Billy Connolly

“Mejor cabron en el mundo!...”

~ Spanish Tourist on Billy Connolly

“I would...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Billy Connolly

Penis ‘Billy’ Connolly was the son of Mandy Deadbolt and daughter of Gary Connolly. Best known for his contribution to the rock Kazoo, Connolly has continually fought against the oppressive nature of the liberalists. He inadvertently invented the drinks coaster early in his career. He also seeks vengeance against Frank Zappa, for stealing his intended date of death, December 11, 2001.

The Conception

The Big Yin laughs on being asked if England have a chance of winning the next World Cup.

Connolly’s parents have varying opinions on how he was brought into this world. His father Gary put it romantically when he said that “I took Mandy out to dinner. We had several courses of the most beautiful cuisine anyone could imagine. We talked, laughed, cried, held hands. It was a magical evening. We then went back to my place, and well, a gentlemen doesn’t tell.” He then winked at the interviewer.

However, Mandy, Connolly’s mother put it more bluntly when she said “Penis (Billy) was the result of too much booze and a broken condom. But hey, I’ve always been a bit of a go-er.” She then winked at the interviewer and performed an indescribable act.

"The Big Yin!"

Early Life

Born Penis Connolly, Billy found that later in life, he preferred the nick name ‘Billy’. In fact, being a humble Jewish boy, ‘Billy’ was his actual nickname, when the Rabi forgot Connolly’s first name and named him ‘Billy’ just as he completed the circumcision. The name stuck with him since.

Connolly’s parents soon realized the dilemma of having a young man about the house and saw that they had little option than to cast him into the fiery pits of Hell. He reemerged at the age of thirty-three and a third, to be taken out to the ice skating for his nineteenth birthday.

It was here that Connolly realized what he wanted to do with his life. Upon seeing the then flourishing, young figure skater Molly Malone, Connolly came up with his dream: to be a rock guitarist.

The Beginning

Connolly’s career began with a rocky start. Firstly, the small costal town of Gotham City (soon to be changed to Glasgow City) was suffering from its worst ever guitar drought. With no guitars within cooee of his home town, Connolly had to settle for the next best thing. The Kazoo.

Secondly, there were no other musicians within Gotham City, thanks to the entire population being tone-deaf. However, cutting his teeth in hell for the first thirty-three and a third years of his life had taught him a thing or two. All this was incorrect, of course, but he used his small knowledge base to his advantage. Fearing that giving up was the hard option, he persisted.

Military Career

Connolly went out,

One fine Summer's eve

On a mushroom festooned hillside,

And would you believe,

He nibbled some fungi

That made his head spin

His inside was out

And his outside was in!

He skipped and he frolicked

All over the glen,

It began oh so fine,

But ended badly when

He fell down that hillside

In front of some men

With coats all of green,

And guns that were sten.

They looked quite alarmed

To see this crazed tripper

They put down their guns

And took out their kipper

With kipper they beat him

Until he lay down

They picked up the idiot

And took him to town

They kidnapped young Billy

And made him join up

They pressed him to service

And when he woke up

He was given his uniform,

Gun and tin cup

The Queen's Highland Kipperers

With whiskey to sup.

A British Army standard issue kipper, like the one used to subdue Penis Connolly.

And so Connolly joined the Queen's Highland kipperers, a crack sqaud of squid that looked like men due to advanced Russian holographic technology. Connolly has many fond memories of his time in the service of the Russian squid commandoes, particularly of the fevered and depraved orgies they would hold every night doing unspeakable things with each others tentacles. Years later Penis Billy would remenisce, "Those were great times with the Queens's squid squad squirting and squirming. Sometimes for thirty quid we would hire a quad bike and head for the hills. I would go for a thirty quid quad with the Queen's squirming squirting squid squad, which isn't easy to say when you're in the throes of tentacle induced ecstasy!"

A splode!

The Club Circuit

Potent orange kitten. Billy could get through several of these in a single night

The Kazoo proved to be a difficult instrument to master. It took Connolly five years to master the instrument (four of which were spent blowing in the wrong end of the Kazoo). When he had finally mastered all the techniques, he set out to form a rock band unlike any Gotham City had ever seen. As Gotham City had never seen a rock band, this was perhaps the easiest goal that Connolly met.

After mastering the instrument, Connolly did what all good musicians do, and started touring the club circuit. This detailed him walking from one end of the main street to the other, in search of a club to play. Unfortunately, there were no clubs at the time, and Connolly decided to start his own club. It was at this club, “Eat a Peach,” that the phrase: “Show us yer tits!” was coined.

