Franklin D. Roosevelt
“I won't stand for this!”
– FDR on Polio
Frank the Tank | |
|---|---|
 Portrait of FDR. Out of frame to the bottom: Wheelchair. | |
| 33rd President of the United States | |
| In office January 20, 1933 – 1945. Too long! | |
| Preceded by | Herbert Hoover |
| Succeeded by | Harry Truman |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
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| Died |
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| Political party | Democratic Oligarchy |
| Spouse | His cousin |
| Children | A lot |
| Alma mater | Harvard and Columbia, just like any other rich kid |
| Occupation | Professor X wannabe, politician |
| Penis nickname | Willy on Wheels |
| Accomplishments | WWII president, founder of government bureaucracy, longest-serving president |
Franklin D. Roosevelt (also referred to as "Frankie on Wheels" Roosevelt) (1882 - 1945) was the Jesus of the United States of America during a period in which he held America's popular government hostage with the aid of endless fireside chats that left people viewing him as a Jewish mother-in-law. He was elected to an unprecedented four terms in a row by divine right. He famously created his theocratic campaign slogan: "Don't change malevolent god-kings in midstream." Despite the obvious handicap of being unable walk, he led his nation to great heights until America was forced to make a late entry into World War II in 1941.
Roosevelt, more popularly known as FDR, successfully hid his crippled status from view for his entire reign. He had been badly maimed and lost the use of his legs during 1921, when Emperor Hirohito comically dropped an anvil on him from atop a rickety ladder, rendering him paralyzed from the waist down. After overcoming this and other adversities early on in his life, Roosevelt secured the presidency as the Democratic candidate in 1933 in the wake of an embarrassing trio of Republican presidents.
Living up to his promise of making things better for Americans during the Depression years with his catchy "New Deal", Roosevelt just simply refused to quit when the job was done. In the end it became necessary for drastic action during his fourth term, when he was finally assassinated by poor health on April 12th at the request of embarrassed former president Herbert Hoover. Unfortunately for American morale, this meant archrivals Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini were able to outlive their beloved cripple by an impressive two weeks. In the wake of FDR overstaying his welcome as president, Americans agreed that "two terms was enough" and added the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. However, this did not account for "family ties" in the early 2000s.
Early life and family[edit | edit source]
Roosevelt was born on January 30th 1882 to parents James and Sara Roosevelt. Please pay attention here, because we are only going to say this once: Teddy Roosevelt was not an immediate family member,[1] so don't you dare go asking that again.
Born into a wealthy New York family that traced its ancestry back to the Netherlands, Franklin enjoyed all the perks of the upper class, such as money, large plots of land, an inside track into politics and many generations of inbreeding, proven when he later married his fifth-cousin-once-removed.
Although he was mainly home-schooled until the age of 14, he did attend Public school in Germany for some reason at the age of 9, where he earned the nickname "Frankie-D." Here he made enemies with Adolf Hitler by making fun of his crappy stick-figure drawings he made in math class. Hitler vowed vengeance, to which Franklin replied with "Yeah, what are you gonna do, retard?" Hitler didn’t take this lightly, so he decided to invade Poland, this upset Francis a lot as his betting accumulator had Poland to score over 2.5 goals.
FDR had attempted to run for president in 1900, despite only being 18 years old and not reaching any qualifications. He managed to receive 2 votes, one from himself and the other from a homeless person he slipped 50 cents to on election day.
Franklin then began courting his child playmate and fifth-cousin-once-removed, Eleanor Roosevelt, a niece of Theodore Roosevelt. In 1903 Franklin proposed to Eleanor, and after resistance from his mother, they were married on March 17, 1905 [2]. After their wedding Franky and Anor decided to honeymoon in The Congo, spreading the word of their Lord and savior Freddie Mercury.
Roosevelt's Political Career[edit | edit source]
Serving a staggering twelve years in office, Roosevelt was the longest reigning president in the country’s history. His administration was ingenious and rallied the suffering nation’s spirits better than any other candidate of the day. It was Roosevelt’s rigorous New Deal which helped to pull the United States out of the Great Depression. It was his double-barreled Remington which opened the banks.
As a lawyer, Roosevelt held an impressive court record; he never lost a single case. His time at Columbia Law School had given him prominent regulation skills, but his youth in the streets of New York provided him with an indomitable vivacity. Each time his case seemed on the brink of destruction, he would miraculously pull his double-barreled Remington shotgun from his tote bag and blast the opposing attorney dead. When asked to explain his actions, Roosevelt would slyly say, “Your honor, with no defense, what is the point of proceeding?” Old Faithful, the natural geyser in Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming, is named after Roosevelt’s "most trusted resource."
