Captain Price

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“It's about time someone appreciates my work and make something about it. I've asked the people on Wikipedia to create an article about my life but the bloody wankers refused, after all I've done in World War 2 and such. At least the people on Uncyclopedia show me respect.”

~ Captain Price on this article about him.

“You either die a Hero...or live long enough to see yourself become captain Price”

~ Wolverine on Captain Price
Captain Jonathan Price
Captain Price2.jpg
First appearance Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare <===Whoever put that is the reason we have eugenics. Call of Duty 1
Last appearance Modern Warfare 3 (Original), Modern Warfare (2019) (Reboot)
No. appearances All of them
Created by God
Portrayed by Himself
Nickname(s) BooTsOFspEEd
Aliases God of all gods
Species Human
Age 61
Gender Male
Date of birth 11 January 1953
Date of death Never in the history of the world. I'll put it this way: Captain Price will survive the end of the world.
Starsign buttfuckitarius
Occupation Supreme Leader of Badassery
Family The S.A.S.
Spouse(s) Every single horny woman on the face of the planet
Children Every single child birthed from every single horny woman on the face of the planet
Relatives Gaz, Ghost, Soap, McAffe
Address 69 Fuck the Terrorist Avenue
Religion The one god worships
Nationality United Kingdom
Would Margaret Thatcher agree him/her? Not until Price can baste him first!

Captain Price, full name Jonathan Price, is a British SAS soldier who appeared in the famous shooter game Call of Duty, based on true events. He served in World War 2 and, for some reason, served in the war in Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare and Modern Warfare 2 and Modern Warfare 3, and served in Modern Warfare (2019) reboot again, based on modern wars. He is known for surviving many near-death situations and for always bossing his fellow soldiers around. He prefers his rank to always stay captain because he likes to boss people around and have them carry out his plans, though nobody complains because they worship him like a king, as captains are notable for their work on the battlefield and for the number of asses they kick. He is also known for his inability to die, even if shot multiple times with any weapon ever created.

Early History[edit | edit source]

Price as a baby

Not much is known about his early life, although it can be assumed that he was born with the large mustache he has on today. In photos of him in school he is seen showing his great leadership skills by giving orders to other kids around, and has been made Head Boy of his school throughout his life. He is also seen beating up bullies and members of the rugby team in his high school years, as well as sneaking pies in people's lockers. He graduated high school at age 16.

World War 2[edit | edit source]

Price in his years during the Second World War

During Price's mid-years came the biggest conflict that the world, and Price, has ever faced; World War II. Price happily signed up and became a Captain in just seven days. Even though Britain was losing early in the war, Captain Price keeps much of Britain’s spirits high. However, sometime during D-day, Captain Price was somehow captured and taken to a Nazi prison. He was later rescued by American soldiers led by Captain Foley, another kick-ass Captain. Captain Price was involved in many British missions, including blowing up a dam, which he let his apprentice, Pvt. Evans, do all by himself while he improvised on the top of the dam.

One of Price's important missions was blowing some German battleship. This was one of the only missions in the war that he actually did something. He, Evans, and some other dude named Waters hijacked a small boat, stoned the occupants took their clothing as well as their boat and headed toward the battleship. After blowing their cover, they began to fight through the ship. He lead Evans to through the ship, but unfortunately he was shot and appeared dead. Evans and Waters, after shortly grieving his supposed death, left afterwards, leaving his body there as they couldn't bring it back because the entire deck was full with German soldiers angered by either the fact that the ship was trespassed or the fact that someone clogged the toilet with shit and piss still in it. However, Price manages to escape. When asked about how he escaped, he replied, "Well, one aimed for my face but my amazing indestructible mustache protected me, causing the bullet to disintegrate. I played dead for a while, while Evans did all the work. After words, I got up and pretended to look for Evans as a German soldier, and all the German soldiers were still fooled because I was still wearing German clothing. Hahaha, what a bunch of losers." He continued to fight in the war until the suicide of Hitler and the nuclear bombing of Japan ended the war. He also distrusts the Russians, who were called the Soviet Union at that time, predicting that there's going to be conflict with Russia in the future. His predictions were later proven to be accurate.

