Marat Safin

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“Hel-looo Sailor...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Marat Safin

“ Watching Marat Safin play tennis is like watching Marat Safin play tennis: You never know when you’ll get a tennis racquet smashed over your head....”

~ Tennis Fear Magazine

“Marit Safin is really really good looking...”

~ Derek Zoolander

Marat Mikhailovich Safin (Russian: Марат Михайлович Сафин, Tatar: Марат Мөбин улы Сафин, Marat Möbin uğlı Safin) (born January 27, 1980) is the world's best looking tennis player. He has was once World no. 1 for 9 ½ weeks in 2000 and has two career Grand Slams under his belt. He won the US open in 2000 and the Australian Open in 2005. His tennis is so consistently inconsistent it beggars belief.

Marat Safin: He brought sexy with him

Early Career[edit | edit source]

Born in Moscow, Russia on the 27th January 1980 to Mikhail and Rausa, Marat was born into a tennis playing family. His father managed the local Spartak tennis club and his mother was a former Russian top 10 player and is the current Miss Universe. It is thought that Marat inherits his devastating good looks from his father. His sister Dinara Safina plays on the womens circuit. Safin started playing tennis at the age of six. His mother has been quoted stating that Marat was “as natural a tennis player as he was a beauty” and he was the only one of the tennis siblings that didn’t have to have his hand stapled to his racquet in order to learn the correct western grip .

At the age of fourteen, Marat grew weary of the endless diet of red cabbage, vodka and communism. He headed to Valencia in Spain ostensibly to use the advance tennis training facilities there but mainly because he had heard the girls were easier. Here Marat says he grew up "very fast...with no muscles" This strange condition meant that he still had no luck with the ladies despite his near perfect visage. Marat turned to training to take his mind off his dry spell, in addition he learnt to speak Spanish fluently and embarked on a rigorous skin care regime that has paid off handsomely. He has also remarked that the paella was very good.

The hotness of Marat Safin can be fatal

Tennis Career[edit | edit source]

Marat turned pro in 1997. In 1998 he grabbed the attention of the world when he turned up at Roland Garros looking gorgeous. He beat Andre Agassi in the first round. Agassi commented on the match saying ‘’I took one look him and knew that I didn’t stand a chance. I mean I am an ok looking guy but, holy shit, he is divine.’’

Becoming World No 1[edit | edit source]

Marat held the No. 1 ATP ranking for 9 ½[1] weeks during 2000 when he won his first Grand Slam tournament at the US Open, by defeating Pete Sampras in outright good looks.

Onwards and upwards and downwards[edit | edit source]

The haircut that cost a Championship

Unfortunately, a succession of bad haircuts then hindered his progress and he missed the majority of the season in 2003 as a result. Marat reached the final round in three more Grand Slam tournaments, all in the Australian Open in 2002, 2004, and 2005. He has cited nervous ugliness as the reason for his loss in the 2002 event, and physical exhaustion for causing the bags under his eyes and subsequent loss in 2004. He defeated home-country favourite Lleyton Hewitt in the 2005 finals to secure his second Grand Slam in five years. Although Lleyton was the archetypical good looking blond Aussie he was no match for Marat’s classical handsomeness.

Current Form[edit | edit source]

In 2008 Marat shocked the tennis world again by turning up at Wimbledon looking better than he ever had. He defeated World no 3 seed Novak Djokovic in the second round. Novak, who had been listed as a potential finalist in the tournament, went on record saying ‘’He [Safin] is my hero, he’s bloody gorgeous, he looks better now than ever before, how is this possible?’’ Marat reached the semi finals eventually losing to Swiss cheese lord Roger Federer. Although Federer is not handsome, he has a style that is all Wimbledon and that fact, this time, seemed to work in his favour.

Although there was no rain at Wimbledon that year the seats remained wet...'

Style of Play[edit | edit source]

After Safin hit the ball out, the umpire awarded his opponent with a point

At 6.4”, with a perfect physique and Greek god looks Marat often causes opponents to simply wilt under their own mediocre looks. However when this fails he resorts to violence and tantrums. It is estimated that in the course of his career he has, in temper, smashed over 15,000 racquets, 42 chairs, 3 bottles of barley juice, 2 line judges and a spectator. He has never apologised. His temper is as unpredictable as his tennis. He can often be seen muttering to himself in an insane manner but this is done mainly for effect. In bed, at night, in his dreams, he kills umpires.

Siblings[edit | edit source]

Marat’s sister Dinara plays on the womens tour. In the looks department she doesn’t come close to the Adonis like perfection that is Marat. This rankles her and she can often be found weeping on open court. In tennis she has fared rather better recently, currently ranking no. 1 in the world, despite choking like a dog in every slam final she's ever played in.

Interesting Marat Facts[edit | edit source]

Although born in Russia, Marat has vowed never to return to that ‘ugly’ country and he currently resides in Monte Carlo with the other beautiful people. Marat is credited with single handedly bringing the word ‘однющихс’ [lit trans: fart knocker] into the Russian language by repeatedly using it during his outbursts on court. When he is not being temperamental on court, Marat enjoys being a conquistador and weaving gold. He owns the only pair of seven league boots in the western hemisphere.

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. The period that Marat Safin was world no 1 seed was the sexiest time ever recorded in ATP history. In order to mark this historic event the ITF commissioned a film starring Mickey Rourke as Umpire Carlos Bernardes Jr and Kim Basinger as Marat Safin.