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June 1: International Children's Day

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Showing off on his motorcycle to some high school chicks would seal his fate.

June 2: Doris Day

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This day's a bit shit, don't worry there'll be others.

June 3: Rhymes With Turd Day

  • 1958 - The hit song by The Rivingtons, "The Turd is the Word" makes the top 40.
  • 1971 - First invasion of the Kurds.
  • 1977 - Melvin Rogers becomes first person to be arrested for DUI. How'd they know? His speech was slurred.
  • 1980 - First all nude production of Richard the Third.
  • 1990 - Name calling and liberal locker stuffing thwarts the first revenge of the Nerds.
  • 1998 - The Rhymes With Turd day is officially abolished, putting an end to a day so absurd.
  • 1999 - Damien Hirst tries making an internal rhyme with Hirst and Turd and is yelled at for being a ponce.

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It gets worse when you're older.

June 4: International Smack-A-Kid Day

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June 5: Vampire Appreciation Day

  • 1879 - Politics invented, price of shit skyrockets due to high demand.
  • 1956 - Walt Disney is frozen and his head incinerated in a series of funny mishaps.
  • 1973 - Henry Kissinger mistakenly orders the CIA to overthrow the government of Chile, Kissinger later says "oops" to media.
  • 1989 - The people of Germany celebrate the fall of the Berlin Wall, are later disappointed to learn the Capitalists won.
  • 2001 - God sues Google over Google Earth due to breaching copyright.
  • 2002 - Nosferatu flickers the lights at a local burger joint, to the relief of the workers therein. (Pictured)
  • 2009 - Twilight movie is released, vampires protest at gross misrepresentation and are subsequently annihilated by the sunlight.

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For my birthday my mother bought a tres leches cake from Soopers.

June 6: Happy Birthday Satan!

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June 7: Execute a Journalist Day (Iran)

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"If Guy Fieri can pull it off, why can't I?"

June 8: Your Friends are Totally Trying to Kill You Day

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June 9: Moose Conservation Day (Canada)

  • 1920 - First solar-powered air balloon launched at night.
  • 1926 - First refrigerator invented, used to kill people slowly and coldly, scientists decide it is better to use a refrigerator to keep food cold instead.
  • 1940 - The team of scientists at Los Alamos construct the world's first nuclear weapons after the US government's promise to only use them for peaceful nuclear bombings.
  • 1969 - Sex is created, scientists do not think it will be a big hit.
  • 1988 - The VHS video entitled Steal This Movie becomes the world's most widely stolen merchandise. Politicians baffled.
  • 1993 - The case of Pot v. Kettle goes to the Supreme Court.
  • 2003 - Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies notches its record breaking 500th lawsuit.
  • 2005 - On this Moose Conservation Day, nothing moose-related is mentioned.

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June 10: Try a New Crappy Foreign Cuisine to Seem Cultured Day

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Why is there a serviette on my head?

June 11: Ontological Empiricism Day

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How to Get Away with Murder: 1) Be rich. 2) Don't be poor.

June 12: Elephant Flossing Day

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...I'm Humbert Humbert, so European, all over your kids, I keep on peeing / My prose so haute, though you might forget, I'm a dirty old rapist and a piece of shit / I wandered all over, till I shot Hugh Hefner, and my girlfriend's dead 'cus I'm a sex offender / The State of Florida has asked us to disclose our sexual crimes to you...

June 13: Double Entendre Day ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)

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June 14: Really Long Events Day

  • 1882 - Longest breath holding contest starts in Aberdeen, Scotland. Contestants have still refused to breathe, on account of being dead.
  • 1939 - German engineers unveil longest train in the world. As of 2024, giant line of old men are still waiting to fuck a skeleton.
  • 2001 - Scientists find a very long worm, not by any means a world record breaker, but still very long.
  • 2009 - Experimental artist creates world's most tortuously long song, it is just "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train, with no modifications whatsoever.
  • 2012 - Man discovered to have the longest penis, but since it starts way up in the clavicle it's only two inches on the outside.
  • 2019 - You wait for a package from Amazon, it takes two days to get here! What the fuck?

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odGay isyay eadday.

June 15: Pig Latin Day

  • 1488 - Iyay allowway inyay ymay espairday, ikelay ymay indkay allowway inyay udmay, orfay Iyay owknay ethay eathday awaitingyay emay illway otnay ebay eacefulpay.
  • 1492 - Iyay illway ebay eweredskay andyay icedslay andyay eatenyay ithway arumgay andyay edray ineway.
  • 1504 - ereWhay isyay ymay othermay? ereWhay isyay ymay atherfay? eyThay avehay eenbay eatenyay ybay ethay Imperatoryay, eythay ereway oastedray onyay ayay itspay, eirthay inskay edray andyay ispcray ikelay ethay applesyay eythay ivegay emay.
  • 1511 - Iyay owgray atfay, ymay outsnay akedcay ithway udmay, Iyay eesay ethay eyesyay ofyay ethay atherfay'say ildrenchay, eythay ungerhay, orfay atwhay Iyay amyay.
  • 1526 - Iyay amyay otnay ayay oulsay, Iyay amyay aconbay.
  • 1544 - eThay ifeknay isyay atyay ymay oatthray. Iyay eesay edray, Iyay eesay ymay isionvay imday, ymay eetfay aggeddray otay ethay aughterhouseslay. ilenceSay unendingyay. Iyay ieday owingknay Iyay avehay onay oulsay.

