Toast
“Toast was a pointless invention from the dark ages. Toast was an implement of torture that caused all those subjected to it to regurgitate in verbal form the sins and crimes of their past lives. Toast was a ritual item devoured by fetishists in the belief that it would enhance their kinetic and sexual powers. Toast cannot be explained by any rational means.”
“You know what they say, all toasters toast toast!”
“Actually, they toast bread.”
Toast is a life form, to wit Dinosaurus butteronburntbreadus. Every day thousands of innocent slices of toast lose their lives in a buttery fury of consumption by larger species. Toast has also been linked to the mysterious disappearances of certain famous people. Certain parties and organisations have done all they can to ensure every Big Brother "celebrity" gets to ingest some of the buttery stuff.
The Invention of Toast[edit | edit source]
Toast is widely believed to have been invented by Edward Toast, a close friend of Sir Francis Sausage, who invented bacon. In 1244 Toast attempted to warm up his bread. The resulting explosion destroyed his home, the bread, and most of the neighborhood. Toast repeated the experiment in 1272 using a controlled flame (he had used a flamethrower the first time) and did the experiment outside. He succeeded in warming up his bread, but it also came with an unexpected other effect. The flame burnt the bread slightly, browning it and making it crunchy. Two days later Toast went to the patent office to patent his new invention, but he was told that he could not patent food. He left and three days later with a contraption which he called a "toaster". The first toaster was simply a metal grid which was heated and which you placed bread upon to cook. The patent office accepted his claim this time and by 1300 Toast had become a millionaire selling his toasters. However, in 1322, a man who was using his toaster accidentally "toasted" his hand, and ended up suing Toast. Toast lost $999,999 and 99⅞ cents or 9999999 pennies. He ended up dying in 1336 poor and depressed, although his spirit lives on in frozen Kool Aid.
The toast people are a proud race and should be respected. In southwest Egypt they are considered gods, and people bend at the knees just to nibble at the golden buttered solitude of toast. Some blame toast for 9/11 (the crunchy bastards).
The equation for Toast is Toast = Toaster x Bread + Fat Midgets
Toast zombies[edit | edit source]
These creatures are often seen behind wainscot, in disused toasters or behind you (relative to your current location, obviously).
To create a toast zombie is a crime against humanity and all wheat products so you could be shot by cows or jailed for life.
The best way to deal with a toast zombie is to butter and spread jam on it, then send it to a homeless shelter, where it will be completely annihilated.
Medical applications[edit | edit source]
If toast is left beneath a couch for long enough, it will become so condensed that it can actually cut diamond. Toast becomes a substance capable of molecular fission if left unattended for sixty years. Of course, this has captivated many scientists and surgeons, who needed a substance that can cut through virtually anything and leave no dents or jagged edges. Toast is used to slice through metal trapping people in plane accidents, to protect small dogs from the harsh weather, and it serves as a powerful fuel for lightsabers. One man, Albert Pretrokovovsky, credits Edward Toast as being his personal savior as an ancient slice of toast helped him slice his way out of the stomach of Mechagodzilla and later the Tin Man.
Either that or the toast will mutate into an evil being and sneak out from under you bed to molest you and several children in your neighborhood. It's widely believed that mutated toast may have been behind the assassination of John F. Kennedy and Nicole Brown Simpson. (Ron Goldman was murdered by a tree imp, but that's another story.)
Toast when dipped in water[edit | edit source]
Toast is actually molecularly superior to humans. This is proved by the "waterus dippus" theory, this theory is that when humans are dipped in water, we just become wet and will eventually drip dry. However when toast is dipped in water it acts as a sponge and absorbs the water until it is about three times as heavy as its original toast state. This means that if toast was left in water for longer then eight hours that single piece of toast could make the earth drop out of its gravitational orbit just because of its absorbed "wet weight" causing the whole population of humans on earth to simultaneously say "Wow".
Humans may also say "World Of Warcraft" or "Wow" when toast is used as bait for the toast shark of Indonesia because obviously that person fishing for that shark is stupid enough to believe this article.
Currency[edit | edit source]
- Main article: Things you can put on toast
Toast is used as currency in many countries including Middle Earth and Antarctica. Buttered is worth turd to the normal plain slice of toast when sperm is considered high wealth. In the United states of America (formerly known as Bushland) it is a widely known fact that all paper currency is backed up with large amounts of gold in Fort Knox. This of course, is a total lie, as Rupert Grint found out during the filming of National Treasure III: Lincoln's Dirty Thong, whence he and his sidekick monkey Herbert break into the infamous Fort Knox in search of Lincoln's dirty thong, only to find that all of the US of A's currency is backed up by toast instead of gold, and the infamous thong is really a life size figurine of Willford Brimley playing Quidditch as a Seeker.
It should also be noted that Iceland uses toast as a secondary currency. It is not, however nearly as valuable as their as their main currency, which is mainly made up of pebbles and volcanic pygmy hippos.
Toast with different jams can have higher currency values. Grape jam is the equivalent of 72/91 of an American dollar. This is more than toast with strawberry jelly, which is the equivalent of 1/1,000,000,000,000,000 American dollars.