Weird Ass Tennis

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Byorg Bahama the Tennis Star from Mongolia.

Weird Ass Tennis is a sport that was invented around 300 B.C. in Bowling Green, Kentucky. It wasn't considered a sport then. Instead it was considered an activity that got you accused of being a witch, or a fortuneteller. How it started was by throwing dice. Then tea leaves. Then bones. Then runes. Then shuffling cards and throwing them. All those things could be done all in the same game depending on how athletic one was. But as the centuries dragged on, other things began replacing dice, bones, and cards.

At first it was small things like croquet balls, apples, parasols, lucky charms, etc. But when sports like Baseball, Soccer, Football, ice hockey and, golf started taking on a major role for entertainment and athletic prowess, tennis was the go-to sport for the everyday peasant who couldn't get those high paying contracts for the sheer phenomena of being hit in the head a lot. Not to mention that tennis takes a skill in being able to watch. It isn't like any other sport where the observer constantly looks back and forth at a ball flying through the air. Tennis was never considered a major sport simply because other sports had balls being thrown around, flying into player's heads, and other body parts, or being batted across wide distances, or being knocked around all over the place. Even pool is more engaging for the mere onlooker. But tennis being a glorified version of Ping Pong had the flexibility to be whatever it wanted. It involved using a variety of things for sport. Like watching a train wreck.

When being bored in Bowling Green, Kentucky and the rest of the world in general, was at a peak and everyone was dying from it, two people who had come back from Antarctica had to keep busy. Still wearing their furry boots, they grabbed a tennis racket, a baseball bat, and a basketball and began playing on a tennis court outside to decompress from the temperatures they had been accustomed to. This is how Weird Ass Tennis was formulated into what it is today. This paved the way for other sports to be represented in tennis and still maintain the usual back and forth observation. And when that was getting old, watching the furry boots of players tripping about, was even more entertaining. But with Weird Ass Tennis, any kind of balls were game, and anything can be used. And the furry boots became the uniform staple of Weird Ass Tennis.

Rules of the Game[edit | edit source]

The first rule is to wear a pair of furry boots. The bigger the better. Those things have to keep the player stable and protected against impact should a tennis session or round include golf balls, scuba helmets, or bowling balls. The second rule is to be sure to stay on the move. Even if the ball being used is only going to bounce back and forth steadily, the player should always stay on the move as the game allows for a ball out of nowhere to be thrown in and added to the game, and the ball could be any kind of ball and could strike the player in the head. Helmets to protect the head are allowed as uniform if the player wants one, however. The third and final rule is to play the game on a tennis court. It can never be played on any other field marked for other sports. But parking lots and streets are generally seen as non-issues.

Game Play[edit | edit source]

Two-Time Winner of Weird Ass Tennis, Lady Dodgeball.

The sport makes little mention of its ancient origins because in 300 B.C. although variety was the theme, tennis rackets were used as flotation devices when traveling across Antarctica and in some cases, used as a weapon in place of cream pies back then. The addition of furry boots was also a newer concept to the sport. Once it was signed off as being an official sport, with no defining description other than weird, game play could be presented in whatever fashion the players and team coaches chose.

For instance, if two players had only one tennis racket and one baseball bat and a catcher's mitt, the game could effectively use a baseball, a tennis ball, or a hockey puck. Or a combination of all three. If two players both have tennis rackets, then a basketball could be used. Or a soccer ball. Or a football. Or even a bowling ball in which case the net in the middle is used as an extending device that could either break or snap the bowling ball back toward the player who uses the racket as a golf club. If the net breaks the other player must think quickly and either use their racket to roll the ball back or have a set of bowling pins ready to be plowed into. If the ball hits the pins, it's a score for the first player. If the ball fails to make contact with the pins after breaking through the net, it's a strike. And that's when the umpire calls a time out.

There are always options when the opponent is a UFO.

There are other combos of the game, of course, and any sports equipment is par for the course. When Pythagoras Cuttermush and Who Do You Think were sent to Wimbledon to play, they brought their ninja-like skills to win the coveted title Weird Ass Champion All Star. Pythagoras was deadly with his hockey sticks which can be used with basketballs and hockey pucks. And Who Do You Think was super skilled with a racket, a ball, and a boomerang. Juggling is not out of the question in Weird Ass Tennis although it can be called out as drooling. The match between Pythagoras and What's His Name was a draw and each won a trophy, although one trophy was for strip poker and the other was for best actor.

