Expletive
“GO SUCK A QUEEF!”
“[expletive deleted]”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your SHITFUCKER is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your fiddle. BOOBIES
Complete Unabridged history of KNOBJOCKEY use[edit | edit source]
First usage[edit | edit source]
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age shoddily touched his BUTTFUCKER huffed kitten and was so dissatisfied by the results that he DELETED! a CARPET MUNCHER and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the slimy scream came the first swear word:
SHIT!!!!!!!
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their CC PLZ mammoth hunts.
The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of GOD DAMMIT-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a FUCKSTAIN for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
Use of expletives in the Middle Ages[edit | edit source]
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say SHITSLIDE. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted AMERICA ONLINE until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
Swearing in Victorian times[edit | edit source]
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody FLYING FUCK tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"
Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some BOON, do you savvy, you HER MAJESTY'S ROYAL FLYING RAT'S ASSS?"
Modern Profanity[edit | edit source]
Though the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie SHITS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called PISS ARTIST-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey BUGFUCK, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
Advice from real JESUS FUCKING CHRIST PISS VENEREAL DISEASE juices on proper use of expletives[edit | edit source]
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
The simple expletive[edit | edit source]
Oftentimes, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- HI, BILLY MAYS HERE!!!
- DIPSHIT!!!!!
The Direct Insult[edit | edit source]
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You DIRTY AARDVARK'S LAST GOOD SHIT!!!
- You FUCKFACE!!!!
Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable Conditions[edit | edit source]
Begin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- rinse in DAMN, you CHIGGER!
- I hope you pasteurize in BEAVER, you SCROTUM!!
Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat[edit | edit source]
- This COCK MONKEY SHIT will cogitate a neck up your TURD!!!
- This TWAT [expletive deleted] will reason a band up your GOBSHITE!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
First Person Bodily Modification Threat[edit | edit source]
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some KNOBJOCKEY and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING clapperclaw a sarcoma up your WALRUS SHIT!!!!
The Barrage of Vulgarity[edit | edit source]
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- ENCYCLOPÆDIA DRAMATICA DAMN IT ASSWIPE FUCKTARD BITCH DICK TITS FRITZ!!
- ASSHAT FELLATIO CROTCH NIPPLES!!!
A bunch of SWINES IN YOUR KITTEN'S ASS[edit | edit source]
BITCH PULL THE STRING! PULL THE STRING!! FUCKING ASSHAT BUGGER FELLATIO ASSHAT HELL WANK COCKSTUFFER D'OH FAG DICK LICK PUSSY CHRISTMAS TREES DESU INCEST O KURWA! FUCKING A TITTY RAPED WITH A PINEAPPLE ASSWIPE CUNTYMINTS FENCE JUMPER HORSE SHIT HEIL HITLER! I WILL KILL YOU! PISS UP MY FUCKING ARSE ONTO A NAZI BITCH AND A STUPID HEEB! DICKHEAD NIGNOG FEMADOM MACACA ASS ASS SHITCOCK DOUCHING TWAT MACACA BRUSH MA TEETH NOW, I AIN'T SAYIN' SHE A GOLD DIGGER! LOOTERS AND POLLUTERS SACRAMENTO HELL FUCKWIT FUCKFACE CONDOMS FUCKTARD STEVE BALLMER WANK OSTRICH MY ASS SUITCASE PENIS GOD DAMMIT FUCKING BITCH TITS FAGGOT ASS FASCIST PEDOPHILIA CLUSTERFUCK CHOAD KISSER POMMIE FUCKING A COON FAGGOT RAPE GYPSY NINTENDOGS TUBA DICKLICK NINE-AND-A-HALF INCHES GIVING HEAD EAT MY SHIT! DOUCHING TITTYWANK BOOBS NEOPETS BENSON IS BETTER THAN YOU FAT, STINKING BELGIAN BASTARD NIPPLES PISS UP MY ARSE PISS REDSKIN PORCUPINE'S BALLS BOOBS JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST DONKEY DICK BUTTFUCKER SUCK A BIG DICK SEMEN POMMIE NIGNOG BALLS FELLATIO DUMBASS ASSCRACK POO POO BLOWJOB GOD DAMMIT CUNTRAG SHITTY FROM 2 OF THE 6 WRITERS OF SCARY MOVIE INCEST JIZZ BITCH HOLY FUCKING ASS BANANAS DUNE COON TIMBER NIGGER BEAVERS
In Conclusion[edit | edit source]
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you CLEMEN.