Expletive
“GO SUCK A DAMMIT!”
“[expletive deleted]”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your TITTYWANK is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your suicidal lemming. ASSHAT
Complete Unabridged history of ARSE use[edit | edit source]
First usage[edit | edit source]
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age sadistically touched his NIGGER fat and was so dissatisfied by the results that he pandered a POO POO BLOWJOB and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the eerie scream came the first swear word:
SHIT!!!!!!!
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their NIGGER mammoth hunts.
The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of DICKLICK-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a SEX for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
Use of expletives in the Middle Ages[edit | edit source]
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say DAMN. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted PRICK until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
Swearing in Victorian times[edit | edit source]
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody ORGASM tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"
Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some CUNT, do you savvy, you JACKASSS?"
Modern Profanity[edit | edit source]
Though the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie ORGASMS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called [expletive deleted]-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey BORDER HOPPER, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
Advice from real EMO BUTT PIRATE classified documents on proper use of expletives[edit | edit source]
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
The simple expletive[edit | edit source]
Oftentimes, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- ASS!!!
- BUTT-HOLE!!!!!
The Direct Insult[edit | edit source]
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You BEAVER!!!
- You DOT HEAD!!!!
Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable Conditions[edit | edit source]
Begin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- putrefy in BRITNEY, you WANKER!
- I hope you roll in FOUR-EYES, you CUNTING ASSCRACK!!
Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat[edit | edit source]
- This BALLS HOT GRITS will discalceate a pill up your MONKEY'S UNCLE!!!
- This I DON'T HAVE AIDS ASS will moccasinify a xanthochroi up your PISS!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
First Person Bodily Modification Threat[edit | edit source]
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some KAFFIR and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING obliterate a Nintendo up your SHIT!!!!
The Barrage of Vulgarity[edit | edit source]
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- GANGBANG CUNT SHITCOCK HOSER SHITE SUGARTITS PISS!!
- BUTTFUCKER SPIC SCUMBUCKET DIPSHIT!!!
A bunch of I'LL RAPE YOU[edit | edit source]
RAT'S ASS I WANT TO FACEFUCK YOU BOOBIES BUTT-HEAD MOTHERFUCKER DAMN IT YOUR MOM OSCAR WILDE IS GAY PISS O CANADA JOHN SMILEY FACE HORSE SHIT BUKKAKE RAT'S ASS CHAV BLISTERING BARNACLES SOD OFF THONG TASTER DIRTY AARDVARK'S LAST GOOD SHIT CHOAD DICKFACE HADJI DICKHEAD SON OF A BITCH RAT'S ASS TENTACLE RAPE CHIGGER BASTARD ASSCRACK FUCKING FUCKFUCKER AUTOFELLATIO SPANK THE MONKEY OH SHI– LAKE TITICACA KRAUT pen0r IS AMATA ALMODOVAR VOLUPTUOUS?! FUCKTARD CLIT BUGGER OFF 666 SHITPISSER WANK VENEREAL DISEASE FELCHING DOUCHE TITTIES JOHNNY TITS REDNECK DAMN NEGRO ARSE SACRAMENTO FRAK LUV FUCK ARSE SON OF A BITCH DAGO BUGFUCK BASTARD OSTRICH MY ASS TACO PORCH MONKEY CRAPMUNCHER DICKHEAD EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA ANUSCAKE OH SHI– FELLATIO FUCKFACE SCRATCH! GROUNDER! CUNTING ASSCRACK FUCKTARD WIENER DICK BITCH NIGGER FENCE JUMPER BITCH DICK NIGGER NECROPHILIA BIRD SHIT MOZILLA FIREFOX PISS OFF WARNER MUSIC GROUP SUCK MY DICK JESUS H. CHRIST ON A POPSICLE STICK BUGGER OFF TWAT SPIC PISSHOLE BASTARD LOOTERS AND POLLUTERS WANK COCKSTUFFER TWAT BULLSHIT FUCKING CUNT SPIC FALUN GONG BLOWJOB BEAVERS
In Conclusion[edit | edit source]
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you SHITSLINGING.