Ezra Conan Watnick
Ezra Conan Watnick, a.k.a. Cohen Watnique, is from the DoD Whatziz; the guy who spied on the Deep State trying to spy back on him is an American Undercover Intel Gatekeeper and the most likely to have a million girfrens. Born in 1986 during a time when world wars were seemingly over and endless wars were just getting started, Ezra embarked on a mission to do good things. However, he became too involved in defeating the Taliban and Amazonian Pirates who could mud wrestle much better than him, and look good doing it. He was said to have employed a staff that was dubbed as Pirates of the Amazon. It was said to have never been done before and the odds against it succeeding were astronomical. This proved to be the case since the Taliban could hire better mud wrestlers and better Amazons. And better Pirates. As a matter of fact the Taliban could just hire anyone that was better. And just to be even nastier, the Taliban even rubbed this in the DoD Whatziz face. The ever-bloodthirsty press got wind of this resulting in Ezra being followed by reporters, politicians, buses looking for him to be thrown under them, and tweeter ghosts that appeared to be running off an assembly line.
In the midst of this, the Taliban hired some poor smartass to help them defuse mines in the Black Sea so they could sail around being pirates. When the smartass came looking for the money that was owned to her, although it's unclear if it was the smartass or Ezra who ended up defusing the mines, it was Ezra who unleashed a bright neon weapon causing a mudslide and activating a dormant volcano. The smartass enjoyed a warm mud bath and quietly plotted her revenge. And this detailed article could be said pay back. Or could there be upcoming events that Ezra does not foresee? We shall see.
Early Career[edit | edit source]
Most would argue that Pennsylvania is not a place to begin any kind of career. Or job. Or life. Or any future, but for some reason Ezra got it into his head that being in Pennsylvania was better than the alternative. Many concerned vegans stated that he had a better chance staying in Maryland along with his dad Chevy Chase who had just bought a family car so they could all go to Wally World.
It was alleged that this particular vacation is what drove Ezra to move to Pennsylvania. After he defeated a few local vampires he returned to Maryland for the holidays.
Ezra had almost defeated his own paranoia when his dad somehow ended up on satellite images due to the excessive lighting of his front yard that could be seen from space. His contacts were very anonymous, having to use many different methods to communicate. He mapped out where all the remaining pay phones were and made use of those when he could, although many were not used in years. Naturally the idea of showing up satellite was more than enough to send him over the edge. At first he acted all calm and collected when the police showed up. When the local media bloodsuckers showed up. And he kept his cool when the FBI showed up. But someone recognized him from an earlier complaint about a pay phone eating his coins and mutant spiders. Ezra got it into his head that his cover had been blown, but in reality nobody cared enough to look through the phone records from those payphones. And nobody was going near the one that had any mutant spiders living nearby.
In those times when spiders overran U.S. Route 666 spies from everywhere were on the lookout, trying to save themselves from becoming a liquid diet. There was so much fear and panic in the streets that phone records were literally the last thing on anyone's mind. Except for Ezra. He was always keenly aware of the phone records and spiders were, in his opinion not such a big deal. Even when they ate the neighborhood, demolished cars, tore down buildings and all those ugly spiderwebs that were propped up by telephone poles. Yet he still felt outnumbered, like one would expect when one is just a man among billions of ants. He suspected that he was being shadowed by the shadow governments of Shelob, so he resigned from his post of being constantly thrown under the bus. The bus also quit due to Ezra not falling for that trick again.
Current Career[edit | edit source]
Ezra's current rank in the DoD Whatziz is classified. Meaning he's a spy, okay? And sometimes he disguises himself as a regular human while walking around in Washington D.C. among beings that are all obviously not human.
This kind of spy work must be under strict orders to remain classified in an age of information. Information that is always hacked into by millions of forces seeking to obtain top secret info, details of that info, all the data available including military secret hideouts, plans and communications just to make these encyclopedia sites like this one, more funny.
