Confucius
“Say hello to my arch nemesis.”
“How dare you make quotes up!”
Confucius (although some scientists, based on his diary entries, have compiled the name Confucius Pan Ning Tam Ming Yam Hing Lan Keng Nao Meng Ceng Hing Ming Nam Ging Fao Sao-Sao Fam Sao San Feng Seng Neng) born King Kong, was a famous philosopher born in the city of Fuk Qyoo (pronounced faa-rck kwoo in Swiss-Cambodian dialect) in Shandeigh Province, in what is now the People's Republic of China and whose teachings afflicted the entire world. His teachings were spread to China sometime around the Meiji era, and have greatly affected the ethics of Taiwan, otherwise known as the Wal-Mart's Republic of China.
He is the Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Greater-Greatest-Grand Father of all Chinese with the surname Kong. You can tell what generation the person is by their Middle name. eg: Kong Xian Lin is a generation above Kong Qing Lin, so Kong Qing Lin will call Kong Xian Lin Auntie, even if Kong Qing Lin is older then Kong Xian Lin. The use of the middle name to identify generations is why China is called 中国 or the "Middle Kingdom".
The order of the generations is in a set of five blocks of five names. After 26 generations, repeat. 宏闻贞尚衍, 兴毓传纪广, 昭宪庆繁祥, 令德维垂佑, Waang, Hong, Wen, Zhen, Shang, Yan, Xing, Liu, Chuan, Ji, Guang, Zhao, Xian, Qing, Fan, Xiang, Ling, De, Wei, Chui, You, Yin, Shao, Nian, Xian, Yang, Bob
He has a moustache.
The Name[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, Confucius isn't his correct name. Due to differences in naming practices in the east and west, Confucius is actually called "William Hung" in oriental countries, though sometimes they called him Uncle Jorge. The term, Confucianism is not related to Confucius in any way, but rather due to the confusing nature of Confucianism, a martial arts more commonly known as "Kungfucianism". His philosophy was based around people having sex and eating at the same time. Though this was thought to be impossible, Confucius somehow demonstrated this act to his people and people around the world are eating and having sex at the same time. As you can see from this picture “To eat is sex” is one of the examples of how to live the Confucius life. Many believe that he is most responsible for being the first ping-pong player to put women in their god damn place.
History[edit | edit source]
Confucius was born in Confuciustan. He was born in the Year of the Elephant, as is apparently required of all folks who dream up religions. He was born under the household of Kawasaki Kamababa and Jhon. Confucius invented a lot of things, one of them being porn. The rest of China was amazed at what Confucius had invented and decided to use it for good. This became a religion called Confusionism. It involved watching and making porn at least twice a day. This tradition has been passed from Chinese father to Chinese son to Chinese sperm till this very day. Unfortunately only Cantonese (Cantaloupe for all those who are sane) /Chinese people follow to this religion. It's demographics include Cantonese 100%, Confusionite Mandarin (Mandarin Orange), and 0% Confusion, so help the cause and become a Confucionist today (or if you watch porn).
Descendants[edit | edit source]
While Confucius may have been a huge porn addicted [[Media:]], his descendants aren't necessarily so...
- Kong Xian Lei - 87th generation.
- King Kong - 171th generation. He is a world famous gorilla, made famous by media exploitation.
- Kim Jong-il - 777th generation. He is the ruler of North Korea, South Korea, Iraq, Burma, and China. One of the many reasons people worship him is because he is a descendant of Confucius.
Quotes[edit | edit source]
Confucius say...
“Man who fornicates with peanut butter is fucking nuts.”
– Confucius on strange fetishes
“Only foolish man try run down hill with pants falling down.”
– Confucius on meaning of reality
“Man who walk in front of car get tired, but man who walk behind car get exhausted.”
– Confucius on pedestrians
“It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.”
– Confucius on relationships
“Man who drops watch in toilet will have shitty time.”
– Confucius on water closets
“Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.”
– Confucius on the meaning of life
“He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.”
– Confucius on etiquette
“Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.”
– Confucius on sports
“Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting image of father.”
– Confucius on heredity
“Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.”
– Confucius on medicine
“Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get a tone of A flat miner.”
– Confucius on music
“Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands.”
– Confucius on hygiene
“Man who walk in middle of road get run over by bus.”
– Confucius on safety
“Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.”
– Confucius on the kitchen
“Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.”
– Confucius on penetration
“Man is like spider, bound to have sticky hand after being on web.”
– Confucius on fetishes
“Man who jizz into cash register come into money.”
– Confucius on money
“Oscar Wilde is like fake philosopher, never trust a wild man.”
– Confucius on Oscar Wilde
“Woman who fly upside down have big crack up.”
– Confucius on Flying
See also[edit | edit source]
Antropomorphing ~ Astrology ~ Astronomy ~ Ball gazing ~ Clairvoyance ~ Confucius ~ Dice ~ Fortune cookies ~ Horoscopes ~ Illuminati ~ Jacques Attali ~ Knowing ~ Magic 8-Ball ~ Magic Decoder Ring ~ Miss Cleo ~ Necromancy ~ Nostradamus ~ Occult ~ Palmistry ~ Phrenology ~ Prayer ~ Prophecy ~ Psychic ~ Scatomancy ~ Sun Tzu ~ Tarot ~ Telepathy ~ Zodiac
Aristotle • Thomas Aquinas • Yogi Berra • Confucius • Joseph Ducreux • Ken Foree • Benjamin Franklin • Thomas Hobbes • Idiocrates • John Locke • Moronicus • Friedrich Nietzsche • Plato • Socrates • Voltaire • Oscar Wilde • Yoda
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