James Bond gang
If you came here because you acknowledge the fact that Daniel Craig rocks so freakin' hard as James Bond, try not to laugh very loud at jokes shown here and scroll your mouse with caution - Craig may be somewhere near you right now. With his gun. And his """balls""".
“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”
“Remind me to kill Oscar Wilde for stealing my quote!”
“ Yes, Master...”
“ Jedi fags...”
The James Bond gang is a British criminal organization made up of James Bond impersonators who go around the world making movies, stealing money from people, seducing women, breaking speed limit laws, destroying private property, killing innocent criminals, terrorists, and fluffy white cats, saving the world, and drinking martinis. They are all Bad Ass Mother Fuckers.
Main Gang Members[edit | edit source]
All members are known as James Bond, "Bond...James Bond", 007 or Double-O Seven, though no one knows why. They like to drink martinis shaken, not stirred. And when not on a mission, they're in casinos seducing women and having sex with them. Jolly good show, old chaps!
Sean Connery[edit | edit source]
Sean Connery, born Sean Seamus Sean MacConnery Puffy Combs in Glasgow, Scotland is the acknowledged founder, leader, and head pimp of the James Bong gang. No one knows where exactly Sean Connery learned his mad skillz, but he is an acknowledged master of killing, espionage, spycraft, and drinking vodka martinis. He is the only man to have won the "Scotland's Sexiest Man" award permanently, and the first one to notice that "Sexiest" was misspelled as "Sexist", explaining why women seeing the past winner's trophy were not impressed.
In World War II, Sean Connery was drafted into the Scotch reserves which were deployed to Northern Ireland with the Darby O'Gill Brigades to put down the leprechaun uprising. Using their training learned on Whack-A-Mole games, they were successful.
After World War II, and with the beginning of the Cold War, Sean Connery realized there was money to be made as a bad guy for hire, since the great superpowers of the world stopped warring on each other but still wanted to spend money trying to defeat an enemy. Attending a VFW meeting, he hired the first other members of the James Bond gang, David Niven and Barry Nelson, both two other World War II vets.
The first mission of the James Bond gang was for Rock Hudson who personally selected Sean Connery for the job. Hudson said he was looking for 'a very bad boy' to do 'some things to some people having this party out in the Hollywood Hills', and provided Connery with the attire he'd need to 'blend in with the party'. Connery assumed he was being hired to rough up some partying kids, but was shocked to find out Hudson had hired him for a gay bondage sex party. This was the first time Connery's homophobic side came out, and he shot everyone at the party.
David Niven later commented to Connery, "He didn't seem like a poof. He plays a butch straight man on TV like a natural, so you'd assume he'd be a butch straight man in real life." Barry Nelson admitted, "I guess that explains why he has all the magazines of oiled-up, muscle-bound men in his bathroom. And I thought he was a closet weight-lifter all this time."
It was after this first job that Sean Connery wrote the official rules of the James Bond gang:
- - No pooftahs!
- - No member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching.
- - No pooftahs!
- - No not drinking after lights out.
- - No pooftahs!
- - There is no rule six.
- - No pooftahs!
- - Always be ready with a witty quip after you kill someone.
- - No pooftahs!
In his spare time, Sean Connery seduces women at either his ancestral Jamaican estate, or hunts chavs at his English home.
George Lazenby[edit | edit source]
Also known as "that Australian git". Little is known about him as no one really cares.
But if you really do want to know about George Lazenby, here goes: Found orphaned under a pool table in a bar called Wimmers' in Brisbane, Australia he spent the first two years of his life in the bar's lost and found box. When he finally outgrew the bar's lost and found box, the bartender realized he had to raise the kid himself. So George Lazenby was taught how to tend bar, as well as the ancient martial arts of bar fighting and drunken boxing.
Lazenby's big break came when an actor with a letter to join the James Bond gang appeared in his bar one night. The drunken actor kept bragging about how he was so good and an Academy award winner and how the Jews controlled Hollywood, which slowly began to annoy Lazenby. But then after sixteen Fosters, the actor (Joe Don Baker) revealed he had the letter inviting him to join the James Bond gang. Lazenby, taking his destiny into his own hands, picked up a bottle and smashed it over the actor's head, knocking him out cold. Lazenby stole the letter and headed off to America to seek his fame and fortune.
George Lazenby lasted only one mission because of his odd behavior. While the mission was a success, the rest of the James Bond gang was put off by Lazenby's strange behavior. Being an Australian and doing the very un-Australian action of not drinking lead Lazenby down the slow spiraling path to insanity. He began to wear kilts and see-through shirts, as well as acting Scottish. It was for this crime of acting Scottish that Lazenby was replaced by a rejuvenated Sean Connery. Since his replacement, Lazenby has not been heard from.
