Knowing
Knowing is a uniquely feminine trait, an intuitive God given ability to understand people, places, things, feminine hygiene and heavy machinery in a way that no man could ever hope to achieve.
The key to Knowing is that women never speak about what we know. Instead we communicate with a fleeting furtive glance that tells other women what exactly is going down, going on or what weapon to draw in any given situation.
What women know[edit | edit source]
Women know a great deal, but we aren't telling anyone other than ourselves what it is that Knowing has allowed us to know. Nor is it possible for a man to understand all that which we know that we know. Unlike intuition which is just an educated guess, Knowing involves all known and known unknown things. And we teach each other what we know through a simple glance - just like Bluetooth, but at such a high frequency that only another woman can pick it up.
Even the Super Bowl?[edit | edit source]
Yes. Women know the outcome of the Super Bowl at the beginning of Football season. We play dumb because if too many women started outwardly stating who will play, who will win, and, what article of clothing will malfunction at halftime, men would figure out something was up eventually, then we would have to kill them. Honestly Celeste: who has enough Bon Ami to clean up that kind of a mess!
In a nutshell[edit | edit source]
In a nutshell, Knowing allows us to unlock the mysteries of the world around us, and communicate to other women that which is good or evil, clean or unclean and even desirable or so incredibly foul that ones toe nails will turn yellow and drop off ones foot.
Not all women have a complete and unabated understanding of Knowing immediately. We call those who refuse to develop their powers "Nymphs". These young minded women haven't lived a life that would give them depth and perception. And its hard to develop feminine mental powers beyond primal instincts when one spends most of their time kicking open the car door after a quickie. For the basic Nymph, the three great lies - "The check is in the mail", "I'm from the Government and I'm here to help" and "Don't worry, I'll pull out", are absolute truths until one realizes out that he didn't pull out, the government won't support an unwed mother, and the child support has never been mailed. Only then will the Nymph know about Knowing.
Even the degree to which some of us Know what we know varies within a given socioeconomic strata in their world. Some concepts are universal to all women. Clean is good, but dirty is better. Filth is disgusting, but filthy can be fun if it involves a pool or cabana boy. But when the obvious fails to sink in (example: wearing too much leopard print or coming home wearing yesterdays soiled panties), then we send out another signal: "Look at the Bimbo!"
Women also know that killing to protect our young will never get them a death sentence - the only chair we have a date with is at the beauty salon because we are cunning little kittens. But we also Know never, under any circumstance, to under estimate the power of another women, especially if she calls for tea and drops her ninja stars when she opens her bag to powder her nose.
How women communicate what they know[edit | edit source]
Women communicate on two levels. Around men, we use words, hand symbols, or a push-up bra to cup our perfectly formed breasts and further accentuate them. If you're good, you might get to touch them. If you are really good, we might get nipple hard-ons for you, too.
The other level involves almost unnoticeable facial gestures that only other women understand. This includes, but is not limited to the meaning of a gently raised eyebrow; the gently raised eyebrow accompanied by a slight indication of humor in the eyes, and the slight tipping of the head. These signs are universal, and include a built in translator ability to work with unibrow - handy if Frida Kahlo comes to call for tea. But defining these communications with words is an impossible task. If you need to ask, then you don't need to know them.
Examples of Knowing[edit | edit source]
The following images were taken from Ann Landers 1955 book Now That You Are Almost a Woman: A guide to the magical yet terrifying time in your life when odd and strange things are reshaping you, your body and your thoughts (McGraw Hill). Each image shows a woman who has mastered Knowing and its direct translation to ideas, concepts and warnings that one should heed in life.
Muriel has the toilet paper in the roll upside down.
Hand towels are on sale at SwilMart, two for $5.
Honey, you've got toilet paper on your left heel.
Honey, you've got toilet paper on your right heel.
Let's just step outside and settle this like Ladies; shall we?
Your Tampax string is showing.
I am incontinent.
Could I borrow a ninja star?
The clever cleaver[edit | edit source]
Sometimes, a man will figure out what Knowing means. If he's the clever cleaver, he'll keep his damn mouth shut. If not, he might find himself, not sleeping on the couch, but sleeping with the fishes instead.
Things that Women don't Know[edit | edit source]
Of course, knowing can go astray. Things the women Know which are in fact false includes (but is not limited to)
- Astrology makes sense
- Homeopathy and herbal remedies work
- my child is autistic because of something in the vaccines
- dancing in a nightclub is a meaningful accomplishment