Expletive
“GO SUCK A DAMN!”
– Oscar Wilde on expletives
“[expletive deleted]”
– Richard Nixon on expletives
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
– Sameul L. Jackson on expletives
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your BAT FUCK INSANE is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your mop. FUCKSTAIN
Complete Unabridged history of DAMN use[edit | edit source]
First usage[edit | edit source]
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age shyly touched his PIGFUCKER diamond and was so dissatisfied by the results that he advocated a PISS ARTIST and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the dazzling scream came the first swear word:
SHIT!!!!!!!
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their FUCK A DUCK mammoth hunts.
The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of [Insert swear here]-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a DICK TITS for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
Use of expletives in the Middle Ages[edit | edit source]
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say RAT'S COCK. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted BUTT PIRATE until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
Swearing in Victorian times[edit | edit source]
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody SHITHEAD tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"
Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some SNOOPING AS USUAL, I SEE?, do you savvy, you COCKGOBLINS?"
Modern Profanity[edit | edit source]
Though the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie BULLSHITS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called SHITFUCKER-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey FUCK OFF, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
Advice from real ARSE MONKEY SHIT ax murderers on proper use of expletives[edit | edit source]
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
The simple expletive[edit | edit source]
Oftentimes, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- FUCK!!!
- CLIT!!!!!
The Direct Insult[edit | edit source]
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You FUCK OFF!!!
- You DAMN IT!!!!
Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable Conditions[edit | edit source]
Begin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- subpoena in BULLSHIT, you 30 CASES OF PICKLES!
- I hope you exorcise in I'LL RAPE YOU, you JACKASS!!
Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat[edit | edit source]
- This SHITCUNTING DAMN will glug a adjective up your CHIGGER!!!
- This COCKSMOKER BASTARD will envision a zoot suit up your ASS!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
First Person Bodily Modification Threat[edit | edit source]
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some NAZI and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING deteriorate a sacrifice up your FUCK!!!!
The Barrage of Vulgarity[edit | edit source]
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- CUNNILINGUS PENISBIRD FUCK A DUCK ANAL TURD JACKASS SHIT SHITE!!
- TWAT TESTICLE CHOKE ASSWIPE FRIG!!!
A bunch of FUCKSTAIN[edit | edit source]
HELL MOTHERFUCKER JUSTIN BIEBER DUMBASS TOWELHEAD JOHNNY PENIS ON A BUN CLEMEN FLYING RAT'S ASS CUNT LAPPER TWAT HELL PUNANI DAMN IT GOD BLESS AMERICA CHOAD DAMN POLESMOKER JACKASS DICK CHICKEN JACKASS SHIT DAGO PISS BITCH CC PLZ DAMN BOOBIES COCKLOVING SEATTLE MONGERS OSTRICH MY ASS SEMEN FUCKER BASTARD RAT'S COCK CUNNILINGUS LAKE TITICACA PISSHOLE SPANK THE MONKEY GOD DAMN DAMN SHITE BOOBIES WIKIPEDIA CHOAD FUCKFACE FUCKER GRAPE PENIS ORGASM GOD BLESS AMERICA BRUSH MA TEETH SONNY BILL WILLIAMS FOUR-EYES SON OF A BITCH TAMPONS GANGBANG CARPET MUNCHER FUCK FAG DOUCHEBAG ASSHOLE SHITTY ASSWIPE CUNTSWILLING ASSWIPE MARCH OF FLAMES PENIS PENISBIRD BONER ASS JIZZ JESSE McCARTNEY DAMNATION BONG BANGKOK PUNANI FUCKTARD SHITSLINGING SHITHEAD HONKY PRICK TOURETTE'S IS FUN KNOBJOCKEY YOU WANKER YUKY DOODY SHITE HELL MOLDY TITS ASSWIPE REBECCA BLACK NI JACKASS SHIT WOP NIGGER YOUR MOM GREASER FUCKING PUSSY DUNE COON [expletive deleted] SWINES IN YOUR KITTEN'S ASS DIPSHIT MOCKIE PEARL NECKLACE ASSFACE [Insert silly non-swear here] SHITBALLS BEAVERS
In Conclusion[edit | edit source]
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you BULLCRAP.