Roger Moore[edit | edit source]
An old, odd fellow, Roger Moore was sent out with the gang on seven missions only because he manipulated them all with his magical raising eyebrow.
Orphaned as a baby, he was sold by his parents to a Romanian traveling circus. During his childhood, he was taught the ancient carnie arts, including clowning, eating the heads off live chickens, juggling, scamming people of their money, how to be shot out of a cannon, and animal husbandry. At the age of two, Harry Houdini visited Romania, and taught the young boy how to perform the trick that would sustain him for his entire career: casually raising and lowering his right eyebrow. For his young life, he worked as a clown, but after hitting puberty, he worked as the bearded lady.
At fifteen, he was picked up in Minsk for shoplifting a truck of vodka and sentenced to 65 years of hard labor in a Siberian gulag. He was taught English by the KGB for use as a double agent and sent to the West in the 1970's. From there, he defected and joined the James Bond gang.
Using the skills he learned in the circus, Roger Moore's missions have taken him all over the world. Of the entire James Bond gang, he has racked up the most frequent flier miles and the highest number of illegitimate children. He has taken on Christopher Walken, Christopher Lee, and Herve Villechaize and lived to tell about it. While he has lasted through nearly the same amount of missions as Sean Connery, he still hasn't garnered the same fame, since his clowning background makes people take him less seriously. Using his natural carny abilities to scam people of their money, he has been to many casinos and won lots of money off of stupid people, enough to buy a palace in India where he stores his pet octopus.
During his time off, Roger Moore has also taken to the hobby of trying to become a saint in the Roman Catholic church, which later turned into the short-lived TV comedy "The Saint", which was then later picked up by FOX and turned into the reality series "The Book of Daniel".
He is also the first of the James Bond gang to make it into and in space.
Timothy Dalton[edit | edit source]
The illegitimate son of Frank Dalton, Timothy Dalton started his career as a files clerk in Wales. He worked his way up in the ranks and eventually began his own chain of bookstores, which he named F. Dalton Booksellers in honor of his father.
Dalton's life changed when on a trip to the Soviet Union he was approached by a citizen who offered to trade him some illegal Soviet books for a case of jeans. Noting the value of the books, he agreed to the trade and was taken to a small dacha outside of Moscow for the trade. He smuggled the books out of the Soviet Union on his journey out of the country on train by wedging them under the seat with a matchbook to avoid detection by the customs agents at the Finnish border, then once again avoided customs agents in America by disguising them as Russian religious icons.
This feat of smuggling impressed the James Bond gang so much he was brought on in the 1980's as a replacement for Roger Moore. While described as "one suave motherfucker" by Oscar Wilde, his career was short. His first mission was to seduce some Russian chick who wanted to defect to the West, and have sex with her cello. Dalton's second mission involved him foiling an extremely elaborate plot to smuggle drugs to Mexico to take over Utah in Of Mice and Men. Dalton's third mission involved doing two chicks at the same time, and offing a South American drug lord in his Panama casino. This last mission inspired the 1989 film directed by George Bush in which the United States invades Panama and captures drug lord and dictator Manuel Noriega.
In 1994, Timothy Dalton contracted an airborne STD and died. Seven weeks later, as prescribed in the Tibetan Book of the Dead, he reincarnated and became Pierce Brosnan.
Pierce Brosnan[edit | edit source]
Pierce Brosnan, also known as 'The Shit One', was born Remington Steele in Los Angeles, California to the parents of a British maid and butler illegally smuggled into Hollywood to work for Aaron Spelling. He briefly worked in Los Angeles as a detective before joining the James Bond gang after the Cold War.
During his career with the James Bond gang, Pierce Brosnan saw action and got some action across Eastern Europe, Russia, and Asia. His first mission involved stopping a former spy from blowing up a bank, inadvertently bringing Wall Street to a halt. On his second mission, he seduced and screwed a woman who later had to go into the Witness Protection Program, and she now enjoys a career as a desperate for sex housewife. His third mission including boffing some French chick in a casino, saving Istanbul from being nuked, and kicking the ass of a Scottish Trainspotting psychopath. In his fourth mission, he shagged Halle Berry, and went to Cuba and North Korea on vacation. After his fourth mission, he was released from duty, and THANK GOD HE WAS.
After his fourth mission, he took some time off to do freelance work in Central and South America. He briefly became the only tailor in Panama, and for a while was a matador, moonlighting as a retired assassin in South America.
