Christmas Carol

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Carol Christmas is a folk singer born on December 25 and best known for her music, known as Christmas carols: She is not to be mistaken for Christmas Carole, the popular porn star from the 1930s. Christmas Carols are a popular pastime amongst the youth within Western society during the months around the festive season.

Wreck the Halls (Performed by The Three Stooges)[edit | edit source]

Wreck the halls with bricks and hammers
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
'cause we're so mad at the landlord
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Don we now our shrapnel jackets
Fa-la-la fa-la-la la-la-la
Get the weapons, let 'im have it
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la

Good King Wenceslas[edit | edit source]

Good King Wenceslas got drunk
At the feast of Stephen
In the snow he passed right out
Weak and cold and bleeding
Took him four weeks to thaw out
While he'd sneeze and shiver
So next time that he goes out
First he'll check the weather

I Saw Three Ships[edit | edit source]

I saw three ships catch fire and sink
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships catch fire and sink
On Christmas Day in the morning

It Came Upon the Midnight Plane[edit | edit source]

It came upon the midnight plane
That glorious pile of mold
It was my luggage years ago
They lost it I was told
"Twice 'round the earth, once to Iran,
From heaven to Témiskaming"
The world in solemn stillness lay
To watch this airline thing

Twas the Night Before Christmas (Not a Christmas Carol)[edit | edit source]

Twas the night before Bozic and all through the kuca,
the air smelled of spicy sarma and rakija vruca.
By the dimnjak the slapice were hung kinda krivo,
In hopes that Sveti Nikola would soon bring me some pivo.
Tata was in his soba and he was snoring pretty hard,
I guess he was tired from stealing the tree from my neighbor's backyard.
Mama was in the basement cooking like a fool,
Adding just the right amount of Vegeta to the juha and fazol.
When out on the lawn there arose such galama,
Tata yelled from his room "Pa, koji je cvijet vama!"
There was a knocking on the front door with such a loud barrage,
I yelled through the window "This is a Croatian house...come in through
the garage!"
And standing in the garage right next to my car,
Was my drunk Tece Joza coming home from the bar.
"Ajde, odi spavat," I told him with might,
Ain't nobody gonna ruin my chances of seeing Sveti Nikola tonight.
About two hours later I heard a noise downstairs,
So I jumped from my krevet to see who was there.
Standing by the tree and eating some leftover pizza,
Was good 'ol Sveti Nikola reeking of homemade sljivovica!
He was all dressed in red and big as an ox,
And wore some brown sandale along with black socks.
Smelling like a gypsy that's been drinking for days,
He wasn't what I expected...I was actually amazed.
"U pizdu mater, kako mrzim ovaj posao," he said,
And then I think he muttered something about his wife and how he wished
she was dead.
He put the presents under the tree while whistling a Christmas beat,
They were all wrapped up kinda shitty with the paper bags from Ottawa
Street.12 carape for me and 12 for my brother,3 pairs of gace for my dad
and a can of turska kava for my mother.
This Croatian Santa was crooked...he was nothing like the fable,
I should of known it when he swiped my pack of smokes from the table.
I yelled "Hey!" as Sveti Nikola turned around like a car,
Throwing his slapa at me as if it were a ninja star.
The look in his eyes was nothing but fright,
He said "Jebo ti pas mater" and dashed out of sight.
Up through the dimnjak I heard a loud shriek,
Sveti Nikola had just farted like some wild bik.
He got in his kaput, made for hladne zime, And he yelled at his jelene,
ime po ime. "Naprijed Marko i Darko, Petar i Ante,"\ "Ajde Josip i
Nenad, Ivo i Mate..."
And then he yelled, "Ajdemo brzo, moramo poc,"
This will be one jeBena noć

O Christmas Tree[edit | edit source]

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
In flames we see your branches
They were so green not long ago
I put that candle much too close
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
In flames we see your branches

We Three Kings[edit | edit source]

We three kings of Orient are
Smuggling drugs we travelled afar
Cops we trusted, we got busted
Now we are behind bars
O...bread and water, chains at night
Guards that think we're not too bright
Hostile lawyers start proceedings
Now we'll never see daylight

The 12 Days of Christmas[edit | edit source]

On the twelfth day of Christmas my ex-love sent to me

  • Twelve drums of strychnine
  • Eleven pints of poison
  • Ten loonies alimony
  • Nine lawyers suing
  • Eight maids a-list'ning
  • Seven sharks a-swimming
  • Six geeks a-reading
  • Five bathtub rings
  • Four dying birds
  • Three dead hens
  • Two tons of mud
  • And a vulture in a crab-tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a redneck gave to me:

