Chris Miller
Christopher Miller is a Military Operative in several agencies of the American Empire of the United States, and an official critic of the The Puzzle States, the Rioters of Fa and Blam, the far left and Satan who stay in power by stealing elections, Flotsam and Jetsam, and Illegal Immigrants thanks to the Manhattan Project. Born October 37th, in 1965 he began life on Earth as a regular human. He stayed that way until he was transformed into a lethal combination of Rambo and The Terminator. This was a necessary measure to move along in stealth mode in heavy enemy territory until Bush aka The Nazi asylum escapee, could be brought to justice. After which Miller was returned to his regular human self. Although there have been doubts of his full human status over the years as he pulled off some extraordinary feats that would have killed any other person.
These feats were nothing short of jaw dropping, from escaping the jaws of death that lived beneath the Martian surface, to fighting a woolly mammoth one on one when rescuing the dinosaurs who were kidnapped from the Jurassic era and forced into slave labor for a theme park. Miller was also responsible for taking down the Beast from the 4th Hell of Inferno and sabotaged the plot to burn down all the discotheques. He was also involved in reigniting the Sun when an evil warlord from Narnia blew it out, and he was involved in creating a distraction so massive that boatloads of innocent women and children and the Swedish Bikini Team could escape from China. When the Pentagon investigated what he did to cause such a monumental disturbance, he happily showed them the evidence he had on all of their base. It was at this point that Chinese leaders and elders were finally able to kill all the reptilians they were saving underground alongside their dead army. They had been lied to and told that they could never harm the lizard bastards or else the Mongolians would rise up like Genghis Khan and do what they did before. It was Chris Miller who had put an end to that shit.
Chris Miller was also awarded numerous medals of honor, placed in high-ranking positions of the military, and given free seasonal passes to a variety of theme parks, waxworks, and a key to the city of the raiders of the Lost Ark. He also collected numerous notches on his guns, Samurai swords, knives, bullets, daggers, and deadly devices designed by Q. Today he lives in Virginia, but travels to Iowa to access the secret base that allows him to work in outer space with other top officials and refugees of the Manhattan Project. And Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
First he was born. His parents were thinking of using the hospital but the war zone where it was located was being used for collecting zombies and mutant insects, so they started their family in a safer environment. They built a small bomb shelter next to a crater. By the time Chris Miller learned to walk, he was already used to the scorching temperatures of the Darvaza Gas Crater. He was trained by a rebel military group of the Red Sea to swim, scuba dive, and run marathons across the deserts of the Middle East. But he rebelled against the rebel military group because they were rebels without a clue. They also never explained what they were rebelling against. This took a toll on Miller's psyche and he was always wondering what the hell their problem was. By the time he escaped the desert base, he fled underground using one of their shaky little mine carts and ended up in Iowa. And for three years after that, he was trying to escape the Children of the Corn. When he succeeded, he found himself celebrated by the Aztecs who were at that time living in Maine. It was here that the distinguished Chris Miller became widely known as the whitest Kung Fu master and overlord. Governments from around the world sought to bring him on as a modern major general. To use his skills and knowledge in all things historical and mathematical, for their own administrations for which he was the very model of.
Semi-normal Life[edit | edit source]
The day started out pretty well, on a Friday back in 1990. Give or take any four of them around May. Chris was doing the usual routine of checking up on all the inventory of artifacts stored in secret warehouses on a military base near a lonely beach somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. When a crate in the back of the warehouse began making strange noises, it was normal enough for these things to happen. Artifacts that were being stored there were often cursed with some sort of entity or Demon, and sometimes Chris would have to call Ghostbusters. Who else was he gonna call? But on this particular day, instead of a demon or a ghost, it turned out to be a stowaway. Faintly he heard the words Let me out! I can't breathe in this thing! from inside the crate. He grabbed a crowbar and pried it open. Out popped a lovely lady who looked like a supermodel, dressed like a school teacher. When he saw her, he fell for her charms, especially the way she traveled very light bringing only a carry-on in her little crate.
