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Contrary to popular belief, Sherlock Holmes was not, in fact, a Silhouette.

December 1: Sherlock Holmes Day

  • 2 - Advent calendars invented. In pre-chocolate Eurasia, children open doors to reveal grains of sand.
  • 1887 - Sherlock Holmes appears for the first time in a dazzling sheer white silk tafetta evening gown, creating an instant sensation throughout the Victorian world.
  • 1891 - Holmes is killed by Professor Moriarty, brought back three years later in "Arthur Conan Doyle Needs Money."
  • 1897 - Holmes disappears over Switzerland's Reichenbach Falls, only to reappear three years later on the northern shoals of Lake Lugano as a giant squid.

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New! Filthy Viking Soap!!

December 2: International Boring Nordic Culture Heritage Day

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Don't Droppings!

December 4: e-nternashonal Badt Ingrish Daiye

  • 1999 BC - l337 5p3ak 15 kr34t3d
  • 1776 - Da You-S de-feat Ingrand een Teh Wor off Eendie pen dance
  • 1918 - Wootroow Weelsoon, taht vas zum presidant zum der Ooonitid Steeeets, goeing tu Verseis en sa-id sheep too speek off piss toks vith teh kontrees, hoo fuight en WWW1.
  • 1993 - FR4NK 24PP4 dooes.
  • 1999 - Sum idyot furst zpealls "owned" vronglee ass "pwned"
  • 2006 - Und Jeebus sayd undo da poepple, "Whoom doo yoo tink eye am?", und da poepple repped, "You are the exhiological replication of our being, the vast immiturication of a higher homosapianism, the essence of zoology.", und Jeebuz sez, "Eh?"

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LIFE® is a trademark of the Quaker Oats Company: Fake Quakers, Real Oats!™

December 5: Unwanted Advertising Day (U.S.)

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December 6: International Day of the Jackal, Take Your Pants Off for Cancer Day (Utah, observed), Indifference Day (Finland), National Public Pooping Day (Denmark)

  • 1901 - Chicago woman gives birth to Walt Disney, who immediately sues her for copyright infringement.
  • 1935 - First known accusation of pedophilia made against Woody Allen when he is caught staring at a hot Asian infant in the next crib.
  • 1969 - Neil Armstrong becomes the first man to play Calvinball on the Moon, outsmarting opponent and fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin by chanting an immunity poem and planting his flag, automatically earning himself 144 Elephant gnuts and claiming the Rank of "Duke of Ham Sandwich".
  • 1975 - William Herbert explains Reimann symmetry in a quasi-formatic manifold to sea lions at a Dutch park.
  • 1982 - A man from Denmark refuses to stop shitting in the carnival rides. Twenty-seven hour police standoff occurs.
  • 2010Bruce Willis is declared legally bald.

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"No, seriously. Who is he?"

December 7: Official Who The Hell Is Spartacus Day

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Dalai Llama meet Llama Jesus in 1990.

December 8: Llamas Against Chinese day/ The Death of Metal

  • 1000 BCE - A little Chinese Prince was holidaying in Tibet. Whilst he was innocently trying to feed a local Llama some grain it viciously bit him. And so began countless millenniums of conflict.
  • 1231 - The Dalai Llama seduces Chinese king, but after they'd been going steady for a couple of months the Llama cheats on him with Kubla Khan. Chinese king calls the Llama a slut and finds a less attractive rebound girlfriend and cries himself to sleep for a month.
  • 1567- The Dalai Llama tells all the other Central Asian leaders that the Chinese King is gay.
  • 1911 - Llama tells Sun Yat-sen and Yuan Shikai that the Chinese Emperor said that their mothers were terrible cooks.
  • 1931 - Llama mentions to Emperor Hirohito that China is pretty shit and that he might as well go in and take over. Then he whispered quietly in the Emperor's ear that if any Japanese are looking for easy women Nanking is the place.

