UnNews:Victoria Azarenka bares breasts to avoid forfeiture at Wimbledon
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
5 July 2012
WIMBLEDON, UK – Apparently, it's not enough that tennis star Victoria Azarenka's parents named the professional athlete after England's Queen Victoria; she was ordered to remove her top during her warm-up prior to her semi-finals match against Serena Williams at Wimbledon's fabled courts. Her attire, sources contend, upset visiting royals, who deemed her dress “inappropriate” and “an offense against Her Majesty,” Queen Elizabeth.
“She was wearing a shirt,” a line judge said, “and that's against the rules.”
Alerted that many find women's tennis "tedious" because it tends to involve a prolonged series of lobs and returns, rather than the one or two well-place, high-velocity strokes that typically prove decisive in men's tennis, the All England Club recently outlawed the wearing of tops by female Caucasian players. The requirement is known as the “predominantly white” rule, because it applies to “most white female players and a few mixed-race players, if they are light-skinned enough,” an official spokesman said.
Toplessness, Brits agree, has reinvigorated the game of women's tennis.
“It's an exciting sport again,” Manfred Allan, a fan, declared.
His “life partner,” Amber Broadass, a self-proclaimed lesbian, said, “One might say, in fact, that the game is actually quite titillating.”
Williams, who is colored Negro black African-American, was not required to doff her top, as the “predominantly white” rule does not apply to her.
“If she were at least a mulatto, maybe” the rule would apply, an official admitted, “but Ms. Williams is clearly African-American, with a high degree of melanin in her skin, and, quite frankly, the members of the United Kingdom, especially we Brits, have no interest whatsoever in seeing Ms. Williams' black bosom.”
Although Azarenka later said she felt “offended” and “discriminated against” by the “racist” rule, she didn't object when she was told to remove her top of forfeit the game. “I was coerced,” she says now, “because I wanted to advance to the finals.”
Unfortunately, Williams dispatched her opponent early in their match. “Some say Serena is a better athlete than I am,” Azarenka said, “but the fact is that I was sunburned, and she wasn't.”
Win, lose, or draw, bare-breasted white women have proved a "draw" to fans.
Azarenka's red breasts “were a sight to see,” Allan gushed.
“A real pleasure to behold,” Broadass agreed.
Now that the “predominantly white” rule is in effect, attendance at Wimbledon, especially among male and lesbian fans, has soared. “There are a lot more white women players than there are colored ones,” Allan explained.