After World War II[edit | edit source]

After the war ended, Price was trying to find a job that suits him. This, however, soon turned to be problematic. Price was born to be on the battlefield, not behind some desk with a typewriter on top (computers didn't exist during this time) or in a burger stand. In many cases, he always involves guns in his jobs, usually getting him fired and/or arrested. A friend suggested he take up hunting, and so he did. But it wasn't enough for him. He states that "shooting dear and turkeys are not dangerous enough". Another friend told him he should take up extreme hunting, which includes lions, tigers, bears (oh my), as well as crocodiles and grues. But that still wasn't enough for him, which he stated "Even bears and killer cats and reptiles aren’t dangerous enough. There are no dodging bullets or anything." He signed up to become a police officer, but was rejected due to him being "quite harsh" to people who did crime. He then decided to get involved in the Korea War and Vietnam War. Because of the hellish nightmare and horrifying shit that happened in Vietnam, changed his attitude and became the man he is today. After the Gulf War, which he enjoyed shooting weak Iraqi soldiers and watching them get blown up by AC-130 Spectres and battleships, he decided to retire after many years of military service, the second-longest of any soldier in the entire universe (first longest being Master Chief). During this time he also became a Christian, stating that his gifted combat skills can only be possible because of God.

Modern Warfare[edit | edit source]

Captain Price was involved with the conflict that involved Russia, Britain (now known as the United Kingdom, or the U.K.) The United States, and an unknown Middle East country (probably Pakistan or Iran). He was joined by Gaz, a friend of his, and a new member on the team named Soap MacTavish.

Before Modern Warfare[edit | edit source]

Life without being on the battlefield was extremely boring for Price, just like watching daytime television. He was advised to rejoin the S.A.S. by an old time friend. Seeing that the battlefield was his only true home, he accepted and was trained by Captain MacMillan, as he did not know how to properly use modern weapons. Unfortunately, he had to start from the beginning rank all over again, which upset him. But his time in the lower ranks wasn't long, due to his surprising combat skills, as he manages to reach the rank of Lieutenant in just 4 days. He and MacMillan were then involved with the assassination of a very evil and very crooked Russian arms dealer selling illegal cocaine as well as radioactive fuel rods. They manage to sneak past his mercenaries with plant looking coverings, and manage to reach the top of a building and took a shot at the Russian mentioned earlier, removing his left arm. Thinking he's dead, they left, with at least 2000 Russians attempting to take them out, but they all died at the hands of Price, who's skills were superior compared to those weak Russians. He and MacMillan left without any further incident.

It would be wise to avoid getting in any aircraft with Price as it is not likely to end well.

Modern Warfare[edit | edit source]

It was during this time that the Russians were having a civil war between Loyalists and the Ultranationalists, led by Imran Zakhaev, who miraculously survived the assassination attempt with the cost of his left arm and deep humiliation. To keep the world such as the United States out of the conflict, he funded an Arabian coup in an unknown Arabian country that possibly nobody heard of or cares, led by Khaled Al-Asad. Noticing the trouble lurking about, the British government ordered the S.A.S. to make the Ultranationalists' job much harder. Captain Price was picked to be the leader of his squad, named Bravo Team, with Gaz as his second in command. It was at this moment that Price meets Soap MacTavish for the first time. At first, he wasn't easy on Soap, but after Soap went through C.Q.B.(Close Quarters Battle) in the S.A.S. Killing Houses and even beating Captain Price's own record, he was very impressed and gave him a position in the squad.

Their first mission in the six-day conflict was to board an Ultranationalists controlled cargo ship that had contained a nuclear warhead. They killed all the guards without ease and found the nuclear bomb. However, "fast movers" (a name for enemy jets) were inbound, so Price decided to take the manifest (which he told Soap to do) and we're beginning to leave when all of a sudden the ship is attacked by MiG-29's. With the boat sinking, Price stated "We are leaving!" and he and the rest of the Bravo Team begin to run from the hellish nightmare and headed towards the evac point. When Soap nearly fell from the helicopter, Price grabbed him in the nick of time. With their first victory a success, Price ordered everybody a drink, and Price was with many hot British girls who were amazed at his amazing victory. Price knew this was going to be a fun week of blowing stuff up.

After Al-Asad took over the country and personally executing its former president, Price and his team were sent to Russia to rescue an informant named Nikolai after being captured due to accidentally revealing that he works for the S.A.S. in front of a few Ultranationalists after consuming much vodka. After aiding Loyalists during a skirmish, they managed to find him and safety extract him, which then Nikolai revealed that the invading U.S. Forces would not capture Al-Asad alive, making Price believe that something was up. They make it on a helicopter and head to safety, thinking no trouble would come along...

Until they got shot down by a missile. Luckily Gaz, Nikolai, Soap, and of course Price survived, but Price was really pissed off as he had rented that helicopter. He let his rage out on many Ultranationalists and a few of their helicopters, until an AC-130 flew by for assistance, even though Price could've taken care of himself. But he does love to see his enemies get blown to pieces and flee in complete terror while he enjoys the scene and laughs at his enemies agony, commenting that it was "more beautiful than Megan Fox." After finding out that Al-Asad evaded U.S. Forces and had a nuclear bomb detonated in the city which killed a lot of U.S. Marines, Price and his team learned from Nikolia that he was in a safe house in Azerbaijan, guarded by Ultranationalists. They killed all of the Ultranationalists and caught the evil Muslim, whom Price fiercely interrogates by means of beating him to a pulp. Al-Asad's cell phone rang, and when Price listened to it, finds who the real mastermind was: Zakhaev. Price "thanks" Al-Asah with a bullet to the head.