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December 9:

  • 1337 - Time for a plagarized, boring, cliched, 1337 reference! L0L!!1!ONE@
  • 1946 - The Doctors' Trial (for crimes committed during episodes of Doctor Who), begins at the BBC.
  • 1958 - The John Birch Society is founded to fight the perceived threat of certain types of trees.
  • 1967 - Canada invades Greenland, prompting what most historians regard as the most boring war in the history of mankind.
  • 1976 - The CIA fabricates much of the Western United States from Balsa wood and duct tape.
  • 1982 - December 8 outstays welcome.

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No bell for you!

December 10: Nobel Prize Awards Day

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December 11: - Asian Boom day

  • 1229 - Pope Gregory IX deletes thirty-one days from the Gregorian calendar, during a Florentine siege of Rome that had prevented toiletries from entering the city.
  • 1841 - Oscar Wilde imprisoned for practicing heterosexuality in England without a Royal permit, a capital offense.
  • 1941 - Germany and Italy celebrate for the first and last time "Let's Go To War With Russia Day." Italians and Germans regret this decision by 1945.
  • 1941 - Mao Zedong suggests to rename "Chinese demographic boom" to "Yelow bang". Due to unpopularity of this idea among his generals, all of them were executed.
  • 1953 - Trans-dimensional squirrels attempt a coup on the Kremlin but are driven back after the Soviets break wind in unison, creating a tear in the fabric of the universe into which the invaders are obliterated, nuts and all.
  • 1983 - A passenger airlines goes Boom over the South China Sea. Only the pilots and hostesses survive after they are seen moments before the explosion floating in a rubber dingy thousands of miles below. Thank you for flying AirChina.
  • 2005 - Face of Oscar Wilde is seen in a frozen pizza
  • 2009 - All forms of international combat are banned by the UN. From this point on, international disputes are decided by caged death matches between the leaders of conflicting nations.
  • 2009 - Annual 'Try Communism Day' is celebrated by the people of Lancashire
  • 2010 - Lancashire appoints Ted Dansen as Director of the Communist Party
  • 2011 - President Ted Stevens brutally beats Hu Jintao to death in a cage match, completing his domination and conquest of every country on Earth. Ban of weaponry two years earlier regarded as "a mistake" by most UN officials not already killed by Ted Stevens.
  • 2012 - The Uncyclopedia website announced that it was the 11th November.

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"Get it? Huh, huh? D'ya get it?"

December 12: Unfunny Joke Day (US) Wooly Animal Molestation Day (Wales)

  • 1594 - Pickle loaf first made with dill dough.
  • 1806 - Napoleon keeps his armies up his sleevies - a French word for chocolates.
  • 1862 - Three baby seals walk into a club.
  • 1900 - A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
  • 1901 - Not learning their lesson, the same minister, priest and rabbi walk into a bar, knocking their heads. .
  • 1929 - As a year, was really long and hard. That's what she said.
  • 1933 - Hitler ties his shoes with little Nazis.
  • 1945 - Joshua Ben Cohen discovers that finding half a worm in an apple is actually preferable to being a prisoner in Auschwitz.
  • 1957 - Farmer Frank Peters in Kentuckistan leaves his gate open long enough for one of his chickens to cross the road.
  • 1962 - Larry, a dog from Indiana, loses his nose when it is attacked by some drunk teenagers. Disgusted by his dog's hideous injury and not having enough money to pay a vet, the owner releases the injured dog into a forest on the other side of the state. After a few days of being fly-blown and delirous with pain, the dog begins to smell badly.
  • 1964 - Researchers for the American Horror Book Readers Organization discover that many "Ghost Writers" are employed to write tales that involve ghosts. There is much laughter all round at the irony of this fact.
  • 1965 - A boy takes a ruler with him to bed to see how long he slept. When he awakes, Leonid Breznev, the General secretary of the Soviet Communist Party, hits his stopwatch and informs him that he slept for 9 hours and 35 minutes. He also tells the boy that there are easier ways of finding out these facts and to please not call him again.
  • 1966 - Not learning his lesson, the boy takes a saddle to bed, in case he has nightmares. He is sent to a gulag.
  • 1981 - AIDS is unleashed upon the world by Jesus.
  • 1984 - A baker robs a bank because he needed the dough - which he was able to steal from the lunch room which had its own bread maker, owned by a number of staff members who loved to eat fresh bread at lunch time.
  • 1986 - So this guy comes into a bar, AW CRAP, sorry I said that wrong, it was suppose to be a donkey.....So this guy comes into a Donkey.
  • 1987 - 3 men walk into a bar, one of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole joke plays out with a tedious inevitability
  • 2002 - I hold a bukkake party, but nobody comes.
  • 2003 - A man has the left side of his body amputated. He's alright now.
  • 2004 - A clown is removed from a swing by hitting him in the face with an axe.
  • 2005 - Uncyclopedia is created.
  • 2005 the Third - In Soviet Russia, unfunny jokes don't laugh at YOU.
  • 2012 - The month, year and day are the same number for the last time in the century.