She had claimed that she could travel only by crate as she was terrified of airplanes, trains, automobiles, boats, ships, and bobsleds. Miller tried to help her with her issues with traveling but she wasn't ready to face her phobias. He asked her how she might prefer a piano crate to travel in instead of the smaller ones she had been using. For extra room, in case she wanted to nap or make coffee or play video games. Her answer was that she didn't play piano. Chris was at a loss and couldn't figure out a way to help her travel in less confined areas. He offered to buy her tickets on the Occidental Express. But she refused. When she looked around at the warehouse, she remarked what a lovely place it was. Chris explained that it was just a warehouse and the military was using it. She promised to stay out of the way if she could stay there awhile. Of course this meant she would be staying in one of the crates. Chris wasn't too thrilled about any of this but he let it slide. He informed the military personnel that they had a guest who lives in a crate. At first they were terrified. They had seen the movie about this. But Chris assured them that she wasn't a Gorilla on Methamphetamines.
As time went on, Chris developed a relationship with the crate lady. They had three children, six cats, two dogs, nine parrots, four monkeys, five mice, and a trained giant isopod. The military on the other hand had to downsize their orders until another warehouse could be built. But they were cool about it because most of the crates ended up being used by other people who would mail themselves out to get out of paying the airlines to put them in those overhead compartments.
It was only after one of the children began leaving the warehouse to explore the world that Chris decided to move the family to America. When the place had become empty again, the warehouses were turned into little crate hotels and restaurants, where airports, train stations, and golf carts all created a crate-like theme and became the military's biggest tourist attraction. The hotels used crates to furnish the rooms, with all the usual comforts. The restaurants used big crates for tables and little crates for chairs. And long crates for cocktail bars. The airports and train stations used craft and railcars that resembled crates, although it was a hit with the trains, not so much with the airplanes.
Totally Weird Life[edit | edit source]
First thing Chris Miller was told by a supreme space commander was that he was needed to gather intel on the South border of the Puzzle States, and a bit part of the Western border of the Puzzle States. When Chris pointed out that there was an ocean for a border of the Puzzle States to the west for a border, he was reminded of the prehistoric situation that was never resolved, thanks to the Manhattan Project, and that the government of the oceans were threatening the United States and giving weird looks to Hawaii just for good measure. When Chris reminded the space commander that Hawaii was also a part of the U.S. the commander told him that it was being taken back by the Atlantians and there was currently a struggle of ownership between Atlantis, Japan, and the One Ring. Chris asked if the U.S. was going to fight it, and try to maintain ownership of the islands. The space commander informed him that it would take extraordinary measures to keep Hawaii. After several hours of discussion, Chris came to the conclusion that Hawaii should be added to neutral territory for the time being. However the Pacific Ocean wasn't all neutral, despite the immense tourist destinations in it. Figuratively and literally.
His first mission was simple enough. Get the details of where all the Atlantians were camped out off the Left Coast. He was given special abilities that made him impervious to harm. A lethal combination, as if his Kung Fu status weren't enough. They wanted him to be indestructible. Chris thought this was a bit much considering that the usual suspects were hippies.
When Miller turned in the first report of the Atlantians, there was a monkey at the office instead of the usual uptight assistant to the supreme commander. At first he was going to ignore it and leave the report there, but he had second thoughts and proceeded to leave. The monkey had some things to say, but Miller didn't understand what was being said. The monkey, frustrated, started using sign language to explain to Chris that he was lost, and his home is on a pirate ship and that the assistant was kidnapped by Blackbeard. Unable to read the monkey's hand gestures, Chris reached into his pocket and offered him plane tickets to Africa. The chimp was even more frustrated and gave the hand motion that he was watching Chris Miller.
With that, Chris went to speak with the Pentagon front desk, where they gave him a ticket to Africa. He was informed that his mission changed, and to take the monkey with him. Screaming at first, the monkey finally agreed to go with Chris and submitted his notice for leave to the main office. Chris wondered how the monkey wrote out such an elaborate letter with fingerpaint.
Having no idea what the mission in Africa was, he contacted an ally named Ezra Conan Watnick to come along and spy out the alleged fortress the monkey had spoken of in his letter. Between the two of them, it was concluded that the monkey was kidnapped by pirates, lived a life a piracy but then was left behind when the pirates kidnapped the supreme commander's assistant. They were very good at solving things. Naturally the Pentagon wanted to hire enough body guards to go along with Chris and Ezra to make sure nothing happened to the monkey.
