of Egypt. This proved more difficult than history had dictated, with many of them complaining about their afflictions, haggling for hours on end over pricings on food stalls, as well as reading every single sign and billboard they walked past out loud. Biehn was under immense strain to lead them to safety without personally killing any of them, something Moses was unable to accomplish; this being the wrong Biehn was sent back to set fix. It was obvious after this, and leaping again to the body of a court jester in the 13th Century who must prevent the murder of a king, that he would never return to his own body till the scientists back home had figured it out, or some higher power decided he had done enough.
Since his inception into the Avatar Program, some of the notable leaps Michael Biehn has made include:
- A Sheriff who must deal with a zombie outbreak in a small Texas Town, as well as fighting off a diseased military organisation, and trying to find out his brother's award-winning barbecue sauce recipe.
- A Mountain Climber who must ascend the second highest peak in the world and, along with his friend, survive till the rescue chopper arrives.
- A Pimp in 19th Century London, who must protect his ho's from the vicious serial killer, Jack the Ripper.
- An Archeologist who must recover a religious artefact before the Nazis get there first, as well as trying to seduce an old acquaintance and not kill an annoying sidekick.
- The same Archeologist as above, but this time 20 years older and trying to recover an alien artifact before the communists do.
- A Drunken, Mediocre Musician in the 80's who must stage the World's largest charity concert in an attempt to solve World Hunger. (unfortunately he failed, but leaped anyway as the higher powers probably thought it was a stupid idea in the first place.)
- A Navy Seal in the 60's who must stop insurgents from firing WMD's, as well as survive a stinger missile being launched into his face.
- The same Drunken, Mediocre Musician he leaped into in the 80's, only this time it being 20 years later, and still trying to do the same thing again and expecting different results; the very definition of insanity.
- A British MI6 Agent who must uncover an evil terrorist plot made by an evil Criminal Mastermind while playing Blackjack, drinking obscure alcoholic cocktails and dressing up in sharp business suits and tuxedos. He must also have sex with a woman who is evil/gets killed, and then have sex with another one who he will escape with at the end of his mission.
- An undercover police officer who must act like a Wigga in order to infiltrate a gang of street racers lead by Vin Diesel, while also trying to have sex with Vin Diesel's sister without having his skull crushed for it.
- The exact same situation as the above leap, but with Patrick Swayze instead of Vin Diesel, and Surfing instead of Street Racing.
- A Hollywood acting agent who must try and keep his star's career going, while also trying to suppress any media publicity about the star's controversial membership to Scientology and habits of jumping up and down on couches.
- A Southern Gambler, Drinker, and Gunslinger in the Wild West who must survive with Wyatt Earp and his brothers, and face off against a gang of criminals, while also dealing with his Tuberculosis.
- A Con Artist who, after his father's death, must recover valuables stolen from him by his uncle.
- Another Navy Seal, who this time has developed High Pressure Nervous Syndrome and is losing his grip on reality.
- An FBI Agent who must defend a Murder Witness from a bunch of motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane.
- A rich playboy Billionaire who, after seeing his parents killed before his very eyes as a child, decides to become a Superhero vigilante and fight crime. The karmic mistake before Biehn arrived, was that rather than fight crime, the playboy chose to spend his time partying, getting high, and having sex with random supermodels. Luckily, Michael managed to set him on the straight and narrow.
- A Colonial Marine from another planet, in the future even further than Biehn's original timeline of the 23rd Century. In this case, the Computer system back at AVATAR got a virus because one of the head researchers downloaded porn to it. This caused the programming to malfunction and sent Biehn forward in time rather than backwards. Biehn was projected into the body of a Marine very similar to himself; Corporal Dwayne Hicks, and was tasked with protecting a field expert, as well as his fellow marines, from Alien Xenomorphs and an equally slimy businessman.