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December 13: International That Guy Day, Speak with a British Accent Day (UK)

  • 10000 BC - Ug Nug Fug Nug is born, the famous musician responsible for the creation of the violin and other various sexually orentated musical instruments (ie the sexualin).
  • 1067 - William the Conqueror invades the previously uninvaded British Aisles.
  • 1732 - The Royal Opera House opens at Covent Garden, London. Screaming bitches heard from miles around, causes widespread riots.
  • 1808 - Count Henrich von Flammenweffer invents Lava as a way of preventing skiers from taking over his favourite mountains in the winter.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler invents oral sex and asks his enemies to blow him.
  • 1940 - The French blow Adolf Hitler.
  • 1942 - No people born on December the 13th, due to National No-Birthdays day. Experts attribute this phenomenon as having to do with a worldwide feeling of "I don't feel like getting any ass today" in mid March.
  • 1992 - Bob like pie
  • 1992 - Someone actually ate my shorts.
  • 2002 - Fraidai the 13th, Satan renamed Hell to "Bloody Hell"
  • 2003 - Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein found hiding in a camel hole during Operation Bomb-The-Towel-Headed-Sand-Brigand, and captured.
  • 2003 - SARS becomes the new iPod.
  • 2005 - On the twelfth day of Christmas, My true love gave to me, A summons from the local JP...
  • 2008 - Uncyclopedia was teleported into an alternate universe where this sentence did not exist. It was returned to normal just now.
  • 2012 - Dyslexic people celebrate that the world didn't end with the Mayan calendar yesterday. Everyone else still nervous.
  • Today - That guy realizes that this is the only one about him even though it's his day and gets really really mad.

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This is so cliché

December 14: World Cliché Day

  • Long Long Ago - Some French guy misplaced his patent for creating the English language.
  • 1735 - Pie was discovered
  • 1911 - Welsh explorer Roald Dahl and his team become the first people to reach the Giant Peach.
  • 1929 - Hitler realizes he has very little time to finish his Christmas shopping, and subsequently freaks out while in line at Wal-Mart. Chaos ensues.
  • 1991 - Scientists first start working on Packaged Bread Without Crust™. For the next 10 years they will go to countless parties with other scientists and feel like they are working to find the cure for cancer.
  • 1992 - It was discovered that Bart Simpson ate my shorts.
  • 2000 - George W. Bush receives his first gay blowjob. In return for the favor, George W. Bush and his government maintain a very friendly line towards homosexuals.
  • 2001 - 10 years in the making, Packaged Bread Without Crust™ is finally introduced as a prototype to the Bimbo company.
  • 2004 The Kitten army begins to prepare for their mass masturbation strike for 25 December during the Human vs. Kitten War. Strike kills 250,000+ humans.
  • 2004 Post it notes claimed another victim in Paris. Rioting ensues. The PostIt-note war began.
  • Today - The first day of the rest of your life.
  • Tomorrow - Another day.
  • The Day After Tomorrow - It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
  • 2101 War was beginning...

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How cruel.

December 15: International Day of Björk (Iceland)

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Obocop, get it?

