Shoaib Malik

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Dear Sir/Madam,

Two nations, joined together, under the Pakistani flag.

In the many years' experience I have of getting offended by the internet, nothing has offended me as greatly as what I have read today. Today I read your website's article on Sania Mirza. In this article, you give voice to the opinions of a Mr Sajid Iqbal, a muslim cleric who has clearly taken leave of his senses. In his piece, he rages against Sania Mirza's previous treatment on the site: against the focus on her breasts, against a purported relationship with Pamela Anderson and against your depiction of her with bare arms.

This is all perfectly reasonable. However, he goes on to state, and I quote:

Sir, Sania Mirza is married to Shoaib Malik, former captain of the Pakistani cricket team. By denying the existence of this union, your website is complicit in a malicious attack against the muslim state of Pakistan and against a national hero. I am a reasonable man and, as such, I demand that the article be rewritten and those responsible for allowing this omission be hanged.

I would like to take this opportunity to suggest further changes to be made.

Your crimes against Pakistan[edit | edit source]

The article didn't show Shoaib hitting a six against India.
  • Shoaib Malik has taken 132 wickets in one day internationals and has a test batting average of 36.12, with a top score of 148 against Sri Lanka in 2006. This is mentioned nowhere on the page. How do expect your readers to get a full understanding of Sania Mirza if you don't give them her husband's batting and bowling statistics? He is one of the most talented all-rounders in the world. Do you not think his wife is proud of that?
  • Shoaib particularly excels at one day cricket. His majestic, match-winning score of 128 against India in the 2009 ICC Champions Trophy somehow goes unreported. Anyone who was there that day - who gloried in Pakistan's dominance over its weak neighbour, who shouted abuse at the opposition supporters, who proudly burnt an effigy of Sachin Tendulkar - would be disgusted to find the occasion ignored by an American online comedy wiki.
  • The article is most insistent on referring to Mirza as an Indian. She is now a Pakistani. As such, Pakistan should be credited with her gold medal and two silvers in tennis at the 2006 Asian games, moving Pakistan up from 31st to 25th in the overall medal table. Your failure to do so indicates not just favouritism towards India, but also to Jordan (now 26th), Lebanon (27th), Myanmar (28th), Kyrgyzstan (29th), Iraq (30th) and Macau (31st). It is an insult to Pakistan's proud sporting heritage.
  • The article requests that no mention is made of Sania Mirza's doubles partnership with the Israeli Shahar Peer. What about the Pakistani number one, Aisam-ul-Haq Qureshi? He played with Israel's Amir Hadad, a team which was reported far more widely. There should be no mention of this doubles partnership either. Your disregard for the matter of not recognising the most famous Pakistan-Israel tennis pairing further displays your anti Pakistan bias.

There is one aspect of your coverage of the Mirza-Malik marriage on which I must commend you. You have wisely chosen to ignore the stories of Ayesha Siddiqui, who claims to have married Shoaib Malik by phone in 2002. This Indian woman has maliciously tried to bring shame upon Malik and Pakistani cricket as a whole. Shoaib Malik would not propose marriage in the knowledge that he was already wedded to another woman. He would have divorced her first. It is typical Indian interference in Pakistani affairs.

This is just like the first war in Kashmir where India snuck in at the last minute and tried to snatch the beautiful prize from under the noses of the conquering Pakistani heroes, who were also better at cricket. Only this time, India is fat and ugly and could never get a husband without underhanded scheming.

I hope that, in future you do not get taken in any further by the lies and deceit of partisan Indian hussies and pay due respect to Shoaib Malik and his new wife who I am pleased to call a Pakistani.

Yours faithfully,

Mohammad Ahmad
PANIFOLD (Pakistani Association for Nationalism In the Face Of Logical Discourse)

PS. I have seen one of Mr Sajid Iqbal's effigy burnings in Dalal Street, Mumbai, and I must say I was most disappointed. There is insufficient detail in his effigies and he doesn't use nearly enough petrol. Please, come to Shish Mahal Road in Lahore next Friday. There'll be a furious blaze you won't believe and you'll hear such vicious chanting, you'll fear for your life.