Roosevelt's Career in Terrorism[edit | edit source]
That bastard was not a terrorist, he was a damn COMMUNIST! He served many missions with Al Gayda. Eleanor was his wife and his cousin, which is not wrong okay, he just married his cousin! He also hates America, who doesn't? I hate everyone including newborn babies. We should kill all of them! But then he realized that he did have a brain and wasn't a Republican. It was then that single-handedly destroyed both fascism and communism in the United States.
Time Spent with chicks[edit | edit source]
During the early 1890s A young (and by young I mean old) Franklin Roosevelt teemed up with an old (and by old I mean young) chick in his pants. The duo were known for picking fights, drinking hard, and often TPing Castle Greyskull. Most of FDR's understanding of politics came from the time he spent with the chick in his pants.
Disability[edit | edit source]
Franklin Roosevelt is historicly known as "The only president with polio." Yet many do not know that what really caused his disability of the legs was when in 1905, his uncle, Theodore "Tenacious D" Roosevelt, stage-dived onto him after an opiate-induced impromptu speech on top of the White House. To spare the family embarrassment, the disability was blamed on polio.
Marriages[edit | edit source]
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Franklin Roosevelt was first married to Sappho of Lesbos(560BC to 540BC) then later in the 20th century to Elenor Roosevelt and later in the 21th century to Ellen DeGeneres, Anne Heche and Portia De Rossi. With the last marriage ending after the California "Governator" Arnutt SchwarScoredaMaid changed the marriage legislation so that a man can have only one dyke at a time in accordance to Arnutt's own petty newfound religious beliefs. How FDR was able to have all these marriages across different eras remains a mystery to this day.
Assassination Attempt[edit | edit source]
Some anti-commy named Emperor Hirohito decided to take out FDR by dropping an anvil on him in comedic fashion. The assassination attempt mostly failed, only rendering poor Franklin a cripple for the rest of his life, and ultimately backfired when FDR, wanting revenge, single-handedly used his unfeeling legs to strangle Japanese soldiers, singlehandedly winning numerous battles for the Allies during World War II.
Walkin' On The Sun[edit | edit source]
After successfully creating the world's first cyborg llama, FDR headed to Vegas to hang out with Hitler for a couple of years. It was here that his first (and most successful) studio album, entitled "Walkin' On The Sun" was recorded. He would later divulge the fact that the album was actually inspired by his year long on-foot trek across the sun's surface.
With the help of Hitler, FDR then created a heat-resistant trampoline which he jumped on for over 10 hours before making it high enough to be pulled back to earth via gravity (the force). As soon as he returned, he high-fived Hitler after punching Hitler directly in the face.
It's been thought that Hitler held a grudge against him and alike any Southern Democrat colonel, he invited him to a draw but FDR declined.
Early presidency[edit | edit source]
During the early days of his presidency he simply sat in his chair and at midnight he would emit a loud fanfare and let out a screech that could be heard across the entire country. "IT IS THE (day number of presidency) OF MY PRESIDENCY," he would exclaim joyously, "PLEASE SUBMIT YOUR HOLIDAY PLANS TODAY AS IT PLEASES ME TO READ THEM!"
New Deal Legislation[edit | edit source]
- FDR, in an attempt to increase his mobility, created the "rockets for wheelchairs" program. During the testing for which, 3 dozen vietnamese sweatshop workers were killed.
- In his first term, passed the "Socks and Sandals" act, which allowed the Germans to virtually molest our eyes with their hideous sense of fashion.
- FDR passed a law that gave him, like James Bond, a license to kill, which he used often.
- In his third term, he became the first president to establish a colony of adorable kittens on the planet Mercury. Sadly, every single adorable kitten was burned to a crisp within half a second of their arrival.
- FDR legislated to change the dreaded term "Socialist" to "People's Heroic Leaders".
- And most of all, FDR only cared about the white poor from the then-Dixiecratic South, the New Deal didn't apply to his fellow Mahogany-toned Americans.
“The New Deal was a failure because of FDR's failure to help the rich. What's all this crap about the poor? What have the POOR ever done for me?”
