Horoscopes are genuine and accurate predictions of the future (my horoscope told me so, so there). The predictions are discovered by examining the relative positions of the planets of the solar system against the background of the ecliptic star constellations and then locating their whereabouts on Google maps.
Forecasts for individuals can be determined by considering the person's star sign. An individual's star sign is determined by considering a number of factors including where they were born, how drunk their parents were during conception and cheese. The star signs are named after stars, which is why they're called star signs.
As well as enabling individual forecasts, star signs are also supposed to tell you about an individual's general personality traits.
For this week's personalized horoscopes, please click here.
- 1 The Signs of the Zodiac
- 2 An Example Horoscope
- 3 Notable Uses of Horoscopes
- 4 Protection from planetary influences
- 5 Chinese Horoscopes
- 6 Les horoscopes françaises
The Signs of the Zodiac
Cancerians are the nerdy type they like star wars marvel dc universe and they also like going to comic shops
Vegetarius (the huntsman)
Vegetarians are prone to grapes, cheerfulness and beards. They make good pets but should not be allowed on the furniture.
Gemini (the Twix)
(Every Friday afternoon)
Gemini like chocolate snacks with two fingers. They are pathologically terrified of Kit-Kat because although it can have two, it more commonly has four fingers or just one big chunky turd. It is the unpredictability that scares them most.
Jedi (the Knight)
(Every night at 12:00AM–4:00AM)
If you are born a jedi you have a the innate ability to use the force. The force has been said to be stronger than gravity but not as strong as magnetism.
Capricorn (the Goat)
Not welcome in Montana, Capricorns tend towards mawkish sentimentality. They often sing songs by Billy Joel and Celine Dion. Famous capricorns include retarded children's' TV star Edd the Duck (also known as Loonette the Clown).
Libra (the Scales)
Also known as librarians. Very elusive and fun when you find them! Best colour - ummm undecided.
Mantovani (the Musician)
Mantovanis are only born on average every 18 days. Many of them are never identified, partly because they come from British Columbia. They make great lounge lizards and can often be seen crooning.
Derry and Toms (the Republican)
Prone to fits of violent retribution and classical music. Make good partners for Aquarians.
Leo (the other goat)
Leos sleep rough and collect cigarette stubs for money. They have personalities are so outgoing that they usually outstay their welcome. Lucky plant is grass; Lucky number is the letter 'Aleph'; Lucky Luke is a pile of crap.
Scorpinok (the Transformer)
(Once per episode)
An Example Horoscope
This week, to all people out there who are Capricorns, your lucky colour is sky blue! But beware heavy machinery, especially lawnmowers. This week is a good week for making big decisions, as Venus lines up with some other star, I think its the Sun! And if you feel you need to calm down from an argument on Tuesday, then your cooling spaces are under the radiator, in the airing cupboard and down the back of the sofa. This is where you will find your inner peace, due to the alignment of Orion. In the sky. Yeah, up there.
Notable Uses of Horoscopes
During World War 2, the British government used horoscopes to try and influence Hitler, a well known follower of astrology. Their spies would infiltrate Hitler's bunker, and replace his horoscope page, with a new one, such as "This is a bad week to launch a full scale attack! Leave it until next week." Or "Due to the alignment of Gemini in Jupiter, hold off that big plan (aka Final Solution.) Gottit? Unfortunately, Hitler was not a Gemini, but a secret Cancer, so the plan never worked.
In other notable uses of horoscopes, you can often use them as cat litter!
Protection from planetary influences
Step 1: Read a horoscope.
Step 2: Pick a planet of bad influence.
Step 3: Prepare an object (piece of rock for example) of the mass equal to:
- 0.06 tons in case of Mercury
- 3.37 tons in case of Venus
- 0.21 tons in case of Mars
- 4.89 tons in case of Jupiter
- 0.33 tons in case of Saturn
- 0.01 tons in case of Uranus
- 0.01 tons in case of Neptune
Step 4: Determine the position of the 'bad' planet.
Step 5: Place an object prepared in the Step 3 in the position 1 meter behind yourself when you are facing 'bad' planet.
Step 6: Repeat steps 4 and 5 all day to compensate planetary movements.
Les horoscopes françaises
French horoscopes are based on the metric system. They have ten star signs named after baked goods.
Brioches are outgoing, bubbly personalities and are enriched with butter.
Baguettes are known for their prolific noses and self-satisfied smugness, which makes them hard to distinguish from the general populus in France.
Known for their intense bouts of melancholy and readiness to sobbing, hence the French phrase pleurer comme une vache qui pisse. Should avoid holidays in Portugal if at all possible.
Usually highly creative, many of the greatest French chefs were born under this sign. Johnny Hallyday wasn't, though.
Levains are typically honest, hardworking and conscientious types.
Le Far Breton
Enriched with butter and spiked with prunes, the Far Breton is prone to corpulence, flatulence and dyspepsia. Jolly by day and evil-tempered by night, the character of the Far makes them ideal companions for Labradors and Lemurs.
Le Pain Complet
A total pain.
Waif-like ficelles contrast in character with the rich plenty of their birth season. They make good railway engineers and usually attend the Ecole Nationale des Ponts et Chaussées (National School of Bridges and Shoes).
Le Tarte Tatin
Tartes Tatin are fruity types with an inverted sense of their own worth.
Lot et Garonne
Lot et Garonne, a masculine sign, is adventurous and not averse to the thrill of risk-taking. Your positive, life-affirming optimism makes you a lot of fun and great to be around. You love any new form of sexual expression that challenges and excites you. Both tolerant and eager to please, your honesty can sometimes prove too much for those who prefer a more mysterious, or veiled approach to love.