Catwoman
“Life’s a bitch! Now so am I!”
She wasn't always just Catwoman. She's a Cat Lady, too. Of the kingdom of the Cat Lords and Ladies of the Ark. There are several different Catwomen of Gotham City, and there were some that had run-ins with the famous Batman but this one in particular was the one that Batman loved the most. Catwoman was hired as a temp, a secretary, an assistant, a basic office housewife slave for Max Millions McMillionaire. But she would soon climb up the ranks in the pantheon of Gotham's villains as a result of the clumsy, overly mafia-esque power-hungry man that was her boss. It started when she observed his mismanagement and mistreatment of others at work. She began reading through his little black books, his tuna fish can labels and his computer files. Saving and documenting his secrets that she could access due to figuring out his password, before she puked on it.
She snooped through his stuff, got into his laundry basket, fell asleep on his favorite chair, and scratched his rug until it looked like it was a single layer of all fringe. She would bring in her knitting projects from home when her boss was off destroying some other poor soul, or snatching up small businesses in his conquest to rule the city. She also brought in flashdrives to copy his files and slipped them past security using a Rubik's Cube. But when the only damaging evidence of his crimes were the average crop of building power plants that uprooted power from all other plants into his own power plant, and running underground circus freak shows, Catwoman was out of luck.
There was nothing she could do with the information since it never lead to any secret stash of catnip. Her boss called her into his office and told her that she complained too much and that she hated everyone. Her response was that everything sucked and that everyone was so fucking stupid. Her boss being a total bastard, pushed her out of a window. Normally this would have killed her but the ground broke her fall. As she lay there in shock, Max peered out of the window from far above and felt satisfied that he had successfully killed his poor secretary. But she was just in shock, mainly because she wasn't able to rotate and land on her feet. The only thing going through her mind as she recalled later, was trying to convince herself that she meant to do that. But as with all cat ladies, she had cats who were always nearby. After she hit the ground her cat posse rushed in, knocked everything over, shattered the silence of the cold night, and pounced to her side to swish their tails and asked when dinner would be served.
And thus set into motion a crusade against the evils of Gotham City and against Max Millions, the deadliest villain in Gotham's dark dystopia that operated on ninety percent of organized crime and ten percent of clowns without a clue. Catwoman would use her talents, her wits, her knowledge of the area, her deadly skills, sleek appearance, acute hearing, ability to see in the dark, thick furry coat, or her latex catsuit, and her wrath.
Purrfect In All Ways[edit | edit source]
Catwoman is known to be a graceful creature of balance and heightened senses. Able to hear the slightest change in the wind. Deadly accuracy with her sharp needle-like claws and agile enough leap onto rooftops, and able to sleep perched in any treehouse she can find. She possessed the skills to maneuver through dark alleyways and smash dawgs who used the back streets to mug unsuspecting victims.
In the back alleyways, there were often a variety of dawgs and thugs that hung around waiting for potential prey to wander in. A place Catwoman secretly hated because the atmosphere was dark and dreary. It was like a silent death trap, but this was the one place she sharpened her skills. And her claws. She enjoyed sharpening her claws in the collective faces of thugs and baddies. And the police. And the FBI. It didn't matter. Such faces needed rearranging anyway. It's always shredding time in the playground of the back alleys. It's always a good time to scare up grub or tip over garbage cans in the middle of the night. Just for laughs.
She doesn't wait around for some bat to kill the bugs, she will kill the bugs – and if not she will dart out of the place where there were bugs. Catwoman won't put up with any bugs. She likes Ladybugs. But not other bugs. Although she doesn't mind spiders too much, she won't have them. They are not her thing. When she sleeps, she will often curl up in a warm spot and stay there eighteen hours a day. Cat naps are serious business.
She will lunch with her feline friends, and feast with them should large prey present itself in the form of something very savory. Especially if the savory prize is luscious and handsome. Strong, sleek, firm body and with a hard grip on any handle that might be encountered. Catwoman loves to toy with all kinds of fun things that may be teased or played with. That's her nature. She purrs with a soothing and silky vibrato. She keeps herself groomed and well bathed and if she has company, she loves to offer any papillae her guest may need.