Despite all the rules around the sport, the rules are subject to interpretation. For instance, a player may have a broken leg or foot. Or a peg leg. In which case a furry boot over the good foot will suffice. One player of the sport used one furry boot when he played against the Chinese Floating Eye Monster who had no feet, so could not wear furry boots. Another example is using hover boards with fur all over them and playing barefoot. And yet another example is wearing furry knee pads and moon boots sans fur as a sort of handicap when players cannot obtain the all-coveted pair of furry boots.

Being as the rules mainly apply to the presence of furry boots and a tennis court, all other rules are literally made up on the spot. If there is a match between two players, then the amount of objects can vary. If there are pairs teamed up, there must be even more of a variety of objects. Balls of any sport, whether it's basketball, billiard balls, golf balls, bowling balls, beach balls, or the occasional crystal ball when cheating is allowed so that players can consult with their fortunetellers. Although the method of using crystal balls result more in injury than in determining the outcome.

Touching Stories of Weird Ass Players[edit | edit source]

Although Abigail Twitch never got as far as the championship games, her popularity in the sport was well known. She'd travel around the world looking for new ways to bring more of the beloved weirdness that made it famous. When Miss Twitch went to Cambodia she met an old man who played croquet on the beach, in the sand. Being fascinated with his ability to throw the croquet sticks several yards before falling to his knees crying because the sand had always defeated him and slowed his balls from rolling along smoothly, she talked him into joining a team she put together for weird ass tennis and bring his croquet sets to incorporate into the game. The team then traveled to other parts of Southeast Asia to show off the skills of the games with croquet sticks and balls rather than tennis rackets and other various balls. After each game, the old man would gather his balls from the net and dance around giddy as a schoolgirl because the flat surface of the tennis court allowed his balls to roll along with ease. His only complaint was that the balls would wind up in the net and the game seemed to go nowhere. Miss Twitch suggested that he should try to hit the balls hard enough to break the net. Also that the game isn't really supposed to go anywhere since it's the condition the players are in by the time the game's over, that counts. When the old man played again, he hit the balls so hard that they burst through the net. And that's when his opponents set up the croquet stakes in a wavy pattern so that his balls encountered the same sort of issues as with the sand. Abigail wound up offering him the use of a bowling alley to practice his swing.

In 1995, a special event was planned for the Fourth of July wherein the game was played at night while fireworks exploded in the sky. The players were distracted by the fireworks and it wasn't easy to see balls and other objects airborne leading to confusion and some minor injuries. However the players used fireworks and roman candles to be able to target incoming projectiles while dodging certain death. This would go on for hours until they ran out of fireworks and other flammable material to light the court. When everything went dark and night was still carrying on, they used stadium lighting to continue. This ruined the onlookers' entertainment that were mainly there to observe the fireworks show. Some complaints were voiced and the event planner didn't know what he was doing, and didn't think things through too well. When the sun began to rise, the onlookers and the players formed a protest rally and complained about the sun. This bonded them in their mission to have something done about the Fifth of July being so intrusive and lacking compassion for the games and for all the explosive toys that the Fourth of July had given them. But being so far away from the time when the game was first conceived of, there were no fortune tellers or pagan rituals to effectively stop the sun.

Charlie Angeles was an avid bowler and rare gem collector who invested in a sports bar where costumers could take part in their favorite games. There was an indoor baseball diamond, a mini football grid, a bowling alley, and a tennis court. What Angeles didn't count on was that his establishment would soon be practice grounds for locals to come in and play games and because it was a bar, they would get loaded before picking up a heavy ball, or a baseball bat, and go in there and have fun. But while Charlie's business thrived, his insurance went up so high due to the massive injuries that occurred in his bar. The only way that he could get out of being charged such a high rate was to sign a contract that enabled Weird Ass Tennis to be listed as an activity that regularly happens at his place. Since it was already a somewhat dangerous sport, it could be written off as sports-related injuries rather than an accident that, for example, is caused by karaoke in most other bars when patrons are subjected to horrible singing and ear bleeding. When Charlie felt everything was going to work out, that's when wannabe weird ass players would visit his bar, get drunk, and begin tossing bowling balls and swinging baseball bats while dancing on the bar. The chaos that ensued from all of this caused the bar to be shut down and turned into a therapy center for Alcoholics Anonymous which ended up being turned into a multiplex that included a sanctuary, a graveyard, and a parking lot where wannabe weird ass players avoided drinking before noon. Charlie went on to become one of the world's most celebrated gemstone dealers that sold crystal balls. Keeping with the ancient art of Weird Ass Tennis.