Daniel Craig[edit | edit source]
Daniel Craig is the current James Bond(or, Mr Kiss-Kiss Bang-Bang, as he wants to be called). He brutally murdered Pierce Brosnan, then threatened to do the same to the team of producers and the director of the new James Bond movie if they didn't make him the next James Bond. Originally they refused, so he used that tactic from The Godfather of sticking a bloody horse's head in one the producers' beds. However... it was the producer's wife's head. Shortly thereafter, he, Craig, got the role.
Thanks to his acting skills and the fact that he is feared by the general populace, Craig has starred in two films but has already achieved great popularity, regarded by many as the best James Bond of all time. But fuck knows how...and fuck's not telling.
Not known to most, he also attempted to kill producer Albert Broccoli back in 1996. After being rejected for the role of Bond, he began plotting his revenge, and eventually found the perfect moment to strike.
During a cricket match, Albert Broccoli went into a washroom to freshen up. Craig followed him in, and began accusing the producer of conspiring to have him lose the role. Broccoli refuted the claims, but Craig persisted, causing the producer to become angry. Knocking Craig down, Broccoli proceeded to take a dump, but the actor became incensed. After pulling Broccoli out of the stall and beating the bloody hell out of him with a pistol, Craig then pulled his pants down and forced the producer to scratch his balls. He then shoved Broccoli's head into a urinal loaded with piss until the producer stopped moving.
After he had pulled up his pants and washed his hands, Craig bent to pick up his gun, but Broccoli, still alive, leaped up, a Luger in hand. Craig, knowing when his coolness factor was at its highest, immediately turned around and shot Broccoli in a dramatic gun barrel sequence!
Incidentally, Craig taped the fight and used it in the opening of Casino Royale eleven years later, probably the coolest move ever made by a Bond. EVER.
After the movie, Craig removed his reproductive organs and used them as a sacrifice to Sean Connery.
David Niven[edit | edit source]
Born and raised in Sneads, Ireland, brother to science-fiction writer Larry Niven, the son of William Edward Graham Niven and French/British Henrietta Julia de Gacher, who was born in Wales. He was named David for his birth on St. David's Day. His father died during the Gallipoli Campaign in 1915 and his mother remarried Sir Thomas Comyn-Platt. After attending Stowe as a boy Niven trained at the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst, which gave him the "officer and gentleman" bearing that was to be his trademark. He served for two years in Malta with the Highland Light Infantry. Niven often claimed that he was born in Kirriemuir, Angus, Scotland, which he believed sounded more romantic than Sneem.
During World War II Niven served in the British army, rising to the rank of lieutenant colonel in the British Commandos and landing at Normandy. He played in two films during the War, both of strong propaganda value: The First of the Few (1942) and The Way Ahead (1944). During his war service, his batman was Pte. Peter Ustinov.
After Great Britain declared war in 1939, he was one of the first actors to go back and join the army. Although Niven had a reputation for telling good old stories over and over again, he was totally silent about his war experience. He said once: "I will, however, tell you just one thing about the war, my first story and my last. I was asked by some American friends to search out the grave of their son near Bastogne. I found it where they told me I would, but it was among 27,000 others, and I told myself that here, Niven, were 27,000 reasons why you should keep your mouth shut after the war." He did finally open up about it in his 1971 autobiography, The Moon's A Balloon, however, mentioning his private conversations with Winston Churchill, the bombings, and what it was like entering a nearly completely destroyed Germany with the occupation forces.
After the war,David Niven joined the James Bond gang for a mission which involved blowing up an eastern European casino by using an atom bomb disguised as an Alka-Seltzer. The mission was a success, but the advertising campaign for Alka-Seltzer had to be changed from "Plop, plop, flash, BOOOOOOOOM!" to "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz" to make the product more appealing to people looking for a medicine to cure their upset stomach. His next mission involved staging a mutiny on a Royal Navy ship, and sailing it to Cuba to defect, a story which later came to be a book by Tom Clancy and then later a movie called "The Hunt for Red October".
David Niven was a master of disguise and has stayed on with the James Bond gang as a master of disguise.
“It really is amazing. Can you imagine being wonderfully overpaid for dressing up and playing games? It's like being Peter Pan.”