Super-Powers and Business Plot of 1933[edit | edit source]
Possessing many different abilities, Roosevelt was able to transform lead into gold, breathe fire, and recite the epic poem “Beowulf” in its entirety, forward as well as backward, in the traditional Old English. His most famous display of power came in 1933, when the Business Plot was formulated, an unsuccessful coup assembled by many wealthy businessmen to overthrow his administration; citing the imminent threat of a dictatorship, they sought retribution at the Veterans of Foreign War Convention of 1934.
It was Prescott Bush, father to future President George H. W. Bush, who was to be appointed as leader of the operation, but matters never got underway. Roosevelt had been overseeing their progress in his castle atop Whiteface Mountain in his native New York, spying on their every move through his crystal ball. The night before their strike on the White House, Roosevelt telekinetically transported into their headquarters and vaporized their resources with his heat vision.
After destroying communism, Roosevelt realized that he could no longer live in the White House, especially since he had burned it down. He found a studio apartment located in a small province in Northern Canada. Here, he met up with Hitler and the two embarked on many "shenanigans" together, even going so far as to dabble in "tomfoolery." After the duo time-travelled to 1987 using FDR's superpowers, the duo made headlines after an eyewitness identified them as the couple who senselessly "gallavanted" on Rodeo Drive while wearing several layers of clothing and using Juliette Lewis for roller skates. The two were later acquitted of charges when it was discovered that the eye witness was in fact the flaming carcass of a dead hobo, but this did not put an end to their "escapades."
Things came to a screeching halt in 1998 when FDR failed to show up to help Hitler with a drug deal in Argentina. In fact, Frankie played a prank on Adolf, seeing if he would actually do it, and bailed when Hitler was arrested by Argentina's goat police. Adolf was sentenced to "death by snu-snu" after he was found guilty of Grand Theft Auto, Vehicular Manslaughter, 27 counts of First-Degree Murder, First-Degree Assault with a Deadly Weapon, and Kitten Huffing. Having finally gained trust in Roosevelt, Hitler was devastated by FDR's betrayal but somehow fought off the locals and hitch-hiked his way back to Germany in the year 1938. With a head full of steam, Hitler vowed revenge on FDR, invaded Poland, and ratted FDR out to Emperor Hirohito. Shocked that FDR was still alive AND the President of the United States, Hirohito ordered an all-out assault on Pearl Harbor. After FDR's personal yacht was among the boats wrecked on that "Day which will live in infamy", FDR declared war on Japan.
Roosevelt and World War II[edit | edit source]
Upon the United States’ plunge into World War II, Roosevelt gained Winston Churchill and Joseph Stalin’s esteem by utilizing his masterful skills of intimidation. On November 28, 1943, he forced them to watch as he wrestled and killed a Kodiak bear with his bare hands on the lawn of the Iranian conference. Later that night at the Tripartite Dinner Meeting, Roosevelt ate a live bulldog with a bicycle chain and a rusty fish knife.
“You simply could not overlook the symbolism in his act,” Churchill said. Stalin was less eloquent – “I kill thousands of people every day, but this man…he has my respect.”
During the war, Roosevelt had to do a juggling act for supplies among his commanders, namely Hitler, Stalin, Hitler, and Hitler. Roosevelt was able to solve the problem by literally using them as juggling balls and telling them to make peace. Marshall then ruled out having Roosevelt directly take command of the troops, fearing that his use would be a war crime.
Death[edit | edit source]
Franklin D. Roosevelt died on April 12, 1945 in Toilet Water Springs, Cal. (east of Palm Springs) after he overdosed on marshmallows, suffered a heart attack, fell and hit his head. He was 64 years old. Showing just how hard he was, on the third day he rose again, and dug his own grave with his bare hands. He was finished within five minutes.
It's been said that a crazed little marshmallow man assassinated FDR by purposely being swallowed, then puncturing all his vital organs, but that's bullshit.
Another theory was the Mob, made up of his fiercely loyal Catholic ethnic base did a "hit", placed his crippled white legs in a bucket of cement and thrown him into the Warm Springs water with the "fishies".
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ They were fifth cousins if you must know, but that hardly counts as "related"
- ↑ https://newyorka.info/uk/eternal/zhyttya-aktyvistky-feministky-ta-pershoyi-ledi-ssha-eleonory-ruzvelt
See also[edit | edit source]
| Preceded by: Herbert Hoover |
President of the United States 1933-1945 AD |
Succeeded by: Harry Truman |