Miss Kitty Is Almost Kittynapped[edit | edit source]
It was bad enough that she was seen as someone who could be passed off as a nobody, seen as someone that could be pushed around, seen as someone that could easily be pushed out of a window of a building but it irked Catwoman that she was also seen as someone weighing 140 lbs. It wasn't long before the Intelligence Agency got wind of her exploits. They couldn't get much information on her, other than her lowly job as Max Million's secretary. And the usual routine she kept with grooming, scratching, prowling, sleeping, and playing with knitting string.
Several agents sought to capture her in the hopes to study a human cat hybrid Gotham villain of cuteness overload. So the agency sent in an agent to lure her into a trap. But Catwoman could sense something was wrong and fled the scene after the agent threw out some yarn and pulled it in toward a tent with a zipper and handle on top of it. Once she saw that, she scrammed away. Later she came back unseen and watched from the shadows as the agent folded the tent and threw it into the trunk of his car. Catwoman jumped onto the adjacent building and followed the car.
Unable to see who got out of the car when it parked at the Department of Homemade Security (aka Whatziz) which was located right next to one of the Worst 100 Locations of All Time, she slid down a pipe and perched on a gargoyle.
The agent had another plan for capturing Catwoman. With a long pole and a feathery toy tied to the end of it with string, he lowered it down and swung it around in Catwoman's face. Being perched on a gargoyle, she knew she couldn't swipe at it without risking falling off the stone head of the ugly sculpture. But the agent kept waving the toy in front of her. Finally she grabbed onto the string and held onto it with her whole body. The agent had to grab onto the end of the pole with both hands and struggled to keep his foothold and not fall over the edge of the building. Catwoman looked up at her would-be captor and hissed. The agent had no choice but to let go of the pole and Catwoman fell into the back of a truck filled with kitty litter. Again.
By then Catwoman was highly annoyed. She found the agent on a stake out, and proceeded to gather all the necessary items she'd need to trip him up. She waited on his steps in the dark, and he took a tumble. She laughed and ran off. Being too fast for him, he didn't catch her. Then she waited in his doorway in a gift box and rang his bell. She popped out when he opened the door and was startled, only to be handed a dead rat. She jumped out of the box and up the wall into an open skylight and took off. After about a week of this cat-and-agent-with-a-dead-mouse game, he called the agency and informed them that the mission had failed.
Before leaving Gotham he put out a dish of cream and waited. Catwoman shimmied up beside him and asked for a whole carton of it. She had cats to feed, after all. He brought out a carton of the stuff and gave it to her. She thanked him, licking his face and rubbing up against his body. In that respect, at least that mission was successful.
Finding the Man Behind the Bat Who Serves Tasty Snacks[edit | edit source]
Catwoman didn't want to kill Batman. She wanted to play with him, and taste his face. He tried to save the Ice Princess from the Penguin man. Catwoman decided that was the perfect time to spar with Batman. It was a futile exercise in who was going to claim the fish. Penguins are often considered fish by bats and cats. And bats, penguins, horses, bears, dogs, kangaroos, and most other animals including some sharks are considered "here kitty kitty". It's a bizarre world in which the likes of Catwoman inhabit.
Yet Catwoman wasn't out to kill Batman. It was a misunderstanding. They fought over the ice, the fish, and the bats on a stick. When they saw that the bats on a stick was really a wrapped bat burrito in the form of Penguin man's umbrella, both Batman and Catwoman lost their appetites. It was even more bizarre when the Penguin guy threw his food and it went flying all over the place and began circling the Ice Princess like vultures. The bat vulture burrito umbrella was feasting on ice cubes and the Ice Princess who fell from on high.
Catwoman, being a curious cat, wanted to know what other treats Batman might bring to her neck of the rooftops. But he was fresh out of fresh pick up lines. Eat more fiber isn't exactly what Catwoman had in mind. When she got the chance, and had him right where she wanted him, she sampled a taste of his lips. But broke a nail in the process. When the Penguin man came along, he offered her a glass of champagne. It was tasty. But Penguin men are so stupid. And desperate. And he did try to kill Catwoman. This was another time that Catwoman noted as she set out to turn her enemies into hairballs.
Kitty Kills Curiosity, The Penguin, Riddler, and Micky Mouse[edit | edit source]
The stores were closed when Catwoman wanted to look at some perfumes, stylish clothes, hair dryers and microwave ovens. This didn't stop her, though. The night security were bacon but they were sizzling to have some action. Catwoman relieved them of their posts and they did themselves a favor and left. Otherwise they would have become quite crispy for what Catwoman would be doing next.