Notable Risks Involved With The Game[edit | edit source]

A forehand, backhand, serve, volley, lob and drop shot all at once.
  • Minor bruises.
  • Cuts.
  • Heat stroke.
  • Sprained ankles.
  • Sprained limbs.
  • Broken limbs.
  • Crushed skulls.
  • Brain damage.
  • Cardiac arrest.
  • A rash.

Championship Winners Of The Last 100 Years[edit | edit source]

The coveted Championship Trophy.

1922: Charlie Chaplin vs Billy The Kid (Spring Tournament) Winner: Billy The Kid
1923: Billy The Kid vs Billy The Baby (Winter Tournament) Winner: Billy The Baby
1924: Raymond Burlap vs Buffalo Bill (Spring Tournament) Winner: Buffalo Bill
1925: Dr. Evil Strangelove vs Dr. Death (Winter Tournament) Winner: Dr. Death
1926: Unknown Jazz Musician vs Random Rag Time Pianist (Spring Tournament) Winner: Unknown Random
1927: Michael Georgian vs The Georgian from Georgia (Winter Tourament) Winner: Georgian
1928: Calloway Headswell vs Heady Swells (Spring Tournament) Winner: Heady Swells

Ezra Conan Watnick vs King Man River the Mighty Missouri Cowboy from Iowa.

In 1929 all games were cancelled until The Great Depression could be sorted out. It wasn't until 1977 when the sorting out the The Great Depression was holding the games up for far too long so the games continued despite the fact.

1977: Ingmar Bergman vs Disco King (Winter Tournament) Winner: Disco King
1978: Ezra Conan Watnick vs King Man River (Spring Tournament) Tied
1979: Bjorn Borg vs Borg Queen (Winter Tournament) Winner: Bjorn Borg
1980: Michael Jackson vs Micky the Mong (Spring Tournament) Winner: Michael Jackson
1981: Michael Jackson vs Wizard (Winter Tournament) Winner: Michael Jackson
1982: Elvis Presley vs John Williams (Spring Tournament) Winner: Elvis Presley (under an alias)

In 1983 the games had to be called off pending an investigation into the allegations of the sport's use of an allegedly Dead guy. The FBI and CIA were involved and by 1989, the investigators themselves were investigated, having botched up years worth of work and a new investigation was slated to begin in 1999. Prince and David Bowie wanted to challenge each other in the sport of that year, but were unable to due to the ongoing investigation into Mr. Suede Shoe, the alias that Elvis used to enter the tournament in 1982. It wouldn't be until the year 2011 when the games could continue as scheduled. However in 1987 there were a lot of games being hosted in Bowling Green, the birthplace of the sport. The bootlegged competitions were known to the fans as legs of boot on the black market of the net. This was eventually brought down by the waning interest of the game and the general population was more interested in the Mammoths of the Cave Mammoth.

2011: Chuck Norris vs King Kong vs Godzilla (Spring Tournament) Winner: Chuck Norris
2012: Ezra Conan Watnick vs The Mayan Calendar Guy (Winter Tournament) Tied
2013: Michael Jackson vs David Bowie (Spring Tournament) Winner: Michael Jackson

In 2014 Prince and David Bowie complained that another allegedly dead guy cheated them out of the championship of 2013, not to mention the winner's title for Bowie. The two entertainers and their fanbase all made the claim that Michael Jackson wasn't supposed to play in the 2013 championship being a ghost and all. But they could never disprove that Jackson was entirely dead due to his brilliant ploy back in the 1980s when he ingrained his highly acclaimed documentary of life after death in his production of Thriller, which featured him as a Zombie. A Werewolf. A militant leader of a legion of orcs and a vinyl fashion statement. By the time the issue with Michael Jackson was cleared up in late 2016 the Weird Ass managers deemed David Bowie as the true winner but he could not be reached for either accepting the award or for comment. Managers also attempted to reach Prince and ask him to join Bowie on the court with his famous furry boots but they only got a recording. As of this day the sport is on hiatus. And rumor has it that Ezra Conan Watnick is up to something to ensure a win whenever the game can be brought back.

2022: Pending.

See Also[edit | edit source]