The Kyle Reese Incident
The computer virus that had affected the Projection-system's accuracy was only partially removed, as the Scientists did not pay extra for the full version of Norton Anti-virus. Because of this, Biehn was only sent backwards a mere 100 years from his original existence, with apparently no wrong to be corrected. This time, Biehn inhabited the body of a Resistance Fighter named Kyle Reese, in a future where Machines have become self aware and seek to exterminate all remaining Human Life. With both him and James Cameron unsure as to what it was he had been sent to fix, he spent several weeks enjoying himself with the Resistance Army; finding himself more at home drinking, playing cards and blowing shit up than he did when he was a Chinese Farmer in the 17th Century.
He grew extremely close to the leader of the resistance, John Connor, being highly amused by his gung-ho attitude, loud, foul-mouthed antics, and how he would go on a huge rant whenever someone walked in front of him when he was aiming his plasma rifle at the nearest mutated squirrel. It was the closest Biehn had ever felt to being part of a family since his parents were killed. He was even given a picture of Connor's mother, Sarah; for sentimental values or some bullshit Biehn couldn't remember when he had leaped into my body and wrote this sentence, having been sent to fix this article's karmically imbalanced gramarrrrrr. Anyway, in some kind of sick way that only Freud would approve of, Biehn found the picture of Connor's mother highly arousing, spending hours on end gazing at it when it was his turn for guard duty.
Still in Holographic contact, James Cameron continued to whine at him for days on end, complaining that Biehn was getting nothing done. Biehn succinctly replied "Go Fuck Yourself", and proceeded to ignore him. When the resistance found that the Machines had created a Time-Portal to send a machine back to kill Sarah Connor, and therefore kill John Connor before he was born, Biehn volunteered himself to be sent back to protect her. This would be a very lucrative plan for Biehn, as he would get to protect his best friend, get James Cameron off his back, and hopefully have sex with his friend's hot mom when she was in her prime. He gave his fellow resistance fighters a fond farewell speech, flipped James Cameron off, and jumped through the portal in Kyle Reese's body, hopefully losing the Avatar initiative forever.
After what seemed like a year drifting through space and time, he arrived back in the year 1984. While being a veteran of time-travel, the technology used to send him back was still highly premature compared to AVATAR's, and had not been developed with humans in mind. He arrived with no clothes, several small burns and a massive migraine. Highly disorientated, he assumed he must have partied too hard and lost his clothes somewhere before passing out. He then proceeded to rob a nearby vagrant for his clothes before being interrupted by two patrolling policemen. In hot pursuit, Biehn broke into a nearby department store in order to find some clothes. While shopping, he slowly began to piece together his original mission of finding and protecting Sarah Connor while also trying to escape from James Cameron.
He tracked down and followed Sarah Connor to a Rave Club, where he found the atmosphere and imagery more disturbing than anything he had ever seen in the future. Freaked out, he pulled out his shotgun and tried to blast away what looked like the bouncer. By strange coincidence, it was actually the Terminator that had been sent back to kill her. After performing a few heroic commando rolls, as well as laying over 30 shotgun shells into the Terminator, he said to Sarah "Come with me if you want to live...", emphasizing that if she made him stay in that hell-hole any longer, he would kill her himself.
After outrunning the Terminator and the police by performing some evasive manoevers he learned when he was one of the Duke brothers from Hazzard County, he explained to Sarah his mission to protect her. At first she was highly resentful towards him, and he wasn't even sure he wanted to get laid anymore, but after her biting his hand and him saving her ass 18 times, she set aside her mistrust and grew warmer towards him. She then began to realize how hot he was, as she had always fantasized about dating a younger guy (technically over 300 years younger).
After spinning some bullshit to her about being a virgin, she agreed to sleep with him. He was so horny that he lied again to her, saying that the radiation from the nuclear war had rendered him sterile, and therefore would not need to run out to the nearest 7/11 for condoms. Like all males, it was fun at the time, but afterwards he lost interest in her, and began to worry that he had gotten her pregnant. He looked for an exit strategy, and tried sneaking out in the middle of the night, but was caught and then pretended that he was packing their clothes so they could leave together quickly in the morning.
