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The FVM-024 "Pissfire" has a long range and integrated flotation devices help it traverse flooded areas.

“Now that's a rate of fire!”

~ Charlton Heston on Flamethrowers

“Burn baby,burn!”

“This is why I'm hot!This is why I'm hot!This is why this is why this is why I'm hot!! ”

~ Some Idiot that got caught in the way of a flamethrower on Flamethrowers

“It's getting hot in here!So hot!”

~ Stupid Zombies on Flamethrowers


~ Smart Zombies on Flamethrowers

“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."”

~ George Carlin on the flamethrower

The flamethrower was a private niche project pursued by weaponry designer Yura Nidiot in the early 1900s to take advantage of the lack of close-quarter combat weapons. The flamethrower gained popular use because of its small fuel consumption and easy to operate interface. Catching on with the army for warfare in generally tight areas, it is now one of the highest rated flame devices used in war today. It was particularly well-received in France, supposedly because the flamethrower helped replace the much used Molotov Cocktails. Its greatest contribution to the military was during WWII, where it could clear out Nazi filled bunkers and growth filled islands in the Pacific theater. Flamethrowers are also known to cause Advanced Teamkill Syndrome.

Improper use of flamethrower.

Early warfare use[edit | edit source]

The flamethrower wasn't exactly the best weapon to carry around when in the middle of a war (which can get quite hectic from what I hear) for many many many reasons. First off, the original design was nothing more than a large, backpack sized plastic tank full of gasoline with a nozzle stickin' out the bottom. Because of its cheap casing, it was very easy to puncture, bullets would fly seamlessly through the pack and set it on fire, making it very uncomfortable for the flamethrower operator after a few seconds. The weak casing was also taken advantage of by the enemy, who eventually would learn that knocking a flamethrower operator out and piercing the case ever so slightly, that when the guy got up and returned the gasoline trail could be lit and lead a path straight to the hideout. The flamethrower at the time was really more of a danger to the burner than the burnee, and since it was widely known, the early flamethrower operators were usually fire obsessed loons to begin with.

The first military force to use it in combat was the Plastic Tan Army. They used them to great effectiveness in the Invasion of Green Island. Word!

Design improvements[edit | edit source]

Generally, the design was quite simplistic, with a backpack, straps, 2 pints of gasoline (the flamethrower requires a flammable base), and a supply of harsh poorly worded criticisms to toss.

Realizing that if he didn't get off his ass and get on the ball with their numerous drawbacks, Yuri would lose his job again, and so spent countless hours trying to perfect his flawed design. His new design for the flamethrower was a well-received improvement over the earlier hunk of crap the military was supplied with. For one, because of complaints that the plastic was too see through and flimsy, a stronger metallic casing was molded, as well as making it easier on the shoulders. The flame intake valve was streamlined to accept more variety of flames, the trigger could no longer lock in place and numerous other minor issues all patched up and fixed.

The flame tanks would weave paths of destruction in flame wars.

Tank Modification[edit | edit source]

Even with the patches, the inherent design was still flawed; You were a walking time bomb, ready to go off at any second. More armor was an ungainly option, as well as a costly one for a single (and very likely to die) private. A breakthrough in tank design however allowed enough room for more than one weapon to be mounted for assault. Rifles were the first to be exploited (because, in wartime desperate military scientists attached guns to damn near anything, not even donkeys or sheep were exempt) and the flamethrower was soon to follow. The first flame tanks were a force to reckon with, and since reckoning with a regular tank is quite a challenge in itself, it's strongly advised not facing a flame tank without the safeguard of a powerful flame shield.

Tactics for the average Flamethrower squad[edit | edit source]

A flamethrower squad consists of the standard set of men, one young strong willed leader, the slightly envious second in command, three expendable flame thrower supports, the wisecracking ammo lugger and a nervous pessimistic spotter. The standard procedure is to have two supporting flamers flank left, the rest of the supporters and the leader at the front, the ammo supplier hanging not too far off and the spotter hiding behind the ammo supplier. Of course the standard assault procedures do not apply for every situation (especially ones involving tanks) and since the rest of the tactics book is only important for the squad leader to read let's say we leave him to reading that book shall we?

Ammo specifications and effectiveness[edit | edit source]

A FVM-113 class flamethrower, for close range combat, raccoon and pinata pest control. This one appears to be out of ammo, and is only firing blanks.

The flamethrower tank accepts and stores at least 500 possible insults over a span of 6 different languages, variations and combinations regularly accepted through the mic, and the effectiveness is most dependent on the ammo supplier, and not the receiver of the insults. Americans (especially ones in large urban areas) are the best suited for using the flamethrower. For example, the American insults are short, quick and can come with a steady stream of helpful profanity as well. Insults from Germany are a hit-or-miss endeavor, since the rough, harsh language can boost the life of a single ammo pack, but can also be defective at moments, due to the poor grammar.

A regular issue occurs when the flamethrower wielder runs out of breath and can have trouble forming insults and phrases on the battlefield. The solution to the problem was handled by having tag-along people help supply insults when the operator is unable to and must catch his breath for the short period of time.

Additionally, voice recording technology allows for insults to be stored and later used as ammunition for a flamethrower if in very ammo restricted conditions. This is not a new idea, since before the availability of handy voice recorders parrots were brought out onto the battlefield and used to make a quick refill for the rare last man alive situations. Parrots were unreliable, and would often ask for crackers when it should be helping out the desperate soldier.

Countering the flamethrower[edit | edit source]

By use of a flame shield, one must have a flame shield with the possibility of dealing with a flamethrower in the immediate vicinity. The first flame shield was simply a garbage can lid and cotton (for sticking in ears). This was an effective buffer for a single flame squadron (for about 8 minutes) but its lasting value was very lacking, especially when up a whole squad or an array of flame tanks.

"Tank man" halts the tanks from moving up Tiananmen Square with the deployment of his flame shield.

The slowly improved designs were wider shields and lighter metals, but the wielders were always at risk against one or more squadrons. The final design was a small orange cube made of some rubbery material. General Patton scoffed at the idea of having the anti-flame squads protected by "Silly Putty" as he called it, but his jeering was all for naught, since the orange cube was an expandable liquid metalloid and very useful. The cubes were a big breakthrough, and its sturdy mold could even stop flame tanks in their tracks, as well as providing a small see through window for the blocker to peer through.

Nonetheless, the cubes weren't perfect and could be opened by grenades or chemical weapons, and the cube is occasionally eaten by hungry soldiers reminded of taffy when holding it. Although they are hard to come by, they will be used occasionally in public, such as when it was deployed against a blockade of flame tanks at Tiananmen Square.

Flamethrower Burger[edit | edit source]

Rumours are if you consume a flamethrower burger at Dairy Queen, you will have flames coming out of your mouth. In order to prevent this inhale while you speak for about 2 hours and take some Advil. In Russia, Halieus J. Romanov consumed a flamethrower burger, but exhaled when he spoke which cause the restaurant to burn down. He is arrested and charged with arson and sentenced to 6 days and 7 nights in a home full of midgets. In Soviet Russia Burger grills you.

See also[edit | edit source]

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