Wanting to stop Zakhaev's terrorist acts once and for all, Captain Price, Soap, Gaz, and the rest of the team join forces with U.S. Forces who survived the nuclear explosion, to capture Victor Zakhaev, Imran Zakhaev's drug-addicted and depressed son. They managed to corner him, yet Victor, already suffering from severe depression, commits suicide. Knowing Zakhaev, Price knew that it would not end up well. His prediction was correct, as Zakhaev launched nuclear missiles at the U.S., yet failed when Price used the deactivation code to stop the nukes, further enraging Zakhaev, prompting him to kill Captain Price and his group himself. After being cornered at a highway, Price and his team fought hard until a helicopter launches a missile, wounding everybody. Imran Zakhaev shows up, and he, along with two other Ultranationalists, killed much of the team, including Gaz and the remaining Marines. Before he could get to the wounded Price and Soap, Russian Loyalists come along and distracted him. Seeing this as an opportunity, he decided to give Soap some of the fame, and gave him his pistol, ending the evil Russian's life. Price believed that it was over, as all of the S.O.B. Ultranationlist's leaders were given a nice ticket to hell.

Or so he thought.

Modern Warfare 2[edit | edit source]

For information on the event, see Modern Warfare 2

Price was presumed dead after his supposed death, but in reality was imprisoned by Russia's new ruler Vladimir Makorav, a bloodthirsty and dangerous criminal, who feared that Price would be a potential threat for the new Russia, now under the control of the Ultranationalists. He was imprisoned in a dungeon of an old fortress where the government put people they didn't want but couldn't kill (in this case Price). Price kept himself busy over time by killing the guards when they least expected. Even though he couldn't escape the prison due to all the security doors and solid brick walls that prevent escape, he always caused trouble for the Russians guarding him. However, he was rescued by the Task Force 141 led by the almighty Soap McTavish, who was surprised to see him alive and managed to escape while the building was being destroyed by the U.S. Navy.

Knowing about the American-Russian War caused by Makarov even before it started, he decided to end it personally, which is surprising because he usually let his own men do all the dirty work because it was all too easy for him, so he probably did it to show off his awesomeness. Although his plan did not set will with General Shepard, commander of all of America's forces and leader of the Task Force 141, Price could give a rats ass about what he says and decided to it anyway with the help of Roach, Soap's apprentice, and Ghost, who seemingly resembles Gaz including the voice. He manages to board a Russian submarine, armed with nukes, and launched one towards America, where the American-Russian War was taking place. But before it made contact with the surface, Price, thanks to all his skills at rigging things, made it blow up in space, causing an EMP, and made all the Russian's aircraft fall from the sky in a very awesome action scene, and made the rest of their vehicles and device's powerless, and rendering the Russian harmless like babies with water guns, all thanks to Captain Price.

After all that, Price as well as the rest of Task Force 141 were set out to find and eliminate Makorav. But there was one little problem that kept them from doing so; General Shepard betrayed them, which results in the death of Roach and Ghost (not again). But Price and Soap manage to escape, and found out Shepard was behind it all. After learning where he is thanks to Makorav (who Shepard also betrayed) and being saved by there friend Nikolia, Soap asked what they were going to do. Price responded, "We're going to kick his ass." After much awesome action scenes and a chase on a river leading to a waterfall, Price fought Shepard in a fistfight, as Price wanted to do it the ol' fashioned way. But then Shepard seemingly gains the upper hand and nearly defeated Price, until Soap managed to removed a knife impaled in him and threw it in Shepard's eyes, ending the bastard's life. Although many people believed that Price had that scene planned. He admits to this, later on, saying, " I can't always receive the glory for myself. I have to give my fellow soldiers something to do so they won't seem inferior to my awesome skills. Although I really could have kicked his ass with no effort at all, I just didn't want to; it's more fun to see other people doing it."

