Soap
“Hell no, I never use it.”
“Right, what the hell kind of name is Soap, eh? How'd a muppet like you pass selection?”
Soap (abbreviation Sp) is one of the Atomic Elements and for that reason, must never be dropped. Its Atomic Mass Number is 236 (just next to Uranium), although in nature the unstable isotope Sp 325 is much more abundant. The three condensation states of soap (solid, liquid and gaseous) are respectively known as:
- Soap bars
- Liquid soap
- Soap bubbles
History[edit | edit source]
The Guy Who Invented Soap[edit | edit source]
- Full article: UnBooks:Biography: The guy who invented soap
The Guy Who Invented Modern Soap[edit | edit source]
In the western world, Soap was accidentally discovered by chemical-anthropologist Otto von Schustenberg (1890-1945), and his assistant, jOHn Soap (1902-1929), during his famous inquiries among a nomadic tribe in northern Skandia (nowadays Lapland).
Having noticed the unusual shining bright skin of the tribe members and their seemingly supernatural ability to not die of disease by age 30, he could explain it as a consequence of their usage of a whitish, viscous substance as a body-paint during their tribal rituals. By means of chemical analysis of this substance, he excluded all the possible known candidates (such as seminal liquid), and finally made the discovery. He named the new element "Soap" after the Hindi word "Sahib" which means "white man". The reference to jOHn Soap was merely a coincidence, and he died a forgotten man with only a half-used bottle of Johnson's® Baby Bar Soap to his name.
Early Use of Soap[edit | edit source]
Early in the 18th century, soap was used to wash the words asshole, shit, mama, damn, God dammit, and cocksucker out of small children's mouths. The procedure involved grating a bar of deodorant soap between the child's front teeth and was practiced for 100 years or so until the 1980's. This was when the liberals took over the school systems and banished soap, ass whippings, math, and all forms of barbaric disciplines from the general public and instituted the me generation. Another deciding factor was the advent of liquid soap. You can't punish foul mouthed children with mouth watering and delicious watermelon, cucumber, or key lime flavored soaps.
Toxicity & Lethality[edit | edit source]
Soap is among the most dangerous substances in nature. By means of chemical synthesis, a very powerful kind of drug can be extracted from Soap, known as Soap Opera. Its abuse can severely damage brain cells, leading to major neurological diseases and it is the first cause of death among housewives in many western countries.
Another lethal application of Soap is the chemical weapon known as "The Slippery Floor", which can be obtained by combining Soap and water with a simple chemical procedure and spreading it on a flat horizontal surface. This infamous weapon -banned by all International Treaties- has been successful employed in a number of terrorist attacks on restaurants all around the world.
A floor contaminated by Sp-H2O will reverse to normal Slipping Values usually after a period of a few hours, depending on environment variables.
Soap in Common Life[edit | edit source]
Soap is a word associated with bad sex, as in the phrase "I need a whore bath if I'm going to engage in casual sex with some stranger because I'm too damn lazy to take a shower. After all, why go through all the trouble when I'm going to immediately require another shower after sex anyway. I mean, for God's sake, now I'm talking three flashing showers in one day." I don't think so, dude, especially after the water company raised their rates last March.
Warning: Never Drink Liquid Soap. This will cause your mind to deteriorate to the point you think that you can actually drink soap. You seriously do not want to go there.
On the contrary to common belief, soap has many side-effects. Such side-effects may include, but are not limited to:
- Sexually transmitted diseases (Bar soap) (Only if previously used by a Norwegian prostitute named Olga)
- Death if consumed in mass quantities. This was a popular form of suicide the day after Barack Obama was elected. (See Black Jesus). Soap is now sad because it is no longer as commonly used for suicide. Bleach has taken over the cleaning product suicide since 2009
- Rape. (Don't bend over to pick it up)
- General Cleanliness and Reduced chance of Disease
- Slipperiness of the genitalia
Trivia About Soap[edit | edit source]
- According to archeologists, usage of soap as the only source of food in spite of its toxicity, was the main reason which caused the total and sudden disappearance of Maya civilization. Soap is also believed to have killed Jesus.