The weird guy in question marks was trying to appear as a mannequin on display but Catwoman didn't like the hat he was wearing. She snapped it off his head with her whip and he screamed Why? then ran off with another mannequin who also came to life and startled Catwoman. Much vexed Catwoman caught up with the Riddler and showed him the number 42. He melted away. His curiosity was dead, too. His life work of questions had been fulfilled. Catwoman rolled her eyes. The other mannequin got on a motorbike and took off through a window. Catwoman felt as though one got away. This was something she would ponder on later.
Catwoman, feeling sure that she was finally alone in the department store, began gathering chemicals and aerosols, and some sardines for later. It was then that the Penguin decided to crash the scene. For no reason at all, he ushered in a big Micky Mouse to welcome Catwoman to the third floor. With her claw-like finger needles she deflated the Mouse and stuffed him in a stroller, pushing it through the aisles and sending it down the escalator where he proceeded to just blow up. Fucking what?
When Catwoman was done playing games with the Penguin she put all her gathered items into a couple of microwave ovens and turned them on and skipped away. Penguin was still inside the store when the timers on the ovens indicated that the dangerous chemical reaction of the flammable contents were done. Penguin was reduced to ashes. Now there's a moral of the story here. When Penguins don't have Batmen to gloat to, for whatever reason, they find themselves in a mini nuclear holocaust.
Catwoman & Catturd[edit | edit source]
On a cloudy night, around 3:00 AM, Catwoman was determined to finish her mission against the evil Max Millions. She had him cornered in a giant bird cage at the Arctic Zoo of Gotham City. She was meditating and getting her mind in the zone. Revenge takes patience. And she knew Max would be playing with those skeletons in his cage for a while.
A soft meow had her ears shift backward and when she looked, she saw him. It was Catturd. He came up to her and rubbed against her. She picked him up and asked if he had been fed. He was an all white, long haired cat who wore glasses. Catwoman was adopted by him, and he was adopted by her. They adopted each other. Had each other checked for fleas and ticks. And she gave him a bath. Then she gave herself a bath. Catturd told Catwoman that she could leave that Max character there a bit longer and suggested that they go out for a while. Split the scene and get a fresh new scenery to get back to feeling like their old feline selves again. Catwoman agreed and asked what he had in mind.
The first thing they did was play around underneath the Christmas Tree and see how many lights they could dislodge and break. It took some time, but eventually they had the tree looking shredded, lopsided, and only partially lit. The next thing Catturd wanted to do was play with the city's spotlights like a laser toy. Catwoman managed to find the controls and proceeded to aim the lights downward and shined them all over the place. This accidentally triggered the Bat signal. But before Batman could react to it, it was all over the place and he had no idea why the signal was doing that.
But after a couple minutes of that Catturd got bored. Catwoman twitched her tail and looked around for any sign of Batman. Then Catturd pounced onto her lap, and purred in her ear. She smiled wryly and told him how brilliant his ideas were. Acting on his idea, they got close enough to Batman's cave, and they staked it out. It was a very fortunate turn of events for them to have distracted Batman with their disposing of dead rats on his doorstep, as this caused him to not notice all the alarms had been tripped in his cave. Still Catturd and Catwoman was able to gain access to his Batmobile and drive it off before he could do anything to stop them. Naturally Catturd had places he wanted to go while they went on their little joyride. They went everywhere in Gotham City and then visited some out of town spots. They really wanted to see the biggest ball of twine in South America but they knew Batman would have never filled the gas tank to make the trip.
Catwoman drove to the zoo to finish off Max Millions. Catturd was curious about it all. It was new to him. Catwoman explained what had happened and why Max should be six feet under. Although technically he was already more than six feet underground where she had him trapped. Catturd's eyes gleamed and he knew he could come up with ways to bounce Max around. Cats playing with their prey would be the end of Max. At about that time Bomberman came crashing into the scene and demanded to take Max Millions to jail where he would be tortured to death until he died from it. Catwoman wasn't willing to hand Max over.
Catturd jumped up and shredded Max's arms and face. Funnily enough he didn't really seem to notice. In fact he was very unresponsive. When they inspected him, they found he had already died. This wasn't what Catwoman had in mind. So she stole Batman's airplane to make up for her disappointment. Of course, Catturd had to be in on the action. He sat comfortably in her lap and quipped that this all seemed so familiar somehow. After taking off and getting accustomed to being a pilot, catching her breath Catwoman said Meow.
