Disposable flamethrower
“My flamethrower is for children *Wink*.”
A disposable flamethrower is a highly advanced technological wonder for launching an excitingly-complex negative reaction to Converse sneakers. It can occasionally also launch fire, usually when it runs out of uranium. The disposable version of this device has the added advantage of being quite cheap and coming with free development for the film.
Disposable flamethrowers will become a extremely popular accessory for all upcoming drivers, and will be available from fancy vending machines for less than the tax on breathing. The disposable flamethrower should not be confused with the disposable flame thrower, a device which instead launches disposable flames.
History is shit[edit | edit source]
The disposable flamethrower was actually wielded by Bill Gates through the entirety of his career, allowing him to become the world's ultimate leader through his superweapon. When Gates was finally defeated by the alliance of the penguins, he sent a disposable flamethrower back through time to kill himself.
The flamethrower was luckily destroyed by Gates using a conveniently placed factory, and he used the remains to design a new invention, known as the "disposable flamethrower", which he then wielded through the entirety of his career. When the alliance of the penguins finally infiltrated his secret base, they discovered what would become the first disposable flamethrower vending machine: a PC running on Windows 3.1, the best Windows OS to that date (which was 2015, by the way). It barely crashed at all, and dispensed flamethrowers many times faster than any Vista PC could hope to achieve.
The alliance of the penguins copied the source code for MS-Flamethrower, and recompiled it into GFlame, KBurn and XFD (XFD Flamethrower Dispenser). These three applications were quickly uploaded to various package repositories, and within thirty-eight seconds, every PC owner in the world was churning out disposable flamethrowers.
The penguins began to design a customized vending machine, running on a small Debian distribution, which used XFD, the most recursive application of the three. The vending machines spread all over the world, and became incredibly popular. Eventually, Bill Gates realized what the penguins had done, and attempted to sue XFD, which had obviously been stolen from MS-Flamethrower. However, as XFD did not crash, it was ruled that it could not have been stolen from a Microsoft product.
Design[edit | edit source]
Resembling a small regular flamethrower, the disposable flamethrower is encased in colourful (or colorful) cardboard. It also has a Fuel Measurement Indicator stamped on the cardboard, indicating the remaining fuel in the flamethrower. Finally, the disposable flamethrower is adorned with an Enormous Trigger, which is used to throw flames.
Throwing flames from a disposable flamethrower uses its fuel. When the fuel is all gone, the flamethrower can be returned to the store at which it was purchased, to get the photos developed. This is another handy feature of the disposable flamethrower; it comes with a roll of film built in, which runs out just as the fuel does. The photographs depict a range of stuff, from secret FBI plans to porn. Oddly enough, the photos only get taken when the flamethrower is in use (the film starts blank), but the actual source of the photographs is unknown. No actually its really just a fire extinguisher refilled with gasoline and a lighter taped to the tip. How ironic is that?
Setup[edit | edit source]
To begin launching flames from your disposable flamethrower, you must first remove Tab A from the battery pack. This is a very common mistake among flamethrower newbies, often because the flamethrower doesn't actually have a battery pack to remove Tab A from.
Tab A should instead be removed from the Fuel Measurement Indicator, allowing fuel to reach the flamethrower's nozzle. Then, find Switches B and C. Flick the two together, and insert some uranium into the slot on the side. If you don't have any uranium available, simply chuck a lit match in, instead.
Finally, find Enormous Trigger D, and press it. Flames will then emit from the flamethrower (or, if you had uranium, nuclear fission will instead be emitted). Make sure that it is not pointing at you. If it was pointing at you, call the fire brigade. Very quickly.
Usage[edit | edit source]
The most popular usage of a disposable flamethrower is throwing flames, often to set something on fire. Other uses include cleaning keyboards, mopping floors, huffing kittens, grilling steaks, toasting marshmallows, and making money. To discover how you actually do all these things, simply purchase "Disposable Flamethrowers For Dummies", the incredibly popular book, from any vending machine.