UnNews:Andy Murray offered English nationality

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8 July 2013

Murray's victory is sure to see his sponsorship deals go through the roof, and both Colgate and Tresemmé have expressed interest in signing the star up.

Scotland's Andy Murray became the first Briton to win Wimbledon for 77 years yesterday, and the Prime Minister is ready to award him the greatest honour a Scot is eligible for - English nationality.

"I can't think of anyone who deserves one more," said Mr Cameron, who watched the match from the Royal Box.

Mr Cameron said Murray's win had "lifted the spirits of the whole of England", a country which takes a fevered interest in tennis for 16 days every year.

"It was a fantastic day for Andy Murray, for English tennis and for England," he added."We were wondering on Sunday morning, 'do we dare to dream that this is possible?' and he proved absolutely that it was. The least we can do is disassociate him from a country full of heroin and Irn-Bru."

Murray himself was reticent to comment on the idea, saying,"It's a nice thing to have or be offered but I don't know if it merits that." Privately, however, it is understood that Murray is desperate to scrub the last traces of Scottishness from his blue-white flesh.

A friend told UnNews, "Ever since a Scotchman tried to shoot him dead st school, he has had a raging desire to free himself from his terrible heritage. In recent years Sean Connery and Alex Ferguson have latched on to him like two alcoholic tramps, but all Andy really wants to do off the court is eat scones and jam with the Queen."

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Scottish Honours[edit | edit source]

Complete name Established Motto Awarded to/for
English nationality 23 April 1348 "It's a braw, bricht, moonlicht nicht." ("Shame upon him who thinks evil of it") Acts of such integrity or note that they do not befit a Scotchman.
The Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle 29 May 1687 "There's a moose loose aboot this hoose" ("No one provokes me with impunity") Scotchman who are the best of their kind.
The Most Honourable Order of the Bath 18 May 1725 "Hoots mon" ("Three joined in one") Scotchman who have had at least three baths in one year.
The Most Distinguished Order of Saint Michael and Saint George 28 April 1818 "Och aye" ("Token of a better age") The preservation of twee folk music and shortbread.
The Royal Victorian Order 21 April 1896 "Dey kan teik ahr lant, but dey cannae teik ahr freedum!" ("Victory") Services to the Crown (see Mrs Brown for details.)
The Order of Merit 23 June 1902 "See you Jimmy." ("Listen all ye who have ears to hear.") Avoidance of extreme alcohol, heroin, and Irn-Bru abuse.

Sources[edit | edit source]