December 16: Fun With Typos Day

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Now that's what I call a Force Choke

December 17: Sea Turtles Choking on Star Wars Memorabilia Day

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December 18: Suicidal Ideation Day

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What a waste.

December 19: Shit! I Forgot to Pick My Blueberries! Day

  • 1714 - Shit, are those my blueberries? I could've sworn I picked those way back in August.
  • 1936 - Jesus Fuck. I was supposed to pick those blueberries (Pictured) months ago!
  • 1984 - Fuck me. I always forget about those fucking blueberries. I even set a fucking alarm. Fuck, why does this shit always happen to me.
  • 2004 - These blueberries are frozen solid. They're like ice now. Completely inedible.
  • 2009 - Even if I thaw it out it's gonna taste like freezer burned limes. I might as well just throw it out.
  • 2014 - Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
  • 2017 - Maybe I should go back to trade school, maybe I wouldn't need to worry about blueberries no more.

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Oh yeah?! You goin' down!... to the Juicing Room.

December 20: "Oh yeah?! You goin' down!" Day (New Jersey), Blueberry Harvest Season officially ends (you missed it)

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It could be worse...

December 21: Personal Hygiene Day

  • 678 BC - Sodomy discovered in Greece.
  • 677 BC - Death penalty instituted in Greece.
  • 631 BC - The War of 1812 ends.
  • 521 BC - Two slightly inebriated Mayans and a French guy come up with an ingenious way to scare the shit out of the future population of the Earth by the means of a calendar.
  • 477 BC - Stinky Greek hobo Socrates roams the streets of fudge packing Athens, claiming he knows nothing. As a result, the goofy Greeks regard him as the greatest sage that ever lived.
  • 322 BC - Megalo-maniac Alexander the Great turns out to be a regular fag. In a letter to Aristotle, he confesses that the smell of male toil 'turns him on'.
  • 10 BC - Roman emporer Politemus IV invents the square wheel. Round wheels were outlawed under pain of death.
  • 1500 - Middle Ages officially end; Europeans can finally start taking care of their personal hygiene little by little.
  • 1939 Hitler invades France. After realising he would never make them wash he turned toward Russia
  • 1967 The interrobang is discovered. The horrible revelation drives its discoverer instantly insane.
  • 1979 Star Wars Episode XXXIV: The rising of Darth Leia comes to theaters
  • 1982 - Sudan wins "Least Hygienic Country In The World Competition" for the first time. The African country has held the title ever since.
  • 1984 - The first horseman of the apocalypse descended to herald the coming tribulations, but no one noticed apart from John Greeves, a homeless alcoholic from Brighton, England.
  • 2000 - The bearded Taliban commanders state personal hygiene is against the will of God; in Afghanistan, pretty much the worst place ever.
  • 2001 - UK prime minister Tony Blair is voted "Best Looking Twat" by the readers of Womans Realm magazine.
  • 2004 - Barry Scott surpasses Batman as the Queen of Clean with Clitoris Bang.
  • 2005 - Bermuda Triangle mysteriously disappears.
  • 2006 - Personal hygiene forced upon France by new EU ruling. The French promptly withdraw from the EU. All traces of the bathtub are destroyed and the french quickly return to smelling of bad cheese and garlic. Celebratory riots last into the new year
  • 2007 - Man discovers that the white stuff on your tongue causes your breath to smell like shit. The Government promptly forces everone to brush their tongues.
  • 2012 - World Ends only to be repopulated seconds later.
  • 2017 - Saw XVI is a deathday movie which kills anyone who watches

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"Do I know you?"