Barry Nelson[edit | edit source]
Barry Nelson (Jimmy Bond) was abused by Le Chiffre after winning a card game, but S.M.E.R.S.H. soon killed Le Chiffre. Jimmy Bond later joined the RAF in 1957. Jimmy bond was sent on a reconnaissance mission to The Soviet Union, Jimmy Bond in his Spitfire encountered 58 Soviet MiG-15s. Jimmy Bond made a few tears when he saw the 58 MiGs. Jimmy Bond was able to take out twenty planes, but his plane was heavily damaged by thousands or millions of small .25 ACP FMJ bullets. Jimmy Bond took his plane and crashed it into a lake. Jimmy Bond went to a local Russian bar to work as a bartender for a while. NKVD, GRU, and KGB agents found out that Jimmy Bond was working at this bar. When the agents broke into the bar, Jimmy Bond threw Molotov Cocktails, Vyacheslav Molotov did not appreciate being thrown at Soviet agents. Jimmy Bond drove away in his "stolen" GAZ 4 cylinder car,while three Soviet T-55 tanks, three BTR-152 armored personnel carriers, and six Soviet police cars chased him. Jimmy Bond's car was hit by hundreds or thousands of bullets and one 100 mm High Explosive Squash Head (H.E.S.H.) round, but Jimmy Bond survived with only one bullet hitting him that didn't any damage bones or vital organs. When he made it back to England,he decided to become a backup guitarist for The Beatles. After The Beatles found out that he couldn't play the guitar very well, Jimmy Bond was fired. Out of work, Jimmy Bond joined the James Bond gang.
Secondary Gang Members[edit | edit source]
M[edit | edit source]
Also known as Judi Dench, M has been heading up the support side of the James Bond gang since its creation at the end of World War II. M began her career disguised as an old man to avoid capture by the KGB, while she pursued her hobby of acting with her real face. However, since the end of the Cold War she has felt she no longer needs the old man disguise and now appears as a woman when she works.
M is a master of pushing paperwork, paying bills, pushing people around and firing slackers and being a nagging bitch. She first learned the trade during World War II when she became Dame Commander of the Royal Navy's Bathtub Fleet, earning the nickname, "The Evil Queen of Numbers".
The only time M has been allowed outside the office -other than for spring cleaning and fumigation- was in 2004 when the James Bond gang discovered a plot to assassinate Queen Elizabeth the second of England. The Queen was kidnapped and M took her place on the throne, serving as both bait and decoy to draw out the terrorists. The mission was successful, as always, and no one noticed the temporary change of clothes for the court, going from 21st century fashions to 17th century garb.
Q[edit | edit source]
Now a zombie (working as a door greeter at Walmart)
R[edit | edit source]
Also known as John Cleese, he was formerly a member of the Royal Air Force squadron, the Monty Python's Flying Circus during World War II. While an ace combat pilot and flying twenty five successful bombing raids over Germany, he also taught self-defense against enemies armed with fruit and served as a chaplain and dinner course in the cannibalistic Royal Navy. After the war, he worked as the Ministry of Silly Walks for a number of years until the lack of funding in the ministry forced him to quit, and briefly he was an unsuccessful architect before joining the James Bond gang.
While not a prominent member of the James Bond gang, he has aided them in various nefarious capers including stealing microchips and smuggling them out of the country in fish, running a hotel for rich people to meet hookers in, a fraudulent zoo, and most recently a race between six teams of humans for over two million dollars in a humiliating trail of trial across the state of Nevada. He also currently designs and builds all of the James Bond gang's equipment, as well as does television commercials for BMW.
New Q[edit | edit source]
Q's grandson, also known as I.Q. Has yet to do anything to make him a valuable member of the gang.
Z[edit | edit source]
Known for now knowing the ABC's. Often requests others to sing them. Bond's famous response: 'Next time, Z. Next time.'
Miss Moneypenny[edit | edit source]
Unlike other secondary members of the James Bond gang, she does not go by a single letter of the alphabet, though she has stated in the past she'd prefer "O" if it was available (which it is not).
Miss Moneypenny does many of the day-to-day and behind-the-scenes work of the James Bond gang, as well as other jobs that have multiple words and hyphenation. She delivers mail, takes phone calls, does the filing, plays as secretary, makes flight arrangements, shows people in, takes messages, dictates letters, gets fake IDs, and makes coffee for the James Bond gang.
Miss Moneypenny's unofficial job is "assistant" to M. No one really knows what those two do behind doors, though it's rumored that Miss Moneypenny has a masochistic side to her which pairs up nicely with M's bossy demeanor. However, this has proven sexually frustrating for all the main members of the James Bond gang, as Miss Moneypenny freely engages in suggestive banter with them, but they can never actually have sex with her, as M has forbidden Miss Moneypenny from having sex with men.
Sub Gangs[edit | edit source]
There have been many rip-offs of this gang including
- The Mission: Impossible Gang
- The Get Smart Gang
- The Indiana Jones Gang
- And Possibly the Fifth Doctor Who Gang
Who was James Bond when you were born?[edit | edit source]
“I was born in the Timothy Dalton era.”
See Also[edit | edit source]
- James Bond
- Mr.T
- Chuck Norris vs Jack Bauer
- orange soda
- Rammstein
- On His Majesty's Secret Service
- Quantum of Solace
- Dr. Yes
- fnord
- Cary Grant