UnNews:Net wars over - Badminton surrenders to Tennis
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
25 January 2013
BADMINTON, Gloucestershire -- The long, bitter war between Tennis and Badminton [1] finally ended today when the Badmintoners surrendered and agreed to lower their nets.
"This is a victory for all of our soldiers who have died in the hope of achieving this victory: Fred Perry, Arthur Ashe, and Anna Kournikova," said Tennis general John McEnroe.
While a victory for Tennis has long looked likely, considerable pro-Badminton resistance was found in India and China, where sympathisers would often hang clothes on washing lines to use as nets, and improvise shuttle cocks from rolled up chapatis and dead female foetuses.
In recent years, Tennis Field Commanders Federer, Nadal, Murray and Djokovic have been increasingly brutal in their methods, binding prominent Badminton men by their hands and feet and hanging them from nooses suspended 5 foot off the ground, the same height as a traditional badminton net.
Under the terms of the surrender, Badminton supporters agreed to lower their nets to the LTA standard of 3 feet 6 inches. One anonymous source told us: "It's been a dark, dark day. I almost cried when my wife and son lowered the net in our back garden. It looks so horrible, like a flag flying at half mast." An international scheme has been set up whereby shuttle cocks can be handed in at police stations with no questions asked.
The surrender puts Squash in a particularly difficult position, as they have been tacit supporters of Badminton over the years. Squash numero uno Ramy Ashour told us, "It's in a squash player's nature to go 'balls to the wall' [2] but we have to acknowledge there are consequences. We sided with the Badmintoners because we saw them as our spiritual brothers, we had the same arms suppliers. Right now we don't know where we stand with the Tennis guys, but if we need to go underground for a while, there are plenty of underground facilities in leisure centres where we can hide."