December 22: Dead Meme Appreciation Day

  • 5000 BC(ish) - God plans to make perfect woman from an arm and a leg, Adam says "What can ya do with a rib?"
  • 600 BC - YHWH creates woman - twice
  • 0000 - The Blessed Mother Mary's contractions begin
  • 1000 - Spaghetti Monster creates sex.
  • 1231 - God creates Vaginal cancer to spite Spaghetti Monster.
  • 1337 - Counter-Strike is invented
  • 1589 - Japan announces the release of the Hello Kitty Vibrator.
  • 1666 - Manhattan is sold to the Knicks for 24 virgins, an extreme rarity in the area. They immediately re-sell it to Donald Trump.
  • 1923 - LSD is first manufactured, diarrhea of epic solar proportions ensues.
  • 1933 - William Butler Yeats is found dead in a bear cage at the local zoo.
  • 1954 - Film Actors Guild (FAG) is founded
  • 1974 - Gay men blame women for AIDS.
  • 1989 - The end of the world as we know it. Surprisingly, most people are either indifferent or quite fine about the whole thing.
  • 1989 - Pixies send Monkeys to Heaven, Anthony gives Cleopatra a crate of brown ale.
  • 1991 - Man loses his religion, but later finds he left it in the corner, silly man.
  • 2005 - Pussy flavored ice cream invented.
  • 2006 - World peace declared.
  • 2007 - England nukes Wales. Nobody cares.
  • 2012 - Everyone realizes they're not dead.
  • 3434 - Vin Diesel is cloned from one of his last remaining pubic hairs, discovered in Margaret Thatcher's vagina.
  • 5000 - Science descovers a "female orgasm", she was faking...
  • 2111 - New form of moe discovered, turns out to be the same kind of popular moe anime at the time, but with more robotic titties.

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A Festivus for the rest of us!

December 23: Festivus

  • 1402 - Frank Constanza invents Festivus, "a holiday for the rest of us."
  • 1888 - Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh cuts off part of his left ear, sells it on eBay for three times the list price.
  • 1938 - Immigrants from the Old Country bring over the Festivus Pole (Pictured) to America, get rid of the tinsel as it's "too distracting."
  • 1954 - The first successful piano transplant is performed, following failed attempts on organs and harpsichords.
  • 1970 - Ted Cruz molts for the first time! He eats the scaly residue for sustenance.
  • 2000 - Competing holiday Christmas Eve Eve gets laughed off the room by good, correct people.
  • 2006 - Your uncle makes a scene during the Airing of Grievances, makes the rest of the day awkward.
  • 2007 - You and Your mom duke it out in the Feats of Strength. Your Mom promptly beats your ass.

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I remember the time I knew what happiness was...

December 24: The Day Before the Day After Christmas Eve

  • 4 AD - Some smelly Middle-eastern refugee takes shelter in a poo-littered barn, gives birth to an anchor baby.
  • 1877 - Christmas Island is discovered and named "Christmas Island", to the surprise of the Christmas Islanders.
  • 1814 - The U.S. and the U.K. sign the Treaty of Ghent, ending the War of 1812, after the two sides discovered that it was in fact 1814.
  • 1914 - During WWI, German and British troops take a break from murdering each other to celebrate another year of shitting in trenches and dying of diptheria.
  • 1945 - Five children disappear in a West Virginia house fire: their remains are later found and used as crass Halloween decorations.
  • 1968 - The crew of Apollo 8, the first mission to orbit the Moon, realize they left their presents back on Earth.

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December 25: I wish it could be Christmas everyday!

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Remember kids: You can use your holiday packaging to make a festive Boxing Day display!

December 26: Packaging Day/ Useless office memorandum day / The one day women poop. It smells like roses. International Go to the Pub all afternoon and Have a row with the Missus Day