Further he was tracking the movement of Taliban members to a closet where they stashed a lot of things, including worthless fiat American currency that had already been used to tip the waiters with. Waiters that the Pakistani government hired to spy on the DoD Whatziz and thusly giving Ezra major issues with his own tormenting paranoia. The stress of his job is mind-boggling. It demands statistics of every function of the government, where those numbers were going, how those percentages were established based on other percentages that went into a black hole never to show again, and keeping track of all shenanigans that every wannabe magician would cook up, regardless of their own disasters and third-degree burns.
The Taliban is always trying to trick everyone in the world, the world not being enough, and wanted to capture the sneaky spy that Ezra had been promoted as, although that was not an official title, it was more like he was just plain sneaky. They appeared to be polite and inviting when they asked Ezra over for some coffee or tea and a smoke in a very deep cave. Ezra rejected the invitation saying that he wasn't going to fall for that trick again.
Operation: The Alamo[edit | edit source]
When chupacabras were defeated at the Alamo after a long siege, Ezra was given the Mayan medallion of bravery and honor. A medal so sacred that only the very bravest and very honorable could claim such a prize. Of course what they didn't know was that Ezra had already sent his military into a war zone in Central America to surround the Chupacabra army and send them to their maker in Hades and that only a segment of the beasts ever made it to the Alamo in the first place. The Alamo had seen its fair share of war in the past when the Battle of the Alamo was all the rage back in the day. Everyone and every Chupacabra were there during the Alamo Rush to take as much gold and dirt as possible.
The siege was more or less a Mexican standoff, and Ezra was one step ahead at every turn of events going down at the Alamo. He had a secret weapon gypsy fortuneteller troupe that informed him of the nasty tricks deployed by the enemy. Ezra's entourage of military intelligence teams, satellite contractors, and of course the gypsies, thwarted the attempts of planting miles of cornfields around the Alamo to slip in the Children of the Corn. However there was one row of corn that grew at the Alamo until it was cooked into popcorn. The plot of shipping in alligators to eat people was also foiled. And the plan to use the Alamo as an aquarium also failed. Although there remains a lobster tank and a gourmet chef on standby.
When the operation first began, Ezra had made several audition calls for casting goats as bait to catch the Chupacabras. But the casting call didn't go very well until he left out the part about being bait for a Chupacabra. One of his best actors was able to lure the night stalkers into a cage where they were given back to the god of the underworld after being processed by a vet and a witch doctor from Jamaica. Ezra was surprised at how well the actor played his role although his goat costume was nothing like a goat. It was more like a Viking buffalo with a touch of Hindu (as in India) and Indian (as in Native American) war paint. Ezra's cast of goats did so well that they were scouted by a Broadway director who wanted to open a show called 'Goats'. But the production was too close to the famous 'Cats' where the cast dressed like goats but because of the spandex, were mistaken for floppy-eared cats with horns. Not to mention that the star of the show, the viking buffalo, had horns pointed in the wrong direction and the wrong kind of horns for a goat.
The aftermath of the siege of the Alamo would take several hours to clean up. And a couple of days to relocate all the lost chickens and the real goats. The parish had thanked Ezra and given him a key to the front door of the Alamo, and thanked the cast of goats for clearing out the bloodsucking Chuppies. But it was the Mayans who gave a proper ceremonial ritual for the liberation of the Alamo. The Mayans brought in a live band, an open bar, and a fireworks show to celebrate. It was their way to modernize their culture that had unwittingly unleashed the Chupacabras when they used to do blood sacrifices at their temples a thousand years ago, and called on the underworld to emerge and destroy mankind.
Although Ezra was the guest of honor, he politely rejected the Mayan's invitation to visit their main temple in Honduras. He was NOT going to fall for that trick again!
Operation: O.K. Corral[edit | edit source]
Ezra was called on to assist the clone of Wyatt Earp on a mission in Arizona, Kansas, and some other bland and boring locations in the Old Western reenactment of historical events. As Ezra knew, Wyatt Earp liked to be an authority figure, was a control freak, and had a Napoleon complex. And his clone was no different. This was due to the botched process that successfully cloned the original's psychological issues but messed up the physical body. The original freak Wyatt Earp himself was of average height, but the clone was about 4'2". At first Ezra – being of the temperament that he wasn't interested in some Spaghetti Western that would lead to bad things happening all over again – declined the request. But he was later talked into the mission by his good friends in the S.C.A. and the survivors of the reenactment crew of the Civil War.
