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April 1: April Fools' Day

  • 1926 - April Emily Fools is born to Herb and Emma Fools in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
  • 1930 - April begins her life outside the limelight when her sister Judith is born.
  • 1938 - At the age of twelve, Fools first shows an interest in baking when she helps her grandmother, the well-known Rose Fools, bake cookies.
  • 1942 - April suffers her first true heartbreak when her sister Judith makes the cheerleading squad over her, gets the lead in the school play, and steals her boyfriend Johnny on the same day.
  • 1944 - Fools lands her first job, working at a tank tread manufacturing plant in downtown Milwaukee.
  • 1949 - After a lengthy engagement, April marries Albert Cranston in Madison, Wisconsin.
  • 1952 - Upon the suggestion of a friend, April begins a small baked goods business from her own kitchen.
  • 1955 - April and Albert welcome their first child into the world: Richard Cranston, named after his paternal grandfather.
  • 1957 - The Cranston family welcomes their second child, Judy.
  • 1969 - April enters a deep depression after her sister Judith dies of pancreatic cancer.
  • 1971 - April enjoys what she would later describe as "the rush of a lifetime" after appearing on a local television program instructing children how to bake brownies.
  • 1978 - Albert and April become grandparents to Henry Cranston.
  • 1994 - April Emily Fools-Cranston passes away in her hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Milwaukee Herald declares her birthday a national holiday.

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They're all dead now. It's an old picture.

April 2: National Refrigerator Day (Paraguay)

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The Rite of Spring, you had to read the alt text to get it didn't you

April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Day

  • 1220 - Rampaging crusaders drive a trebuchet through the walls of two towers in Ancient Syria.
  • 1666 - Sir Marquis Baron Vivaldi walks to the crossroad and sells his soul to Satan
  • 1888 - Vivaldi composes new record "A Change of Four Seasons", inspired by regressive metal band Dream Theater.
  • 1945 - Scientists discover that if you play John Cage's 4'33" backward you'll hear someone cough, but backwards.
  • 1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
  • 1986 - D.J. murder rate at all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of The Smiths.
  • 1996 - Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature, and killing like six people.

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Taaaaaaaaaaaax.... cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuts...

April 4: National No Spamming Day (Iraq)

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Kids fighting.jpg

April 5: National Bullying Day (Scotland)

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Fire 3.JPG

April 6: Arson Wednesday (New Zealand)

  • 612 - Arab popstar Mohammed declares he is "more popular than Jesus now."
  • 1522 - Mary had a little lamb. Yankee Doodle claims to be father.
  • 1593 - John Greenwood, English Congregationalist, hanged. His last words: "Get this fucking rope off of me!"
  • 1999 - Chinese Democracy is released and subsequently pulled off shelves after the U.S. Government denies reports of its existence.
  • 1935 - AT&T formed. Its first disgruntled customer is created moments later.
  • 1955 - Hell freezes over, Devil forced to skate to work.
  • 1985 - Video games are first cited as a precursor to juvenile delinquency.
  • 1994 - Kurt Cobain's attempt to win a posthumous Grammy backfires tragically.

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"Uhh that's a Utahraptor not a–OHMYGODITSEATINGME"

April 7: Raptor Jesus Day

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Stop playing "Smoke on the Water" you stupid cat.

April 8: International Things That Rhyme With "Bat" Day

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April 9: Stereotype Dismissal Day (France)

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¡Disfrute de un buen café!

April 10: Smoke-'em-if-ya-got-'em Day

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Fuck you, John Milton.

April 11: "Fuck You John Milton" Day (U.K.)

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If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

April 12: Narcolepsy D....zzzzzz

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Umm, it's actually about corruption in games journalism...

April 13: Shower With Your Best Friend Day (Singapore)

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A dark day in American history

April 14: Pull My Finger Day

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Why didn't you get on the door Jack what are you a dumbass

April 15: Sinking of James Cameron's The Titanic Day

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Handsome, boy does he know it

April 16: 42nd Josef Stalin Appreciation Day (World)

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"Eh, it was the 1910s, who wasn't committing genocide am I right?"

