Andy Murray
Born in England in 1987, Andy Murray's main claim to fame is his obsessive attempts to try to convince everyone that he is Scottish. He is now officially registered as born in Dunblane but Murray is believed to have been smuggled over Hadrian's Wall to ensure a new Scottish hero to replace the fallen Mel Gibson.
Murray is also an active member of the 'How not to style your hair' club for men, acting as a guest speaker at many of their conventions. Murray has been known to play tennis on occasion, his appearance at Wimbledon a testament to the fame attracted by his 'I'm not from England' crusade. After a transaction with the Devil, Andy Murray in exchange for his soul secured his #1 position in the ATP rankings.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Murray suffered a constant tirade of bullying and abuse as a child, much of it arising from his severe acne problem, pungent body odour and an oversized Adam's Apple. Andy was also a victim of domestic abuse, being forced to play tennis every single day by his violent alcoholic mother Judy; to this day, she beats Andy and his brother Jamie with rackets, and sodomises them with the handles if they underperform. Experts hypothesise that it is this that drove him to believe he is from Scotland, despite being born in Ipswich, England. Murray became increasingly obsessive, eventually founding the 'I'm Scottish and Proud of it' organization, in the hope of finding others who shared his hatred of all things English.
Murray's Influence Grows[edit | edit source]
Murray is becoming more widely known nowadays for his outspoken views. His criticism of the English Football Team not only desecrated his already abysmal public image there, but was widely regarded as illogical due to the fact that the Scottish National Team has failed to qualify for a single football tournament in their 450-year history.
However, it helped garner some support among the Scots, who have begun joining his organization in increasing numbers, and he is now seen to be the third most powerful person in Scotland, behind Ally McCoist and Billy Connolly. Murray demonstrates his leadership of 'I'm Scottish and Proud of it' by wearing a wristband with the Scottish flag on it wherever he goes.
Murray's Hair[edit | edit source]
With his fame as a politician spreading Andy Murray has moved into the fashion world, demonstrating a variety of hairstyles, each more woeful than the last. So bad is his hair the majority of the time that it has been described as 'an abomination to the human race' by a prominent fashion writer, and even Donald 'Combover' Trump agreed that he would rather saw off his own leg and eat it than have an Andy Murray haircut sitting atop his head. Murray claims, however, to be making a statement about the oppression of the Scottish people by the hateful English. "My terrible hair represents the terrible trouble the Scottish have been having being forced to live next to the English", said Murray in a recent press conference. Before Murray was famous he would sell tufts of his hair to local plumbers who would use it to clean copper pipes.
Tennis[edit | edit source]
Murray has always been a keen player, having once been placed runner-up in the Under-11 Ipswich Tennis Tournament. Although that has remained the peak of his 'career', his hopes of one day playing on centre court at Wimbledon were fulfilled when his 'beat up an Englishman and steal their money' organizational project earned him enough money to hire it for the day. He competed against world superstar Rafael Nadal in an exhibition game mostly attended by Scots, where he was defeated 6-0 6-0 6-1. Murray maintains he enjoyed the experience, despite having to be stretchered off after collapsing from exhaustion at the end of the third set.
Before his arrival on the scene British tennis fans (at the last count there were over 143 of them) wanted for nothing more than a British tennis player to win Wimbledon. Moaning Scot Murray has changed all that. British tennis fans have now returned to supporting foreign tennis players, just as it should be. In 2010, during his match with Federer, Murray seemed extremely happy to have won one game, shouting and carrying on. Unfortunately, this was all he was to win, as the Fed Express decimated Great Britain's hero in three straight sets.
2012 Wins[edit | edit source]
Andy's tennis changed when he was put in charge of the unsmiling Czech Ivan Lendl. The grim faced veteran whipped Andy into shape, using racquets and the court nets to make the humiliation more painful for Murray. Raw Scottish cheeks were exposed to the air as the 'thwack, thwack, thwack, grunt, grunt...' sound echoed around many a stadium after dark. But it worked. Threatened with this everytime he lost, Murray went on to win the Olympic Gold Chocolate Medal at the 2012 Olympics and the US Open in September 2012. Now all of Britain waits for Andy to return to failing ways soon.
See also[edit | edit source]