Modern Warfare 3[edit | edit source]

After the events in Afghanistan where they had killed Shepard, Nikolai rushed both Soap and Price to a medical hospital, as, for once the two had received mortal wounds which would have caused Chuck Norris to wince. However, due to Soap's God-like regenerative abilities, he was able to survive long enough to reach safety. Price, of course, had mysteriously arrived unscathed and with all his injuries gone. At this point, the trio is introduced to Yuri, a Russian who also has the inability to both shoot and speak. After traveling around the world together and killing starving Ethiopians, just because no one would notice in the world war raging at that point. Eventually, Price remembers that they were trying to kill Makarov, so the group sat in a building while Price walked in there and killed everyone, however as he was about to meet Makarov, Kamarov, a man who even Price admired for his rough beard, appeared tied up and strapped with explosives as a weapon by Makarov. The building exploded, causing the characters to be alarmed for Price's safety; of course. However, the building they're waiting in is targeted by God due to their camping tactics and so blows up as well, Soap saves Yuri by throwing him out of a 5th-floor window. Unfortunately, as Soap jumps he is hit by a fragment of dust, and as such his body is overwhelmed by internal bleeding and the onset of necrosis. Price arrives (again unscathed by the explosion that leveled a city hall) and drags Soap across an area the size of Switzerland, while Soap loses 20 liters of blood per square cm. Soap dies while being cared for by Price, whose attempt to transfer some of his powers to save Soap is not enough to heal him. Price places the gun that killed every antagonist in the series on Soap's body, and takes his journal, vowing for revenge. In his anger Price punches Yuri, who literally flies down a flight of stairs and his regains his ability to speak and is granted the power to explain all plot twists and errors in the story by claiming he did it all; the nuke, how Zakhiev survived losing an arm, proving the existence of God and how the airport scene was relevant to the story.

After being consoled my MacMillan, Prices mentor, and Soaps secret father, Price flies off with Yuri to kill Makarov and get revenge, they turn up in Juggernaut armor and rape a whole army, including two helicopters and a few trucks. Just to make it interesting, Price throws off the armor halfway through and still reaches the roof without damage. Just as he reaches the top floor, a helicopter blows a wall off, causing Yuri to be impaled on a spike. Price goes alone and reaches the roof to see Makarov flying off in a RoflCopter but Price somehow manages to jump across a building and up into the air to grab onto the door, throws the pilot out, and mustache-butts the co-pilot out of the copter as it crashes onto the roof. Makarov, unscathed somehow after surviving a helicopter crash on a glass roof (which doesn't break when the helicopter hits it), points a gun to Price's head.

However, just as Price is about to be shot, Yuri appears completely unscathed and distracts Makarov by shooting him in the neck 12 times with a pistol, which leaves no wounds or hinders Makarov in any way either except distracting him from Price, as he shoots Yuri and kills him, Price suddenly draws excess energy stored in his mustache and rugby tackles Makarov to the ground, ties a grappling rope (which materializes out of nowhere from Price's awesomeness) to his neck and headbutts him until the glass below them breaks, causing Makarov to hang himself from the grapple and Price to fall to his death. Price suddenly gets up just when you think it's all over, completely unscathed from this, and starts smoking a cigar before the pigs show up, like a boss.

Modern Warfare (2019)[edit | edit source]

After Modern Warfare 3 ended, the series has been reboot. Captain Price has returned on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare (2019) and so, Soap has returned but he doesn't make an appearance anymore.

Captain Price was contacted by CIA Station Chief Kate Laswell about a failed CIA mission to secure Russian chemical gas in Verdansk which left multiple Marines killed. Price laughs at how those same Marines are so stupid to get themselves killed and tells that bitch Kate to fuck off. The End!

Personality[edit | edit source]

In his early days, Captain Price had one of those "British" accents, and like saying stuff like "jolly good show old champ". In modern times, however, he has a ruff kind of attitude, usually pissing everybody off, with the exception of Soap MacTavish, who enjoys his attitude. When his comrades are down, he seems to know if they are alright or not, as he is seen saying things like "your alright, get up" in a ruff kind of attitude. Never less, he still says some British word; though mostly mild swear words like arse, bullocks and wanker. He also cares for his friends and comrades, and he never leaves anyone behind.

With the exception of God, Captain Price fears nothing. He doesn't flinch at grues, xenomorphs, or Velociraptors. He thinks Steve Ballmer is a pussy, Jackie Chan a joke, and Arnold Schwarzenegger "just a nerd on steroids who lives with his mom and gave bribes to become governor." Captain Price was Rambo's role model, and Chuck Norris highly respects Price. When Mike Myers walked in a party and everyone ran off screaming, Price just stand, saying, "Pfff, he doesn't look so tough." He even proved his point. One guy stated this is the only time Mike Myers has ever talked, saying the following line, "OMG MY ARM!!!! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING ARM!” Even Darth Sidious will not come within six million trillion feet near him.

In Conclusion[edit | edit source]

Captain Price is declared the most skilled, deadly, swift, and intelligent British Warrior alive today; eight thousand million times better than James Bond or Laura Croft combined.

“Damn right I'm am”

~ Captain Price on the concluding section.