En route to Egypt the plane had to make an emergency landing on the Rock of Gibraltar where Ezra was contacted on his watch phone to inform Chris that the Atlantians had taken over Hawaii and parts of the upper Northwest. And maybe the Grand Canyon, as well. When Chris heard about it, he told Ezra that there was no reason to go to Africa. Ezra agreed and the two of them gave the monkey to a Maltese Bird Sanctuary for vultures and falcons, and hired a cab back to the states. However the cab driver was a total psychopath and drove them in a run down James Bond Mercedes Benz to Egypt over the Mediterranean Sea. They couldn't really escape until the ride was over. They knew they were in peril of having to pay an insane amount in cab fare.
Chris and Ezra made their way to Cairo, where they attempted to blend in with the locals but could afford only garb that was usually worn by biblical characters who wandered around the city. They would have been able to get jeans, T-shirts, and baseball caps worn by practically everyone else there but the cab fare was brutal. The Pentagon contacted Ezra on his shoe phone. Ezra was silent, as the voice on the other end could be heard carrying on in high pitched squeals about something. When the call ended, Ezra told Chris that Washington was pissed off about their having left the monkey's body guards to climb down from the Rock of Gibraltar and not telling anyone where the monkey ended up – not to mention that a bird sanctuary isn't really a good place for monkeys. They also told Ezra that both he and Chris were going to get reminded about all this in the future.
In their fancy robes and Aramaic headgear, they tried to find a ride out of the country besides walking. But everyone thought they were apostles of Prehistoric Jesus and kept asking them to do miracles against the wild beast that started to invade their lands. Ezra told them he could offer only band-aids and neosporin. Chris wasn't even going to humor any of them and scoffed. Somehow they were roped in to traveling with lots of people across the country and the Sahara just to face down larger than life menaces that troubled the people of Egypt.
The monkey they had left at the bird sanctuary showed up in the same taxi they had taken earlier with the same insane driver. The monkey and the driver kidnapped Ezra and headed toward South Africa. Chris now found himself pitted against a rather large elephant thing and because of his lethal abilities he agreed to help the people take it down and have it sorted out. He agreed to help them as long as he could get some regular clothes to blend in, and an elephant gun. They gave him regular clothes but could produce only a water-gun. It was the best they could do. Chris made the most of it by loading the gun with anti-frizz hair spray, which eventually made the beast more manageable until it could be captured and placed somewhere it couldn't run amok. Then as he suspected, he'd have to lure a pterodactyl out of Cairo. He made mental notes of all this to bring up whenever the Pentagon wanted to talk some shit about making him go on all these frivolous journeys. He was dealing with all the crazy drama he found himself embroiled in and had made plans to file a complaint about the botched up mission in India involving collecting ugly skulls, going out to R'lyeh because it was there, and going out to Mars for no practical reason whatsoever. Not to mention the ridiculous agenda involving Saturn and its moons.
The locals asked him why he came to be there, if he wasn't with Prehistoric Jesus, why come to Africa. He told them the Pentagon just wanted to spend more money on stupid shit. He asked the Egyptians how to get his friend Ezra back once he left for South Africa and they informed him that usually kidnappers head for Antarctica so there's no trace of them. It wasn't what he planned, he needed to track where they went. The Egyptians consulted with the hieroglyphs and were able to tell him that from South Africa one can reach Antarctica by ship, or train, or fish, or a UFO. Then the Egyptians instructed Chris on how to walk like them. They told him it was all the rage and that their style even had the prestige of having its own song. Some shepherd guy in a tower started wailing some Arabic words and he wondered if that was the song they spoke of. He could have sworn it was in English and had a much different sound to it. But Chris wasn't doing any of that nonsense and left in a hurry. Oh way away.
Once he reached South Africa, it was as he suspected. Ezra left a note at the consulate for him. Chris knew his partner was angry that he had fallen for the old trick of being kidnapped by a monkey and an irate cab driver, so he was out to even the score. Chris headed to Antarctica and was well prepared to fight against the odds for survival. But the way things were in the icy continent were unusual this time of year. He had forgotten about the mutant scorpions and the empire state penguins. They were called empire state penguins because they were the size of the Empire State Building. The scorpions about the size a New York City subway car. And because Antarctica is such a bitch, it also hosted a replica of New York City that was larger than the actual New York City. Except instead of people it had a population of rebel elves.