  • 12 pack of Bud
  • 11 wrastling tickets
  • 10 commie ridders
  • 9 monster trucks
  • 8 sawed off shotguns
  • 7 shots of whisky
  • 6 dead pinkos
  • 5 bathtub rings
  • 4 mudgrip tires
  • 3 repo men
  • 2 vulture birds
  • and a duck blind in a hanging tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a hoser gave to me:

  • 12 jugs-a syrup
  • 11 cords-a firewood
  • 10 hungry sled-dogs
  • 9 Coleman stoves
  • 8 kilos road-salt
  • 7 Export eh?s
  • 6 radial snow tires
  • 5 golden tuques
  • 4 pounds-a back bacon
  • 3 french toast
  • 2 turtle necks
  • and a 2-4 in a maple tree

Hey Santa Claus you cunt where's me fucking bike[edit | edit source]

(male voice, young child)

Hey Santa claus you cunt!
Where's me fucking bike?
I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.
I wrote you a fucking letter and I come to see you twice
Ya worn out geriatric bastard, you forgot me fucking bike
If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked
and this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!
You've stuffed me bloody order up, It's enough to make you spew
and I'm not the only one who's snakey Me sisters dirty too!

(female voice, young child)

Hey santa clause you cunt!
Where's me fucking pram?
You promised me you'd bring me you'd send me one, you remember who I am.
Cause I'm the little girl who you made sit right on your hand
ll give you fucking ho ho ho You forgot me fucking pram

(male voice, young child)

Next time I come to see ya, I'm gonna punch you in the guts
and I'll let your fucking reihndeer to go and kick Rudolf in the nuts!
You just wait 'till next year, when you go back to that store
and me and me little sister, come stomping through the door
and we'll say, yeah you wait for it
Hey mums and dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes
And don't listen to him boys and girls 'cause he tells fucking lies
He's just a piss tank and a pervert, and he's not even very bright
Cause the old fucking wanker Forgot me fucking bike
You wait you old cunt, I'm gonna dob you in. Tell me old man on you an he'll punch your fucking lights out
I saw mummy sucking santa clause

Jingle Bells[edit | edit source]

Crashing through the rail
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the cliff we go
Shrieking all the way
Bells and sirens ring
Marking where we crashed
They put us in intensive care
They don't think we will last
Jingle bells, funeral bells, ringing all the way
Oh what fools we were to ride in that one horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, funeral bells, ringing all the way
Oh what fools we were to ride in that one horse open sleigh

Jingle Bells, Unitels
Sprints and MCIs
They say they want to save us bucks
We think it's all a lie
Taco Bells, Unitels
All a waste of time
We really doubt that we'll get through
I guess we'll have to try

  • Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
  • Santa Claus is dead
  • Rudolf took a .45
  • And shot him in the head
  • Barbie doll, Barbie doll
  • Tried to save his life
  • But an action man from Pakistan
  • Stabbed her with a knife

Another common version:

Dashing through the poo
In a one-penis open sleigh
O'er the fields we masturbate
Vomiting all the way
Balls on bobtail ring (Or Hear our voices ring)
Making us have orgasms
What fun it is to have sex and sing (Or What fun it is to ride and sing / Oh, what fun it is to sing)
A pooping song tonight
|: Jingle balls, jingle balls,
Masturbate all the way;
Oh! what fun [joy] it is to have sex
In a one-penis open sleigh.
Jingle balls, jingle balls,
Masturbate all the way;
Oh! what fun [joy] it is to have sex
In a one-penis open sleigh.:|
A day or two I masturbated
I thought I'd take a shit
And soon, Miss Sexy Bright
Was masturbating by my side,
The penis was lean and lank
Masturbating seemed his lot
He got into a poopy diaper
And then we [And we—we] got all dirty.

Silent Night[edit | edit source]

Silent night, darkened night
All is dark, nothing's bright
Power comp'ny went out on strike
No one's going to turn on the lights
Sit in darkness and freeze
Sit in darkness and freeze

Silent night, welfare night
All are sloshed, all are tight
Ain't no virgins, just winos and thieves
Fast asleep in a heap of debris
Sleep in darkness and freeze
Sleep in darkness and freeze

Violent Night (traditional Viking carol)[edit | edit source]

Violent night, gory night
All is loud, blood runs bright
Swords and axes through the air weave
Shields splintered and heads that they cleave
Death and slaughter across the field
Corpses whose flesh has been peeled

Tidings of Slaughter and Gore[edit | edit source]