  • The 3rd day of creation - God creates the useless memorandum
  • 0 - Rudolph catches everlasting cold after night out, condemned to permanent red nose.
  • 17 - Jesus recovers from a "wicked birthday hangover" and cleans up the house before his parents get home.
  • 35 - Stephen the Protomartyr gets stoned off his ass.
  • 931 - Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen; when the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even;
  • 2002 - Last recorded Vowel movement for God. In an indirect response to this anniversary, God decides to take out His frustration on His rich children every year after-wizard.
  • 2003 - Devastating spongecake in Ham because they owned too many fairy cakes, and Bob makes them play.
  • 2004 - Realising he has nothing to bitch about Bob Geldoff creates devastating Tsunami.
  • 2004 - Devastating toffee in Southeast Asia because they owned too many fudges, and Bob makes them play.
  • 2004 - The idea for Deal or No Deal created on Boxing Day after Noel Edmonds was trapped in a box, the producer of the show opening it and gasping, before thinking 'hey, why don't we do that with something valuable in the boxes?'
  • 2005 - Devastating jam tarts in Central America because they owned too many biscuits, and Bob makes them play.
  • 2006 - Devastating shelves falling over in Iceland because they owned too many products, and some hooligans tipped them over.
  • 2007 - Mars destroyed during the War of the Worlds, because there were too many martians and God ran out of ways to make them pay, but the bacteria killed them.
  • 2008 - Mars destroyed bacause the Bible has no recorded evidence of Martians, and God makes it pay.
  • 2009 - Devastating red hole wipes out universe, and God makes no two pay.
  • 2010 - Devastating white hole wipes out red hole, and God makes no one pay.
  • 2011 - Devastating white hole wipes out God, leaving no one to make no one pay.
  • 6325 - Despite the discovery of the lost pelvis of Richard Belzer, our world still sucks.

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Yeah... that don't look good.

December 27: National Anniversary Day, Invention of the Artificial Vagina, International Last Thursday of the Year Day

  • 42 - 9th anniversary of the first anniversary.
  • 1831 - Charles Darwin boards the HMS Beagle, and begins his lifelong mission to undermine God and all that is decent.
  • 1954 - Nikita Khrushchev is promptly "dealt with" by the KGB. Long live the glorious Soviet Union!
  • 1969 - Boxing Day causes many deaths from internal bleeding as its meaning is misinterpreted.
  • 1990 - World Peace War declared on UNO by UNO members
  • 1999 - Eye losht thie annyoual seplling be tanks two thie vord anywarsary.
  • 2004 - Deciding that he does like Mondays, Chuck Norris kicks Bob Geldoff into tomorrow
  • 2005 - 5th anniversary of the universe exploding violently.
  • 2007 - Major cleanup after Boxes from Boxing day wipeout half the human population.
  • 2008 - King Kong does Eeyore in the honey tree, Donkey Kong is born!
  • 2009 - People discover what boxing day is actually about, it is promptly canceled.

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Simply stunned at his victory.

December 28: Penis Appreciation Day (Not Lesbos), Day of the Not-so-Innocents (Spain, Portugal, South America)

  • 23 - Penis apreciation day invented by Jesus. Not realising his mate Judas and the entire roman army was less well hung he would regret it one day.
  • 1963 - Paul Hindemith's pancreas explode, killing him a second time and 36 others a first time as he flew over Lakewurst, New Jersey. The music community rejoices once more.
  • 1969 - Santa Claus' funeral is held. Millions mourn.
  • 2004 - Deciding they also liked Mondays superheroes planned a combined assault on Bob Geldoff. After an hour of the Hoff's singing and Mr T's pittying the devastating blow came when Darth Vader told Geldoff who his father was. This caused him to spontaneously combust all over Pauline Fowlers scowl.
  • 2006 - Uncyclopedians lose count at the sheer number of anniversaries with Penises in them.
  • 2007 - World economy goes into meltdown as penis appreciation day lasts until August 15th 2008. This only ends when lesbians attempt to seize control of the earth. Millions would die in the conflict
  • 2009 - It is rumoured that Bob geldoff will return to fight the final battle between good and evil one day. The Vatican, the CIA and Micheal Stipe all deny this.
  • 2072 - America elects its new Emperor, The Noid.

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In Russia, picture adds you.