Dodging a killer scorpion and defeating it to the cold waters, Chris found Ezra and the monkey. They were trying to keep a campfire burning in the ice and snow with old walrus bones. Chris told him that they should bring the monkey back to the states, but the monkey protested very loudly. In a frenzied flurry of hand gestures, the monkey explained that King Kong was his dad and that he wanted to return to Skull Island. Ezra and Chris didn't know where that was. The monkey mimicked a flying motion and grabbed onto a penguin hoping it would fly away with him. Instead the monkey slid off the penguin like ice on a grill and suddenly adopted a Gollum-like attitude. The next day when Chris and Ezra checked out of the Holiday Inn, they put the monkey on a train back to Africa. Chris asked where the cab driver was. Ezra said that he sent him back to the Mediterranean Sea via bicycle.
Once Chris and his partner were back in D.C., the Commander was called in to hear their report on how things went. Chris explained that nothing went to plan and that the continent of Atlantis may have been broken off from Antarctica judging from the massive replicas, mutant insects and penguins. Not to mention that hotels were always booked and it was hard to find lodging. Typical Atlantis travel experience. The Commander asked Chris what the problem with the Pentagon was since Chris had filed a complaint that was longer than War & Peace and had several hundred subplots and citations that even Tolkien couldn't follow along. Chris shrugged and told the commander that Zombies ran things at the Pentagon. Ezra was instructed to fetch the mail. He brought in a crate, and out popped the monkey and the vicious cab driver. The commander was startled and demanded to know who the guy was and why the monkey was in the crate. Neither Chris or Ezra knew. The cab driver was bouncing all over the room like a deflating balloon and finally landed on the floor. Chris whispered to Ezra something about never allow your opponent to have any kind of tires filled with air, because they'll suck the air out and float back to land. Ezra tried to disappear the crazy cabbie but he forgot all about that minor detail. The monkey was throwing a fit and the commander told him to get back to work. The monkey returned to his previous position of assistant to the supreme commander. Ezra returned to his usual duties but Chris waited for the perfect opportunity to take the monkey to Hawaii to fuck with the Atlantians.
List of Accomplishments[edit | edit source]
- Bringing Nazis to justice while documenting Nazi mind games such as demon possession, physical experiments, and Lawrence Welk shows.
- Collecting a thousand skulls from the dreaded maze of India's largest skeleton graveyard of giants.
- Containing a serial dreamer who wrecked havoc on Elm Street, and annihilated Freddy Krueger.
- Distracting Chinese kidnappers and freeing hostages and getting the phone numbers for the Swedish Bikini Team.
- Put the sun back on. Although this wasn't really called for.
- Replaced the station on Mars that was blown up with a replica of Moulin Rouge. It was the only thing that blended in.
- Awarded as the creator of the most successful Martian Can-Can entertainment establishment Mars had ever seen.
- Single-handedly lured a giant scorpion from the bowels of the earth to the surface where it was frozen for later.
- Single-handedly fought against a prehistoric elephant creature known as Claude the Woolly Mammoth.
- Battled a Martian creature of death said to resemble an aluminum box that looked like a train wreck.
- Battled a sea monster that was said to be Cthulhu but was seen as a tasty lobster by Miller and promptly cooked and seasoned.
- Won the endless wars and stopped the losing of the wars by winning less wars in which he previously won.
- Scrambled the enemy's radar with classic polka music.
- Raced around the world in 80 Minutes after plotting a course for 80 days.
- Awarded the best combat director of the Temporary War and won best choreographer award for his use of clones in tap shoes.
- Won the prestigious Chess Master award after defeating Hawking and Einstein at the same time.
- Designed a border wall between Mexico and the Puzzle States on the left to resemble giant ants moving using cheap 3D stickers.
- But wait ...
List of Unsuccessful Missions[edit | edit source]
- Merging Saturn's moons and Saturn's rings in the same orbit around the planet.