The Terminator finally tracked them down, and a highway chase ensued, with them on foot being followed by the machine in a gasoline tanker stolen from Mel Gibson's mansion. Biehn disappeared briefly and then threw one of his homemade explosives in the tanker from behind. It exploded, and Biehn threw himself into a dumpster and closed the lid, hiding from Sarah Connor so she would think that he had been killed by the explosion. However, she saw him get in, so he pretended that he was merely taking cover, and had been wounded. The Terminator was not dead however, and chased them into a factory. He told her to run ahead, and in a rare selfless moment of Biehn's, charged the machine with the last of his explosives, blowing it in half, and killing himself in the process.
While dead, Biehn saw his entire life flash before his eyes, including all his time-travel adventures, and for the first time realized all the good he had done. God then appeared to him, and revealed it was he who had been making him leap through time and help people, in order to make him a better person than the shallow, vain Colonial Marine he once was. This only pissed off Biehn, so he punched God in the face. Although it did not knock God out, it did get him down on one knee, something that had not been accomplished since Chuck Norris went to heaven after trying to kill himself to see if it was possible.
To punish Biehn, God banished him to the body of his great Grandfather; Michael Connell Biehn at the age of 18. In order to warn his future self of what would happen, he turned to acting and wrote entire screenplays based on his leaps in time, in order for his future self to see them and know what to do. He even located James Cameron's great grandfather, and worked together to make several very successful movies based on Biehn's life.
Unfortunately, most of Biehn's other films were either critical or commercial failures, and many of his scripts were deemed to be financially unviable. He then turned to Alcoholism, and wasted 15 years of his life co-starring in awful Made For TV Movies. But after attending AA sessions and taking some acting classes, Biehn returned in some smaller roles, and recently even managed to get his screenplay for Planet Terror published and made by Quentin Tarantino's lover, Robert Rodriguez. It has yet to be decided in this new timeline whether Biehn will make a major comeback to the silver screen and succeed in his mission. Optimistically, if Robert Downey Jr. can do it, Michael Biehn definitely can.
Personal Life (Post-Reincarnation)
Since reincarnation, Michael Biehn has been married three times and produced six children just to make sure one of them will have a family that will eventually produce his future self in a few centuries time. Because of his extensive occupational experience over several vast time periods, as well as his many sexual conquests, Biehn has become a lecturer and spokesman for many organisations concerning Parenting, Sex Eduation, Careers and the Military. He is highly regarded by high school students all over the US as their favorite Sexual Education teacher, with his advice on teen pregnancy and parenthood being particularly helpful and interesting.
“It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!”
“The male orgasm can be controlled. You just disconnect it.”
He is also known in the military for his inspirational lectures on combat tactics and weaponry, with extensive and insightful answers to his students questions.
“I don't know. I didn't build the fucking thing!”
“I don't know. I didn't build the fucking thing!”
“I don't know. I didn't build the fucking things!”
Michael Biehn and Kurt Russell have both had a long-running legal battle with japanese video-game corporation Konami, over alleged plagiarism concerning one of the company's main franchises, Metal Gear Solid. The game's main character, Solid Snake, has been accused of stealing many character traits from both Michael Biehn's film portrayal of Kyle Reese, and Kurt Russell's character from Escape from New York/LA/Brokeback Mountain, Snake Plissken. Metal Gear creator, Hideo Kojima, has denounced these claims, saying:
“Oh, they both small time. No-one give shit aboud them. When rast time you see Michur' Biehn in anything, or Snake Prissken except for that rearry crappy movie about that guy who rikes having car crash while hot babe in seat next to him writh no seat belt. I no worry aboud them.”
They both plan to take Hideo Kojima to court, as soon as Michael Biehn manages to get enough money together to hire a lawyer, and as soon as Kurt Russell wakes up from his 6 year slumber.