Underwater tennis
Underwater Tennis (or simply known as Undernnis to many Brazilians) was originally the National sport of Canada, but has grown in popularity and now reaches most of the Universe. In 1876 it was voted the Worst Sport For Causing Accidental Death by Drowning, but, in the same year, was voted as the "Best Underwater Adventure Game That Lenny Henry Could Play". The Coalition of Ordered Governments For the Protection of Undernnis (COGFPOU) was founded in 1989 by Chuck Norris.
The Great Splash of 902 A.D.[edit | edit source]
Contrary to belief, Undernnis (or Colin, as it's known to Bruce Wayne) was so much invented, but unearthed by the baby Moses in the country of Islam. An account from his mum's diary ("The Secret Diary of a Call Girl") details the exact moment he found the remains of the book that founded Undernnis:
| “ | It was Monday afternoon, and that little shit Moses had gone outside to play with his friend Buddah. It gave me plenty of time to satisfy my new client (someone called David Beckham). Damn, he was small! I've heard he has the title 'Golden Balls'...pffffft. Anyway, Moses was out for about two minutes, when he comes back in and screams that he's found this book about Cunninglus or something, and that it's the best game in the world. Now, I know my son was prone to telling lies so I took the book from him and punched him square in the mouth...he bled...hospital...stitches...Clive...'"ah, here we are" '...and then he took the book from my hand, just before the damn Social Services took him from me, and said 'Mum, I hate you...I hope you drown in a big flood. | ” |
And that's the moment that Undernnis (known as bondage to Mr. Clueless) become the social norm.
When did Undernnis become the social norm?[edit | edit source]
- Did you not read that last part? Were you too idle to read the whole paragraph, and just want the parts that might brighten your day by making you laugh slightly? Well, I got news for you mate: this ariticle won't make you laugh! It's a politically correct and not racist in anyway depiction of the events that made Undernnis what it is today...okay, you can laugh a bit.
The "No Blacks Allowed" Rule of 1922[edit | edit source]
Like most things, the 'equal oppurtunites' rule of Undernnis did not last long, and soon blacks were banned from the game by white supremisists who wanted a reason to be special and better. Throughout the 1920s and 30s, mainly white teams played other mainly white teams (blacks could play, but only after completing the White Test: Are You Deserving To Be Us?) This test usually took between 60 and 80 years to complete, and most black people had died by that point. The only ones who didn't die from filling in the form died due to drowning.
- However, after 10 years of the 'no blacks unless you fill out our form' rule, Tom Cruise decided that blacks should play, and that only racial miniorities should not be allowed. See below for extracts from the Rules of Undernnis: Revised 1987 Version.
Extracts from the Rules of Undernnis: Revised 1987 Version[edit | edit source]
These are some extracts from the new Rules of Undernnis, by Tom Cruise and ACDC.
| “ | ...and let there be no man banned from Undernnis, unless that man is a ginger or homosexual, and God grant us the power to contain them in a circle of fire, so they may not infect the population... | ” |
| “ | ...let both Chuck Norris and Samuel L. Jackson fight in Undernnis in peace, and without the constant chanting of 'Kill the black!' | ” |
| “ | ...and, finally, allow us all the peace to play Undernnis disturbed - with much memorabilia, so that I may make millions of US Dollars and marry a woman much taller than me. Amen. | ” |
Undernnis In Today's Society[edit | edit source]
Although Undernnis had a cult following in the 60s, 70s and 80s, the sport has declined in values and popularity today. This may be the problem of your mum, whose fat arse splashed the pool water out so everyone had to play normal tennis. Oh, could you imagine?! The pain!
The Underground Following[edit | edit source]
However, there is still an underground following of Underniss. It's like that film, you know, erm...Fight Club, yeah. People do it underground so no-one can see, and it makes them feel good. Yeah. Not that I'm saying you or anyone else that plays Undernnis is a schizophrenic, with delusions and who needs to pretend to shoot himself in the brain to get rid of them feelings. Honest.
Further Reading[edit | edit source]
Underwater tennis information can be found in the following books:
- Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
- Saddam Hussein: The Man I Knew and Loved by George Bush
- Michael Barrymore's Guide to Pool Parties by Michael Barrymore
- Are you black or white?: It Doesn't Matter (but buy the book) by Michael Jackson