Before being properly introduced to the clone of Wyatt Earp, Ezra wanted full details of where the mission was going, the objective of the mission, who was to be saved, communicated with, photographed, brought along with, and what the hell the mission actually was. When his boss told him it wasn't really a mission but a psyop to get the bottom of why the Old West was such a crime wave and why everyone suffered from gold rush fever, Ezra rolled his eyes and asked to be replaced by someone who would want to go on the mission. His boss wasn't going to hear it and Ezra could sense that he was going to fall for some kind of trick and asked if he could bring along a massage therapist. For tension relief.
In the middle of the night Ezra, his therapist, and his posse went into a secret hangar in the desert to meet up with Wyatt Earp's clone. Immediately Wyatt told them they were all headed to Tombstone, Arizona and they'd better saddle up. Ezra shoved everyone into his jeep and told Wyatt that if he had to go, that he'd better do it now because he wasn't stopping until they arrived at their destination. Ezra also instructed Wyatt to not disturb him while he drove. Wyatt was quiet but he was very creepy while being quiet. Ezra asked him what the big deal was with Tombstone. Wyatt said nothing but made funny noises and mumbled incoherently.
A member of Ezra's team had mentioned there was a long standing feud between Wyatt and some guys who dressed up like Cowboys. Then he told Ezra of his own long standing feud with a photographer who happened to live in Tombstone and had a portrait studio there. Ezra gave his team member a look of grim annoyance. And he may have twitched a little. When everyone arrived in Tombstone, Wyatt began acting like he owned the place. Ezra tried to keep things cool and orderly, but Wyatt kept challenging everyone to a gun fight. Eventually some cowboys showed up and began excepting Wyatt's challenge and they all agreed to face off at high noon at the O.K. Corral. Ezra called his boss and told him that Wyatt was out of control, and what could he do. His boss instructed him to get his therapist to stop any shootouts and to keep him distracted. But that didn't work. When Wyatt and the Cowboys stepped onto the property of the corral, the owner came out and pointed a rifle at all of them and warned them to get away. Wyatt shouted back that he was going to shoot up the Cowboys and maybe some Indians, too. The owner of the O.K. Corral was extremely annoyed and told him that there were horses present and to take that shit somewhere else.
When Ezra's team member mentioned going over to the photography studio just a block away, Wyatt and the Cowboys agreed. Ezra was at the point of exasperation and stated Sure, bullets can't travel a block away, the horses should be fine! while everyone walked over to the studio and laughed at Ezra. Asking his teammate what he had in mind Ezra was informed of a bad photo session years ago when the studio owner made him dress up in the style of the Old West. Ezra was seriously considering abandoning the mission because everyone was profoundly insane. His boss urged him to complete the mission. It still wasn't explained what the mission was.
When the group arrived at the studio, they were ready to draw pistols and start shooting up the place. Until they saw the sign in the studio's window that read that all portraits were half off that day. They all went in to have their pictures taken, have a few drinks, and tell some Chinese railroad worker jokes. Then they went outside and started shooting at each other. Ezra was wearing his bulletproof vest and turtleneck sweater so he sustained no damage. The Cowboys were all wounded by bullets that grazed their hats and messed up their hair. Wyatt was riddled with bullets and dropped dead.