December 29: National "In Soviet Russia, Soviet Russia talks like YOU!!" Day

  • 1348 - In Soviet Russia, anti-Semitic mob kills JEW!!
  • 1809 - In Soviet Russia, road forks YOU!!
  • 1918 - In Soviet Russia, state revolutionalizes YOU!!
  • 1926 - In Soviet Russia, television watches YOU!!
  • 1945 - In Soviet Russia, World War II wins YOU!!
  • 1952 - In Soviet Russia, freedom has YOU!!
  • 1953 - In Soviet Russia, nothing has YOU!!
  • 1954 - In Soviet Russia, subversive literature is not allowed to write YOU!!
  • 1955 - In Soviet Russia, married can get YOU!!
  • 1956 - In Soviet Russia, the law has equal rights under YOU!!
  • 1957 - In Soviet Russia, onlookers are looked upon as strange and possibly insane if they wear no clothes and start barking like dogs in public places to YOU!!
  • 1958 - In Soviet Russia, peace can die in YOU!!
  • 1959 - In Soviet Russia, hooker pays YOU!!
  • 1969 - In Soviet Russia, moon lands on YOU!!
  • 1982 - In Soviet Russia, the last recorded bowel movement has YOU!!
  • 2000 - In Soviet Russia, Y2K bugs YOU!!
  • 2001 - In Soviet Russia, iPod listens to YOU!!
  • 2004 - In Soviet Russia, idiot reelects YOU!!
  • 2112 - In Soviet Russia, control assumes YOU!!
  • The End - silence

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Always Kills Governments, Always!

December 30: Last Chance To Do All The Things You Wanted To Do This Year Day

  • 4004 BC - God remembers to create the Earth. Oh, and everything else, too. Except for sliced bread.
  • 4 BC - Emperor Augustus remembers he was gonna have a census this year! Having missed his opportunity, he proclaims, "Let there be a day upon which all things previously contemplated throughout the last year finally be at once accomplished! Except for tomorrow. But shhhh!" Thus, the "Last Chance To Do All The Things You Wanted To Do This Year Day" was inaugurated.
  • 41 - Calligraphy, the gayest of Roman emperors, forgot to sign the will making his goat the next emperor thus ensuring the slavery of goats for two and a half millennia.
  • 1037 - King Arthur loses the holy grail to Nigerian timeshare scammers, crusades ensue.
  • 1609 - King Charles the III of Lorraine dies, but nobody cares.
  • 1928 - Fart was discovered to be a wave not a partical since two people at two different places can smell it at the same time.
  • 1999 - Procrastinators think about preparing for the Y2K bug, but put it off until December 31.
  • 2002 - Saddam Hussein realises he forgot to send George Bush a Christmas card.
  • 2004 - Weren't we gonna start a parady of wickerpedialyte? Yeah? Shit! Better luck next year.
  • 2005 - Forget it! If it ain't done, wait 'til next year.
  • 2005.8 - The letter "U" is now a bad word.
  • 2006 - Saddam Hussein executed for forgetting to send Bush a Christmas card. Again.
  • 2007 - Some guy decided to add his own entry in the anniversaries section before the year is out, but nobody cares.
  • 2007 - This entry was not added. Except in error, and other minor US towns.
  • 2012 -- The Mayans remember to end the world with a BANG!
  • 2017 - Wal★Mart sends in the Giant Smiley to crush the government of Botswana in order to create one giant store next to the redneck country South Africa.
  • 2541 - Goats regain their freedom thus changing December 30 from "Last Chance To Do All The Things You Wanted To Do This Year Day" to "Goatcheese Liberation Front and Gift Packet Day" (except in New Guinea).

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December 31: Fuck, What Did I Do This Whole Fucking Year? Day

  • 2000 BC - The Ancient Sumerians are the first to observe the New Year as a way to celebrate their slowly impending deaths.
  • 1788 - The Scottish convince the world they need to sing at New Year's Eve at midnight, write a song whose lyrics are completely unpronounceable.
  • 1900 - The first glowing ball thing that drop when the year ends is invented, initially as a terrorist plot by Irish extremists.
  • 2010 - Manufacturers of those novelty glasses shaped like the number of the year start to worry.
  • 2017 - Novelty glasses makers give up and just make normal glasses with the years put on top like a bunch of fucking cowards.
  • 2023 - You think to yourself: next year's gonna be the year I get my shit together, I'm gonna lose 10 pounds, quit drinking, start opening up to people...
  • 2024 - It's a year later, and yet another year has come and gone with nothing to show for it. Maybe next year...

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