April 17: Genocide Appreciation Day

  • 1783 - America wins its war for independence. Agrees to continue the British policy of deindianization.
  • 1915 - The Armenian Genocide begins, Turkey declares it to be a startling coincidence.
  • 1932 - Joseph Stalin pays the clouds twelve rubles to stop raining in Ukraine, everyone dies.
  • 1940 - Adolf Hitler attempts to cleanse Europe of Jews and other minority groups, but creates antibiotic resistant Super-Minorities in the process.
  • 1967 - The Beatles write "Hey Jude", (German for "Kill everyone named Jude"). People are oblivious.
  • 1994 - The Rwandan Genocide begins, survivors of this tragedy glad that their suffering begot the critically acclaimed Don Cheadle film Hotel Rwanda.
  • 2016 - The Americans commits horrible genocide against their own brain cells, the rest flee to Canada.

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Queen Elizabeth brutally suppressing anti-monarchical sentiments in British Columbia [1955] [Colorized]

April 18: Dependence Day (Canada)

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April 19: Clitoris Awareness Day

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yon hyaku nijuu moyase!

April 20: Smoke Weed for Baby Hitler Day (Germany)

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April 21: "We Are Totally Romans" Day (Italy)

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Oswald jamming.jpg

April 22: National Try To Assassinate The President Day (U.S.)

  • 1609 - Council of Antes declares that peas will henceforth be eaten with a fork.
  • 1882 - First obscene phone call made, crude equipment mandates heavy breathing when careless whispers can not be heard.
  • 1962 - Lee Harvey Oswald (Pictured) fucks up first attempt to kill JFK so badly the attempt goes unnoticed until 1986, when a remodeling crew fixes the bullet hole.
  • 1970 - The Partridge Family thinks it loves you, but what is it so afraid of?
  • 1981 - A second failed assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan takes place, the shooter's motive being Reagan's films which the shooter declared, "sucked".
  • 2002 - WWE star Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson invents the ability to refer to himself in the fifth person.
  • 2022 - Darth Vader gets his voice box fixed after decades of agony.

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Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down...

April 23: Bring Your Penis To Work Day

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Oh God I feel it.

April 24: Regretting Eating Those Novelty Chocolate Easter Bunnies Day (U.S.)

  • ∞ BC - Time begins, to the disappointment of trillions.
  • 1353 - Badger maulings reach record levels in Europe.
  • 1704 - The first regular newspaper is published in America: The Boston New-Letter, containing overly-opinionated columns and hyped-up headlines. Circulation soars.
  • 1856 - The word chairman is introduced to the Oxford English Dictionary as "A person with a proclivity to stand sitting."
  • 1862 - The American Civil War on spelling begins, the letter 'u' in 'color' being the first victim.
  • 1995 - The most amazing child on earth was born, sadly, he was born in Croatia.
  • 2005 - George W. Bush declares, "America is officially full," all immigrants rerouted to Nunavut.

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National Obesity Day

April 25: National Obesity Appreciation Day (North America)

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Nothing's gonna change my world, nothing's gonna change my world.

April 26: Hyperbole Day!

  • 1764 - Hyperbole day founded in the most spectacular ceremony since the dawn of time.
  • 1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's amazing! Not like I'd tell you, though.
  • 1901 - President Teddy Roosevelt mounts his wife: BULLY!
  • 1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever. Aside from the racism.
  • 1983 - The worst day in the history of the universe, God himself mourns. (Pictured)
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting! Good job, Mr. President! Let the void take you!
  • 2016 - The best night I've ever had. Ever! It felt so good! Say goodbye to cats!

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Flying Pig.jpg

April 27: When Pigs Fly Day (Chile)

  • 1368 - The Big Bad Wolf is found guilty of vandalism and mouth robbery, and is sentenced to 30 hours of social work.
  • 1509 - Pope Julius II places the Italian state of Venice under interdict. The interdict arose from finding the state warm and moist.
  • 1520 - Magellan arrives in the Philippines. The locals invite him in for some dinner.
  • 1555 - You are born, but die of cholera by age eight. You don't remember this previous life because you were born a moron.
  • 1945 - USA and USSR meet for the first time in Germany, starting a love affair to last several decades.
  • 1949 - Texas becomes the first US State to outlaw Cheese, following the discovery of a Soviet covert cheddar ring operating in Houston.
  • 1966 - NASA scientists propose using Dusty Springfield's 11-mile tall bouffant to get to the moon.
  • 2011 - Pigs are observed actually flying in the Southern United States.

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Spirited Away...

April 28: Amateur Internet Porn Day

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¡No pasarán!

April 29: Annual Belly Button Lint Harvest (Peru)

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*freeze frame* *record scratch* You're probably wondering what I'm doing here...

April 30: Painfully Outdated Pop Cultural Reference Day ('Nam)

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