Ezra called his boss and told him the news. It was much to Ezra's chagrin that he was then instructed to bring Wyatt back to the secret desert base where his clone could be restored. After several attempts, Wyatt's clone kept falling apart. The powers that be then took it upon themselves to resurrect the real Wyatt Earp and bring his ass back to life. Upon doing so, Ezra was to take him back to the O.K. Corral. The real Wyatt Earp wasn't having any of that. His clone was killed in the second revisit and he was well aware of all that. He demanded that Ezra drive him to San Francisco. Ezra was ordered to follow Wyatt's orders. When they arrived in San Francisco, Wyatt rang up his business partner, Osama bin Laden. They arranged to take over the gold mining operations at Disneyland and the Exxon Headquarters in Los Angeles, California. Ezra protested taking him anywhere near the amusement park or an oil tanker and told him to take it up with Mike Tyson in the ring if he wanted to prove he was a man. The first thing Wyatt did after being challenged to a fight, was to make himself the referee. It ended up being a fight between Tyson and some random street fighter. Wyatt tried to rig the fight calling all of Tyson's moves as out of bounds. That his back flips were landed improperly. And that he kept missing his targets. Tyson lunged at Wyatt and bit his nose off. Wyatt died shortly after from being unable to save face. Tyson then killed the street fighter with a triple-toe axle and butterfly kick.
The mission was over but it was never explained what the purpose of it really was. Ezra returned to the O.K. Corral to make sure the horses were Okay. They were okay at the O.K. Corral. Ezra disappeared for a while after that. It was rumored that he took his therapist to Disneyland.
Operation: The Bay of Pigs[edit | edit source]
Far be it from the Cuban regime to start something with other nuclear powers, but they were provoked into using missiles to get the point across. They felt threatened when neighboring islands started displaying giant Grim Reaper statues that made Easter Island a pitiful joke. Cuba was now the top destination. Using cigars as their #1 export, they were in huge demand and tourists from all over the world came to visit and smoke those cigars. They were special cigars. Then Castro took power and everything went to Hell. There were invading forces coming in from the sea and Cuba was prepared for it. Ezra was hired to act as a liaison between the Cuban regime and whoever was out in the harbor waiting to attack. And there were a lot of unknowns just hanging out in the waters off the shore, waiting for a chance to strike. The island's guard checked off all the boxes of who watched; U.S. military. The Navy. The Coast Guard. The tobacco industry. Jaws. Cthulhu and a couple of wayward Mexicans. But the real threat was Castro and Ezra knew it. He tried to bargain with the nearby cigar shop owner to allow the U.S. troops waiting off the coast to get the missiles safely disarmed without starting World War III. Unimpressed with Ezra's well-spoken presentation and the colorful poster boards showing what a full-scale war would look like, the shop owner told him; no dice.
That was when Ezra had the brilliant idea to use a simple magic trick to impress the cigar dealer. Pulling out a deck of cards, Ezra quickly shuffled them and dazzled the dealer and started to break the ice. Ezra impressed him with card tricks for around twenty minutes before attempting the cigarette card trick. But because he didn't have a cigarette at the moment, he asked to borrow one of the cigars on display. The shop owner being surrounded by literally thousands of cigars, most of which were in cute little palm wrappings and wooden boxes, handed Ezra a cigar. Lighting it, Ezra took a puff and said it was good stuff. The shop owner watched as Ezra performed the trick, but because he only knew the trick with a cigarette (being much thinner than a cigar) he got the cigar stuck in the deck somehow and it caught fire. Noticing the smoke from the deck, he realized it was on fire and hurriedly flung it. Naturally Ezra threw it toward all the other cigars because he was freaking out, after all. The cigar supply of the biggest store of their precious stock burned to the ground. Nothing was left. The smoke spread throughout the island and for a while the Cubans were chilling. That didn't last long. Ezra escaped the island. For once in his life, although it didn't go as planned, someone else besides him fell for a trick.
Hobbies[edit | edit source]
One of the most conventional hobbies that any stealthy spy can divulge would be a sports hobby whereas the spy can show off a very fit physique and a toned body, since it's practically a tradition to do so ever since James Bond 007 made it a thing. Ezra was subjected to exhausting photo sessions for covers of multiple magazines and books ranging from Sports Illustrated to Guinness to Cassandra Clare's Fan Fiction Diaries.
He would have kept his favorite sport Weird Ass Tennis a secret, but it would have been difficult since he was a lifelong member of the Weird Ass Tennis Club and almost won two international championships in the Spring of 1978 and the Winter of 2012.