- Soap is made up of a bunch of stuff that when mixed with stuff, can be used to clean stuff off other stuff
- Bubble Soap Explosions (short form: BuSE) which occur as a natural phenomenon in the lower atmosphere are both a risk- since their destructive nature- and a source of renewable energy, although their random appearance is still a major obstacle to this purpose;
- Giant BuSE occurs also in outer space, originating from the so-called Gamma Ray Farts
- Soap was rated the sixth greatest discovery by National Geographic Magazine in 2002.
- It can detect papercuts of absurd size. Like, small.
Uses[edit | edit source]
- Soap has been adapted for military purposes by the US and Iceland. The rest of the world has yet to catch on.
- Soap is a very powerful repellent of vampires, evil spirits, and nerds.
- Soap is used as fuel in the majority of NASA's space crafts. This explains why they do not work.
- While highly inefficient, soap can be used as a power source for electrical devices in the absence of electricity. After a few minutes, everything explodes.
- A common way for women to propose to guys is to present him with a bar of soap, then devour his skull while he is blinded.
- Many believe that soap will grant immortality to any who drink it. This is false. It actually only works for men.
- If you bury soap in the ground and frequently water it, it will grow into a soap tree within a few years. Contrary to its name, money grows on soap trees, not soap.
- Soap is a suitable environment for many different types of microscopic life. It is often used by scientists harvesting midgets.
- Due to the high scarcity of cannabis in South Wales, many have turned to substituting it with smokable Soap Bars.
- Soap was a popular television show in 1982. Imagine - sitting around the living room watching a bar of soap for 30 minutes.
- Soap is the natural enemy of geeks
It causes which Zodiac disease?[edit | edit source]
In addition to being a word in the English language that you're not supposed drink, soap is the chief cause of geminitus. Unfortunately, it has proven impossible to recall from stores, as the damn stuff just slips right through your fingers. Aw, shucks!
Don't Drop it![edit | edit source]
If you drop your soap in the shower, never try to pick it up, unless you enjoy rectal violation. If you do drop the soap, the guys next to you will become unimaginably horny and forcefully compelled to have Hard Shower Butt Sex with you, even if they're straight. Science has tried to explain this phenomenon, however all that the studies have currently resulted in is a lot of wasted soap and a lot of sore asses.
What Isn't Soap[edit | edit source]
A very important resource on the internet, Wikipedia, which allows bureaucrats to edit your entire life story altering the past itself makes a very important point. Wikipedia is Not Soap, unfortunately, there have been several freaking documented cases of inmates scrubbing with Wikipedia, and then dropping their Wikipedia in the shower and being immediately rectally violated.
Cool Soap Facts (soap trivia 2: the retarded inferior version of what is above)[edit | edit source]
Soap Fact #1: Soap was invented by Thomas Soap when he tried to wash his hands with water twice at the same time.
Soap Fact #2: If you buy soap, and soap, and soap, and soap, and soap, and more soap, and even more soap, you will have a lot of soap.
Soap Fact #3: Unfortunately, soap operas are not about soap, and that is very disappointing. We should probably make one about soap.
Soap Fact #4: 188 degrees Fahrenheit will cook soap, but if you heat it to 188 degrees Celsius, you will have spicy soap. If you heat it to 188 degrees Soapsius, on the other hand... nobody has ever tried that. We are worried about what might happen.
Soap Fact #5: The only known attempt to heat soap to 200 degrees Soapsius has resulted in the creation of Soapzilla. We're never doing that again.
Soap Fact #6: The Soapsius scale goes DOWNWARDS as the temperature gets "higher." That makes sense because the higher you get, the "lower" the temperature gets, apparently, so, shouldn't it be that the higher you get, the "higher" the temperature gets? The only country that uses a scale like this is Soapistan, located in Soap America.
Soap Fact #7 (for real this time!): It takes several weeks for soap to dry, if you leave it out to dry for a long time. This is called the "cold method" of making soap, which is why we are putting it in the oven, to save a whole lot of time. But still, this will take a whole lot of time, a couple hours. You've gotta take the soap out every thirty minutes or so... or soap.
Soap Fact #8: Soap is not an acceptable replacement for the English word so, although we would all like it to be.