It was during his time in the sleazy clubs and pubs of the UK and Poland that Connolly Billy Penis acquired a severe kitten huffing habit. His contacts in Glasgow enabled him to obtain high strength orange kittens, and Connolly would often be found in the dressing room after a show slumped over a pile of huffed kittens, his trousers round his ankles, and semen smeared all over the floor. It was later explained that Billy would force feed the kittens with viagra before huffing them, for an extra thrill. Beside him could sometimes be found a hand written note to Lord Korzaclops, a plea for release from his dreadful psychologcal huffing prison.

It was during this time that Billy befriended a large Turkish turnip called Azak Erecet, owner of a large Greyhound sharpening service in Guatamala city, in Malaysia. But that's not important. Or is it?

The Start of Recording

Connolly’s following grew exponentially and he soon found himself with a recording contract. He recorded his hit single I’m Gonna Make Love to You all Night Long which went straight to number one. Any profits he made, however, were lost when a female fan successfully sued him for not following up on the promise in the song’s title. For a time, Connolly was known as “Five Minute Bill.”

His follow up single, I Was Tired at the Time (I Can Go Longer, I Promise) also went to number one. Once again, however, he was successfully sued for not coming true with the promise of the song’s title. “Five Minute Bill” was soon replaced with “Five Second Bill.” Connolly went into hiding to record his debut album.

In the summer of 1238, The Best of Billy Connolly appeared on shelves, and was quickly bought up by billions of customers who though that the round disc was a coaster for putting drinks on (at the time, pock marks on coffee tables was a hotly debated issues). Connolly decided to tour the world on the back of his album sales.

The First Tour

“ If I had known why my album had sold so well, I’d never gone on tour. ”

Connolly claimed at the end of his first American tour. Crowds had been good, in the high teens, but most had come along to meet the inventor of the drink coaster. All were shocked when they found a man with a Kazoo, screaming about how he would make love to them all night long, would give them anything they wanted if they would just slept with him and how he promised not to come in their mouths. No one took up his offers.

Connolly once again went into hiding. He could not face the world if they did not realize his genius.

The Comeback Tour

Unbeknownst to Connolly, there was one man, Frank Zappa, who saw the true purpose of round disc and had been listening to it. He later wrote to Connolly, asking him to tour his region, Tucson, claiming that he should feel at home there. Always one for vanity, this pitiful sign of admiration boosted Connolly’s spirits and he embarked on his second tour of America, the “Listen to the disc. I didn’t invent the fucking drinks coaster” tour.

It was during this second tour that Connolly became a household name. World domination of the Kazoo scene was within his reach. However, just after completion of the tour, disaster struck.

Connolly’s mother, Mandy Deadbolt, died suddenly in her sleep. She was only twelve.

The Second Album

With his second tour finished, Connolly was on a high. The death of his mother, however, soured the experience. This was reflected in his second album I Can’t Believe She’s Dead which spawn the single Shit!.

Although the only single off the album made its way up the charts to number two, it could not save the album. Perhaps a little too ambitious for a sophomore attempt, I Can’t Believe She’s Dead hardly made a dent in the sales department. Always one to sulk, Connolly once again went into hiding reemerging to do another tour.

The Third Tour and Album

The third tour was Connolly’s most successful up until that time with an average crowd attendance of about fifty, over double that of the first tour. Feeling that his chops were the best he would ever get, Connolly recorded the live album All the Roadies are Chicks. The release of which sent Connolly back into the charts. Live versions of I Just Bought a Horse and I Think it’s Dead, Take a Dump on my Chest and Shit! all went to the top of the singles charts, placing one, two and three, respectively.

At this, Connolly decided to go back into the studio.

Gladiator

In 1999, Connolly got offered to direct the movie of Gladiator by the producer 'Douglas Wicks. He accepted and totally enjoyed the experience.

Involvement with Doctor Who

In 2005, Connolly was cast as the new assistant for The Doctor in the revival of the science fiction show Doctor Who. He went along to an open audition merely by curiosity, as he had gone into Cardiff to pick up some Wall Plaster from Halfords. He noticed a line queuing outside a large building, (which turned out to the BBC Wales Headquarters). He joined the cue and an hour later he was reading out lines for the new character Rose.

Andy Pieor, Casting Director for Doctor Who said "we had wanted a dumb blond bimbo to play the character. When Connolly read the lines, he portrayed an even better version than what I had originally wanted. He ended up playing the character as a loud dumb blond git, and thus got the part."

