Tennis Racket

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A country club, the Tennis courts are out back.
Money! The Tennis Pyramid way!!

In 1878 the game of Tennis was invented by Eli Whitney and George Washington Carver for the rich and famous to play at country clubs. Not long after its inception, con men, gangsters, basic criminals and other general characters of nefarious nature started using tennis to get money out of the rich. These cons were each generically called a Tennis Racket.

The History of The Tennis racket[edit | edit source]

When the first Tennis championship was held at some giant stadium that nobody actually remembers the name of, it was noticed that it was rather difficult to play Tennis with your hands, unless you were black, and the brilliant scientists from Tenestian, Greece all got out of bed and came together and thought about the solution to this so-called tennis problem. Then, when all of the scientists bashed each other over the heads with a Frankfert brand sausages and other things, an idea was born. Since the one of the scientists in question bashed his fellow co-worker with a wooden paddle it was thought that a paddle would be perfect for tennis playing.

Once the game was held, it was noticed that too many losing players bashed their opponents in the head with their paddles after the game, causing the Great Tennis Depression of 1878, when all the tennis players had concussions and no championships would be held. Then they used ping pong paddles to play tennis with, causing a great number of broken paddles and eye injuries, and the price and demand of plywood skyrocketed. Plywood sellers became the richest people in the United States at that point. But they broke too easily, and the era of the cheap plastic tennis rackets was born.[1]

Types of Tennis racket[edit | edit source]

  • Selling Tennis paddles (the snowshoe looking things they whack the round thing with) with claims of better materials = better games and cost is no object. These paddles are usually made of cheap materials like titanium, carbon fiber, gold, etc. but charge 10 times as much as standard paddles. This is called the high end racket. New models are "invented" every few years to get more money out of the rich suckers (usually men).[2]
  • Selling Tennis paddles (the snowshoe looking things they whack the round thing with) with claims of being made with renewable resources or recycled materials. These paddles are often made in Asia out of left-overs and unwanted materials (the current popular paddle is made from scrap bamboo with panda droppings for glue). This is called the green racket. Models with new materials come out every few years to get more money out of the rich richer rich suckers (usually women).[3]
  • The Tennis Pyramid racket (usually run by the Mob or high end con men) a country club is built (on the cheapest land available: Indian Burial Grounds, Toxic Waste Dump, Etc.) with cheap materials and labor. The almost rich and almost famous are allowed to join for a small cash amount. They are then to get others to join at a higher amount, they keep 20% of their recruits fee the rest goes to the country club, they also get 5% of their recruits recruits fees. This will keep the country club funded forever while you only pay the 1st membership fee. Yea right as soon as the recruitment slows the money disappears with nothing payed for and lots of bills the members are liable for.
  • The Tennis Pro: this scam is normally worked by individual con-persons. The "Pro" usually a fairly athletic person that has some tennis skill uses his time with his/her students to make a profit. The money they get paid as a "Pro" barely covers their rent, the big money is made through insider trading with overheard business conversations, blackmail, identity theft and high end prostitution.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Tennis Rackets were the main income of Brazil, later proven to be correct.[4]
  • A tennis racket once killed the President of Argentina in the Brazgentina Racket wars of 2042, though it failed to kill the President on it's later tries.
  • A Tennis racket once killed Jack Bauer; but failed at it's second attempt.
  • Tennis used to be part of the Cracka-Ass Trifecta, which consisted of Tennis, Ice Skating, and Cross Burning.
  • Jimbo Wales created Wikipedia standing on a Tennis Racket.[5]
  • A tennis racket was used on your mom two hours ago.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. The Complete Guide to Tennis
  2. <insert name here>'s obsession with Tennis - the scam
  3. <insert name here>'s wife, Thou Compleete Guidee
  4. Brazil, You, and Uncyclopedia ISBN 1583-5303-1380, page 666
  5. Racket Jimbo and the Racket, 2009