Yeti

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“That's Hot.”

~ Paris Hilton on Abominable Snowman

“That thick coat of fur is rather sexy...but then again, he does eat babies.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Abominable Snowman

The Yeti or Abominable Snowman is said to be an ape-like cryptid taller than an average human, similar to Bigfoot, that inhabits the Himalayan region of Nepal, and Tibet. A lot of people have reported seeing the Abominable Snowman (but never when they had a camera handy), or finding its dung, or seeing its footprints, but nobody has caught one yeti.

Yeti live up on mountains in Nepal. Can you say Nepal? I knew you could.

Yeti do not live in RuPaul. Can you say RuPaul? Never mind, you'll never need to.

It's very snowy up on the mountain tops in Nepal, so they've got white fur for camouflage. That's why they're called Abominable Snowmen. Don't believe people who tell you it's because they had big bellies or abdominal areas.

The Straight-up Truth

This abominable snowman is smiling.

Here's the thing, though. Scientists aren't really sure about the true identity of the Abominable Snowman. There are several competing theories.

Theory 1

This theory, put forth by well-known Ambominable Snowmanologist Art Farglebottom, holds that Abominable Snowmen are the results of a magico-scientific experiment conducted by Chinese mystics in the Tang dynasty. Sumatran man-aped were intermingled with DNA from an alien corpse found in the Gobi Desert, and combined with pure chi energy from the center of the earth. The first Abominable Snowman was a genius, a rocket scientist, and able to shift between dimensions at will. He had many adventures fighting against the Yama Kings in one of a thousand Chinese hells.

Eventually, he grew lonely, and wanted a wife. Unfortunately, he was near-immortal, and the cabal of mystics that had created him were long dead, and they left their secrets on jade tabletsthat were later destroyed in an apocalyptic battle between Time Travelling Teddy Roosevelt and Cyborg Abraham Lincoln.

Abominable Snowman was left with only one obvious option: he became one with the universe and began to create chi-clones of himself.

The Emperor began to fear this army of Snowmen, and so he ordered them killed. What followed was the Snowman War, China's most well-known war. It is so well-known, that it would be almost silly for me to tell you anything about it. You remember what happened.

So many Snowmen were killed, that they had no option but to retreat into the mountains of Tibet, where they founded the hidden mountain kingdom of Shangri-La. They remain there to this day, growing more decadent and evil with every passing year. Fear them.

This theory is based on a series of terrible dreams had by Art Farglebottom. But the scientific method was always rigorously applied.

Theory 2

This theory holds that the Abominable Snowmen are really Mi-go, or the Fungi From Yuggoth. This theory makes no sense, since Abominable Snowmen and Mi-go don't look alike at all. And yet it persists, perhaps due to the inherent idiocy which is interwoven with science as a study.

Theory 3

In the Old Oolitic Silurian Period a number of ape-like marsupials roamed the region which was later to become Nepal. Because they did not know it was Nepal, they mated indiscriminately. Many attempted to have offqpring with lemurs, ducks, trees, and lumps of mud. Scientists compare this behavior to that of the modern species Optoraptor incredulus, the Wide-Eyed Marilyn.

However, over time, some things evolve. Others devolve. Whatever.

Eventually, the marsupial proto-yeti invented television. This was the turning point.

Now, according to the Theory of Abominable Ennui, these creatures sit in snowbanks high in the Himalaya mountains watching reruns of My Three Chakras and High Chapatis in Urdu, a language they do not understand.

This theory was elucidated in 1998 by Professor Yanni Hīngenbjorn and Gillian, aged 1 1/2. Professor Hīngenbjorn teaches at the Stockholm Oubilette for the Clinically Stupid. Gillian is resident toddler at the Sorbonne, and is currently working on post-graduate toilet training.

See also