Many of his hobbies are sometimes mistaken for extremely dangerous stunts and sports. Sword fighting, high tech takeovers, time traveling, and invisibility without relying heavily on the use of green screens. Ninja-like reflexes in chess and in miniature golf. Skilled at numbers, his scores for testing numbers forward and backward are 3 to 1, and sometimes 5 to 2. Other times he leaps over the usual equations for economic charts and comes up with an infinite factor beyond the known solar system. Giving him the advantage of 4,000 to minus 3 and 9,000,980,442 to around 8 or so.
Ezra's hobbies have been noted by the press as being super interesting, while the pirates and the gypsies claim that his hobbies are less interesting than watching paint dry. His hobbies include knowing multiple languages including the way the general population of Earth speaks. Taking into account extinct languages that are no longer spoken only to be reintroduced into local dialects in isolated regions around the world where the people are less likely to argue about ancient words that sound new again. Resulting in the tribes of Mongolia, famous for being extra hyper at taking over many kingdoms, spreading defunct languages to a degree that even domesticated animals knew what was being said and began telling jokes in said languages along with their usual animal jargon. It's not known why Ezra would try to bring back ancient tongues and sayings, except that it was bound to cause chaos in Google Translation programs. Some argue that was his intent. Very sneaky. Very cloak and dagger. Very Good One.
Normally The Powers That Be would have left him to it, and not bothered to look into it since it sounded really boring to them that anyone would even spend energy on that sort of thing, but, they soon changed their mind when their pets started doing comedy routines at local clubs and then realized that they could play another angle at this and had their audiences believing that they were being starved and mistreated causing their masters aggravation when people ordered fancy prepared meals, toys, blankets, beds, furniture, and High Definition TV sets to their homes and charging them outrageous prices for home deliveries. Although it was the dogs and cats and various other animals scheming all of this, they still blamed Ezra for it.
Ezra possesses a skill in building three dimensional objects in two tones and gradient colors. Being a spy. Painting zeros on the ground. And singing in a way that sounds as if he's channeling Slim Whitman's great grandfather who barely escaped plunging to the bottom of the ocean after striking an iceberg. A notorious hobby includes not falling for any tricks. Again.
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
For the best source of this information, it is best to consult the gypsies. Or the heretics. What little Uncyclopedia has learned of his personal life is that he is straight. White. And possibly an ancient alien who used to fly around in a hummingbird model made exclusively in Hot Green Springs located on the planet Venus. Another rumor going around is that he collects stamps. Not the kind you put on letters and postcards, but the rubber stamps used in airports for passports. Getting from one place to another legally when you're an alien from another planet does these weird tricks to one's mind and when you have a way to stamp your passport yourself, you can usually avoid the lines. And it wasn't the lines that bothered Ezra so much as it was the stamping process. It began when someone with a stamp-happy attitude got triggered and stamped his passport until it resembled something that looked like the bottom of an ashtray. When he tried to pick it back up, it fell apart in his hand. So he started collecting stamps. He vowed to never fall for that trick again.
Past Missions & Ops[edit | edit source]
Below is a list of all missions, both failed and successful involving Ezra Conan Watnick.
- Operation Sputnick (failed depending on how you look at it)
- Operation Alamo (moderately successful)
- Operation OK Corral (somewhat successful)
- Operation Bay of Pigs (successful on account that fire was involved)
- Operation Potato Phone (successful)
- Operation Tell-A-Phone and Sell-A-Cell (invention of the rotary mobile phone)
- Operation Just A Storm (status unknown)
- Operation Capture Catwoman (massively failed)
- Operation Be Nice To Catwoman (successful, well maybe)
- Operation Storm Warning (failed)
- Operation Storm Warning Part II (failed)
- Operation Storm Alert (successful)
- Operation Storm Alert Part II & III (somewhat successful)
- Operation Storm Warning Again (status unknown)
- Operation Employ Durham & Photo Op (successful)
- Operation Digital Durham Drinking Game (successful)
- Operation Beam Me Outta Here (failed)
- Operation Never Fall For Any Tricks (status unknown)
See Also[edit | edit source]
- Judyism
- Politics
- The Holocaust Revolution
- French Revolution
- Battle of the Alamo
- Bay of Pigs Invasion
- Ping pong
- Chris Miller