Terracotta Army
The Terracotta Army, or the "Terra Cotta Warriors and Horses", is a large collection of miniture clay soldiers protecting the tomb of an ancient Chinese leader Sid Guthrie, who entrusted the project to Colonel Sanders, his deputy of fried chicken and m & m's statue arrangements. Although it is spelled the same way as the American sport of ping pong, it is actually pronounced as !xobile. The "army" of 1 man was created by over five master plumbers who spent most of their pointless lives carving statues for a man whose name is almost physically impossible to pronounce. The "army" was completed in 1776 B.C.E. (Before Culinary Education), and managed to scare off a tribe of Mongolians who unsuccessfully tried to kidnap Confucius, who was thought to have known the value of Pi. In Mongolia, pi was a forbidden number because their simple prehistoric calculators could not handle the magnitude of such a magnificent equation. The only positive part of their calculators was the fact that one could write "oboe shoes" on them. It turns out that Confucious did not know the exact value of pi. His approximation of the number was: Pi = 3.141592653IGotIt69BeverlyHills90210@aol.com (see Pi for more details).
About the Army[edit | edit source]
Each member of the army was based on a cartoon from sponge bob spquare pants. Most of them were ancient Chinese rappers such as Sid Guthrie, but recent discoveries show that some of the statues were based on American rappers such as, Eminem, 50 Cent and William Hung. Every soldier was hand crafted with original detail. Some were pretty, most were hideous; most were tall, but one of the soldiers had no lower body (resulting in the 1278.5). Chinese archaeologists still deny that they accidentally broke the bottom half of the statue and lie that it was a ritualistic symbol. Fortunately, the half-a-man gathers lots of attention, raising the visitor total to 34 people a year. A very impressive amount of visitors for an educational site. The average American museum only has an average of 23 visitors a year.
The Meaning/Purpose of the Army[edit | edit source]
The clay army, as I mentioned earlier was built to protect the tomb of King Ping Pong. King Ping Pong would have found this name suitable for the army because he himself was killed by them in friendly-fire. Terracotta people do not need to poop because they do not eat. They simply touch themselves in the hope that someday they will be free to eat all of the blacks. Clicking the following will result in an accidental explosion of the web-page Hoover Dam
Theories of the Army's Creation[edit | edit source]
There are many theories on how the Terra Cotta Army was created. Many scientists argue that as long as
there is no possible way five carpenters could have crafted so much statues. Scientists such as Oscar Wilde and Tom Cruise have said "Imagining five people make so many statues is like mental masturbation". World of Warcraft players believe that it was made by eighter Chuck Norris or Vin Diesel in a period of three days. Others argue that aliens came from their home-planet Pluto (which got blown up) and volunteered to make the army in exchange for the wheel. One thing is for certain; this is one amazing monument that should not forgotten.
Destruction of the Army[edit | edit source]
There are two major theories of how the Terracotta Army was destroyed:
1. The army was destroyed some 50 years after their creation when Michael Moore decided to film his documentary Fahrenheit 911 near the area of the Terracotta Army. When Moore's cameramen stepped onto the scene, it created a disturbance in the army (which was under ground level). When Moore himself stepped into the scene, it created an earthquake so large that it buried the entire army. The earthquake also created a fireball that covered the sun. This terribly confused Moore's cameramen and they shot a messed up documentary that is today known as Fahrenheit 911. Most animals could not survive the great fireball, all the dinosaurs were wiped out. Michael Moore could not find any dinosaurs to eat. Since there weren't any Subway sandwiches around that time and the great philosopher Jared Fogle was not born yet, Moore was forced to eat more McDonald's.
2. A second theory states that when Rather Dashing angered Trogdor the Burninator, the great dragon came out of his mountain-cave and burninated all of the countryside. The Terracotta Army fell with the rest of the peasants. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Rebuilding the Army[edit | edit source]
The tomb was discovered in 1974, by a couple of American tourist refugees trying to escape Saddam Hussein and his War on Tourism policies. The Americans began digging a hole where they could hide and have kids. The Chinese government then threw the Americans out and began to excavate on their own. Archaeologists working at the site estimate that it will take fifty years to rebuild all of the statues to their original form (which is longer than it took to make the statues in the first place). At one point or another, the archaeologists actually wanted to alter the statues and make them more visually appealing, and up to date with modern hygiene standards. On September 18, 1998 one of the (female) archaeologists got married with one of the statues. After the wedding she was quoted saying: "He completes me. I talk a lot, he doesn't. I can move, he can't. You know its all good". She has an obvious BDSM fetish.
Why Clay and not Reinforced Steel?[edit | edit source]
The scientists that created the angelic Terra Cotta army who guard the fetus of the king Ping Pong were highly delusional freaks of nature. Thus, in order to appease their abhorrent mind-controlling overlord, the had to eat large quantities of pornography in order to maintain secrecy. Their secrets were so secret that they hid them inside the bodies of the Terra Cotta warriors. Since midgets are widely considered to be potatoes, they hid their plans of world domination in the shortest Terra Cotta. The clay warriors were obviously more malleable than steel could be - allowing the potatoes to be mashed accordingly. The portion sizes were considered too small, resulting in the end of potato domination.
Reinforced Steel is obviously the enemy of all things frozen and/or pitied.