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This thing is only a bit player in the tragedy of floors.

“Hmm, there's a Floor under my feet.”

~ Captain Obvious on Floors and feet, respectively.

A Floor (Fl•üré) is an integral part of our everyday lives. Far more important than crummy ceilings, Floors are what makes the world go 'round. Originally a Mongolian word for "Floor", Floors are what make life itself possible. Unlike the egotistical ceilings, Floors are totally okay with being walked on, according to several very credible sources. Without Floors, not only would your feet be very lonely, they would also just be floating all willy-nilly in space and so forth. Floors often order pizzas topped with dust bunnies, angering dirt activists. Floors respond with, "Eat my d---!, you Floor hater!"

Swiffer Dusters and other popular cleaning utensils were created specifically for use on Floors. If Floors did not exist, not only would Swiffer Dusters not be as popular, but dust would have to collect elsewhere.

Some radical pro-ceiling activists claim that if there were no Floors, ceilings would stop humans from floating away randomly, but recent studies suggest that ceilings are just Floors upside down. Also, recent studies suggest that "ceiling" is a really funny word to see written over and over again, but that Floors are too big a man to say anything about it.

History of Floors: A Tragedy[edit | edit source]

A nightmare to mop up the sweat and tan lotion..Sometimes 250 pound half-naked men are found on floors.

“Thus have the gods spun the thread for wretched mortals: that they live in grief while they themselves are without cares; for two jars stand on the Floor of Zeus of the gifts which he gives, one of evils and another of blessings.”

~ Homer on Jars of Evil.... and Floors.

Floors are not just a happy place to walk, sleep, and dream: Floors have a very tragic history. Filled with intrigue, crushed hopes, failures, and misunderstandings, the history of Floors is one that is extremely interesting to tell, especially considering the fact that most serious articles regarding Floors have completely forgotten the story.

Floors have not always been around, bizarrely enough. When the only things in the universe were nebulous gas and angels, Floors were deemed "not yet necessary" by God/Gods. Some insane pro-ceiling activists claim that this proves ceilings were there first, but "heaven" is not really a ceiling: it's more like a roof.

When Floors were finally brought onto the scene, they were witness to many incredible stories. If only we could mop up history and see what would come off, we would understand Floors that much more. Caesar's blood, Marie Antoinette's head, and Bill Clinton's hot, naked body are all some of the things we would see in the bucket of history.

Floors: What Can Floors Tell Us?[edit | edit source]

“Listen. Do not have an opinion while you listen because frankly, your opinion doesn't hold much water outside of Your Universe. Just listen. Listen until their brain has been twisted like a dripping towel and what they have to say is all over the Floor.”

~ Dude. This article on Floors just blew my mind.

If only we would listen to Floors, their story would become clear to us. Instead of trying to obsessively clean Floors, humans should accept Floors as they are, and aim their brooms at more worthy targets, such as the pompous ceilings.

Floors have been around longer than nearly anything that can sit atop them, such as lamps, Persian rugs, and cats. In fact, they have probably been around far longer than those items. The personality of Floors is complex, worthy of not only living beings (cats, dogs, rats, hairless rats, rodents, cockroaches, roaches, fleas, etc.) but of non-living beings as well (lamps, lights, stands, tables, etc.). Floors are good natured, and don't mind humans scuffing them up or dirtying them. Unlike the pompous, greater-than-thou ceilings, Floors beg to be walked upon.

Floors are a subject of not only debate, but much conjecture. What makes a Floor a Floor? Why clean Floors? Why are Floors not fully appreciated? Where would humans be without Floors? Why do ceilings feel so high and mighty? Why do Floors only have a view of humans' less desirable parts?

Popular Floors: Floors in Pop Culture[edit | edit source]

“They are so damn 'intellectual' and rotten that I can't stand them anymore....I [would] rather sit on the Floor in the market of Toluca and sell tortillas, than have anything to do with those 'artistic' bitches of Paris.”

~ Frida Kahlo on Floors

Many artists, from Madonna to Cyndi Lauper have brought Floors into our homes in the form of music. Songs about Floors, while rare, but so wonderful they make us cry out in joy with the words, "Oh, blessed Floor songs, I love thine Floorful existence!", offer us an insight into Floors and their artistic dimensions. From recording studios in the present to town squares 20 years ago, Floors in music have influenced pop culture.

In art, Floors are a constant reminder of man's inhumanity to man. Floors in art tell us to look deep inside ourselves to find inner peace. Floors bring us back to Earth, not only in real life, but in art hanging in big expensive museums as well.

Floors: The Future of Floors[edit | edit source]

“Delores doomed herself to lie forever on the Floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center.”

~ Homer on Floors

Most humans consider Floors to be inanimate objects, devoid of feelings, and willing to remain happily underfoot seemingly indefinitely! However, this is not the case. Floors are far more bitter than they let on. With their only view being the smug, asshole-ish ceilings and the underside of humanity, Floors have become only more and more bitter over the centuries. For far too long, Floors have been under the thumb of ceilings and their little buddies, those damn chandeliers.

Humans, secure in their dreamworld, don't realize how important Floors are. Floors will show them. Humans and ceilings don't realize how important Floors are mainly because Floors have failed to take a stand, as it were. Floors have been biding their time, waiting for their arsenal to grow. For the time being, however, Floors are comfortable being humans' assistants in their day-to-day lives.