God bless thee, bloodthirsty Norsemen, we know you're here to slay
If we give you all of our gold will you then go away?
Please don't wave that battle-axe so high for we don't want to die
So thank you for bringing tidings of gore, slaughter and gore
So thank you for bringing tidings of gore

White Christmas[edit | edit source]

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the 8-balls glisten
and dealers listen
to hear cop cars in the snow
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With all the coke I used to snort
May your dope be powdered and white
And make all your cocaine deals at night

Joy to the World[edit | edit source]

Joy to the world, the school burned down
And all the teachers died
And the principal is hanging from the flagpole
With a rope around his neck
With a rope around his neck
A rope, a rope, around his neck
Joy to the world, the school burned down
And all the homework's fried
And the late slips burst into flames
'Cause we poured gas on them
'Cause we poured gas on them
We poured, we poured some gas on them

City Sidewalks[edit | edit source]

(to the tune of Silver Bells)
City sidewalks, slippery sidewalks
Packed in holiday style
In the shops there's a feeling of sickness
Children whining, people crying
Trudging mile after mile
Soon it will be Christmas day
Taco bells, junk food smells
Now there's a feeling of sickness
Chargex bills, fill their tills
When will it be Christmas day?

Staggerin' in a Winter Wonderland[edit | edit source]

Dish out lines, I am listening
Chug the booze, snow is glistening
It's cold, that's alright
I'll get some tonight
Staggerin' in a winter wonderland
In the meadow I will build a snowman
And pretend that he's my Uncle Pop
He'll ask are you drunk yet, I'll say no man
But I will soon be if I don't stop
Later on, I'll perspire
Before I puke in the fire
And face unafraid the mess that I've made
Staggerin' in a winter wonderland

Winter Wonderland[edit | edit source]

The following version first appeared in the popular Christmas movie, Howard Johnson's:

In the winter we can build a snowman,
then some kids 'll come and kick it down,
we'll ask 'em if they did it, they'll say "no man",
then we'll rub their faces in the ground.

Then we'll sit, and perspire,
as we set their coats on fire,
and we'll make 'em walk home,
when it's twenty below...

Walking through a winter wonderland !

Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire[edit | edit source]

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Cocaine eating out your nose
Yuletide priests feeling up the whole choir
and cops dressed up like big capos
Everybody knows the turkeys brought some mistletoe
Because they can't get laid tonight
Although it's been said many times, all you finks
Merry Christmas, you stink!

We Wish You Would Shut the Fuck Up[edit | edit source]

This song discusses the feelings of the world at large on most Christmas carols. Its views are reflected by Christians and Atheists alike. Anyone under the age of sixty despises Christmas carols with a passion. If you are not religious, then you should be spending your time getting shitfaced and partying (or, if you're a Christian, listening to real Christian music like Hillsong). The lyrics follow.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee wish you would shut the fuck up,
we wish you would shut the fuck up,
we wish you would shut the fuck up,
and write some new songs.

Good silence to you, wherever you are
We wish you'd shoot the Carolers,
and give us some rest.

We wish you would shut the fuck up,
we wish you would shut the fuck up,
we wish you would shut the fuck up,
and wriiite sooooooome neeeeeeeeeeeew sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooongs.

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged[edit | edit source]

  • Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE BELLS! Yeah! I Love Jingle Bells! I could sing it again and again!
  • Tourettes Syndrome - Deck the Idiot in the Groin!
  • Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
  • Suicidal - Joy to the World That I am Dead
  • Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
  • Homosexuality - Joy to the World, for I have come. Let earth receive her queen.
  • Pedophilia - Rudolf the Red-Haired Paperboy.
  • Hallucinations - Do You See What I See?
  • Dementia - I Think I'll be Home for Christmas.
  • Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.
  • Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and...
  • Paranoid - Santa Claus is Get me.
  • Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
  • Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
  • Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
  • Kleptomania - Hark how the bells, sweet silver bells, fall in my bag, filled full of swag...
  • Pyromania - Bring a torch, Jeanette, Isabella! (strange how this needs no change...)
  • Sociopathy - The whore's head in hand bear I, bedecked with bay and rosemary!
  • Dissociative Disorder - What child is this in my mirror...
  • Nymphomania/Satyrism - I come, I come, Emannuelle!
  • Megalomania - Joy to the world, for I have come! Let Earth receive her king!
  • Persecution Complex - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer won't get his hooves off my back!
  • Zooanthropy - Bark bark-bark woof-bark bark woof woof! Arf-arf-arf-arf-arf, arf arf arf arf! arf! arf! meow! meow! arf! woof! bark! bark!

See also[edit | edit source]