UnNews:Quentin Tarantino Wins First French Open

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8 June 2009

Tarantino proves to the world that he can win on clay.

Maverick filmmaker Quentin Tarantino finally accomplished the one thing that has always eluded him despite all of his success; capturing the French Open tennis tournament by defeating young Swedish upstart Robin Soderling in straight sets.

"Did you notice a sign out in front of my house that says 'Can't win on clay?'" he said after lifting the coveted French Open trophy for the first time. When we admitted that, no, we didn't, he continued, "Do you know why you didn't see that sign? Do you?" When we sheepishly asked why, he said "Because not winning on clay is not my fucking business! That's why!"

Tennis legend Pete Sampras praised Tarantino's skills, surprisingly calling him the best that ever played the game. When asked to elaborate, he said, "I meant the best filmmaker that ever played the game. Have you seen Inglorious Basterds yet? It's way better than Wimbledon."

For his part, Soderling was gracious in defeat, saying, "I've always loved his films, since I was yust a teenayer. But he is no yoke as a tennis player, either. I need some yuice."

Tarantino plans to retire his racket and get back to filmmaking, having settled once and for all the final question that has always loomed over his storied career.