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"Mama, what's that in the sky?" "Food, dear boy, food."

June 16: World Hunger Appreciation Day

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Business in the front, Grand Old Party in the back.

June 17: Presidential Mullet Day (U.S.)

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Jude Law DOESN'T count!

June 18: High Flying Women's Day

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I can taste it just looking at the picture.

June 19: Synthetic Cheese Product Day (Netherlands)

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I vow to thee my country all Earthly things above...

June 20: Have a Nice Day

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As a Cancer, you should avoid any foods with carbon and stop browsing the internet for this day

June 21: Midsummer Night's Dream

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Fries with gravy and cheese seems like the least French thing ever, what the fuck Quebec.

June 22: "Oops My Bad" Day

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You can feel the cringe give you shivers, can't you.

June 23: Burn Your Middle School Sonic OC Fanfiction Day

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June 24: Pray for Someone Else to Do It Day

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Buttcheeks cold like the winters in Koochiching county.

June 25: National Redneck Day (U.S.)

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Drugs are bad mkay.

June 26: Onanism Day

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June 27: Atheists Using Mithraism as an Argument Against the Existence of a Historical Jesus Day

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June 28: Adamand Eve in Nairobi & Iceland, Obliviousness Awareness Day in Chad

  • 1493 - Unimpressed by Columbus' attempt to reach the Far East by sailing west, navigator Ernesto de Borgnine attempts to reach the Americas by sailing East. His ship crashes into the Cadiz docks thirty seconds into his journey.
  • 1619 - Nostradamus predicts that everyone will die someday, including the music.
  • 1745 - Sharon Stone begins her first retirement at the age of 57.
  • 1851 - Franco-Pakistani War ends in a draw after a sudden death match.
  • 1922 - The bloody war between Chile and France ends abruptly when both countries realize that they don't have common borders to fight over.
  • 1945 - Everyone too tired from the end of the war to do anything at all.
  • 1947 - Obliviousness Awareness Day declared in Chad.
  • 1973 - Scholars discover the first gay couple, Adam and Steve, in Israel.
  • 1980 - Earthquake in the Chinese village of Bu-Chu-Fu. Millions die.
  • 2009 - One of our greatest, Billy Mays passes on to infomercial heaven. You can get Billy Mays and for a limited time only, his charisma for not one or two but three eternities!

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June 29: Make Crude Jokes About Genitals Day

  • 1194 – Sverre is crowned King of Norway, beginning a long reign of Danish Kings with unpronounceable names.
  • 1542 – The comic strip Calvin and Hobbes debuts, lightheartedly poking fun at such contemporary topics as the Protestant Reformation. (Pictured)
  • 1884The Picture of Dorian Gray is released by Oscar Wilde, consisting largely of crude jokes about genitals.
  • 1965 – The auto accident starting the "Paul is dead" hoax occurs in England.
  • 1972 – The U.S. Supreme Court rules the death penalty could constitute 'cruel and unusual punishment', particularly the more outlandish methods of carrying out the sentence, such as Texas' legendary alligator tank.
  • 1999Prince continues to party.
  • 2009 – Millions of Americans suffering from insomnia are miraculously cured when Jimmy Fallon receives his own late night talk show.

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June 30: Dare A Younger Sibling To Eat An Insect Day (pictured)

  • 3000 BC – Cain dares Abel to eat a scorpion. Abel does, and falls dead. Cain tries to explain it was an accident, but nobody will listen.
  • 1500 BC – Aaron dares his younger brother Moses to eat a scarab beetle. Moses does so, and the gritty taste convinces him to lead his people from Egypt.
  • 1859Oscar Wilde, despondent over not having a sibling to dare to eat an insect or be dared to eat an insect by, consumes an earwig.
  • 1921 – U.S. President Warren G. Harding appoints former President William Howard Taft to the Supreme Court, after Taft successfully attempts to eat a small quantitiy of mosquitoes.
  • 1959 – American actor Vincent D'Onofrio is born, paving the way to a career of acting as though he had just accepted a dare to eat a rather nasty-tasting insect.
  • 1971 – Ohio ratifies the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, lowering the voting age to 18, and lowering the threshold at which younger siblings are no longer required to accept bug-related dares to 16.
  • 1999 – The Court of Bermuda sentences Erik Deli to death for putting mosquito paste on his younger brother's sandwich.

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