Involvement with X Files

In late 2007, Penis was offered the opportunity to play the psychic priest Father Joe. Initially, he turned it down it saying 'I'll rather play a loud mouthed Scotssman wearing a Kilt'. Though he eventually took the role. The film 'X-Files : Child Molester Alert' is very unusual as it focuses primarily on the peodophile-psychic-priest Father Joe. The film also included scenes in which Father Joe would bugger his alter boys after they had been baptised claiming 'after the bastards were baptised they were man enough to take. Christ! I don't know, I just do what de Lord tells me to do'.

A sequel has been announced. This will focus on Penis playing a Jewish Rabbi who does boys after their Bar Mitzvah in an attempt to make them holy once again. Yes, I can confirm Penis is attached to the project and the film is in production, though the film is in Yiddish and will be called 'The Jewish-Files: I lost my virginity to my Rabbi'.

A New Kid on the Horizon

While recording his third album, Connolly met an unknown boy who claimed that he was a reincarnation of Connolly. The boy produced a Kazoo, and the two proceeded to have a Kazoo-off in the club that they were in. The result of which proved that both were on par. It was at this time that Connolly realized his influence in the field of rock Kazoo.

Connolly took the boy into the studio to record his fourth album (third studio album) called Two Kazoos are Better than One. Critics disagreed and the album was slammed as a flagrant display of arrogance from a man who should have given up long ago. One reviewer was quoted as saying:

“In an attempt to recapture past glories, Connolly has created an album unworthy of even his debut’s fate. Connolly is nothing more than a washed out hack who doesn’t know the right time to leave. He is a stink that will not go away.”

For a fourth time, Connolly went into hiding.

Alas, he fell off a cliff in the summer of 1822 because he was too high to see the edge. God only knows what he was doing on a cliff in the first place. luckly he survived and spent the next 95 years in hospital. Once he fully recovered he made his first big role as the star of James Bond...oh sorry my bad, that was Sean Connery.

Current

Connolly became so depressed with the reviews of his last album that he recorded a final single, entitled Suicide Note, a cryptic clue to what he was planning. He even detailed the exact date of his death in the lyrics:

All I ever wanted was to have some fun

Now I’m going to kill myself, December 11, 2001

Frank Zappa wrote a song back to him saying:

I don’t think so Bill

If anyone is going to die, I will

Living on the timeline, Zappa promptly died before Connolly had a chance. Connolly then swore he would avenge himself. At the same time, his charity work came under scrutiny. Many of the conservative liberalists saw that what he was doing was vulgar. In particular, his “Run nude for cloth-less people” found him with many legal suits.

He now spends his time recording again, in order to pay for eye surgery for all those who witnessed his naked parading for people without clothes. Most of these sell reasonably well, but Connolly is yet to recapture the glory days of his recording prime. A rumor of him joining of the Ku Klux Klan proved to be false.

Discography

Albums

1. The Best of Billy Connolly, 1963
2. I Can’t Believe She’s Dead, 1966
3. All the Roadies are Chicks, 1970
4. Two Kazoos are Better than One, 1972
5. Strictly Invitation Only, 1985
6. Blaker Street, 1997
7. S.H.I.T.E., 2000

Singles

1. I’m Gonna Make Love to You all Night Long (Highest position: 1)
2. I Was Tired at the Time (I Can Go Longer, I Promise) (Highest position: 1)
3. Shit! (Highest position: 2)
4. I Just Bought a Horse and I Think it’s Dead (live) (Highest position: 1)
5. Take a Dump on my Chest (live) (Highest position: 2)
6. Shit! (live) (Highest position: 3)
7. Me and my Reincarnation (Highest position: 69)
8. Strictly Invitation Only (Highest position: did not chart)
9. (Forward Into the Anus) And That’s the Way it Goes (Highest position: did not chart)
10. How Can I Fucking Say I Love You When You're Sitting on my Face? (Highest Position: 3)

Fun Billy Facts

• Billy was born without a left foot
• Billy onced owned a chain of snuff movie cinemas across Glasgow
• Billy is funnier than Bill Bailey, but not as funny as Bill Hicks
• Billy is way funnier than Billy Kristol, the comedian
• Billy is way way funnier than Bill Kristol the neocon nutcase
• Billy is not assocated in any way with Basil Brush
• Billy's records were all made whilst under the influence of tripe and onions
• Billy's hair is specially made for him in Bangladesh
• The Billy Connolly Memorial Stadium is Moldova's best known Gerbil Tennis venue.
• Billy is married to Eva Peron

External links

• A Tribute to Billy Connolly